Eww, gross. Money. That must have come up during the creative meetings for this week’s Smackdown. Let’s not make any of that stuff. It’s disgusting. Who knows where it’s been?
That thinking applies not only to the Smackdown Money in the Bank match that’s, to be nice, not very interesting. And it also canceled out a potential money-drawing match down the line involving CM Punk, the guy who got his head shaved and has been wearing a mask to cover it up ever since. Because, you know, once you get your head shaved, that shit never grows back! Just ask Kurt Angle. So, right, I was thinking Punk vs. Rey at Summerslam or whatever sham of a gimmick PPV comes after that, where they’d go mask vs. mask. We’d either get to see Rey’s face (um, again) or we’d get to see what Punk looks like bald. Hey, let people pay money to see that. Or … not.
So the Straight Edge Society, without even a HINT of the tension from last week, were all hanging out while Punk was cutting a promo. Big Show came out and, since he’s the SD John Cena, did like 15 minutes of standup involving ladders. As lame as Show’s comedy is, he at least delivers it better than Cena. Ah, fuck. Who cares? So SES attacks Show, Punk climbs the ladder, Show catches him and, you got it, unmasks Punk. Ah, splendid. Fuck the potential money match. Sure, it wouldn’t be a Brock Lesnar-style money match, but WWE has exactly zero of those anyway. So why not try to milk any potential cash-drawing cards while you can? Dumb shits, I tell you.
Most of the show involved singles matches pitting dudes in the MitB match that, wow, is looking pitiful. I blame that on WWE’s multitide of half pushes that go nowhere and only ruin the credibility of guys who could have been stars but now are at least semi-ruined. Like, Kofi Kingston. He’s the IC champ, he gets a fairly decent push, but I don’t think he’s a threat to anyone above, say, Drew McIntyre. So I seem him as having a zero percent chance of winning a world title. Same goes for Matt Hardy, Christian, Cody Rhodes and Dolph Ziggler. So that’s more than half your match. Kane could win and make his eventual program with Taker a title feud. It doesn’t need to be that. Show? Bland champion. It’s probably McIntyre, to complete the push no one wants but Vince McMahon. I could see him cashing in that night and beating Rey, thus completing McMahon’s no-really-I-like-smaller-guys-oh-wait circle of life. On this show, McIntyre beat Christian in a pretty decent little match. It ended with an eye poke and a future shock DDT. FUTURE SHOCK! Sorry.
In the other singles matches, Ziggler beat Hardy after some timely interference by Vickie Guerrero. Also, Kingston battled Rhodes to a no contest when Kane interfered, thus torturously extending this “who beat up Taker, oh right, that was me” storyline. Gah, fuck. WWE has no idea how to make a compelling, yet drawn-out angle. Also, this “Dashing” gimmick for Rhodes? Hate it. First, like you have to gay up Rhodes even more. Second, this gimmick would work if we were still in the era of first blood matches and bloody cage matches. That way, you put Rhodes into situations where his face could get mangled, and people would pay to see him get carved up. Maybe they’d pay. It’s only Rhodes, after all. So there you go. A MitB match with almost no heat. Yeah.
Other shit! They insist on making us endure this Layla vs. Kelly Kelly match on the PPV, and to build it we had some mess with Layla and one of the Dudebsuters (Trent Baretta, according to the notes in my head) against Kelly x 2 and Chris fucking Masters. The faces won. Wouldn’t it be great if his name actually was Chris “Fucking” Masters?
More Alberto del Rio promos. Again, good move. People will know who he is when he debuts and how they’re supposed to feel about him. More of these, please! When they re-sign Danielson, if they don’t just stick him back into the Nexus angle (which they should), they should build him up via these vignettes. Show him training, stretching dudes. Make people care. Do these for every new guy. Don’t just have a guy debut and be like, “I’m Donnie McDick! Root for me!”
I didn’t forget the Jack Swagger angle when he brought out his dad Bunkhouse Buck to prove Jack wasn’t the guy who beat up Undertaker. Admittedly, the photos of “father” and son doing all this ridiculous shit that weekend such as push ups and fishing contests was hilarious. It was Mandelbaum-esque. But the Kane stuff, I’m just over it. Plus, the end was obvious: Buck got fucked.
That’s it. Might I recommend you all track down the new Thou album “Summit.” I don’t know that another singer can sound more aggravated and annoyed than Bryan Funck. Goodnight.
– Brian
