We got together at 2 PM. By 4 PM, several of us were in the kind of shape you need to be in to experience the granddaddy of them all. We started the day with some 1990s AAA (and learned that Rey Mysterio Jr. used to come out to “Respect” by Erasure, which blew my mind) and some Botchamania.
Seriously – the Wrestlemania Botchamanias are Maffew’s finest work. Check this one out, it made people nearly weep in happiness:
There was a lot of betting. A lot. That’s how you make PPVs more exciting. So let’s get right to it, why don’t we?
WWE tag title match: The Usos vs. “Faggot Werewolf” Justin Gabriel/”Gone By May” (I wanted to make the Fugee’s joke, “Gone ‘Til November,” but come on) Tyson Kidd vs. The Colons
Let’s be honest. We didn’t even know when this match was on. Everyone but Noah, Sam and the Blue Dragon picked the Colons. To be more honest, Jeff said, “Give me the the Puerto Ricans.” We assume he meant the Colons and was not thinking that Los Boricuas were doing a run-in.
We bet on whether they’d do America the Beautiful or Star Spangled Banner. Nearly everyone picked America. Only Wood and Ryan guessed that Lillian Garcia would sing it.
Throughout, I will share Tweets from the evening:
@countinglights Right now, Wood and Ryan are in the lead with 3 correct bets: The Colons won, America the Beautiful and Lillian Garcia sang it.
WWE title: Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan
Remember: Wrestlemania is not for the smart fans. If you can accept this, you will enjoy the show. If you don’t, you will hate the show.
@countinglights Brian and Noah have already argued. WrestleMania is not for the smart fans. #pouting
@countinglights Wood and Ryan are tied with 4 points as Sheamus wins in around 2 seconds. #theghostofsdjones
We bet on match order. Keep that in mind.
@countinglights Everyone missed the match order question, as WrestleMania starts with Dan Bryan vs. Sheamus.
@countinglights Noah: “It’s not Sheamus’ fault that Dan Byan wasn’t looking at the hard cam for the Brogue Kick.”
TO THE BACK. Team Johnny had gathered.
@countinglights Sam: One Bella is on one team. One is on the other. Noah: THAT’S NOT FAIR.
@countinglights Noah: Is Jack Swagger a bobblehead? Look who it is! Ryan: David Otunga? Noah: The Otunga Kid! Ryan: I will not call him that.
Randy Orton vs. Kane
The Rapex Predator lost clean in the middle from a top rope chokeslam. I would make the Eleanor Rigby joke here, but it’s too good for this match. For those keeping score, yes, Randy did go to that rapey place where only he can hear the voices. Noah said vintage 298 times during this match.
TO THE BACK. The Deadliest Catch guy was with Mick Foley.
@countinglights Are you really a celebrity when Jake is the only guy in the world who knows who you are? #deadliestcatch
IC TITLE: Cody Rhodes vs. Big Show
This was, well, what it was. Big Show won with the biggest nut shot ever. A totally penis destroying shot that made Cody’s godfather Magnum TA say, “That’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen.” And that dude saw a telephone pole come at his face at 96 MPH. He also came on a man like no man has ever came on a man before.
Speaking of men…
Beth and Eve vs. Maria and Kelly Kelly
Maria was a pro here, working with hurt ribs. She should have come out all taped like Bruno in the 1970s. It was what it was. Which is: a chance for Ryan and Noah to argue over Beth’s hotness or lack of.
@countinglights What do Metallica and WWE have in common? Everyone great is already dead.
Shawn came out to do a promo, one eye all eye gooked and the other, well, his sideburns looked like shit. At least he didn’t wear short shorts to ref.
Undertaker vs. Triple H
Dave Meltzer called this: Absolutely super match going 30:00 plus.
Many of us did not feel that way.
It was alright. I mean, if you go all year and have one match, your one match better be fucking awesome. Also: these guys get all the gimmicks, can hardway and do whatever they want. So they better get 6 stars, not 5.
The story of the match was Shawn and the sledgehammer. I played some Peter Gabriel, comically around a minute off, which added a star to this match. Shawn hit a superkick on Taker, cried, and this was never really discussed.
Mirror friend, mirror foe/dark Community universe Jim Ross called this match, good gawd ahmighty.
All the HOF guys came out and everyone hugged and talked amongst one another. Except Mil Mascaras, who was Mil and stood by himself. Awesome. I wish he would have old man crossbodied someone.
Flo Rida punked out the one man rock band.
@countingthelights Noah: Oh, they say Flo-Ride like Florida. #ohigetitvachyna #howardsaysturnitup
It’s time for…
Team Johnny vs. Team Teddy
@countinglights One would think Johnny Ace should be the flagbearer for his team.
Dirk Ziggler took a 450 monkey flip. Eve screwed everything up and Zack Ryder got pinned by the Miz. This match was better than it should have been and Kofi did not kill anyone. After the match, Eve punted Zakk’s balls as if she were in a femdom video.
WWE TITLE: CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho
Everyone you would expect to like this liked it. Those that you would expect to hate it cleaned their kitchen up during it. Punk won clean in the middle and that was that.
Wow. This Wrestlemania, up until now, is not very good.
John Cena vs. The Rock
Why would John Cena lose this match? That’s a really good question. Well, he did and people were happy live. Rock looked tired, almost to the point we thought he would puke (much like the real main event that aired right after the PPV). I’m certain that when we read about this show in Figure 4 and the Observer, dudes are going to be throwing snowflakes all over the place.
The truth is: we were pretty bored. And most of the posts I read on Facebook hated this show.
As for the betting, here’s how it finished:
Lee wins the $35 pot. The match order question screwed nearly everyone up.
We didn’t hate it, but…it was $75. That said: the Manwich Noah made? Exquisite like knife torture. Desiree brought John Cena Fruity Pebbles cupcakes. And Chris Wood smoked some meat…pause. We had eggs. We had potatoes. We though we were rich.