Prepare yourself for a more stream of consciousness Impact review and less by the minute. I tried. I did. But I think this may be more entertaining.
Bully Ray did a promo and Hogan came out and completely lost the script. Which is why I’m always more entertained by Impact than WWE. Because it can and is and will be and always always is a complete and total mess. And that’s what I watch it for.
Hernandez pinned Chavo Jr. My nightmare is that Chavo Jr. turns heel and gets more mic time and gets a major feud with Hernandez. TNA thinks Hernandez is a crossover star, because he wrestled for a bit in Mexico and grew up near there. Oh TNA. Usted es comica.
Samoa Joe did what he should: killed Robbie E dead, dead and dead.
TNA has lottery tickets in Georgia now. Maybe they can start paying workers in them. I mean, that kind of has been done before.
Rampage and Angle had a moment and people went hoss. Of course, the next week, he saved him. The dude is not trained, but it doesn’t matter. He’s over. And again, following in Mr. T’s footsteps and doing it better.
James Storm, Gunner and Chris Sabin beat Austin Aries, Bobby Roode and Kenny King in a short match. Then, a bunch of geeks looking for Abyss.
I like Mickie James being a condescending bitch. Yep. I do. Don’t like Taelor Hendrix, though. The crowd? They talked through this match like a low rent post Mania crowd, yet not as funny.
The big main event ending in a sports entertainment finish, where Bully Ray didn’t even do a job in a non-title match. And that, my friends, is what being an awesome worker is all about. He went in back and Hogan and him were gonna have words, but Brooke still has feelings.
What a perfect segue into next week! Hogan wanted to hit Bully with a hammer, but God stopped him. GOD TOLD HIM TO. A bunch of other people got involved, but I started napping, dreaming of a magic world where a 60 year old plus Hulkster is not the focus of a wrestling company. Sleep to dream, you bloated asshole.
Bad Influence beat the tag champs to get into the BFG series.
Crimson came back to job for Joe Park. See you back in Ohio.
Mickie James kicked Velvet Sky’s leg out of her leg, so she’s just a heel instead of an interesting heel now.
Matt Morgan was mad he even had to qualify. Kurt Angle has to fucking qualify, dude. Shut the fuck up. Seriously, Matt Morgan. Why is he here? Why isn’t he working somewhere getting stuff off high shelves for folks?
Magnus then beat Morgan, Kenny King and Rob Terry. Good for Magnus.
Sting is putting back together the Main Event Mafia, because no one saved him from the ACes & Eights beatdown. People say, “TNA has a plan.” I say, “They book like Marvel used to wait for No-Prizes to explain things.”
Austin Aries beat Eric Young. I wish I could type that sentence several times. Also: Eric Young has a second season of a show on Animal Planet. So. There’s that.
Mr. Anderson won a battle royal of Aces & Eights guys throwing one another out. The only guy who dissented was Doc. You remember back when the NWO Black and White angles were going on and you may have thought, “This is the absolute shits?” Guess what? Like a gay teenager from Bizarroworld, ME SAY GETS WORSE.
So after that last week of intensity, Angle and Jackson were both like, “Ah, let’s kill that beef.” And they did. So. TNA everybody.
Did you ever notice that the only time Taz is seriously is during Kurt Angle matches?
That said, I was just about to say, “These guys are having an awesome match.” Anyone that knows me knows that the minute I say that, shit gets horrible. And I did and a run in happened near instantly. So. Yeah.
I like the new heel AJ’s moveset. It’s more strike based and more real. AJ beats Kurt cheap with a schoolboy and then walks out on him after Kurt saved him from Aces & EIghts. Rampage makes the save and that’s two weeks of Impact.