TNA Impact: Nobody threatens Kurt Angle

James Storm starts a promo by shitting on the haters. The most indy promo ever. And now, Bobby Rooooo comes out. But wait – have they not settled all of their issues by now? No. They have not. They may never.

The new announcer refers to Turning Point as “last night.” No, it was Sunday. This is Thursday. This was taped. And no one fixed it in the days that it sat, nearly done. Tonight, they fight again, with James Storm’s title shot on the line.

AJ Styles gets shit on by Hulk Hogan.

TO THE BACK. Doc talks to the Club. I hate every minute of this stupid CLub bullshit.

Rob Van Dog stood and barked at the garbage truck. Fuck that garbage truck, coming near the house. Doesn’t it know better? Listen up, garbage truck. Never come back.

Holy cow. ODB just mentioned pissplay to Eric Young.

TO THE BACK. Kurt. Wes. Garrett. Tag match.

Big Brother kid vs. Eric Young. More pissplay references. Wow, people. Come on.

Taz has fucked with the new guy the entire match to the point that it took away from the match. Everyone saying, “Heh heh” and yelling over one another. Jeremy Borash sad in back. Me saying, as always, “Fuck this company.” Big brother dude winning clean with the worst stunner ever.

Joe Park is in back begging for a match. Hogan treats him like a total asshole. Remember when the guy got kidnapped for you, Hulk? No? Oh, OK.

Magnus has a match with Samoa Joe but then Ace and Eights jump him and he gets stretchered out. There is ballpeen hammer violence. Baseball bat violence. TO THE BACK FANCY CAMERA of Magnus getting taken out on the stretcher.

JEFF HARDY CAMERA. Holy shit, it even has sound effects now. Have I mentioned: fuck this company.

Kurt is out and he has Garrett with him. The war rages on. Um, OK. Devon and a mask dude come out. I hate the Aces and Eights theme. Hate hate hate.

Taz keeps making jokes that aren’t funny and then saying, “Heh heh heh.” He also says them so fast, you can’t even understand them. Then how do I know they’re not funny? Come on. It’s Taz. He hasn’t done anything funny since he showed his dick to that girl in the tanning salon in Robinson.

Wes Brisco ran in for the save. Kurt, a babyface, used a low blow and a schoolboy to win. Aces and Eights keep losing matches. This feud must continue. But why? What does anyone gain by winning against them?

Seriously. I ask this every week. Why are Aces and Eights here? Who are they feuding with? What do they want? What happens if they win whatever they have to win? What do they have to win?

TO THE BACK. Tara and Big Brother dude look for Brooke Hogan and run into…Bully Ray on the couch with Brooke Hogan. If Bully fucks her over, he’s going to be the biggest babyface ever. Oh man. A dog barked right on camera. Wow.

TO THE BACK. Dixie Carter promo with a jump cut every few seconds. Deek just had a seizure. And started quacking. What a stupid fucking hat she’s wearing. Thanks for fucking up my friend. Fished on the boat.

Knockouts Battle Royal is in the ring. Mickie James had a large mass removed. And she’s back. She wins by eliminating Gail Kim, so that sets up…umm…I guess Tara vs. her. Again. Even though ODB is feuding with Tara.

TO THE BACK. James Storm and AJ Styles act like total women.

TO THE CLUBHOUSE. They tease kicking Doc out and then everyone celebrates. Male bonding. A feel good moment. These are the heels. The faces in the previous segment both acted like assholes. The heels act like people you want to be around.

Get ready to fly. AJ is, he is. Mike Tenay reached out to him and he wouldn’t return his phone calls. Maybe he finally played that Impact game that he claimed would be the best wrestling video game ever.

AJ comes out and whines about why he didn’t do well this year. Guess what? Nobody likes a failure. Right? You have three fucking kids, a good marriage and you’re in the high midcard of the number two promotion in the US. I think things are going pretty well. And God loves you, right? So maybe you should be thankful. This all sets up a “last time ever” match between Chris Daniels and AJ. TNA: If You Like This Match, You Better Like This Match.

TO THE BACK. Austin Aries. Siding. Talking.

NEXT WEEK: Open Fight Night. All the Gut Check guys come back.

TO THE BACK. Kurt tries to get Wes Brisco into Gut Check.

Main event time. Remember when I said I never wanted to watch Bobby Roooooooo fight James Storm again? I wasn’t kidding.
-Sam

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