Last week: Aces and 8s targeted Hulk Hogan and are looking for a new member. AJ Styles is tired of being a janitor. Austin Aries outbid Bobby Rooo, the guy whose gimmick is being rich. So. Yeah. Then he capitalized on this mini-push by doing the job. And then, horrible fake dubstep played. Oh fuck, it’s the last Open Fight Night of 2012. Fuck me. Fuck you. It’s TNA, fukka, as old cool Taz would say.
How do you start a wrestling show? Have a dude walk to the ring, call out another dude and have them fight. This is the 52nd time I’ve written this statement in 2012 for TNA.
Bully Ray calls Hogan out not to fight, but to TWALK. Some pork.
Brooke comes out saying, “I don’t know how he knows, but he knows.” Bully has no idea how he could know. Which means that yes, your top fucking babyface doesn’t watch Impact.
Let me say that in all caps.
HE DOESN’T WATCH THE FUCKING TV SHOW THAT YOU PUT OUT.
Maybe we should just assume that the TV – and us, by extension – are omniscient narrators in a world where the main characters have no idea that we exist. But wait – people talk to the camera all the time. Mike Tenay, Taz and Todd all talk right to the camera after this segment and put my theory in the recycle bin.
Austin Aries comes out instead for a promo. This is Crash TV, except, well, Crash TV actually built some storylines you’d want to see.
So Cal Val gets on camera for a bit. I can bet you a lot of money that she’s had drinks at the hotel with people bitching about the company and how they overlook all the people who built it. Just saying, people. I can smell these things.
Aries makes him versus Roo the main event of the show. It’s called Open Fight Night, not You’re the Booker Night.
CTL True Fact: Sometimes, we just watch tapes and randomly pause them to get funny faces. Which is hilarious because we still call them tapes, proving we are old. And because we can entertain ourselves like that and we are all grown adults.
Samoa Joe comes out, announced as YOUR Samoan Submission Machine. Thanks, Joe! I’m glad that you’re on my side. Can you go fix my bathtub into submission?
Joe calls out a masked man and says he’ll take the masked man’s mask. Mask.
If Aces and 8s wants to fuck up all of TNA, why is Earl Hebner counting Joe in the corner and getting in his way?
If Aces and 8s are as bad as they say they are, why do they break on Earl Hebner’s four count?
It’s like TNA is it’s own strange universe where if some rules aren’t tacitly agreed to, that small self-contained logical operation system will cease to be. Or maybe I think about shit way too much. Someone has to.
Joe taps the dude out with no problem and then doesn’t get the mask off. He’s saved, way too late, by the rest of the Aces and 8s. What an ineffectual faction. How often do they win? What have they won, a TV title? Why are they here? What do they want? Did you let them in the club? Did you make them pay? Those Aces and 8s want everything. In the fucking world. There goes the neighborhooooooooooooooood.
The Rob’s are talking bro, then run into Mr. Pectacular in back and call him a hamster. They say, dude bro dude. These dudes are going to fight. Then, they’re going to have a bro off. Then, holy shit, they are totally going to do that weird sex thing where they push each other dick heads in.
TO THE BACK. That black dude I have no idea who he is is all fake with Christian York, who says, “Where do they find these guys? Jesus.” This makes me like him a bit, but let’s face it. If Christian York was Jay York, I would love him.
This segment, this bro off? It’s dudes dancing and posing down. It’s also even gayer than I thought it would be and I figured these dudes would be all Hakan and Nacho on Daniella Rush.
Robbie T finally is like, “I can make this even more Tom of Finalnd.” And he does. He sure does. His music sounds like a modern remix of the kind of music Vince would have used on TNT. Also: he should never do a back roll. Ever.
CTL True Fact: Sam looks down on anyone that spells roll, as in rolling backward, as role. And anyone who spells role, as is know your role, as roll. Please act accordingly.
Rob Van Dog is sitting on the back of the couch, doing flips from one couch to the other really, and just barking his head off. It’s snowed a bunch, but how dare anyone park in front of the house? Fuck those cars. Seriously. Fuck those cars.
TO THE CLUBHOUSE. Devon rinks, Doc bangs two girls, a Galaga machine goes unplayed.
TO THE OVW: If Impact was just two hours of Danny Davis fucking with Jossph Park, it would be the perfect show for me. Seriously, I laughed throughout this way too short segment.
TO THE BACK. Chris Daniels is walking. Kazarian is mad they don’t make merchandise of them. Kevin Arnold’s brother is asking way too many questions.
Hogan recap? Yeah. Hogan recap, the one where he called TNA a little teeny company. One that did better ratings before he came in, or at least comparable ratings, all while spending less? Well yeah.
TO THE BACK. Robert Roo. How many times must I say in 2012 that I hate Robert Roo?
TO THE VIDEO. Sting says, “It’s showtime.” Ugh.
Chris Daniels comes out to a fake version of RevCo’s “Do You Think I’m Sexy?” He calls the crowd ham sandwiches, as they chant, “Where’s your boyfriend?” He also refers to this evening as Open Fizz Nizz. He then says that he’ll take on AJ one last time until the next time.
Kaz comes out as AJ and it’s so good, I get a text from Scotty Metropolis at 5 AM about it.
“Kazarian imitating AJ Style was pretty spot-on at first on Impact tonight. Hopefully you noticed that for your little website.”
I mean, he has the mannerisms and the voice down pat. It’s so good that it turns these guys almost into babyfaces. No one is booing this. They’re all just laughing at everything. The crowd then chants, “We want AJ.” He replies, “I’m right here.” Greatness.
The Mexicans not from Mexico come out to kind of ruin the fun.
Taz is back to shitting all over the new guy, in case you wondered.
The heels built up all this momentum in their promo. So, of course, they do the job in the very same night. Because that’s how you get heels over.
TO THE BACK. Jeff Hardy talks. “The selfishness and arrogance don’t work for me.” Doesn’t. Doesn’t, Jeff. Or, “they don’t work for me.”
Aces and 8s video airs.
TO THE CLUBHOUSE. What would make me hate Aces and 8s more? Add Ken Anderson.
Gail Kim challenges Miss Tessmacher. Tessmacher’s hair looks so 80s, if it was a video tape, it’d be red and say VCA on it. Well, Gail wins with Eat Defeat.
Austin and Roo have a match. Somewhere in it, Jeff Hardy is watching and we get the Jeff camera in full effect. Is TNA sports or drama? Does it even know?
Anyways. Jeff takes them both out. The end.
Thanks for reading my diatribes against TNA for another year. See you in a few days, or a year, you know how that works.