An impromptu CTL gathering was held at a Hooter’s to watch Money in the Bank. Chris Wood had been trying to get me to go all day. I had the migraine of all migraines – who no sells Balls Mahoney chairshots…this guy, no shit – so I was feeling like staying home and being a bitch. Well, I got some gumption, huffed some Vicks and drove into the blinding sun to join Jake, Troy Lords, Chris Wood and a guy who lives in Glenny Lane to watch the PPV.
First off: I had to take a picture with some marks. Yes. It made me feel like a star, all wearing glasses, having a migraine yet sporting a fucking awesome Immortal standing in the ice shirt. You should go listen to lots of Immortal while you read this review. Fuck that. Watch this video, it’s ridiculous.
WORLD TITLE MONEY IN THE BANK MATCH:DOLPH ZIGGLER, DAMIEN SANDOW, SIN CARA, CHRISTIAN, CODY RHODES, TENSAI, TYSON KIDD AND SANTINO MARELLA
Holy shit, this match. It was like they told everyone on the way out, “Die or get fired.” Sin Cara and Dolph, in particular, took this to heart. Tensai was like, fuck everyone. He threw Zig far as fuck over a table so that he landed upside down on a chair. People in Hooter’s were legit losing their minds over this match, our table included.
Andy texted me and said that it was the worst Money in the Bank ever. I think our time on this web site has proved that no matter what the consensus is, Andy must not be on the same side. This match wore everyone out. Man. Santino being afraid of heights. Christian doing cool shit. Ziggler wanted to be like his hero, Mr. Perfect, and die. It was all that. I could have just left after this match, spent and satisfied. But no. I soldiered on.
The Miz is back and just added himself to the Money in the Bank main event. How did he get this power? Is this TNA? Where is Vince Russo? Why did some people pop for the Miz?
SHEAMUS VS. ALBERTO DEL RIO FOR THE WORLD TITLE
Alberto did a clean job, but everyone started chanting for Ziggler like it was a bar that Scotty Metro was bartending. By the way…if you wonder what two studs like Scotty and Sam do on a Saturday night, well, we’re pretty much like Hakkan Serbes and Nacho Vidal double teaming Daniella Rush in Face Dance. By that, I mean, we have entire conversations like this:
Everyone forgot something. Ziggler is basically a babyface who must do jobs and go against the odds. He’s the heel, of course, but no one knows how to book any more.
TITUS O’NEAL & DARREN YOUNG VS. PRIMO & EPICO
No one cared about this match, which followed traditional Southern booking: black people can only team or feud, never be integrated.
The one pop the entire match was when they threw water at Abraham Washington and R Truth held back Little Jimmy. That was all.
C.M. PUNK VS. DANIEL BRYAN
It was amazing, if Hooter’s is a microcosm, that this match did not get over at all except with 2 tables of marks, including one that kept running around the entire restaurant chanting YES! YES! YES! Obviously, someone kept asking, “Are you a virgin?” Easy joke. Fat fuck.
This was a good match but would have been better ten minutes shorter. Some nice weapons stuff and it went to a good finish. No real complaints. I will say that the entire restaurant was more packed than it has been for a PPV in years, so I was shocked how dead everyone was for this match.
RYBACK VS. CURT HAWKINS & TYLER REKS
I think that Ryback should be an evil marching band guy, explaining that’s why he walks like that. He can be managed by Archibald Peck, who is the evil drum major, and they finally turn against a world that maligns them as band geeks. Fuck, have a flag girl and several other people. See? I make angles.
Oh, the match? Yeah. No one – ever – wants to see monsters sell. Make it fast.
LAYLA & KAITLYN & TAMINA SNUKA VS. BETH PHOENIX & NATALYA & EVE TORRES
Kris texted me to let me know that Tamina has really long arms.
JOHN CENA VS. BIG SHOW VS. THE MIZ VS. KANE VS. CHRIS JERICHO MONEY IN THE BANK MATCH
This was fine, except that the Big Show ladder was awesome. I also yelled FUCK PSYCHOLOGY really loud at one point. But fuck it. It delivered and most of the matches were good. I also copy/pasted the match write-ups from the Observer site, in case you give a shit, because I didn’t want to type up every single person in every single match. Sorry about being lazy.
Hey fan – you can come to a CTL party someday. You might get to see Jake shuck oysters!
That bucket there? THAT WAS THE HALF ORDER.
Plus, those brothers? They didn’t pop for jack shit. But they watched that shit and intimidated lots of smart marks. I’m so glad they were there.
Also: Hooter’s automatically adds a top on for PPVs. I guess wrestling people suck and don’t tip. Noah taught me: always tip good.
Hooter’s should learn one thing, though. Follow the rules of strip clubs. Never, ever turn up the lights. Good Lord, what hath woman wrought? Keep the soft lighting on the ladies, please.