What makes a PPV party even better? Drugs? Betting? Bloody Marys? Well, yes, all these things. But also when someone makes cupcakes with our logo on them, it gets awesome. The lovely Desiree Gonzales made these awesome CTL chocolate peanut butter cupcakes. She has a whole web site about making cupcakes and cookies, which as a guy reading a wrestling site, you might not be thinking would interest you. You’d be wrong. It’s an awesome site. And Sam even drew the banner for it. Check it out at: slackercakes.wordpress.com
Anyways. Royal Rumble. The PPV you can’t fuck up. Yeah, you’d think.
We had a full house and most importantly, money was on the line. It was $5 a number, with the first person tossed getting their money back. That meant $145 was on the line, an all-time record.
And when it was all said and done, the jobbiest, crappiest Rumble ever ended up as the best one for…
Sam Panico of West Mifflin, PA was the big winner!
Also, please note: Noah’s lens is not dirty. It really was that smoky in the room.
This year’s Rumble was all about star power. No, not the actual one. The people betting. Jason Gory, Chest Flexor, Michael Façade, Troy Lords, Chris Maverick…all the local indy stars came out to lose money. And lose money they did!
Also, there was prop sheet betting, with $5 getting you into the betting pool. We’ll go over them as we review the matches:
Daniel Bryan vs. Mark Henry vs. Big Show
Everyone but Lee picked Daniel Bryan, as Lee picked Big Show. Well, he was big wrong. This match was…fuck, the world title was the curtain jerker. That should have set the tone for the PPV.
Beth’s team vs. Kelly Kelly’s team
Only Sam and Lee took the heels to go over here. This match was mainly a chance for Noah and Ryan to make gay jokes at one another, many of which were captured on our Twitter feed.
Drew McIntyre vs. Brodus Clay
The same people saying, “Drew deserves better,” were the same people burying him a year ago. No one is ever happy. Well, at least this was short. Brodus was picked across the board.
CM Punk vs. Dirk Ziggler
Lee, Deek, Howard and Ryan picked Punk to win, obviously saying “fuck logical booking.” And they were right. Months of the Johnny Ace angle paid off with absolutely nothing. Congratulations! We just paid $59.99 in HD to tune in to Raw for free the next day!
John Cena vs. Kane
Guess who won here? Nobody. The match ended in a countout. Also, we should add a prop bet over/under on commercials we are forced to watch. Some of the video packages were longer than the matches. And better, sometimes.
The Rumble itself
the announcers getting in spot was cute, if this had 40 people. With the main event of WrestleMania already decided, this entire affair had the smell of no one caring. But we did. We had bets.
Who will be #30?
No one got this right, as most guessed Orton, Jericho or Triple H. The Big Show was the correct answer.
Who will be the magic number, #27?
That number is no longer magic, as David Otunga got it and got thrown out.
Who will be the first person eliminated?
Lee was right on, picking Alex Riley.
Who will last the shortest?
Nearly everyone picked Santino. It was not him. It was Primo.
Who lasts the longest?
Miz was the winner, as was Jake, Wood, Sam, Howard and Mav.
What legend will return?
Jake, Wood, Noah, Howard and Deek picked Hacksaw and they were right. Sam said Batista, hoping for the machine guns on the ramp. Others said Road Warrior Joe.
Who will have the most eliminations?
Everyone was off here, with Cody Rhodes and Big Show tied at 4.
Will Howard Finkle show up?
Sam, Howard and Ryan said no and their negativity paid off.
Will Cody Rhodes and Golddust do a spot together?
Sam was the only person who said no. Nothing new was built out of the Rumble, to be honest. And Jericho’s world changer was him getting knocked out of the ring by Sheamus.
Overall most impressive?
We gave it to Kofi for his handstand walk, which was totally awesome. No one won for this.
Who will win the Rumble?
Orton and Jericho were the most answered, but no one guessed Sheamus.
Chris Wood won $5 back when Alex Riley was tossed first. But the prop bet winners?
It was a tie between Howard and Sam. That’s right. Sam won $165. But everyone was a winner, as Noah cooked over 6 pounds of Manwich, made Bloody Marys with the new Southern Comfort Pepper and Tito’s Handmade Vodka (not both at the same time, we’re not fucking animals) and we watched Ra Ka King (which sucked), Botchamania (which did not suck) and an AIW show which defied belief. You’re gonna have to check out the podcast we post later for that, but suffice to say we wish we were recording everyone’s reactions, because people loved this match so much, they had stigmata on their hands.
But as for Rumble? A complete let-down and it starts what the kids called WrestleMania season off with the taste of poop in our gullets. We should be used to that kind of disappointment by now, being wrestling fans, right?