RAW Review: “the central idea of their loathsome faith”

February 7th, 2012

To quote Peter Pumpkinhead, let’s begin.

HHH cuts a promo bragging about how the UT didn’t leave mania under his own power last year. How a the end of the day, it was him, the almighty King of Kings who stood there, head held high, while the UT was golf-carted out of the arena. How when HHH looks the UT in the eyes, he is old and weak and doesn’t have a killer instinct anymore. UT then comes in and does a video package saying that Hunter was right, that win was meaningless and they have to have another match.

So… let’s start with the obvious. Everyone glossed over the big point of the debate here: TAKER WON THAT FUCKING MATCH. Are we really supposed to just brush that fact under the rug? HHH did not win the match that he is bragging about.

(Speaking of rungs, will they super glue the wig to taker for his match? UT shaved his head and the hair hasn’t grown back. He is wearing a wig for the time being, but what is the plan if it isn’t back by 4/1? Rivets and snaps? )

And then… THEN… UT comes out and AGREEES with Hunter. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLY fucking fuck, what? That match was meaningless? That match is a link in a chain that you are FAMOUS for; ipso facto, the whole streak is meaningless? Are you fucking with me, WWE? THIS is your build? Ignoring the past and telling everyone what they want and should believe in?

Actually, that seems par for the course.

Also, this will make HHH the person who has faced UT the most at Wrestlemania. This will be his third encounter with the dead man, breaking Kane and Shawn Michaels’ records of 2 each.

Also also, the quote he used about the undertaker is a mangled version of a line from the Nameless City: “That is not dead which can eternal lie/And with strange aeons even death may die.” This would make UT one of the elder gods, possibly even Cthulu himself. At least this would explain the madness in this booking. HHH is from the northeast, where there were a lot of Ry’Leahian cults. I choose to believe that he learned that line from his grandfather, who was head of a Massachusettes Cthulu cult in the 1920s. Finally, a reason to like HHH.

Dan Bryan contines his anti-wrestling push. He has a match with Big Show. He bring shis girlfriend AJ down with him in a nechbrace. She sold that she was apprehensive to do doing it, but went anyway. The match wasn’t all that memeorable, but it seemed to do the job it needed to. I liked that the offense made sense. Bryan did a dropkick to Shows knee to get him to his knees and then hit a big kick to the head. Bryan would try leg locks and his offense and Shwo would counter with is size. They made there way to the outside and Big Show almost mowed down AJ again, but stopped. Bryan leaves immediately and cut sa promo saying this proved Show could have stopped if he wanted to, and that no win is more important than Ajs safety. He leaves announcing that he will still be the champ and a vegan after the Elimination Chamber.

Otunga Tebowed and then got kicked by Sheamus.

Jericho comes out and cuts a promo, explaining that he is a heel. I thought it was pretty obvious, but I guess there was some debate? Anyway, he talks about how he is better than everyone else there and Punk comes out. He pulls out a mic and then just drops it. Pipe bomb! It was actually a good spot. He holds up his belt as a answer to everything that Jericho said, then turns his back to Jericho. When Jericho doesn’t attack him, he laughs and leaves, saying nothing. Good build for their Mania encounter.

Look, if you really expect me to watch Orton and Khali vs. ANYONE, you are mistaken. I like Rhodes and Barrett, but I can’t watch this.

Speaking of unwatchable… Ladies 4 on 4. I heard Beth broke Eve’s nose with a clothesline. Tamina hit her dad’s splash. Beth didn’t try to save the Bellas, probably because they are dressed as extras on a futuristic porn. Beth likes plotless porn. None of this show parody or storyline driven nonsense. Just balls and buttholes.

“Just balls and buttholes” will be the theme for my NYE party this year. Plan your costumes now.

We close with a six man. Winner gets to be the last man out of the pod in the Elimination chamber. Seems like less of a motivation than “#30 in the rumble” or “guaranteed title shot” for some reason, but it should be as big.

So R Truth did a dive and Miz completely missed him. Miz had his arms out but didn’t get his body there and R-Truth hit hard, both on his back and then bouncing the back of his head off the ground when he landed. Wow did that look bad. They keep working with people on the floor and cutting to the people. When they cut back to the floor, it was kinda like a flip book missing some pages. First, Truth is lying on the ground. Then he is lying by the ring. Then Miz is lying next to him, clearly talking to him. Then we have a commercial and when we come back they are helping Truth to the back. Then other wrestling happened and Jericho sneaks a win. IT was a good finish and what should have happened. He mocks Punk by sitting in the ring and holding the belt. I look forward to their meeting.

For some reason, we close on Kane being a close talker to Eve. They cleaned her up so Kane could tell Cena to FULLY embrace the hate. None fo this half-hearted, hugging your smelly uncle BS kinda embrace. He wants a full fucking embrace, damnit. Jesus, Cena wasn’t even on the show this week, was he? I just realized that.

See? I end on a happy note!

-Ryan

Posted in RAW Review | 2 Comments »

Ring of Honor

February 6th, 2012

I have a hard time reviewing ROH. I tend to not review the actual action, but rather the show itself. In the beginning, all ROH was was wrestling. The show had no form or function beyond selling the other ROH products.

However, they have been developing and getting better. They have continuing story lines. They have story arcs. They “review” segments build toward current angles and the non-wrestling action is designed to accent the wrestling.

This week, we open with Mike Bennett taking on Jay Lethal for the TV title. Lethal is really over here and it glaringly shows how misused he was in TNA. I don’t like that he had 5 finishing moves all called the Lethal Injection, or that the most current version starts with a back handspring off the ropes. Why not just hit the cutter. The back handspring version is fine in action, but why bother running to the ropes and adding extra flips while a guy just stands there after you work the crowd.

Mike Bennett is using his real life girlfriend, Maria Kanelis, as a valet. Amazing how easy it is to use a pretty girl for heat when you aren’t asking her to become a wrestler.

Kevin Steen is back in ROH. The ROH crowd seems to love him. I don’t think they want to turn Cornette heel, but it seems like the crowd will choose Steen over Cornette if they keep booking the way they are booking. I get that they are booking him like Steve Austin, but if they do that , they have to have a VKM for him to work against.

Cornette banned the piledriver in ROH. I trust that a lot more than the Steenalizer:

The newly turned WGTT called out the Briscoes. Briscoes practice what Nigel called “Redneck Kung Fu,” which made me chuckle. They are apparently willing to do chair shots in ROH as long as they are weak. Doing a safe chair shot is part of being a professional. Don’t overdo them and you have a really good gimmick to throw into a story line. Overuse it and we are back to sledgehammers again. Briscoe Brother 1 dove into a chair. Looked really safe and not painful at all, but Cornette made a big deal about it, which was smart. Something is only as important as you treat it..

So that is ROH. It is developing nicely. They still need a ton of work, but they are improving. Good for them

Ryan

Posted in Ring of Honor, Uncategorized | No Comments »

Episode 91: Play that Brian Adams song for him again

February 6th, 2012

Welcome to another episode of Counting the Lights. This one has it all. And by having it all, it has Kris Erickson as our guest. We taped this…maybe awhile ago. But still, it’s a fun show. You won’t learn a lot about wrestling, but you will learn a lot about us. Which is how it should be. Ryan Clark is even on this show.

You can listen to it at: http://countingthelights.com/Episodes/show91.mp3
Or on the players to the right and below.
Or on iTunes.

Episode 91 Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

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TNA: “In the midst of the vinegar strokes”

February 4th, 2012

I almost titled this “the night Abyss doesn’t have the shittiest teeth in the building,” but it seemed so easy. TNA is in England and Bobby Roodooo just said “It’s good to be back in Ireland.” It got no heat at all, coming off as doofusery.

Any road, TNA is in the UK and they started their show the same way they always do: someone in the ring calling out someone else. The crowd goes moderately barmy when James Storm comes out. I wonder if he’s been on a bender…and I don’t mean a gay man, governor. Ah, fuck. Ryan does the British thing better than me. I can barely handle English. And by that, I mean American. USA? USA!

Jeff Hardy can’t leave the country to come to England is too hurt to come to England, so Sting give James Storm two matches against Bobby Roooooo and Bully Ray. If presented differently, would Sting not be a heel? You know? Because he is forcing James Storm to deal with ah, fuck. Yeah.

Garrett Bischoff is on the phone and talking to someone who trained him. He comes off as fake, which I guess is what you expect.

Samoa Joe and Magnus come out and hey, Magnus is over as fuck, so he’ll be working heel. Thanks to Ra Ka King, I get to double up UH UH on Matt Morgan. And oh hai Crimson.

This match is a Buckingham Brawl, where one team gets to both be in the ring and one team works under tag rules. The crowd continues to chant for Samoa Joe, hoping that Joe is going to kill Crimson. They are booing everything that Crimson does and cheering the heels like crazy. Obviously, no one watches the TV. Or they do and don’t care.

Joe and Magnus have gelled into a nice team. There. I said something nice about TNA.

The crowd continues to chant for Joe to kill someone. Remember when Joe killed people?

Matt Morgan gets tagged in and people boo him like well, like they should boo Matt Morgan. He gets a near fall with a side slam, but this ain’t Survivor Series. It only gets a 2 count.

TNA is the company that will work a big arena in the UK for free TV and go to a small one in Nashville for the PPV. Yep.

Heels (or faces) win but this is not for the title. They hit their finisher with no name and people are quite happy. Now someone get Joe a bottle of HP Sauce so he can eat some Toad in the Hole.

Eric Bischoff arrives in a long shot that takes forever and he gets his own entrance music. Hello, London! You payed all sorts of money to see Easy E walk out all cocky, when the most he has done in 5 years is sell a Scott Baio sitcom. Someone in the crowd has a sign that says, “WHO ARE YA?” Indeed, old chap. Indeed.

The big question is, “Who has been training Garrett?” Actually, it’s two questions: Who gives a shit? And who gives a fuck?

Garrett has a pocket tattoo. Like where a pocket should be and it says Bischoff. Like how Amy Winehouse had one of those. However, Garrett is much more feminine than Amy was, but I bet he can’t sing “Valerie” as well.

Let me break down wrestling for you: none of it is fair and even if bad decisions don’t get over, they still keep happening. And it happens the same way in real life, in real jobs, every single day.

Garrett answers his cel in the middle of this promo to say, “Yeah. It is off the chain, bro.” I almost wrote above I wished he would die like Amy Winehouse, but come on. I’d never say anything like that. Death by pills is way too good for him.

I hope he gets rich and famous and then gets killed by the guy putting in his pool. ala Brian Jones.

James Storm will be fighting Bobby Roo first. Instead of Bully Ray. Because that totally makes sense. That’s the end of the story, not the beginning.

Hey Mark Haskins, remember when you fell off the top rope a bunch of times? Well, you’re back. He’s the top performer from Europe and he can go better than they can. Is he a go’er? Know what I mean? Can he go? Huh? Aww. AWWWWWW. HUH? AWWWWWW. A GO’ER?

The finish? A shooting star right onto Haskins’ head, then a kick in the head, a brainbuster and a submission. That was…well, the kid is lucky he isn’t dead.

Roooooo and Storm start off and they hate each other so much, they start off with chain wrestling.

No. No. No. Next week is a special “Star Wars” edition of TNA. WHAT THE FUCK.

Bully Ray interferes and James Storm loses and Sting saves and he left his gloves at home. Piss.

I went to the other room and Tara lost to Gail Kim. I figured you should know.

Gunner and Eric interrupt Garrett, but more importantly, they interrupt the sweetest sound sweetening that you’ve ever heard.

And oh hai, there’s the Hulkster. On free TV. Getting a free vacation. I have a new list for you:

THINGS HULK HOGAN WAS INVITED TO DO AND TURNED DOWN
• Marry Prince Rainer instead of Grace Kelly
• Play Chewbacca in Star Wars
• Participate in what we call “reality”
• Be the Chico in the Chico and the Man equation
• Blow up Dylan’s dad’s car while Dylan screams NOOOOO!
• Be the fifth Golden Girl
• Axe was originally to be called Axe Bomber, with the Axe Effect being called the Axe Bomber Effect
• Run with Water Mondale as his Vice-President
• Play drums for Led Zeppelin at Live Aid
• Be the lead in NBC’s Supertrain
• Be the Pink Lady in Pink Lady and Jeff. Secondly, he was offered the role of Jeff. He also turned this down.

Someone walked over Eric’s grave and he’s a marked man, he’s gonna get sniffed out and smoked out. Also: Hogan has been in a love affair with the UK for 18 years and does not need a pre-nup. No. Hulk Hogan should know, by now, that he always needs a pre-nup. He also smells blood with TNA. They are on the cutting edge and the verge and this close to being the best company of all time. They are doing everything right. Also, Hulk Hogan will be the hood ornament that you put on the ship. Ships don’t have hoods. Don’t get in his way, he’s on a roll. Eric’s son is going to eat him and whatever is left, the Hulkster will eat.

From this promo, we have learned that Hulk Hogan:
• Is a cannibal.
• Has no idea what is happening in TNA.
• Thinks the “we want pre-nup” lyric happened now, not 7 years ago.
• Has no idea that ships don’t have hoods.
• May have no idea what a ship truly is.
• Is fucking an entire country.
• Is going to use a crowd as a bloodthirsty mob to find Eric Bischoff and murder him in cold blood.

Glad we have that straight, because Bully Ray vs. James Storm is your main event. Storm is really feuding with Bobby Roo but come on. That was before. You aren’t supposed to think like that.

Anyhow…James Storm superkick Sting with a cricket bat Bob’s your uncle.

Next week, two things that have broken my heart, Star Wars and Pro Wrestling, meet up and have a retarded baby that dies in the womb. Be there.
-Sam

Posted in TNA | 2 Comments »

Behind the Eightball – 3 minutes to write, years to master

February 2nd, 2012

1. What do you think of Bourne’s suspension? Immaturity on his part, or does WWE need to lighten on pot suspensions?

Jeff Lonnett: I think they should apply the same rules as football. They should let the guys use the stuff Urlacher was talking about this week. It’s just not possible to put your body through what a guy like bourne does and not same some kind of pain medication.

Jake Garrett: Immaturity. Although Pot will only get you a fine, he was suspended for was “Spice” synthetic poat, which has been linked to five deaths.

Chuck “Super Giant Ninja” Platt: I believe that the Fed can set whatever drug policy it wants. What is infuriating is the way in which it is enforced. If they are really testing for drugs, why is it that only jobbers get suspensions? Until they get Mason Ryan, I have no faith in the system.

Noah Panico: I didn’t know he got suspended and don’t care. I think it’s immaturity. They don’t need to change the policy because it is an illegal controlled substance. He knows the rules, if smoking is important then his pay check he is an idiot.

Sam: That’s what wrong with wrestling today. Guys back in the day knew how to beat drug tests (or have Harvey Whippleman pee for them).

Kingdom “Don’t Use My Real Name” James: Evan Bourne celebrates returning from suspension by getting suspended again. Congrats. The real question here is will he go to TNA or ROH when he gets released in the annual post-Wrestlemania purge?

Chris Wood: Hope he likes going back to working the indies and getting stiffed by some crappy promoter for his $50 payoff.

Kris Erickson: He keeps getting busted for breaking the same rule, he deserves whatever they throw at him.

Scotty “Hakan” Metropolis: My girlfriend pointed out the fact that he has vampire teeth… He does.

2. Best bald wrestler? (either genetically or by choice)

Jeff: Hogan. Sorry, I know I’ll get flamed. He’s the standard still.

Jake: Austin, is there really any other choice?

Super Giant Ninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin. He was the biggest draw during the hottest period and I think his look was a big part of that. Middle America was rife with bald guys sporting goatees in honor of SCSA.

Noah: BVR.

Sam: Mutoh.

Kingdom: All-time is probably Steve Austin or maybe Great Muta. Depending on the level of baldness you accept though, it would be Shawn Michaels. (you didnt fool anyone with that pull-back/combover deal, Shawn!) Currently, I’ll give my vote to Christopher Daniels.

Chris: In terms of most over, Steve Austin.

Kris: Keiji Mutoh/Great Muta.

Scott: Mike Tyson’s favorite: Cold Stone, baby!

3. If WWE ever erects a physical hall of fame, would you visit?
– Also, who gets the first wing in said HOF?

Jeff: Yes– I would go, it would be more fun to me than a lot of museums. Vince gets wing one, Hogan gets wing 1A.

SGN: Yes. I would go for sure. Hulk Hogan, Steve Austin, and Bruno Sammartino get a wing dedicated to the pillars of the Fed.

Jake: Yes, I would. First wing would go to all the McMahon family drivers.

Noah: Yes I would for sure. And what do you mean who gets the first wing? You mean named after them? Vince Killer Sr.

Sam: Will there be a wing for limo drivers? How about convicted rapists? How about rat killers?

Kingdom: Depends on where they put it. If it were in a town I were already planning to visit, then sure I might make half an effort to go see it. But it would never be a destination in and of itself.

Chris: Depends on where it is. It has to be on my way to somewhere else. Not going out of my way for that place (unless they do the inductions there every year then I may change my mind).

Kris: Depends on the location. The first wing has to go to Vince Sr.

Scott: I’d probably fucking move to whatever city they put it in… Even Pittsburgh. First wing should be dedicated to Dave Thomas (from Wendy’s) for inventing the arm-bar burger.

4. If your job was to assign a gimmick to & package Colt Cabana for a WWE run, what would you give him?

Jeff: Have him be in punk’s corner, then get angry because he made it. He does the opposite of what punk was trying to do this summer, he sneaks in every show, dresses up like other wrestlers and beats up his old buddy out of jealousy. One night, he’s sin cara, next night, he steals Kane’s mask.

Jake: I’d just let Colt be Colt. If the best gimmicks are that person turned up, then the crowd would get behind him real quick.

SGN: Ryan and I talked about this one. Colt should debut with a mustache, tight jeans, and a shirt that is way too small. He plays the overly excited babyface, with one little difference. Instead of slapping fives with kids, he tries to score with their moms. Yes, Colt Cabana, MILF Hunter. Colt would be perfect as a sleazeball who takes women for the ride and refuses to get off the couch. He should milk a very minor injury, too.

Noah: I would have him do what he does now and I would eventually have him do all his other gimmicks. It worked for Foley so let him try it.

Sam: I would have him do podcasts with all sorts of people and have fat kids wonder why he isn’t in WWE. Oh he’s doing that one? OK.

Chris: Kingdom has a well thought out plan so who am I to go against that.

Kingdom: My Colt Cabana gimmick would be to give him a brand new gimmick every week. maybe just have him recycle old gimmicks each week like TL Hopper and Duke The Dumpster. The whole thing would start with Punk and Colt backstage. Punk would say “I got you in. Now it’s up to YOU to stay here.”. And remind Colt of all the shit he’s heaped on “creative” since he was released. Then Colt steps into an office filled with the angry bitter creative staff who spend the next few months delighting in torturing him. This idea plays right into the current WWE’s fascination with having characters point out, in a very shoot manner, how much each other and the WWE itself sucks.

Kris: Zack Ryder is out with a broken back, I would have Cabana show up in a month or two, claiming to be Ryder, basically ripping off the Brian Lee Underfaker angle. Where it goes from there, I don’t know, don’t care.

Scott: I’d have him recreate Wrestlefag. And I would team him up with Latin Nick.

5. Who was the absolute worst, no charisma, no skill, no right, no reason being in WWE, wrestler that WWE has ever had (At least Kahli had market value in India?

Jeff: I hate the red haired nexus guy.

Jake: Virgil.

SGN: Edge.

Noah: Giant Silva. I think that’s what his name was.

Sam: Barakus, but Noah thought his name was Barabbas, which is funny.

Kingdom: Vince had charisma but no skill. I’m going to say Ted Arcidi.

Chris: Michael Cole.

Kris: Nova.

Scott: Randy Orton… Fuck! He’s taken the HHH boring-ass 30 minute in-ring promo & made it actually put a virus on my DVR.

6. Besides Rock vs Cena, what matches do you honestly think will be on the card at this year’s WrestleMania?

Jeff: Shaq/Big Show and UT/HHH.

Jake: Punk vs Jericho and HHH vs Taker, althought Id rather see a guy like Barrett vs Taker.

SGN: Chris Jericho vs. CM Punk.

Noah: HHH vs UT with HBK as ref. Mick Foley vs. MIZ. And Jericho vs. whoever has the belt maybe Orton.

Sam: Andy tried to ruin this by posting news. We wanted opinion. Jericho vs. Punk, Dan Bryan vs. Sheamus in ginger fire doom match, Kofi Kingston in a fashion show with Rey Mysterio Jr. match and finally, Triple H vs. Undertaker vs. naps.

Chris: Punk vs. Jericho. Bryan vs. Orton. Evan Bourne vs. a “Future Endeavors” press release.

Kingdom: I think we will probably get Dustin vs Cody, Orton (rumble winner) vs Bryan, Punk vs Ziggler and maybe Ryder vs Swagger or Kane. There’ll be a train wreck money in the bank match. And neither the women’s title or tag titles will be defended on the main card.

Kris: Punk v. Jericho, Ace v. Foley, Bryan v. Henry, something with Divas, and a MITB match…

Scott: Jericho vs CM Punk (if Punk ever quits burying his opponents, this can be built up so fucking brilliantly), Undertaker vs ‘Death’ from Family Guy, Peyton Manning vs Eli Manning, my boy Dolph Ziggler vs somebody who can go, Wobbly Willis vs Big Bad Brad.

7. Who had a better career: Shane Douglas or Ricky Morton?

Jeff: Dial up the internet.

Jake: Ricky Morton. I’d think he drew more money than Shane did. Although based on the Nash rule, Douglas does look more like a wrestler if you saw them both in the airport.

SGN: Ricky Morton. No one ever got anywhere playing the “Shane Douglas”.

Noah: Ricky Morton. He was a better tag wrestler, he kayfabed Wood and he had the best old car I have ever seen! Plus his hair and gimmick never changed and not many people can say that!

Sam: When Shane does a worked shoot angle with Kevin Nash and tells him to dial up the internet, he can win. But now? He does not win. Also, as always, it comes down to who has had more blowjobs. And Bill Watts referred to Ricky Morton as just that: a blowjob. Not like Roddy Piper’s assistant. No. As a dude who was gonna bring in female fans who would pay money to sit there and fantasize about sucking his dick.

Kingdom: When I asked this question I was hoping it would cause everyone to have serious internal debates about the right answer but when I give it some quick thought myself, it’s obvious that the answer is Morton. 5-time NWA World tag champ, runs in NWA/WCW and WWE, singles run vs Flair for the NWA world title, years as the mst popular babyface in the business. It’s gotta be Morton.

Chris: Ricky Morton by far. Probably the top babyface next to Dusty in one of the hottest areas of the country for wrestling during the 1980s.

Kris: Morton.

Scott: Shane Douglas was so fucking full of himself & overrated… Also, I can’t remember ever throwing my bowl of luke-warm macaroni, seasoned with my mother’s cigarette ashes at the television, waiting for him to take the “hot tag”… Ricky Morton, all the way.

8. Who would win in a fight: Andy Stowell with a barbed wire baseball bat or Virgil in handcuffs?

Jeff: I’ll take Andy.

Jake: Virgil in handcuffs. Since it’s the billed main event Andy would leave before it happened.

SGN: Andy.

Noah: Virgil. Why? Because Andy would play cut him with the barb wire bat. Had it been a knife it could have been a different story.

Sam: This is a trick question. It is the main event, so Andy would not be there. Also, he would never get within eyeshot of a black person.

Kingdom: I pray for Andy to win but Virgil’s gonna choke him out with those cuffs.

Chris: Just so I can give an answer, I will go with Virgil.

Kris: THEY already confirmed that Andy will win. 


Scott: The black guy. Always…. Always the black guy.

Posted in Behind the 8 Ball | No Comments »

Card subject to…well, whatever…

February 1st, 2012

Let’s say that someone that knows something about ticketing sent us this.

“GUSTY” DANIEL BRYAN
“MALEVOLENT” WADE BARRETT
“MAN ON THE PEOPLE” TED DIBIASE, JR
“ARROGANT PLAYBOY” DREW MCINTYRE
“VINDICTIVE LEADER” HUNICO W/ CAMACHO

Yep. Sometimes, these things write themselves.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Comics, Blah! #19: You’ve just rented a jet ski to Andy. Say goodbye to your jet ski.

February 1st, 2012

You got comics in my wrestling. You did not get wrestling in my comics. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Comics Blah! | 2 Comments »

Raw Review: Let me take your hands, I’m shaking like milk

January 31st, 2012

Royal Rumble was rather bland. You would think that with the dull PPV, they would have a hot RAW to try and bring the audience back. Man, you are so stupid for thinking that.

We open with Johnny Ace. His job is on the line and He is getting a review from the guy whose job he stole, HHH. Boy, there is no other outcome other than the predicted one, right?

Ace makes matches for the night. Dan Bryan vs Punk. Bryan comes down and cuts a better promo than punk. Noah was torn, as he hates Bran, but loves seeign Punk get upstaged. “I’ll take that pipe-bomb of yours and shove it up your ass” was a great line. Punk, trying to toe the face line, said they should just have a great match for all of the people here. You know, becasue these two were friends like 2 weeks ago, reminiscing about how they came up together. Neither has changed that much, so why all of the animosity now?

Sheamus then came out and holy fuck is he over. People on their feet and the dBs spike. You would have thought he had come out with a titty cannon. (That is a t-shirt cannon, but instead of a shirt it fires a set of titties. It’s an idea I am working on. Patent pending, so don’t try and ace me on it, you fuckers.) He reminds them that he will headline Mania facing a title holder. Then he cheers up the crown with some wacky pikey antics and leaves.

Orton comes back and beats Ziggler. I really dont think you needed to feed Orton someone as pushed as Ziggler to jump start his return, but what the fuck do i know? While I have said that it seems you get more out of working Orton than Cena, in this case if felt like Orton was clearly the better wrestler and why should we pay attention to Ziggler if he can’t compete at that top level? He got his spots in, but it felt very one-sided.

They gave Brodus like two new moves. I still loved every minute of it. He is the reincarnation of Dusty Rhodes. Also, it turns out Tyler Reks is still in the WWE.

So the two titleholders are topping the hour. They have a match that, despite me liking these guys, really didn’t do much for me. Perhaps it was becasue you know that neither could go over. I was expecting a double count out. I got Jericho running in and taking both out. Jericho had tweeted that day that he had something to say at RAW and after the match, tweeted a “told you.” I think these two could have a great program. My guess is they are building to mania, and my guess is Jericho wins the title in the Elimination chamber.

Kofi takes on the Miz. What stood out to me was how untanned the Miz was, which was odd because he was Snooki Orange at the PPV. Desiree and I were commenting on how bad of a spray tan job they did on him and how splotchy he was in close ups. Looks like they got it scrubbed off of him. I hear the Olly twins are free, maybe the Fed could hire them?

Eve is distracted. Kane wants to hate fuck her. She is taking on Beth Phoenis for the title. She goes apeshit on Beth for 7 seconds, then takes a clothesline and Glam Slam for a 15 second match. Then Kane shows up. Then Cena shows up and that turd… actually did a decent job. He is enjoying beating on someone. Kane is getting him to embrace his hate. He is doing that, Mission accomplished.

Johnny is out and He tells you why he is good at his job. HHH comes out and tells him he isn’t. Trips bullys him around a bit and then fires him. Or he would have, but UT showed up to not talk and challenge him to another match at WM. Another match with someone he beat already, so of course he is challenging him. HHH refuses through interpretive dance and we end with Ut looking somewhat perplexed, like when you fake throwing a ball for a dog.

Trips past wasn’t behind him so he couldn’t become GM. Instead it came out and was in front of him. How deep.

-Ryan

Posted in RAW Review | 2 Comments »

What’s in a name?

January 31st, 2012

Ryan and I were discussing how some wrestling finishers get like xerox and kleenex: words that once meant brands but are now the generic name for a move. Or, even better, moves that were innovated by someone and retained that name.

Here are a few. Maybe you know a few more and can join the conversation:

Frankensteiner: “It’s not a fucking huricarana!” to quote the originator, Scott Steiner. This name gets used regardless of promotion and has become the de facto name for the move.

Fujiwara armbar: Taken from the finisher of Yoshiaki Fujiwara, this is the name given to a ton of armbars that are not even Fujiwara armbars.

Saito suplex: Shawn Michael’s called his old finisher the Teardrop Suplex, but it’s known as the Saito suplex in a lot of places, named for Hiro Saito.

EDIT: Kris was right, it’s Masa Saito, not Hiro.

O’Connor Roll: Named for tag team standout Pat O’Connor.

Weaver Lock: Named for Johnny Weaver. Rarely used any more.

Huricarana: Name for Hurricane Ramirez.

Gory Special, Gory Bomb: Named for Gory Guerrero.

Asai Moonsault: Named for Ultimo Dragon’s real name, Yoshihito Asai.

Sasuke Special 1 and 2: This dive to the floor is named for Great Sasuke.

Space Flying Tiger Drop: Named for Tiger Mask.

Ace Crusher: Johnny Ace’s finisher.

Dragonrana: Named for Dragon Kid.

Black Tiger Bomb: Named for Mark “Rollerball” Rocco’s finish as Black Tiger.

Baba Chop: Giant Baba’s signature chops.

Gotch Piledriver: Named for Karl Gotch, and in a way, the German Suplex is called so because Karl Gotch popularized it.

Regal Stretch: Named for, of course, Steve Regal.

Thesz Press: Named for Lou Thesz.

Shining Wizard: Called as such as Keiji Mutoh’s nickname is Wizard.

Stretch Plum: Kawada’s submission takes its name from Plum Mariko, its inventor.

Michinoku Driver 2: Takes its name from TAKA Michinoku.

I debated including moves like the Anklelock and Delfin Clutch, but those moves are only called that when one person uses them. Yet we always call a Michinoku driver…a Michinoku driver. Why is that? Why are some moves given these powerful names and others, like the tombstone, have always had names like this?

In a future article, I’d like to investigate where moves got their names from as well as the names of some of my favorite finishers. What do you guys think?
-Sam

Posted in Uncategorized | 25 Comments »

ROH: A review for this weekend

January 30th, 2012

-Ryan

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

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