Fuck me, it’s the holidays, which means I worked like crazy and missed TNA for three weeks. Which means my gift to you is going through hell. I hope you appreciate it.
The show starts with AJ Styles, who everything is built around, and yes, he does not have a contract. Everyone thinks he’s signed and if TNA meant anything, he’d be in WWE. As it is, Mojo Rawley means more than anyone in TNA. So there you go, wrestling in 2013.
PS: Rockstar Spud is lost somewhere in Georgia.
Jeremy Borash comes out to present an icon moment in TNA: the Feast or Fired briefcase. Everyone is all like, “Meh,” then Kurt/Angle comes out all Mt. Lebo, then Bobby Roo comes out all pissed, and people go, “Boo,” and then blah blah blah indy angle vanilla you suck shouting on the mic mouth full of spit physically and most importantly beat you down bullshit. Let’s just go to Slapshots and drink until Kurt drives us home into a wall again.
Anyway, this all leads to a best out of three falls match tonight, so if you wanted to see that, you should go back in time and watch it. Unless you already saw it.
TNA: Home of the Pull Apart.
TNA: Home of Kurt/Angle Yelling At People.
TNA: Home of Bobby Roo Blown Up on the Mic.
Oh fuck, fix your time machine, because that match is happening next week. And by that, I mean December 19. For me, that’s eight days ago. Time distortion is happening.
Joseph Park doesn’t exist. He wasn’t even a lawyer. He was always Abyss. Explain that one for a No Prize.
This all leads to a match between the superfluous Eric Young and Joseph Park against Bad Influence. Park pins Kaz for the win after going Abyss, so you could argue that this feud is over. But if that’s your argument, you’ve never watched TNA before. Also: Eric Young is the one who got color on Joe Park. So…why doesn’t Joe Park just start every match bloody? Logic in wrestling. Catch the fucking fever.
EC3 had a segment, but Sting came out and said that he should be in Feast or Fired. And that should have been that, but this being TNA, it went a bit longer than that.
Rockstar Spud is still hunting for AJ. Where did they send AJ’s paychecks? Here’s an idea: Google Map that address and wait for him. Or send lawyers. Or the normal things people in the real world would do.
Things I don’t want to do: Listen to Jeff Hardy talk about anything. At all. Jesus, dude made Marty Jannetty sound coherent. I wonder if he got Matt another frozen fish for Christmas?
Madison Reign is still around and a face, as she came back and helped ODB against Lei’D Tapa and Gail Kim. She has different hair, so no one knew her at first.
Rockstar Spud is looking for AJ Styles in a bar and sang a Sex Pistols song. At least he lives his gimmick and knows a punk song or one.
Seriously. Who the fuck wants to see this?
Gunnar and James Storm have heat, but neither wants to admit it. They should just pound salt. Or each other.
Dixie was mad that Kurt/Angle destroyed the Wheel of Dixie earlier. I forgot that. Or fast forwarded past it. Sorry. This led to her calling out Magnus and Jeff and making both an offer to sell out.
More Rockstar Spud, as he broke into AJ’s house. The old, “We can do this the easy way or the hard way line,” was used and Spud was sent running.
TO THE BACK. Ken Anderson is getting serious. Like Jane.
Austin Aries won the X Division belt. The finish was straight out of someone’s girlfriend managing them in a shitty, cold, freezing indy where everyone gets paid ten bucks. Which, other than this being in Florida, is TNA. Also, Kenny Powers needs to talk to Velvet about how she dresses.
In the third, yes, the third match of the night, there was a Feast or Fired match. Bully took out Anderson before the match, then threatened his wife and fetuses. Fetii? Does anyone, anyone at all, want to see that match?
I mean, this match: there are those jobber kids in here and I look better cosmetically than them. But who knows, maybe people like them. Do they? No, I don’t think they do. I am typing to myself here.
EC3 got the first case. We can only hope he gets fired. I doubt it.
Zema got the second case and Taz made the horn noise.
Holy shit, this match was the Austin Aries show. Dude hit like thirty moves in a row. If this was a video game, Ryan would have walked out by now.
Chavo got the third case when Hernandez helped him.
Gunnar stepped over his own partner to get the final case.
And then, they showed Dixie’s VIP suite, with Jeff Hardy coming for some wine.
This show is billed as Final Resolution. We can only dream that the title is true.
It starts with an AJ Styles video. Smart. I love pushing a guy not under contract. That’s never been fucked over for TNA before.
Magnus is walking. Magnus is talking. Jeff Hardy is being all weird.
Kurt/Angle and Bobby Roo have their blow off, which ends in a third fall where the ref misses Roo using the ropes. Kurt chokes back tears in the locker room and says that the holidays are coming up, which is a total Pittsburgh thing to say.
Throughout the show, they keep showing everyone getting ready for Feast or Fired, with EC3 being all upset that he may get fired. They dubbed in Dixie’s voice in what I can only assume was iMovie, because it came off as unprofessional as running angles on shows hundreds of miles away with no TV. Read that as this. Like an indy promotion.
Eric Young gave all sorts of gimmicks to Joseph Park for their Monster’s Ball match.
One hour. One match. TNA everybody.
Feast or Fired reveal: Zema gets an X Division shot, Gunner gets a World Title shot, EC3 gets a tag title shot and Chavo gets fired. We all win.
Madison and ODB won over Gail and La Sobrina del Barbarian, setting up Madison as the top contender to Gail. Why didn’t this come out of Gail’s challenges to any woman not in TNA? Great question, huh?
Jeff Hardy vs. Magnus: The last bump of this match was Jeff Hardy landing on his head on a metal ramp.
Let me quote from Matt Hardy himself:
“I’d like to share a Christmas story with you. On Christmas Day, myself and some friends met at my house to exchange gifts and hang out. We started this process at about 9 p.m., and I know this may be shocking, but the punctual Jeff Hardy showed up at about 2 a.m. I gave Jeff his gifts, and he gave me his, and said he had a special gift for me as well. Jeff made me open the gift in a certain way, so that I would see the writing on the top of the box first. The box said, “The true Version One, the eternal Mattitude Follower, frozen until one day brought back.” So my first guess was that it was some kind of gimmicky doll or action figure. I opened the box, and much to my surprise, there was a nine pound, fourteen inch long fish. The fish was frozen, had been beheaded and cleaned, and smelled terrible. In magic marker, Jeff had written “Mattitude Follower, Version One MFer,” on the actual fish. Jeff had the fish wrapped for two days, and said it was probably spoiled. Needless to say, it got quite the reaction from the crowd. Well, that’s my brother, the uncanny Jeff Hardy. For those of you who ask why he gave me a bloody, spoiled fish for Christmas-good question. He’s been leaving me with unanswerable questions for years.”
Anyway, after that bump, Magnus wins. But fuck, dude. For TNA, you’re going to bump on your head on a metal stage? I think I’ll stick with advertising.
Magnus is your champ and EC3 already has heat with him, even though he will be on the same side as him.
The ghost of Russo looms over all. In everything they do.
Rockstar Spud brings out Dixie Carter to start the show. Let me sum it up in a run-on sentence, as I do so often: major announcement Jeff Hardy Spud hides slaps Jeff who chases him EC3 Sting comes out tag match set up.
Enough? Nope. Second commercial break and Dixie is still there. She starts to talk, but Gunner comes out to cash in his Money in the Bank Feast or Fired briefcase, but James Storm comes out all jilted lover and blames him for Bobby Roo attacking him in the bar. Remember that? Fuck no, no one remembers that. This leads to a match and that leads to a count out and fuck, I said it before, I’ll say it again, just butt blast one another and let’s move on.
Brooke got dumped by Bully Ray in front of, well, a few thousand fat kids. New Bully Ray character: creepy dude who is mad his grandma didn’t get him the gift he wanted for Christmas.
Monster’s Ball: Bad Influence vs. Joseph Park is a match filled with Park getting his ass kicked without bleeding, which is a nice psychology to the match. Eric Young came out to help, but got his ass kicked, which I totally enjoyed, but it backfired when a cane shot hit Joe Park, who went Abyss and that’s that.
Throughout the show, Sting tried to get Jeff Hardy fired up and Magnus talked about his career and why he is with Dixie Carter. Just wanted to fill you in on that.
Lei’D and ODB have a match, Gail gets involved, that is that.
Chris Sabin and Velvet Sky talk IN THE BACK. There’s only two things that Velvet Sky is worse at than being a babyface. Being an actress and picking out clothes.
Sting and Jeff Hardy now face the Bro Mans, Rockstar Spud and EC3. Zema does a good job introducing the Bro Mans. Good heat there. This was pretty much Hardy not being into it, Sting making a big comeback and getting rolled up out of nowhere. EC3 gets a win over Sting, if that means anything any more.
Hardy then told Sting that he couldn’t be in TNA any more, that he just couldn’t take it. So he quit.
The babyface couldn’t take it and quit.
You know, in these days of creative control and knowing history, why would you go along with that?
Cornette got heat with Samoa Joe this week by saying that he isn’t was marketable as he was in ROH.
Guys that no one saw on national TV are worth less after being in TNA for the most part. Other than Bully Ray, what major star has come out of being there and meant anything?
This is also the company that built these three weeks of TV around a guy they had to have a pretty good shot on not resigning.
I mean, even Jeff Jarrett quit this week.
I don’t know. Wrestling has never been in shittier shape than it is now. As much fun of TNA as I make, I want it to succeed. I want it to be healthy. But it has never been and I fear that it will never be.
It’s just sad.