So last week I took the creative minions to task for just up and unmasking CM Punk with no build, no eyes toward a money PPV match, no nothing. Just blamo! Unmasked. Well, according to the Observer, it was by plan so they could just get rid of the damn mask and not have to program Punk into some sort of pesky match that gets build and draws fan interest. My bad. I totally see the logic in that.
This week, they did it again. Luke Gallows was supposed to face the Big Show, the guy who unmasked Punk. Yet it was a clever ruse! Instead Punk inserted the Masked Guy into the match instead, who was just up and unmasked like that. They got to work on getting some better masks, these guys. Todd Grisham and the fucking Teacher were like, “Hey everyone, it’s Joey Mercury! He used to work here!” Uh, what a dud this was. I mean, it’s not like last week’s thing because no one’s paying shit to see Mercury. But it’s another example of WWE creative (or more likely Vince McMahon) thinking you’re really fucking stupid and can’t handle having multiple masked guys on a roster without you getting them all confused. You know, it’s a bitch telling Rey Jr. and Punk apart with those damn hoods on their heads. And can you imagine if Alberto Del Esse Rios HAD come in as Dos Caras and had the mask?! Pandemonium, I tell you! Who’s who? What’s up? What’s down? Can you imagine if Epico and Hunico get called up? It’ll be a living nightmare. Or they’ll just be unmasked.
I foresee a “best of luck in your future endeavors” for Mr. Mercury this week or so, by the way.
So there was that, and then there was the stuff with Kane, your new world champ. I don’t really have a problem with this because that fucker’s been around for so long, done all this ridiculous shit, and suddenly started to put forth some of the most inspired work he’s done in some time the past few months. The guy deserves this. But I don’t see him or his reign being even a minor reason why people buy Summerslam (that would be the Nexus vs. Cena’s crew as your drawing card). No offense, but I just don’t see it. Had Undertaker been ready for Summerslam and came back to face Kane for the belt, yeah, people would have bought that. But I won’t hold that against him. He cut an opening promo (with that wacky horror movie music in the background, which is cheesy as all fuck) that actually sounded good. I bought into it, and he’s been really strong on the stick as of late. He promised to kill whatever fucker beat up Taker (which probably will still end up being Kane, though this is the perfect spot to build a new monster heel … which means it’ll end up being Kane for sure) and it was pretty certain he’d somehow work his way into our main event, a Jack Swagger/Rey Jr. best of three falls match. Can you imagine them booking something like this on Raw? Haw haw. Too Southern. Or something.
The Swagger/Rey match wasn’t too bad. Too bad they’ve really fucked with Swagger, because he should be a sure-fire top guy now, and he’s just kind of there instead. Swagger got DQ’d on the first fall when he refused to release the ankle lock after Rey made it to the ropes, so it’s 1-0 Rey. Eventually, Swagger did catch Rey in the middle of the ring and made him tap quickly to the ankle lock, making it 1-1. Man, imagine how fucked Swagger’s gimmick will be if Kurt Angle comes back. Of course, they also probably would have a strong program too. Yeah, so Rey, who actually remembered to sell the ankle (note to John Cena), won the thing with some flippy shit roll-up to get the win, 2 falls to 1. After the match, Swagger attacked Rey again, only to have Kane come to the rescue. Kane raised Rey’s hand instead of eating him, and so the match is on for Summerslam. Had someone told you last year at this time that one of the main events for this year’s Summerslam would be Rey vs. Kane for the title, wouldn’t you be a little worried?
I just realized, had they not totally fucked him up (and subsequently released him), Mike Knox would have been a good choice as Undertaker’s attacker. Would have made perfect sense character-wise.
Other shit! Looks like Dolph Ziggler will be getting an IC title program with Kofi Kingston, whose new ring gear is McDonald’s red and yellow. Ziggler won via sleeper after Vickie Guerrero interfered to end what was a bit of a disappointing match. That aside, I like this feud idea, and it looks like this could end up on Summerslam, or perhaps Night of Champions in September. Or maybe Survivor Series. Or whenever they get around to it.
Both of Del Rio’s taped promo were so fucking long. That’s the only negative going with these right now is they’re just too damn long. Still, good idea to bring these back. The next ones will be to build A.J. Lee, Ric Flair’s latest … wait, sorry, she’s a lady. See, can’t keep her and A.J. Styles apart. Too dumb, I guess. No, but WWE wants to wait until Del Rio’s promos run their course before hers begin. Probably wise. We’re all too stupid to keep them apart. I mean, a tall Mexican and a small lady? I’d have them mixed up within seconds.
Also, we might be getting a Matt Hardy/Christian feud, we might not. They tagged up and lost to Drew McIntyre and Cody Rhodes, a natural pairing if there ever was one. Oh, they did have an ultra-gay taped promo for Cody, so now I have him, Del Rio and that girl all confused. How am I supposed to keep this straight?! Yeah, Hardy accidentally hit Christian then fucking ate a kick from McIntyre to lose. There was peace this week between Hardy and Christian, but who knows where this is going? My guess is creative doesn’t even know. Maybe they’ll come back under masks.
OK, it’s time to go spend money and drink heavily. This week’s report was brought to you by Blood Revolt’s “Indoctrine,” possibly one of the most confusing albums of all time. It sounds like a total fucking mess, yet it’s awesome. Go get it when it comes out. And happy birthday to Sam, who I imagine will be in top fucking form when CTL does a mammoth taping in the hell box (that I hear now has A/C).
– Brian