TNA Impact: TNA! TNA! IMPACT!

Sting comes out in a suit. Kurt/Angle comes out in a suit. THey’re reforming the Main Event Mafia, only using former world champions. They have someone else joining them tonight. They also have new music, which is, like all TNA music, lame library music. Or worse, music that sounds like lame library music.

Yes, TNA does what it does best. Make babyfaces look stupid, as Bully Ray buries the entire X Division. There’s a difference between dudes being heels and dudes saying things that talks shit on one of the few points of difference – the X Division – that this company has.

Adam Ohriner is the next dude in Gut Check. There are tons of dudes in the indies and they pick these dudes. Well, alright. GUT CHECK. This dude is Jeep Swensen big. Oh wrestling, still in love with size. I love you, you wacky pseudo sport, you.

X Division belt on the line, between Kenny King, Suicide (who also has horrible music) and Chris Sabin, the dude who just got pushed against a truck by Aces & Eights. Taz and Tenay gab and oh man. Taz might be leaving soon. That’d be a shame. Can I convey facetiousness in text? You know I can.

HE’S COMING.
HE’S COMING.
HE’S COMING.
5 RAINBOWS.

I like that the dude who reviews TNA on WrestlingObserver.com said, “Pretty good match, but it wasn’t as good as the New Japan iPPV opener on Saturday.” Apples to apples, dude. This match also wasn’t as good as Tiger Mask vs. Dynamite Kid, but you don’t see me being all wrestling indy hipster on this shit, do you?

Suicide beats everyone here, which hey, Sabin gets buried more. Way to come back from those bad knees.

After this, Hulk Hogan comes out with TJ Perkins. Does anyone who has had sex with a woman know who that is? He also looks tiny as fuck compared to brother brother brother brother.

The next Gut Check guy is Ryan Howe, who is doing wacky warm-ups in back. He looks like he should be in MSG. Or Blue Murder. Or Shark Island. I can name obscure hair metal bands all day. You want that? I can do that.

Gut Check match: Ryan Howe vs. Adam Ohriner. Howe plays his own entrance music, which is the Star Spangled Banner. So, of course, he’s the heel. Taz calls him Van Hammer almost instantly, so hey, why not bury new talent before they even get a chance?

Never mind. Ryan Howe just did a cross body to the top of the thighs.

I ask the same question I always ask: Who is face? Who is heel? Why should we care? Give us a reason to care. Engage us. Entertain us.

The finish? Howe jumped right into a power slam. He said this match was as real as real gets. Awesome, because that looked worked as fuck.

TO THE BACK. Sting. Kurt. Walking.

TO THE BACK. Bully Ray intimidates TJP.

Velvet Sky vs. Mickie James: Kris and I talked during this match and he asked what happened to Velvet and wondered why she had duct tape on her breasts that said HOLLA. I don’t have answers.

TNA has a new app.

Let me quote right from them:

TNA Wrestling, in partnership with Always Evolve,Inc., today announced the launch of the “TNA Always Evolve” fitness app featuring wrestling superstar Jeff Hardy along with personalized guidance from Certified Master Trainer Larry Johnston. Available for download on iOS and Android mobile and tablet devices, the app combines the benefits of both healthy nutrition and physical activity to offer beginner, intermediate and advanced-level users a comprehensive and customizable four-week training program.

“Fans constantly ask me how I stay fit,” said Hardy. “With this innovative app, users get unprecedented access to my personal workout routine. All they need is a good attitude, a mat and some weights to get started.”

Using innovative motion capture technology to create the app, Always Evolve, Inc. was able to see and learn from the movement of every muscle and appendage in order to deliver a realistic avatar of Hardy that guides users through a precise workout relative to their personal profile and fitness goals.

Seriously. This is happening. A virtual Jeff Hardy that shows you how to get in shape. The same guy that gave his brother a fish with MATT magic markered onto it for Christmas. That’s the dude who is going to help me get in shape. I kind of have to get this app now.

Mickie did the raddest submission here, an Indian Deathlock Boston Crab whatamaneuver. Also: I’m all for Mickie wearing less clothes.

Post-match, Velvet is hurt and cuts a sad promo. To which point, the crowd starts chanting “You tapped out.” Well, that’s what you get for being the shittiest babyface ever. Also: Christie Hemme has on an outfit that a 60s stewardess or James Bond villain’s girlfriend would wear. Well, since this is TNA, maybe like, something from a James Bond ripoff like Matt Helm. Or this:

Yes, according to Wikipedia, The Dragon Lives Again…

…is a martial arts fantasy comedy in which the soul of Bruce Lee (played by Bruce Leung Siu-lung) goes to the Underworld. The deceased Lee meets a number of pop-culture icons, including Dracula, James Bond, Zatoichi, Clint Eastwood, The Godfather, Laurel and Hardy, The Exorcist, and even 1970s soft-porn character Emmanuelle. Lee befriends The One-Armed Swordsman, Caine from TV’s Kung Fu, and Popeye.

Holy fucking shit, why are you reading about TNA and why am I writing about it when we could be watching this movie?

Anyways. Back to TNA.

Magnus and Bobby Roo have a match that, surprise, the right guy wins. Yep. Magnus hits an out of nowhere Michinoku Driver and that’s not even really his finish, which is all kinds of awesome and TNA reminds you that sometimes, it can be good.

Lots of Sting and Kurt Angle walking. Hogan questioning referees. Bully Ray intimidating dudes. All TO THE BACK. TO. THE. BACK.

TO THE BACK.

Storm. Gunnar. Bro. Mans. A tag feud I don’t care about. Scotty Metropolis hates James Storm. I love him because many of my friends, the moment he is in the ring, begin texting me messages such as: CREEK SWIMMING. MOONSHINE SIPPING. JOHNNY CASH LISTENING! It goes on and on. It’s not as bad as Bill Murray and his brothers calling Kelly Lynch’s husband.

To quote the AV Club:

Every time Road House is on and he or one of his idiot brothers are watching TV — and they’re always watching TV — one of them calls my husband and says, “Kelly’s having sex with Patrick Swayze right now. They’re doing it. He’s throwing her against the rocks.” [Away from the receiver.] What? Oh, my God. Mitch was just walking out the door to the set, and he said that Bill once called him from Russia.

Samoa Joe beat Mr. Anderson, as he should, and joined the Main Event Mafia. The dude who writes the Observer reviews said that Joe was bulletproof. Really? Because, if that means being unmotivated and nowhere near as over as he was years ago, then yes, he is bulletproof. Keep in mind, I like Samoa Joe and I say these things.

Finally, Austin Aries was Suicide. He gets to cash in on Bully Ray, just like he did last year against Bobby Roo.

Kris texted me: NEXT WEEK: SAMOA JOE WEARS A SUIT.”

I told him that TNA is better than WWE for me because, well, I fully expect it to suck and don’t worry about it disappointing me. Sometimes, it’s really bad. Most of the time it is. Other times, a great match will happen. Yet it won’t take away the suck. It’s really unpredictable, where WWE, I always know pretty much what I am getting.

I watch TNA every week. I have since it was on PPV every single week. I have stayed with it. It has not rewarded me.

See you next week!
-Sam

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