When I watch Raw, I suffer through diva matches. It’s horrible, horrible, horrible watching. My point is, and has always been, that if you want to see naked women, there is porn. And if you want to watch wrestling, there is wrestling. Don’t mix chocolate and shit. Mix chocolate and peanut butter. Trust me on that.
I am not saying that there are not great women’s wrestlers. Nor attractive ones. But girls chosen strictly for their looks are usually never all that good in the ring and it just ends up making my teeth hurt.
That said, I am here this early morning to let you in on something.
The women you grew up watching wrestle in the 80s? Not that hot.
Yeah. That was one of the 80s sex symbols. I would like to share that when doing the research on her, I learned that “Simmes then competed in an 8-person mixed tag team match partnering with Rhodes, Nikita Koloff, and Barry Windham against Cornette, The Midnight Express, and Dick Murdoch.” Jesus, what I wouldn’t give to see Dick Murdoch work her
It gets worse. Oh, much worse. Let’s take a look at…
Yes, this is the other member of Team America.Sadly, they were a team in the 80s and had no access to a time machine, allowing them to come out to “America! Fuck Yeah!” You see, the announcers always put over how hot these girls were. Oh, man. Well, maybe, when you consider these were the NWA ladies. Are you prepared for what awaits you in the WWF?
I have to explain a phenomena to you. I call it a soft on. It’s when yo get so unturned on, yourpenis gets softly erect. Almost like a white dwarf star, the density of your penis causes it to collapse within itself, and you can maybe never get an erection again. Take a look at this photo. Yep. You are never getting hard again. “Haw haw haw,” as Satan would say in a Jack Chick comic.
That said, you know, Wendi Richter laughs at Bret Hart being upset about Montreal. She was the original screwjobee. I go to wikipedia here for this and will comment.
“In 1985, after losing and then regaining the title from rival Leilani Kai at the inaugural WrestleMania, Richter was scheduled to defend her women’s title at Madison Square Garden on November 25 of that same year against a mysterious masked opponent known only as The Spider Lady. Moments into the match, The Spider Lady broke from the pre-scripted events and pinned Richter’s shoulders to the mat. The referee—who was in on the plan—delivered a swift three count, despite Richter kicking out after a a count of one. Richter ignored the bell and continued to attack the Spider, unmasking the new champion to reveal that it was The Fabulous Moolah in disguise.”
Dude, let me repeat. She ripped her hood off after the match like it was a fucking real life wrestling angle. And it wasn’t. Bret thought some crazy shit happened? Dude. C’mon. Wiki goes on…
“It was reported that the plan to rid Richter of the title was concocted by WWF Chairman Vince McMahon, who brought in Moolah after Richter refused to sign a new contract with the WWF. Richter, however, claims she was still under her original five year contract, but that she regularly had disagreements with McMahon about her compensation. She also claims that when she arrived at the arena that day, she was surprised to find Moolah backstage, as Moolah never showed up to events for which she was not scheduled to wrestle. After the match, an infuriated Richter left the arena in her wrestling gear, took a cab to the airport, and booked herself on a flight out of New York. Afterward, she never spoke to either McMahon or Moolah again.”
I’d also like to add that she was once married to Hugo Savinovich. You may have seen Hugo running as his table is destroyed again and again as he tried to give you Spanish commentary. I just told this fact to Noah and he said, “Oh. They put that dude through a table before. Why did they always break the Spanish announce table? Did they not like Spanish people?” Noah likes to ask a lot of questions.
As you can see, the 80s wrestling women were not very attractive. But what about the valets?
Baby Doll managed Tully Blanchard. Then he threw her away and Dusty swooped in. She also managed the Warlord. And, as we can see, managed to look like an anvil in he face department. Right now in your head, you should hear Jim Neidhart go “HEH HEH HEH HAH!”
Recently, Baby Doll managed Jeff Jarrett against Tully. A sick part of me wants to see that match.
Finkel Fact – She was once married to Sam Houston, which is why she was not used in NWA once he got over in UWF. Sam Houston’s brother? Jake Roberts. Noah adds, “Sam is not from Houston, but he raps a lot.” Which is from the Notorious B.I.G. “Flava In Your Ear” remix. His sister? Rockin’ Robin.
I guess I should end this on a happy note.
Look, I know. She has a big nose. But I was always into Madusa/Alundra. Maybe it’s because I like birls, or boyish girls. Who can say. I would like to share some more facts, if I may. Her Wiki entry made me giggle.
“Miceli had been informed that the WWF was not going to renew her contract which expired on December 13, 1995 and she was being released. Miceli quickly signed with WCW and showed up on WCW Monday Nitro on December 18, 1995. She denounced the Blayze gimmick, threw the WWF Women’s Title belt in a trash can, and reclaimed her Madusa moniker. Rather than hold a tournament to crown a new champion, the WWF once again abandoned the Women’s title. In WCW, Madusa had a brief feud with Sherri Martel because Sherri supposedly stole Col. Rob Parker from her and even interrupted their wedding vows in Las Vegas. Martel pinned Madusa in the second ever women’s match on Monday Nitro. Their feud ended after that.”
1. By trashing the belt, that was one of the few legal standings that WWF had over WCW and was used numerous times in legal wranglings
2. Let me say it again. She and Sherri feuded over Robert fucking Fuller. If anyone has a picture of Fuller leading Harlem Heat to the ring on chains, post it in the comments.
3. She had a loser gets their bike smashed match against Bull Nakano (who, yes, I find hot) and still smashed Bull’s rice rocket, proving that:
A. Babyfaces can cheat and no one care.
B. Wrestling is racist because the Japanese girl has to have a Japanese bike.
C. Sonny Ono managed Bull, also adding to racism
So, I have tortured you with ridiculous facts and horrible pictures. I feel like I owe you something. OK, so here you go.