Holy crap is there some moving and shaking in the world of pro wrestling right now. It’s liek a big old bowl of Jello up in here. Mmm-hmmm. In case you were unaware:
RAW BECOMES A THREE HOUR EVENT PERMANENTLY
So if you have read my previous reviews, you have probably noticed a trend of negativity when they do their three hour specials. There is a reason for this: They have no idea how to program for an additional hour. Rumors have been swirling around for this additional 60 minutes of programming for a while. It may end up being a RAW pre-show. It may indeed be more fo RAW. Who knows? The future is a big, open mystery, ain’t it?
All I know is that : 1) I just had 40 minutes added to my workload every week, 2) The WWE needs to decide what programs they want to add focus to instead of filling the time with poorly written comedy sketches, and 3) if they start running very special shows that are four hours, I may hang myself.
TNA GOES LIVE!
I am just baffled by that one. With the amount of mistakes that get through a pre-taped show, i cannot fathom how they will pull off a live version. This isn’t punk rock, you can’t just get in front of your instrument and bash away. Sloppy doesn’t add to the charm. Read one of Sam’s reviews and count the number of times he mentions “How did this get into a pre-taped show?” before he gives up and quits mentioning it. Anytime i read a live account, they talk about redoing segments because the first take didn’t come off right. Do you know how much effort you have to put into something to have a 1.0 rating and find a way to tank that? TNA, you are nothing if not inventive. If nothing else, people in the future wont remember the shit show that the waning years of WCW was because of your amazing experiments in the wrestling business. You are the Josef Mengele of pro wrestling, TNA. So… congrats?
BROOKE HOGAN JOINS TNA
International recording artist BROOKE HOGAN joins the cast of TNA for a wacky, fun-filled romp of hilarity and mad capped hi jinx! I think i might outrank Brooke Hogan as far as musical artist accomplishments. Really, I have been on 3 albums. Hell, Rebecca Black has had a bigger musical career than Brooke Hogan. She will be the new head of he ladies division! If nothing else, Hogan is a good father. He knows that Brooke Hogan has no place in the business, but he just got her a paycheck. Because Daphne, Roxxi, Kharma, Ms. Chef, Allison Danger, Mickie Knuckles, Serena Deeb or any of the other lady wrestlers out there didn’t pick up the phone when TNA called them first.
RIC FLAIR AND FAMILY
I just wanted to lay out some events in sequence for yinz (or all y’all for our southern friends. Do you read this, Luchadoll?) First, Flair was inducted again into the WWE hall of fame. Then his daughter started a developmental deal with FCW, the feeder program for WWE. NOT OVW, the feeder program for TNA, where Flair works. THEN Flair has been no-showing TNA events and tapings. Flair’s carny stink seems all over this. I get that he needed to move to TNA to get the paychecks he needed. I also get that he never wanted to. Maybe he found a way back home into the loving arms of WWE? God i hope so… and i hope he never wrestles another match again.
ROH BRICKS SECOND iPPV
Look, ROH has for better or worse set itself up as the “new” wrestling. They were founded under a unique (if not entirely profitable) business model. They have loyal fans. They have a good products. While I agree with Mark Madden that they need to get a a true star and keep him instead of having them move on to WWE/TNA, that doesn’t diminish what they do. So the iPPV should have been their niche. They found a way to get into (hypothetically) millions of homes without all of the costs associated with a normal PPV. Everything was coming up Milhouse. Then they shit the bed on their PPV to the point that they severed ties with their iPPV producer, GoFightLive.
They took the reigns and decided to provide it themselves. Had they pulled it off, it would have been a great opportunity for them. They had a big program and the payoff to several angles on the Border Wars PPV.. which no one got to see. You can issue apologies and incentives all you want, but you just lost a chunk of your market share that won’t come back without a lot of enticement. Fire your technologist and spare no expense in hiring someone who has done this before… if anyone has done this before? Some is lost, but not all. This is recoup-able. You are just out of second chances.
The show starts with Earl Hebner knocking on the door of Robert Rooooooo’s locker room. Has there ever been a more generic heel champion ever?
Samoa Joe/Magnus vs. Daniels/Kazarian starts the PPV. I wish this was the theme to the show:
Do you want a sacrifice? Well, a PPV, sure.
JOE PARK IS INTENTLY VIEWING THIS CONTEST.
This was a pretty good match. The finish was out of nowhere but sometimes it’s good to have finishes like that, because it forces the fans to pay attention to the entire match and not just finishing sequences.
Brooke Tessmacher has a better top rope elbow that CM Punk. That is my takeaway from her match with Gail Kim. That and she’s really athletic, because she’s gotten so far in the last few months. This is one of the better Knockouts matches I’ve seen, even if the finish was sudden. That said, I have no idea why Brooke isn’t in WWE. She’s beautiful and she has actually learned how to wrestle. Oh. I just answered it, huh?
Devon defends the TV title on a PPV. I guess PPVs on are on TV. So, you know. I get a No Prize.
This match is just how a face against the odds should be: Devon against both Robs. He defies the two on one and wins clean. It gets him over. It gets the belt over. I love when promotions do it right sometimes or in the mid card and have no idea how to do it when it can draw money.
Will you understand if I watch Jeff Hardy vs. Ken Anderson in 8X fast forward?
The finish? Blown. Anderson doesn’t even know how to stay in character on a blown finish and he was a main eventer in two companies. Me? I liked that it was another finish out of nowhere, Jeff going for his leg drop to the dick and Anderson sneaking n a pin. Note: faces shouldn’t do leg drops to the nuts. I was more than fine with this.
JOE PARK IN THE CROWD. He talks about riding all the rides. At least the ones he could fit on. The crowd goes crazy chanting for him. I have no idea where this angle is going. I don’t care. I love it. They should just do this shit all the time with Abyss and Joe never running into one another. I love when he says, “My brother. Chris. You know. Abyss.” He then makes a hand motion to show that he is taller than Abyss. He also said ass and apologized to all of the kids in the crowd. This alone made me enjoy this show.
Oh hai Crimson. You still have pyro. It feels like a champagne pull string. You expect more. And then you get it and it’s…well it is.
He makes an open challenge and ah. Eric Young. We’re gonna get a fucking comedy match. Well, you are. Me? I could not press fast forward fast enough.
You should be building up Crimson as a killer. You should not have him playing cute. That said, he does and well, at least the right guy goes over. Actually, Crimson should start sending people out on stretchers to get over. This will not happen.
Bully Ray vs. Austin Aries is in the ring. And holy fucking shit, Austin Aries took one of the biggest bumps ever. Like Dynamite Kid getting out of the way for Ozzy Osbourne bump. He was on the top rope and Bully kicked him in the head, bumping him off the top to the floor. His upper back instantly goes purple. Look at this shit:
You know, it’s funny. Austin Aries wasn’t good enough for Tough Enough. If the guy had been a bit taller, he’d be a big star. As it is? He’s fucking great in the ring. Oh yeah – before the match, Bully talked about his MySpace page. That got a laugh out of me.
Austin uses one of Noah’s favorite moves – the bell ringer. This is really what wrestling should be: a bigger heel taking advantage of a hurt face and the match being worked around the face coming back when you think he can’t.
They did a great sequence where Austin kept getting back up from chops and challenging him. Instead of chopping him, Bully took a short cut and eye raked him. And again – this is what I love about pro wrestling.
Austin keeps kicking out of everything until Bully takes a shortcut and gets his chain. This brings JOE PARK down to the ring and just before Bully kicks his ass, Austin hits his big dive.
Finally, after a top rope dropkick, Bully for the first time in his match goes off his feet. Great work. Another dropkick and Austin hits the brainbuster, his finish, which Bully kicks out of. Bully gets cocky and goes for his powerbomb, but Austin flips over it and gets the Last Chancery for the submission win – notable because Bully is a bully and taps right away.
Seriously – go out of your way to see this match. Sure, JOE PARK got involved, but it was never two on one. This match furthered the JOE PARK angle and got Austin over as not just a cruiserweight but as a guy who could be a serious main eventer. What a superb match. Seriously.
Also: big props to Bully for putting over Austin so strong. That’s how a worker carries himself. And also to Austin for working so hard and making this believable.
AJ Styles vs. Kurt/Angle. First off, I hate that AJ is wearing baseball sliding gloves in the ring. That said, wow. Kurt/Angle may be a fucking mess, but when the guy is ready to work, there is no better wrestler in the world today. Yeah. I said it. He also is from Pittsburgh and not fat, so fuck you Scott.
Daniels and Kazarian run in, but AJ kicks out of the Angle Slam. Then, he gets trapped in the ankle lock and has to tap out. What a good match – interference aside.
After the match, Daniels and Kazarian attack AJ as Kurt watches. he doesn’t look for long, because he clears the ring and helps AJ to his feet.
This has been one hell of a PPV. I like how the minor PPVs – with no Dixie, Hulk or Eric – are the shows that are the best shows TNA puts on. They’re the kind of shows that make them seem like a viable alternative, putting on matches that are more sports oriented and yet still tell a story.
For all the good things I’ve said about this PPV, I hate that we are going into the main event with the heel being put against the odds. That’s – I’m sorry I say this so much – the role of the face.
Holy shit did this match tear up RVD’s elbow. And RVD also did a five star frogsplash onto a ladder. Wow. These guys put it all out there.
So the finish – RVD goes for a Spider-Man spot to jump up the ladder, but yeah. He’s lucky he stretches out so much. And like Sting, RVD’s head smashes off a chair. That is that and Bobby Rooooooo’s library music plays.
Sacrifice is a PPV worth going out of your way to get. If you could still order it, I would say order it.
Before we get to Impact, let’s read some Wrestling Observer:
There is something going on with Ric Flair that both TNA and Flair are hush-hush about. Flair wasn’t at the two house shows over the weekend that he was advertised for, nor the PPV (which he may not have been booked on to begin with), or at television, including the 5/15 tapings which included a Gut Check, and he’s been established as one of the three judges. Those in TNA have said that it’s obvious something is going on, particularly when he wasn’t at the 5/15 tapings, but nobody is saying a word about it on either side.
The plan at least as of the day of the show was to do a Gut Check without Flair on the show, but plans change and as best I can ascertain from the reports, there was no Gut check on the show.
That said, they pushed a Gut Check all over the commentary on this week’s show.
The show started with Robert Roooooo coming out and saying the most unnatural things, such as the “it factor of professional wrestling.” In one week, he’ll be the longest reigning TNA champion ever. He talked about how he had all the odds against him and how he prevailed. Keep in mind, he is not a babyface. No, he’s the top heel.
Next week, he wants a “Celebration of Domination,” and asked Hulk Hogan to come out so that his party goes off without a hitch. Robert wants all these demands like he’s Van Halen in the eighties. BUt the Hulkster ain’t havin’ it. Just give him some wood and he’ll build you a cabinet. Brother.
This led to Hogan name dropping all the champions he has seen in his career, like Harley Race (remember when his in-ring career basically ended when a piece of a table impaled him during a match with Hogan, Jack Brisco, Lou Thesz, Randy Savage, the Harts (you know, the one of them) and of course, he had the belt. Robert Roooo is not as good as them. He talks in sound bites – the dream of Vince McMahon, I mean, Hulk could make WWE Universe sound natural. He brings out everyone and discusses Open Fight Night next week. He also makes a series of matches – some would call this a tournament – which will all end in a wild card four man battle royal. None of this makes any sense, as I am half awake. I wake up realizing that even if I was totally aware, this would still make no modicum of sense whatsoever.
King Mo? Yeah. Get ready for mo. More.
Bully Ray beats RVD in a match that RVD should not have had. I mean, the dude’s leg was a fucking mess. But hey, whatever. Let’s give away a match on free TV. Bully Ray just cut a promo on the Kardasians. He must be taking Hulk Hogan’s TMZ edict seriously. I’m thinking about that and HOLY FUCKING SHIT JOE PARK.
You know what doesn’t get over? Qualifiers. Wild cards. Too many tournaments. Well, we’ll be doing all of these tonight.
I bought the new PWI today. Yes, I am a fucking mark. It cost ten fucking dollars. Let that sink in. I could have bought a fucking Hustler for the cost of PWI.
I bought it for you, fans. It has an interview with Jeff Jarrett about the success of TNA. Obviously, the success of TNA is the fact that it hasn’t gone out of business. I mean, it’s never turned a profit, either. It really is for the best that they found a willing money mark.
The best part of this whole interview? Not even Jeff is sure if the company is called TNA, TNA Entertainment, Impact Wrestling, TNA presents Impact Wrestling or TNA Entertainment presents Impact Wrestling.
He does, however, talk many, many times about how no one ever expected that they would last ten years. You need to mention how many years in every TNA promo. You also need to say that no one ever thought we would make it this far.
AJ Styles is wrestling Austin Aries for free. With no build up. Oh, wait. I take it back. It’s a battle royal to determine who the fourth person is in the tournament that is not a tournament.
Look – I am all for making wrestling a sport. But you can’t be a sport and all of a sudden have no rules and change things and be sports entertainment ala Russo and do things on the fly. I don’t expect someone to hit a hold in one during a baseball game and have everyone call it a touchdown.
The TNA Darth Vader announcer guy seriously sounds like he has been locked in the sound booth and has to take a shit – badly. TNA…ACTION…FIGURES…
They showed an entire King Mo segment if anyone missed the fucking magic that is MMA Uncensored Live. In this segment, Dixie Carter was the intelligent promoter who makes amazingly insightful decisions. Soon, she will be the Dixie Carter that AJ Styles is going down on. I was going to say that she was blowing him, but she’s a PR professional and perhaps I know that PR professional bosses are what we call power tops. I could also tell you some amazing things here, but I’ve seen people fired and careers decimated for so much less, so let’s say that I like working my seventy hours a week and drop it.
AJ wins this match with a real effort and in the next segment, we get to the Daniels/Kazarian envelope angle. Holy shit, are Brian and Vinnie on the Observer podcasts sucking the dick of this angle. Me, I think it sucks. Hey, I’m a hater. I think everything sucks.
Get this: AJ says that he and Dixie Carter have been business partners for ten years. I work for a company and am certainly not business partners with anyone. Aj isn’t either. Also: ten years in TNA and this is where it is? Yeah.
We leave this whole thing with a video of AJ and Dixie doing sexy things, taking a couple photographs and carving them into wood reliefs.But that’s enough about AJ and Dixie. Why don’t you tell me about how you got down here in Ybor City?
TO THE BACK. Mohawk Joe and Kurt Angle talk and then they fight and then they get pulled apart. And then, Ken Anderson watches stuff on his iPad. Everyone must have gotten an iPad. Or, more likely, everyone is using Jason Hervey’s and he wrote it off.
Jeff Hardy is fighting Ken Anderson in a Ben Folds death match. Truly, this is the battle of who could care less. Well, Jeff wins with a reversal. Ken Anderson gets all salty and well, more weird than salty.
Samoa Joe vs. Kurt/Angle is free. Yeah. Once it made money, for once, for this company.
KNOCKOUTS. Velvet Sky is out. Seriously, worst babyface is the business next to Ken Anderson. Brian and Vinnie think she’s the worst worker in WWE or TNA. I would debate that with you, but man. Brooke is out next and remember when she sucked? Well, she’s already passed up Velvet. And finally, we have Gail Kim for this three way title match.
That’s right. Two faces. One heel. One heel that outsmarts the two faces to win. And man – this is – I SAY THIS EVERY WEEK – a taped fucking show. I shouldn’t be seeing a ton of blown spots on a taped show. Yet I do. Week in. Week out. Every week.
Fuck yeah Kurt has his elevator back.
This was a really good match. Kurt is just a machine, when you get down to it. Sadly, Joe has more than lost a step since some of the great matches these two have had in the past. But man. Kurt has had broken necks, drugs, divorces and he still turns it up. He’s amazing. -Sam
1. Who should be more annoyed by Funkasarus, Dusty Rhodes, Rikishi, or Ernest Miller?
Jake Garrett: Dusty said he like the polka dots, so I think he can handle Funkasaurus. Ernest Miller most likely hates it, I mean they used his song for a guy who got over right away and will have a job for about 5 years off of it. Miller has to hope for royalties from The Wrestler.”
Super Giant Ninja: Dusty Rhodes. He is the originator, the alligator, the orator, the ambulance driver, and the balcony diver. All who follow in his footsteps are pale imitations of his deep fried soul. If Big Dust don’t dance with the Funkasaurus, we riot.
Kris Erickson: Dusty, by far, and I’d love to hear him cut up on him in a promo.
Kingdom James: Ernest Miller! Fucker, I mean, Funkasaurus stole his big catch phrase and half of his gimmick.
Ryan Clark: Dusty. How dare a black man show more soul than him!
Noah Panico: The world in general. I love crazy gimmicks. But when it’s just dancing and you don’t act crazy the whole match who cares. And I would vote Scorp.
Scotty Metropolis: Ernest Miller. Funkzilla stole his catch-phrase & is using his theme song.
Sam Panico: I think Dusty, but hey, as Terry Funk just said in a shoot I watched, “Dusty would be here, but he has his head up Vince’s ass.”
2. Man, that black ref really blew the Jericho v Big Show finish. Who should WWE replace him with?
Jake: Caucasian ref #72.
Super Giant Ninja: Me.
Kris: Chris Wood.
Kingdom: Bruce Gray.
Ryan: Super Giant Ninja.
Noah: White Ref. He would be an albino.
Scotty: There’s only one man who calls it skraight down the middle… Scott E. Metropolis.
Sam: Shawn Michaels in booty shorts.
3. Ronnie Garvin wore The Hammer Jammer in his match against Greg Valentine at the 1990 Royal Rumble. Was that thing awesome or stupid as fuck?
Jake: Stupid as fuck. Dude had a right hand that could knock anybody out, yet he needed a backwards shin protector?
Super Giant Ninja: Stupid. Ronnie Garvin is the third best Garvin, behind Jimmy Jam and Handsome Jimmy.
Kris: Both.
Kingdom: Stupid as fuck.
Ryan: As a kid, it was awesome. I haven’t watched it since, so i am sticking with grade school me’s assessment.
Noah: I don’t remember what it was. So I bet it was stupid. PS Valentine’s shin guard is stronger than the head of a black guy and island native in terms of the damage scale. I have proof to verify this.
Scotty: It was stupid as fuck, but it was somehow awesome when Garvin gave Valentine the ol’ “nanny-nanny-boo-boo” when the Jammer blocked the Figure 4.
Sam: The older I get, the more I realize that Ronnie Garvin was a top dom who also liked to dress as a woman.
From Chris Wood:
4. So John Cena filed for divorce from his wife. Which relationship in wrestling (marriage, dating, etc) has dumbfounded you with the length of it? Could be a short time period or a long one.
Jake: Terri Runnels and New Jack. The fuck, seriously man, the fuck.
Super Giant Ninja: Honestly, HHH and Stephanie McMahon. I am seriously shocked he hasn’t been outed, yet.
Kris: Jeff Dudley and a random chick, outside the bathrooms at Nigro’s, it lasted all of 7 minutes.
Kingdom: How did Chris Candido and Tammy Sytch stay together for so long?
Ryan: TNA and Dixie Carter.
Noah: Nancy & Chris. They will be together forever!
Scotty: I’m dumbfounded that Karen Angle is married to Jeff Jarrett.
Sam: Me and sobriety. We broke up. Actually, Hogan and Bubba the Love Sponge’s wife. http://thedirty.com/2012/04/hulk-hogan-porn-video-revealed-to-be-shot-at-bubba-the-love-sponges-bedroom-2/
From Sam:
5. Ricky Steamboat, when he started in AWA, was named Dick Blood. Can you think of a better name anyone has ever had?
Jake: When Tito Santana started with GCW, the called him Richard Blood as a shot at Steamboat.
Super Giant Ninja: Dingo Warrior.
Kris: Bronco Dickhole.
Kingdom: Bruce Hart apparently named one of his trainees “Dixon Cox”.
Ryan: The shame was he wasn’t a heel.
Noah: Silo Sam. That’s his real name.
Scotty: No. Nothing will ever be better than Dick Blood. I just said it out loud & it sounded fucking rad.
Sam: I think Big Van Walter is good.
6. From this week’s Observer: The deal he was referring to last week was an idea to get the fans involved by encouraging fans to film the wrestlers away from wrestling wherever they see them, I guess thinking that TMZ is the new star making vehicle. Hogan pushed the idea to the guys and most were negative about it, citing that when they were away from work they didn’t want fans filming them. The ones with families for the most part wanted to keep their families away from it. The ones cheating on their wives didn’t want people encouraging that to be filmed and shown to the public either. So…has Hogan had a single good idea for TNA?
Jake: No.
Super Giant Ninja: Yes. I hate TMZ bullshit.
Kris: No.
Kingdom: No, he hasn’t. Hogan is worse than Vince Russo.
Ryan: Not a single marketable idea ever. He is talent, not a booker. He should know this.
Noah: That’s not even an idea. It happens anyways so HH can’t be on the hook for it.
Scotty: Hulk Hogan is to TNA, what The Incredible Hulk is to TBS…
Sam: Look, this is too blurry to be NSFW.
But the Hulkster is going to pound town on his best friend’s wife in their bedroom. Really, I mean…he fucks women that looks like his daughter. I think we can all say that he does not have the best judgement.
7. Seriously? WWE antibullying. Who would bully Mark Henry?
8. Can you tell me anything about Silk Stockings other than it followed Raw?
Jake: Having a Silk Stockings sign was the key to getting shown on Raw.
Super Giant Ninja: Silk Stockings was my portal into manhood. The opening credits, with the shots of a woman putting on the titular stockings and walking in them, stirred my teenage heart and trousers. I little remember the actual plots, but I remember Rob Estes was the lead and the female detective was Mimi Something. She was super hot. Did that show lead me down a path of perversity and chronic masturbation? Probably. I am terrified at the thought of trying to watch it now.
Kris: The leads were replaced at some point. I don’t know the order, but at some point it switched from having a blonde lady to a brunette (or vice versa). I think Wood was the only person who watched it.
Kingdom: No.
Ryan: It was Cinemax porn without the nudity, as I remember it.
Noah: It was on Monday’s at 10 USA
Scotty: Yes. Every episode started with an almost jackable sex scene, only to be followed by a murder. Then Rob Estes (who looked like what I imagined Sting looked like without his facepaint back then) solved the crime alongside that chick Mitzi something (she was kinda hot too). Then he married the fuck out of Josie Bisset in real life.
I tend to hate lawsuit angles. They are the ultimate form of telling a story instead of showing a story. It’s all promo and no action. No one has yet to be able to deliver a lawsuit angle that has any appeal to me. This is no different. Worse yet, I AGREE with the heel. Management, able to agree to contract terms, went back on the accord that was struck. The angle isn’t the best use of an “ass kicker.”
And yet..
Honestly, I think that Paul Heyman is as talented as they come. He is a promoter that is second to none when it comes to making you believe in a piece of talent. Vince made you believe that 6’4″, 320 lb guys were gods. Heyman made you think it about 5’8″, 200 lb guys. It’s easy to rally troops around a warhead; less so around a pistol.
Heyman is a great foil for the Lesner angle. He is the mouthpiece that Brock needs when mic work goes beyond 30 seconds. They can use Heyman to stretch the Lesner angle as long as they need without burning through dates, a la Flair and TNA.
So Triple H comes out. His arm brace is big and pronounced for his arm. Amazing how he didn’t need anything like that while he accompanied Floyd “Money” Mayweather to the ring.. Amazing how his fingers could still gesticulate. Amazing that his hand was taped up. He delivered a lame duck promo that I would normally be against. However, with Heyman on deck, it seemed more like a low and slow pitch across the plate. Paul E connected and with a few lines of dialog, mad e the angle interesting again.
Oh, and Trips, your match against UT wasn’t that good. Don’t get me wrong, that second one was good. It just wasn’t THAT good.
We open with a match pitting three title holders against each other. Punk and Morella (WWE and US) against Rhodes and Bryan (IC and Bryan). Work was fine in the match, even if Santino’s comedy spot was really out of place. Logic would dictate that the guy without the belt would lose, but going into the PPV, they have the WWE champ beat the IC clean. It makes sense, it just doesn’t need reinforced. Bryan did a good job of dodging Punk the whole match to build the tension there.
Alicia Fox is hot. Beth Phoenix and Layla tease a little action to wet our appetites and try to convince us not to use their match as a piss break on the PPV. Honestly, it was done ok, i just have come to not care about the Divas anymore. Probably because i am sexist… or cuz i have eyes.
Big Show and Kane… WTF? It was all a build to show that Show can act? He runs into a rapid fire choke slam? Then teases getting on his knees and crying for 10 minutes? When people talk about how great angles were in the 80s, this wa the kind of angle that was around then. Long and drawn out, milking the crowd for there reaction. Ricky Morton would tell you how they sold the territory out doing shit like that. It was OK, it just went twice as long as it needed to be. Big Show is fired in the end and everyone believes it is the last we will ever see of him.
To quote Sam, the only thing worse than seeing a grown man cry is seeing an overgrown man cry.
Brodus Clay and the Tag Champs took on the Aryan League. Miz dose the jizzob, cuz he is from Cleveland and RAW was in the greatest city in the world: Pittsburgh, Pa. Then dancing and kids and two hot-ass black women dressed like common street trade. They get an intro now, BTW.
Jericho has a match against RKO and things get a whole lot more rapey. Sheamus is out at the commentation booth. However, he sits still and provides useful commentary.
Just kidding. He brings us a fuck finish and helps blur the line when it comes to Orton’s Heel/Face status.
We finish with a Cena promo. His arm, destroyed to the point where he was leaving a few weeks ago, is fine now. Only one arm appliance at a time, and Trips called dibs. Cena is all smiles an no serious this week, despite the attack a few weeks back. He does his charming spiel and even does s a20 year old Jim Carey joke. Of course i laughed at it. If you are going to steak, steal things that you know will work. Laurinitis completely lost it and kept on laughing. They took Tensai out of the angle (have fun on YouTube) with a letter from the board and big Johnny slaps Cena to end the night.
That was RAW from the 4-1-2. Cena talked. Show Cried. Michael the Bomber Facade was on camera. Life was good.
There seem to be two types of Smackdown formats. The one has 5-6 matches, lots of ring time, and generally comes off as more enjoyable. The other has 8-10 matches, nothing gets established, and it’s all a big blur. This show oddly seemed to achieve something in the middle.
There were 10 damn matches. That’s far too many. However, the amount of matches wasn’t the huge hindrance it usually is, and they actually got some things accomplished as they move forward to the next pay-per-view. Whether those things stick, however, may be the issue, so that’ll remain to be seen.
First, there were three matches involving the participants in the world heavyweight title match at Over the Limit (Under Arrest). We opened with a tag title match pitting Alberto del Rio and Chris Jericho against The Rapex Predator and Sheamus. It ended in a melee, a no contest, a Pier 6 brawl. Don’t ever go to Pier 6, otherwise you’ll get into a fight.
At this moment, I should point out I’m listening to Bathory’s “Under the Sign of the Black Mark,” and on the TV on mute I have VH1’s Metal Mania. Currently the song “Chariots of Fire” is playing while the “Cherry Pie” video is airing. It’s quite the confusing visual.
OK, back to the show. Out of that tag match, we got two singles matches. Alberto del Rio and Randy Orton met in the middle of the show, and as you might guess, we got no real conclusion as Ricardo interfered for the DQ. Then at the end of the show, Sheamus beat Jericho by DQ after del Rio interfered. So we got nothing really settled other than all fours guys DISLIKE EACH OTHER STRONGLY. Is that enough to make people interested in this match at the PPV? I doubt it, but I don’t see a real selling point for this show anyway.
AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” video is playing on TV with “Enter the Eternal Fire” playing on my laptop. This game is way more fun than watching/recapping this show. Also, there’s a portable fish and chips truck in the video. I’m for that.
Other shit! AJ beat the shit out of Kaitlyn in a match that went about a minute. Afterward, Daniel Bryan came down and said the whole thing game him a boner. But he’s moving onto Kaitlyn. Not a bad choice, really. AJ’s doing a pretty good job, demeaning story aside. I like her facial expressions, and I actually am curious as to how this all plays out. Or, put another way, how the writers fuck this all up.
Bryan then took on Big Show and beat him instantaneously with the Yes lock. Sort of, kind of. He put Show in the hold and Big Johnny rang the bell. He was upset Show made fun of voice, so he rang the bell early. MONTREAL SCREWJOB PART 151! Whatever.
Scorpions “Big City Nights” is on. They’re acting like crazy, debaucherous Germans. They come off as a band who partied with the ladies but never actually took any back to the bus.
Roidback beat Heath Slater. Brodus Clay beat Hunico. The show would have been fine without these matches.
Titus O’Neil and Darren Young beat Santino Marella (U.S. champ …) and Zack Ryder. O’Neil/Young finally have matching gear. It was fine. The only reason I wouldn’t omit this match is it seems they’re building a tag team here, so that’s fine. No one will care about them, but yeah.
Antonio Cesaro beat the shit out of Alex Riley. He hit him with an uppercut that could not have felt very good. I love Cesaro, but I need some promos from the guy too. Let’s establish the “very European” line. That should already have been done. Do I need to write this show?
R. Truth beat Jack Swagger. Tag title match build-up. Exciting.
That’s it. I didn’t hate the show as much as I expected when I learned there were going to be 10 matches, but it still was probably too much. OK, Bathory over “Shot in the Dark” video. Ozzy thinks it’s funny too. I wonder how much coke he was on in this video. Probably too much.
Look, marriage is a difficult thing. It takes work, time and commitment: Three things that are tough to provide when you are on tour ever week. So I am not mocking John Cena and his impending divorce. I hope it can be resolved amicably.
However, Liz Cena hired a lawyer whose most high profile client got 70% of the wealth. 70 fucking percent of Hogan destroying his body for 20 years. Jesus Harold Christ on a fucking rubber cross, no wonder he had a gun in his mouth when Tatyana Ali called him. (Editor’s Note: That was Laila Ali. Tatiana Ali was the one daughter on Fresh Prince. Ryan gets those two confused all the time. Racist. -Ed.)
So chin up, John. On the plus side, I know someone who would be willing to be your rebound:
"You will have to cook and clean though unnnngh...."
You would make a great couple. Just not in North Carolina.
Welcome to Smackdown. I’m Sam and sorry it took so long to get this up on the site.
Sheamus comes out to cut a promo and out comes Daniel Bryan to have a match with him. Sure, you’d hope that Bryan wins here to get him strong for Punk. But then, doesn’t Sheamus need that, too? Well, then again, Bryan has lost a whole bunch of times. Then again, a few days in the future, they would give up on Sheamus. Or so it seems. You can never tell. That’s part of the fun in WWE, betting how long until someone gives up. Me? I look forward to seeing Paul E tap out to the STF from the the divorcée you cannot see. WORD LIFE CENA WANTS TO MAKE YOU HIS WIFE. NOT AGAIN.
Ricardo Rodriguez just did the best cross body you’ll see in WWE to break it up and then Alberto put his finisher on Sheamus to set up their match. But then, Dan Bryan gets on the Yes Lock. All the heels get a bit pissy with one another and I pretend that Dan Bryan is Varg and he’s yelling about Cokes and pakis.
Kofi is taking on Hunicio, but oh, here comes AW to watch with his guys. Oh shit and Lil’ Haku is in on this, too. He shows who his dad is by stiffing the fuck out of Kofi. This is a tag match, as I have learned. The babyfaces win, the heels watch, Southern booking prevails (blacks team or feud with blacks).
Brodus Clay vs. Jack Swagger is in the ring and of course Dolph Ziggler takes an ill advised bump on the floor, because that’s what great workers do. Swagger loses by count out and music and kids dancing in the ring and everyone is happy.
What is Smackdown without a long recap segment? I think it’s awesome that Johnny Ace did more damage to John Cena than Brock Lesnar did. Obviously, all the people who paid for his PPV matches were idiots. I’m glad we showed them and drove them off.
Damien Sandow is coming out to Hallelujah. No, not the song that sad girls like. Derrick Bateman is wrestling him. No, not the guy with the great business cards. But no. It does not happen. Sandow refuses the match and it gets over about as well as you’d expect it to get over.
Bateman demands a match and we all know what happens. Ryback comes out and does everything to him in the ring that Nacho Vidal would do to a woman. Figuratively. The crowd starts chanting Goldberg and no one bothers to edit it off. Noah is sold on Ryback already. He even yells out finish him, which is fucking awesome. Or hilarious. Or fucking hilarious. Or hilarious awesome. Or awesome hilarious.
Kane/Cody Rhodes vs. Big Show/Randy Orton. Randy really is awesome in that he does not give a fuck about the fans, or acknowledging them or changing how he works at all. He can go AWOL (when MCA’s in the house, what ya gonna do?). He can overdose. He can shit in your bag. His dad can almost give one of your stars Hep C. Who gives a fuck. People like him despite the fact that he does jack and shit to deserve or earn it. He’s a robotic swimsuit model that you can project your fears and insecurities on. What the fuck? No you can’t. Anyways, Big Show wins with a punch.
Layla beats Anvilita. Antonio Cesare is in the back. And the crazier AJ acts, the happier I am.
Moe flashbacks? Sure. Triple H’s arm got hurt so bad, he showed up for the wrong in-ring sport on PPV.
Albert Del Rios comes out for Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan, which starts again. They worked hard all show to get over that Sheamus was hurt and tough and came back and was a man. Then, they threw it away on Monday. Ah, WWE. Your backstage is more interesting than your stage.
Alberto gets involved, gets bumped, Bryan off top into Brogue Kick and a strong win by Sheamus. Punk vs. Bryan, does that need heated up? Maybe. You’d think. Ah, wrestling, you rascally business. -Sam
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