Smackdown by Super Giant Ninja

What better way to start an episode of Smackdown than with Team Hell No. It is still vaguely surreal for me to see Daniel Bryan thrive in the Fed, as a comedy act. I hope that Kane’s Teflon coating wears off on him and he gets to stick around for a long while. Anyways, the Big Show meanders down to the ring and argues with Kane and Daniel. Then the Rhodes Scholars come down to talk some more. Then your World Champion, Alberto Del Rio comes to the ring… Now I remember why I watch Chikara. Seriously, by the time Booker T comes out and makes this the main event, I am bored out of my head. A commercial bumper saying ‘Hey, the champs are teaming up to wrestle their number one contenders in an elimination tag match!’ would have accomplished the same thing and not been so damn boring.

My faith is partially restored by a nice long non-title match between Sheamus and Wade Barrett. The fact that these two have wrestled each other a fair bit is referenced by the announcers and it really shows in the match. Wade Barrett looks like he should be an amazing goddamn wrestler. He’s got a cocky smirk, a crooked Aquiline nose, and a huge overcoat. Dude should be fighting Terry Bogard on top of a train. Sheamus has a great look, too, with his bright red hair, porcelain skin, and winning smile. They look like they walked right out of central casting. After a couple years in the Fed, both guys have improved enough to warrant a 10 minute match. While not the sort of thing that will get match of the year consideration, I totally expect future generations of wrestling nerds to find this and rave about it when it shows up on the 2043 of a wrestling comp. Sheamus wins, but Wade looked really good. The little things Barrett did in this match really warranted a repeat viewing. He kicked his legs when Sheamus had him up for the White Noise. He sold his surgically reconstructed shoulder afterwards.

Natalya and Rosa Mendes had a match. Natalya won. The only thing I really recall is that Natalya has a better Sharpshooter than the Rock. Oh, and the weird thing between Natalya, the Great Khali, and Hornswaggle gives me a bad feeling.

The Rock, Punk, and the Shield had a segment. It was screwy on my DirecTV feed, but the gist was that the Punker wanted to make it clear that the Shield were not his personal army. It is hard for me to get into this feud because it looks like it will inevitably lead back to fucking Cena. Seeing them stand face to face, I don’t see how I am supposed to cheer the Rock. He’s a rich, old, roided up bully who insults everyone else’s sexuality. He is like Biff Tannen on Human Growth Hormone. Allegedly. Punk, the smarter, younger, cooler champion is much easier for me to empathize with. In comic book terms, this is like Batman vs. Superman and I can’t bring myself to want Superman to win. In this case, it looks like Superman is going to win and have a Wrestlemania match with Earth 2 Superman. Fuck that. I want more Punk, more Ambrose, more Rollins, more Reigns.

Speaking of artificially swollen assholes being sold as faces, Randy Orton had a “match” with Drew McIntyre. I like the 3MB, but I know they aren’t intended to win. That’s fine. Orton beats them all with no problem. Blech.

The Miz had a match with Darren Young. I went Mizblind and didn’t see anything. Can they just spin the Miz and Orton off onto a buddy cop show?

The main event was… not bad. Del Rio won, as he should. Good times were had by all.

Ryan will be back next week.

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