GOD HELP US ALL: Sam reviews Chyna is QUEEN of the RING

This review is behind a cut. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Any movie that starts with this disclaimer is going to only get worse.

Chyna is in back all nonchalant and naked already, pouring herself into a horrible outfit. Evan Stone is Vincent K. McMacaroni and Lisa Ann is Stephanie McMacaroni. This enables Chyna to, for the first time, to cut a promo on Stephanie for stealing Triple H. I mean, they have a ton of kids now. Time to let it go and stop overdosing three times in three days (at a party, in the pool and at the front doors of a convention in case you care, and yes, she fainted. But come the fuck on. This is wrestling. And porn.).

They keep cutting to a crowd shot, but all it is is a curtain with lights and fog. To say this is low rent is to say that Vivid makes and has made shitty movies for a long time.

You know when retarded kids get into fights and say amazing shit that you wish you were there to record? Good news. They all grew up to be Chyna and someone did record it.

Her comebacks to fake Vince and Stephanie aren’t even intelligible, much less intelligent. She keeps waiting for pops that don’t come, because I don’t think anyone smartened her up. I think they told her that they invented a time machine that is powered by drugs and that she will be going back in time to the Attitude Era.

Holy shit. Fake Vince is setting up a Montreal Incident, making Chyna promise that she won’t make a guy jizz. I guess in the world that Chyna has slid into thanks to an arsenal of narcotics that only Billy Mays and Michael Jackson (and Steven Hirsch, obviously) can afford, you lose matches by coming. And they say that wrestling writers have a skewed take on human relations.

Here is where this porn gets wrong. Lisa Ann deserves better. And she isn’t wearing glasses.

Chyna demands that Vince, “Suck it.” And you thought only marks lived in the past. Let’s all keep in mind that Chyna has a vagina. I mean, she does, right?

Look, Evan Stone deserves this. He got to fuck Belladonna and Sasha Grey at the same time. His life isn’t going to get any better. Actually, watching this, it’s going to get much, much worse.

As much as I like Lisa Ann, her tits look like shit. Chyna’s look even worse. They should find out who actually is going to masturbate to this, because obviously they are the toughest people in the world. There’s a world of fucking porn out there and people are watching Chyna. We deserve to all die from God’s wrath right now. If I look outside the window, I expect that evil horse from the Denver Airport to be out there ready to murder me.

Man. I really will watch any celebrity suck a dick. I hope that Jeffrey Tambor never has a sex tape.

I’ve never seen a porn where more people just want to finger someone than eat them out. It’s like when I slept with that 23 year old a bunch of times and even went to Rite Aid, of all places, and bought a vibrator so I wouldn’t have to get anywhere near her. This experience is even worse than that.

Evan Stone has shitty tribal ink now, so obviously Chyna has to feel right at home.

Have I mentioned yet that this scene has thirteen minutes left?

Chyna has a new tattoo on her shoulder. It looks vaguely Native American. Just another reason for them to hate the white man.

Am I an asshole for letting you know how bad the camera work is? Should I even care about these things? It’s all medium shots. There’s no variety.

Alright. That’s definitely a mini cock. I forgot.

Chyna makes no noise. Everyone makes too much noise. It just gets weird. This scene is going on forever. But come on. Would you be able to come? I dare say no.

Chyna also has seam marks where her panty line should be. I have no idea what that means.

We end the scene with Vince busting on Chyna’s tit, making it look even more like a wax candle than it did before. And it already did.

We have two bouts. A jizzapalooza extravaganza. Whoever wins the first bout goes on to face two of the most legendary names in the world of wrestling.

Tommy Pistol is Mean Gene and he’s just reading off a piece of paper, so he has the indy announcing thing down. He just needs a can of corn, a mail order bride and a glass table. The other ring announcer is Valerie Kay and let’s just say that even though she is from America, English is not her first language.

That’s supposed to be Bret Hart. I bet Bret will have something to write about this. Actually, I bet he won’t. But if he did, he’d turn it into a 10 page diatribe about all the women he fucked while married to his gigantic cow of a wife who got all cunty with Hunter in Wrestling With Shadows, which is such an awesome scene.

As Bret himself wrote in the greatest book about wrestling ever written and also the best book ever written, his autobiography: I have never forgotten the blue-eyed mulatto with ringlets in her hair. Or the model who could play classical piano. Or the beautiful French dancer who pranced around my room like a cat. It’s hard for me to hate the memory of her panting phrases in my ear and me not understanding a word of it.

I learned from this video that Stu Hart had a gigantic cock. So it was all worth it.

Don’t worry. He can’t hear us using his spatula to pick up cat turds in heaven.

Razor Ramon. Bret Hart. What’s the difference?

And now…

Marco Banderas is the Iron Sheik. I am not gay enough to look up who played Bret. I’ve seen enough reviewing this. Cut me some slack.

TJ Cummings is John Cena. YOU CAN’T UNSEE HIM.

Sledge Hammer is the Rock.

No. Not Sledge Hammer!

No, not Sledgehammer.

Great dialogue: “What a keen sense of smell he has. He can smell pussy, yet there are only two ladies in the house tonight. Those two ladies are, indeed, getting fucked!” Yes. These guys have been to some wrestling shows. It’s unrealistic. There’d be three women. One in back running the lights, one taking tickets and the third sitting in the front row, disinterested and texting her friends who keep telling her to dump the guy already.

Cyrus King is Stone Cold. I would have gotten Buck Angel. You don’t know who Buck Angel is?

That’s Buck Angel. And that has a vagina. Why the fuck do I know that? Make no mistake: I am a sick, sick fucking person, people.

“Fuck chicks. Drink beer. Quote the Bible. This guy’s a mystery!” Seriously, if all this video was was dudes coming out and them making fun of wrestling, it would be awesome.

Ralph Long is Doink. Wearing a Los Payasos mask. The Psycho Circus has to be incensed.

Anthony Hardwood is Triple H. “He’s not supposed to be here tonight!” Someone used to watch Nitro, obviously.

Chyna comes out and the Iron Sheik is polite enough to get the ropes for her. She goes over and starts slapping around Doink. And yes, there is commentary throughout all of this.

In the words of Lovecraft, “Slowly but inexorably crawling upon my consciousness and rising above every other impression, came a dizzying fear of the unknown; a fear all the greater because I could not analyse it, and seeming to concern a stealthily approaching menace; not death, but some nameless, unheard-of thing inexpressibly more ghastly and abhorrent.”

You may ask yourself, “Do I want to see this movie?”

Well, do you want to see a whole bunch of dudes dressed up like wrestlers mouth fucking another dude while they alternately lazily stroke their cocks and stand uncomfortably close to one another?

If the answer is yes, well, have I got a porn for you!

Seriously, this movie has done the impossible: it has made professional wrestling gayer than it already is.

I ask: Why is Nacho Vidal not in this as Alberto Del Rio? I mean, Ricardo Rodriguez was in some porn scenes already as a bystander. Don’t believe me?

He was in some Brazzers films as an extra, too.

Nise John Cena just chopped Chyna in the tit, proving that he knows one more move than real John Cena. I was going to make a stiffer worker joke, but come on. Let’s give me some credit.

“Big tough Chyna? Dudes, everyone smack her face with your dicks.” Shit is looking like end of Night of the Living Dead here, people.

Do you think that Chyna will have a moment of clarity, as addicts call it, during this scene? Surrounded by porn versions of her former peers smacking her in the face with their penii while a man wears a clown suit? It’s actually really harrowing when you think about it.

By harrowing, maybe I mean awesome. No. No. I mean harrowing.

What I have learned from this video: people do not so much fuck Chyna as they get their sex organs near her and rub them on her frottage style in the vain hope that they can sexualize some part of her and trick their minds into letting them cum.

“I’m nasty. I’m Janet Jackson. You wanna come? I dare you. I dare you to do it. Who wants to come? You do?” Chyna’s actual dialogue, everyone.

I wish this had Howard Finkel in it. Bret Hart comes first and. Is. EEEEEEELLLLIMINATED.

How sad the realization that I could probably make the greatest Chyna porn ever.

Nise John Cena is now choking Chyna, again proving that he has more moves than real John Cena.

“I like it. I do like it. But it’s hard.” Seriously. Someone write dialogue for Chyna to poorly read.

At one point, a dude’s dick slips out of Chyna and she says, “Ah, shit.” If Maffew had any balls, that would be in the next Botchamania.

Why is fake John Cena working like such a heel?

Why am I even asking questions like this?

Why the fuck am I watching this?

You have to give Chyna credit. She likes licking and sucking balls. Ladies (who am I kidding, KINGDOM JAMES THEME BEGINS) and gentlemen, that is the worst compliment I will give for some time.

Mean Gene has enough and gets in the ring. Mean Gene likes choking. See? The stuff you learn.

Mean Gene is back in the booth. Where is the fucking continuity, I ask you?

I shit you not: Mean Gene comes back and drops a fucking elbow on Chyna while she is blowing Triple H. If the Wrestling Observer Awards were honest, that would be the Move of the Year. And the Bruiser Brody Brawler of the Year, too.

I don’t know if Tommy Pistol’s dick is small or Chyna’s clit is huge. I DON’T WANT TO KNOW.

Chyna then slaps Mean Gene right across he face and he takes a bump as his dick falls out of her. That really happened.

I wonder how long they shot to be able to get any of this footage. Because the footage that made it is fucking horrible. Chyna basically just rants and says crazy shit throughout. I can only barely think of what was left on the jizz-laden cutting room floor.

You know, for having such big muscles, Chyna has no body control at all. It’s actually kind of crazy. Of course, drugs.

And now, the obligatory cut to dudes jacking off and cumming. Stone Cold goes out second (you know you want to know the order and yes, that makes you gay).

The Iron Sheik is third and fuck porn Iron Sheik because he does not say one Sheik quote. The Rock is next as they say, “The cooking is done.” Then Cena hits a fucking geyser. Finally, Triple H is like TA-DOW and spits water out of his dick like that whole entrance. Chyna starts crying almost during this. Or maybe it’s because Mean Gene gets back in and randomly blasts her unannounced. She shoves him away and wins. I mean, if anyone wins.

No one wins.

Backstage, Captain Lou Albano fucks the ring girl. Who plays Captain Lou? Ron Jeremy. I’d rather watch the dessicated corpse of Captain Lou than the Hedgehog. Remember when he was all fat and gross and annoying in the 80s? Guess what? It’s nearly 30 years later. Go hang out with Vince Neil and both die in a 9 car pile-up.

I’ve done a lot of things for this site, but honestly. If I ever asked for something off Kickstarter (no thanks, I actually have a fucking job and don’t pass off posting on Facebook as my living), I would ask for money for doing this. This is cruel and inhuman. I assume that we don’t treat prisoners of war this bad by making them watch this.

I don’t know who is playing Hulk Hogan.

Alex Sanders is Ric Flair.

Too bad Marc Wallace was a piece of shit who gave everyone AIDS, because he could have played Triple H.

Wrestling boots are easy to find. So why is the Hulkster wearing high heels?

How sad is it that porn star Ric Flair looks better than real life Ric Flair?

The announcer keeps asking, “Where’s Chyna?”

She’s in back eating out a girl while Ron Jeremy prepares to rape my fucking brain.

Hey Ron. Yoshinari Ogawa wants his ring jacket back.

You know, when I started this site, I never dreamed that someday I would be watching Ron Jeremy get a blowjob from Chyna.

I actually listened to this song whole I watched Ron Jeremy have the worst bedspring squeaking sex with Chyna ever. I would rather watch every single one of my ex’s fuck their ruddy, bald, shitty tattoo having boyfriends and husbands than ever see this. Seriously. It’s like every woman I fall in love with ends up with dudes that look like Fred Durst became a Juggalo and liked people to pee on him. Fuck life, honestly.

Ron Jeremy starts making her count out loud. I have no idea why he does this. I can only hope there is a bomb in the room and he is using this to plan on when they will die.

Nope. He uses it to orgasm.

I’m going to go wash my eyes with cancer.

BUT WAIT. THERE’S MORE.

As you may know, I work on part of the site called Comics, Blah! Every week, Andy ignores the wrestling part of things and then just reviews comics. Sometimes, when something vaguely wrestling related happens, he makes fun of me and says that I will make a shitty comment. Or he says, WE’VE GOT CONTENT.”

WELL GUESS THE FUCK WHAT, ANDY?

WE’VE GOT CONTENT ABOUT COMICS, WRESTLING AND FUCKING.

That’s right. Chyna is also in The Avengers XXX as She-Hulk. You know, once, in a parallel world, Chyna could have left the WWE and became a legitimate actress and been in the actual She-Hulk if it was a real movie.

Well guess what? This video was the reality.

Oddly, Chyna has on the John Byrne era She-Hulk costume while Thor has on the movie costume. What about continuity? What the fuck does Oatu think about all of this?

They painted all of Chyna green. This does answer a question. She-Hulk’s vag is not green.

Porn Thor talks like Jack Kirby wrote him. And by that, I mean Thor era Kirby and not New Gods Kirby.

Thor keeps his cape on for fucking. Verily.

There’s nothing I can write that tops that. I hope you enjoyed this, everyone.
-Sam

4 thoughts on “GOD HELP US ALL: Sam reviews Chyna is QUEEN of the RING

  1. Holy shit, I just remembered that Chyna and Ron Jeremy were on a season of The Surreal Life together! And people think reality show relationships are a sham! Just like a true gentleman, Chyna took her time before trying to fuck her co-star.

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