Royal Rumble

First off, hello everyone out there that checks this site every once in awhile hoping that someone writes something. That some time is now.

I’ve seen a lot of people upset about the Royal Rumble. Keep in mind, Vince’s DNA is made of the fact that his father already had Superstar Billy Graham’s loss to Bob Backlund programmed before Superstar even won the belt. The McMahons make a decision, stick with it and say, “fuck you” every time you second guess it. I think if the internet and Twitter had been around in 1984, people would have hated Corporal Kirschner and been vocal about it. Oh, they did and they were? But seriously, this is what they want to present and if you don’t like it, stop buying their dolls and video games and $9.99 a month. It’s the only way they’ll ever get the message.

A lot of people are upset about Dan Bryan going out so soon. Look, Vince McMahon only gets an erection these days based on the collective tears of fat kids, so keep on crying, he’s nearly finished.

Always keep in mind: this is the company that had a Guerrero dress up as a chicken, set up a Steamboat vs. Savage rematch in the Wrestlemania 4 tourney and put Greg Valentine over Steamboat and squashed the Radicals their first week in. Also: the entire Invasion angle. If you’re just hip to the “WWE doesn’t listen to their fans,” that’s like an abusive wife just realizing that her husband has only been hitting her for a few weeks, not a few years. They’ve never listened to their fans, except a few times, and they’ll never forget all the times they did listen to you, WWE Universe.

Other than that, Mr. Lincoln, how did you like getting murdered?

There was a New Day vs. Adam Rose, Tyson Kidd and Cesaro opener that everyone kind of watched. Remember when Cesaro won that Andre trophy? Well, there’s a figure coming out with it if you do care to remember. This match was 6 guys who won’t be here for long and a chance for indy guys to talk about that time they worked for New York, albeit as a Rosebud. During this match I said, “I bet the Rosebuds catch Adam Rose and drop him and catch Kofi instead.” I was pretty much half right. Which more right than I am most of the time.

The Rumble is all about betting, y’all. This year, prop bets galore. This match was 7-3 Cesaro’s team, so everyone did alright.

New Age Outlaws vs. Ascension was a match I missed as I typed up brackets. Why they did that angle Monday where they buried these guys when they were going up here makes me wonder what I always do: Who was the heel? Who was the face? Who the fuck cares? 8-2 Ascension here. Note: When you do a devil/evil gimmick and I don’t give a fuck about you, you’re doing something wrong. Bring back the New Church. Oh, wait, that was TNA. Note: I finally watched the new TNA. Spoiler: TNA is what drove me away from this site. Their new TV? Even worse, if that’s a thing.

Usos vs. Mizdow: We had it 7-3 Usos and this match was pretty much a squash. My wife loves the Miz, as she loves MTV reality shows, and she hates the Mizdow gimmick. I said, “Wrestling fans like it,” to which she just stares at me in the way that silently says, “Sam, wrestling fans are fucking stupid.” She is right.

Bellas vs. Paige/Natalya: They didn’t even get a story started. They just ended. 8-2 Bellas. I asked Noah, “Who do you want to win?” Noah said, “When you bet on the Rumble, always go with your heart.” One of the Bellas fucks John Cena and wears Nikes. So yeah. You know where Noah’s heart was.

Brock Lesnar vs. Seth Rollins vs. John Cena: This match was awesome. One of our friends was there live while we watched her dog, who wears a diaper so he looks like Dennis the Menace’s dog cosplaying as Yokozuna. She said that live, everyone thought Lesnar was really hurt, which took away from the enjoyment of the match. My personal enjoyment was seeing Lesnar play sleeping Misawa, then come in and legit rape Seth Rollins with a german suplex. This felt like a WWE2K15 match, where I’m controlling Lesnar, Ryan is Seth and Noah is Cena and has no idea who Seth Rollins is. I fell asleep after the table spot, but then came in and used all my specials and everyone ended up mad that I won. Except we weren’t and the right guy won for Mania. Not to be a mark, but it’d be hilarious if the Mania main event was a one way squash like that Cena match that should have meant something and didn’t and that’s where all this felt like it went off the rails. At some point, someone is going to post a picture of Seth Rollins and say, “Indy wrestling matters.” Well, Brian won $45 on the prop bets, which is a bigger payoff that most indy guys will make from now until March, so fuck you.

Rumble, my favorite match of the year. The match that has shown me the highs (Demolition fighting, the entire Rumble Flair won, random dudes dying on eliminations) and the lows (everything else plus Drew Carrey). Everyone was off on the first guy, figuring Ziggler would be in it for the entire show, overselling for everyone and generally being fake as fuck, but they were wrong. He came in at #30 and oversold for everyone and was generally fake as fuck.

I asked everyone who would have the magic number. Everyone answered with a number, not understanding that #27 is the magic number. I drew said magic number in our pool. I got Wade Barrett. WWE has obviously given up on the magic number.

Rusev threw out the most people, as he should. He also disappeared at the end and everyone was like, Rusev is the great Russian hope to beat up that Samoan guy we all decided that we hate. Guess what, I hated him in NXT before he was even Roman Reigns, which makes me the fattest, stupidest mark of them all! That said – nope. Rusev got tossed right onto the post show, where he got in a fight with John Cena and asked him if he could have the honor of putting him over on the biggest stage of them all, the Tokyo Dome…err, WrestleMania.

DDP came back. Bubba Ray came back. Yes, a year of TNA where he got one over on Hogan, ran Aces and Eights, came back as a face and here we are, he’s back all covered up and wearing glasses while 1100 mutants who once huddled for warmth in a shitty building all chanted their hearts out. Wrestling matters. Sure it does. Anyways, I like Bubba or Bully or whatever. I enjoyed his little comeback and that is that.

Bray Wyatt tossed a bunch of people. I was kind of hoping his dad would come out when he did the open challenge, but you know. The whole Wyatt Family reunion was sloppy. But he was in awhile and was unceremoniously dumped.

Dan Bryan. You can take the indy out of…actually you can’t. The dude still got a dive in during a battle royal. That’s like doing a submission in a battle royal. Or a giant swing. Yeah, that happened too.

Anyways, Adam had Roman, so he won a lot of money. More than we can legally list without Mike Rotundo getting his giant schnozz into out business.

Did the right guy win? Who can say. The internet has all gotten together and decided that they love Betty White, hate Roman Reigns and enjoy masturbation. They’re not changing their minds. They want Dan Bryan on top. Vince doesn’t, as he has proven for the last year or two.

Noah actually had Dan Bryan’s number and thought, for a moment, that he might win. When he was thrown out, he said, “Now I know how the rest of internet fans have felt.”
-Sam

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