TNA Impact: Huff huff, brother…

Last time: Wes Brisco had a Gut Check, Eric Young got hit with a hammer and Austin Aries fucked with Brooke Hogan. Oh yeah, a bunch of Gut Check winners actually got over, but they aren’t bringing that up.

Hogan comes out to talk about Bully Ray, Austin Aries and his daughter. Serious business. So serious that he poses on the whole way to the ring.

“My world came together and almost imploded in this building,” says the Hulkster. Who writes his dialogue, Jack Kirby?

“Austin Aries publicly airing the videos of Bully Ray and Hulk’s daughter really struck a chord,” says the Professor. That would make sense if TNA hadn’t showed those videos two weeks in a row. If you expect quality control from TNA, you expect Chris Claremont to not write about bondage or Prince not to be short.

So Hogan and Bully are face to face and Brooke’s music hits and we’re all supposed to be, “That’s Brooke’s music!” THIS TIME! BROOKE’S TIME!

TO THE BACK. Austin Aries talking shit. Some random black dude is in Hogan’s office! Zema is in his office, too! What the fuck is going on!?!

Austin gets in a great line about lying on the desk not being comfortable and asking Brooke how she does it. The crowd pops in a way that you realize they are with the heel and not the face. They cut to Brooke and she looks mushy at best.

Mickie James vs. Gail Kim is up. Taz makes a kind of sort of John Cena had sex with her joke that no one would get. Mickie’s outfit is ridiculous and not in the best way. Oh well. She wins, we move TO THE BACK. James Storm is going blah blah blah and AJ is like, “You’re whining.” These dudes have some group therapy. Storm tells AJ he needs to get back on track. Yeah. OK. Um. He won last week. Remember that.

Hogan comes back to his office and is all like, “We have a situation in the X Division.” Kenny King. That’s who the black dude is. Zema and Hogan talk talk, which is pretty awesome. Kenny King has to get his crap and get out of there. Somehow, Hulk Hogan has stopped doing what he did best: he never comes across as the best guy in the company. It’s not for lack of trying. But it’s all for nothing. Kid Kash goes off about how this company has heritage. I bet he says the shit drunk at the bar as he grapples with how he has to chop young men to get erections. Allegedly.

What’s that shitty song? Oh yeah. Bobby Roooooooooooooo. He made a statement. And it was really clear. It was, “You’re sick of me, but fuck you, I’m winning the title again.” If his statement was so clear, then why does he have to come out and talk?

Christian York interrupts all this as he comes out to the worst song ever. He slaps Roooo in the face open handed, because you know. That’s what guys do in fights. Open handed slaps. The world is Pancrase.

This is a match now. Right after Rooooo buried York as a rookie and someone who didn’t matter. I mean, we’ve all said, many times, that that isn’t how to do promos.

The finish of this: York shoves the ref, Rooo clobbers him from behind and taps him out. Yep. That’s how you get over young babyface talent – he’s not young – by having them act stupid and submitting. Look, I realize dudes submit all the time in lucha. But that’s lucha. This is American pro wrestling and you don’t get over as a new guy but tapping. Two out of three matches, tapping. Maybe that’s his gimmick, the immobile orange dude in cornrows who taps clean. I don’t know.

ODB is doing a promo later tonight about how Aces and Eights killed her husband. Now, we’re in their clubhouse. You can barely understand this voice and it goes on and on. Next week, Doc vs. Kurt/Angle. Also, next week, Devon wants a match against Samoa Joe.

Next: GUT CHECK.

Lots of talking. Kurt tries to campaign for Wes. And D Lo can’t find someone. Backstage drama. It doesn’t come off like that. It comes off like a company that doesn’t have its shit together.

Daniels/Kazarian vs. AJ/Storm in a Fortune reunion. That name is never brought up. They were all friends, though. AJ’s gimmick is that he blows spots now. That’s what gets you over as a babyface.

Daniels just did the most amazingly fake whip to the ropes ever. It made me laugh out loud. Seriously: the commentary on this match is all about how much AJ sucks now.

James Storm wins this when he blind tags himself in. This somehow makes him a babyface. But yeah. I like that the best tag team in the company just lost to a tea that can’t even get along. So you know, this match got over them as ineffectual and AJ as a fucking idiot. AJ is dejected, but why? You know? It wasn’t like he fucked up all that much. It was all pretty weird and nobody likes to get behind a whiner. But they’ll do this anyway.

Zema gets off a good line, “You had your pasta. I have my hairspray.” Kid Kash talks about how he’s old and this should be his shot and blah blah. This whole segment was weird.

TO THE BACK. Samoa Joe cuts a great promo on Devon. It actually makes me want to see their match.

Douglas Williams is representing the entire UK. That’s a lot to shoulder. He will be facing Joey Ryan, which means Taz is about to make gay jokes at Todd. Oh, even worse. He’s taking on Matt Morgan. And that was that. The cheesiest fucker ever, Matt Morgan.

Gut Check: Brother Love shits all over the match last week. That said, he likes him enough to say yes. Al Snow isn’t there and D Lo is. So…yeah. Shenanigans. Taz’s vote: No. Someone hit that dude with a hammah, as he would say. Some pork. Wes gets on the mic to cut a promo: It’s the most maudlin, pandering interview ever, which is to say, it’s the best wrestling promo there can be. D Lo’s advice: get a gun and get yourself booked on indy shows. Actually, D Lo says yes and Wes Brisco is in TNA. Garrett comes out as gay as possible and Kurt/Angle is like, “Let’s do pills…I mean, fucking hug, you beautiful motherfucker.”

I know dude is in Aces and Eights. Guess what? I like this angle.

TO THE BACK. Hogan. Bully. Real talk, son. Dwaughter. Caweer. NO BROTHER. HUFF. HUFFFFFFFFFF. POSTER. If you can, go back and read those words over that promo. It will make it so much better.

TO THE INK MASTER. Jeff Hardy is on it. Synergy.

TO THE FENCE. ODB can’t do this and walks away. Oh ODB, if only I could do that every week with TNA.

Austin Aries learned what I did this week: it is nearly impossible to hand feed giant pills to Rob Van Dog. He will bite your fucking fingers off. It hurts to even type this.

Austin almost had it won, he made fun of Brooke and it brought out the cast of Hogan Knows Worst. Listen to the adjective.
-Sam

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