TNA Impact: Destination X

They start the show off with 9 X Division guys standing there looking surly, then Chris Sabin getting ready in the back. Then, we see a video with finger picking guitar, as a scary voice speaks to us as if we were Chris Sabin. Chris Sabin, a guy who has not been important at all in TNA over the last year. The guy now in the main event against Bully Ray. Alright.

Ad nauseum, you can list TNA’s problems. Here’s the biggest one: it costs $600,000 a week to do TV on the road. Yet, they still do. And they lost their spot in the Impact Zone, which I guess you could say is not even the Impact Zone any more. Dudes aren’t even getting called when it comes to renew their contract. Taz didn’t even bother to show up. Yes, TNA seems like the biggest indy mess ever that pays it’s guys more than $5 and a hot dog.

Oh, and on Taz, from the Observer site:

Regarding Tazz, him not being there last night will likely be turned into an angle and he’s still with the company. Bruce Prichard had given him the night off before Prichard ended up axed. There were people in the company who probably should know who had no idea where he was, however, and nobody told them anything.

What a well run company!

Anyways, Bully calls out Brooke. Hot tip here: the whole point of her being there was to be in the angle with Bully Ray. That said – she couldn’t keep her real life kayfabe and we all know that she’s getting married in real life. Now, there’s no point for her to even be on TV, making more money than most of the wrestlers and getting TV time they deserve. But hey – Hulk said Impact going back on the road would save the company, too. Hulk also claims that Bully raped and pillaged TNA. Takes one. Knows one.

Austin Aries vs. Bobby Rooooooooooooooooooooooooooo is the first proper match of the night. The crowd was super hot for this. You know, for all the dick putting in facery that Aries has done, you can’t deny that the dude carries himself like a star. He also does the fastest tope I’ve seen in a while. I really liked how the extended finishing sequence of this match felt like a fight. Seriously, it was less pre-planned reversals and more strikes to escape into moves into strikes. This is totally a match you should check out. I loved the cross-up spot where Aries went for his corner dropkick and Roo kicked him out of the air. Post-match Roo went buckfutter and destroyed a monitor. Because, you know, TNA has plenty of money to go around. Jeremy Borash running from him was pretty funny, though.

HASTO REVERSO. Homicide and Hernandez met up in the back and Chavo was all tense about it for a second. But then he was all cool with Hernandez and whatnot. Why does Homicide have a job here after getting stuck on the cage during the first Monday night Impact that took all the juice out of that show live?

Homicide vs. Petey Williams vs. Sonjay Dutt: The moonsault footstomp at the end of this was fucking awesome. There was a cool three way submission thing that Petey did, too. This was move move move, but if that’s what you want to see, then you would enjoy this match.

Kenny King vs. Chavo Jr. vs. Manik: Straight up, Jeremy Borash is great on commentary, telling a story and not making jokes every five minutes to take away from the match. Taz will be back, of course. Manik did a cool move here where he had an Indian Deathlock on King and Northern Lights suplexed Chavo. Manik hit his finish on King and that was that.

Main Event Mafia chat it up behind venetian blinds.

Hey – that Chris Sabin video from the beginning? We’re gonna kinda show it to you again.

Brother brother gives Sabin some advice. I don’t know if it’s Sabin not belonging at this level or Hogan slumming it to a lower level, but all of this just makes me sad.

Main Event Mafia comes out for a promo and yep, scant weeks into them being here, they get locked into a room and treated like idiots while Kurt/Angle gets kidnapped and thrown in the back of a truck. I can only assume he will be buried in the desert along with Ric Flair. This was stupid on a myriad of level. Not as stupid as Kurt’s sunglasses that had American flags on the lenses. But stupid nonetheless.

Greg Marasciulo vs. Rockstar Spud vs. Rubix: The former Trent Baretta wins here with the world’s safest MK Ultra. It was pretty much sad how safe and light it looked. Also: the guy who posts the reviews on Wrestling Observer called it an Emerald Erosion. Nothing like the “best source in wrestling” being so utterly wrong, as the Emerald Erosion starts in a bodyslam position. That said, we’re just a site that makes fun of wrestling, so what the fuck do we know?

Bully Ray was giving instructions on what to do with Angle, but yeah, guess what: next segment, Angle was back and just fine.

Aries put over Sabin and wished him luck. Meanwhile, AJ Styles sat in the dark and said mean stuff. It’s good mood food. Gail Kim and Hardcore Country also got into a brouhaha. TO. THE. BACK.

Chris Sabin won the title from Bully Ray thanks to a hammer spot. For a world title match, this match did not at all and in any way feel like one. Seriously, it felt like a Dusty finish could come out there at the end. Also: Sabin fucked up a simple leg spot in this match to the point that I wondered why he was even in the ring, much less for arguably the #2 company in the US, much less in a main event, much less in a world title match, much less winning a world title match.

Every day and in every way, TNA looks to be closer to death. Oh well.
-Sam

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