Counting The Lights

Another week, another edition of Superstars on WGN. And we start on a strong note: the best face tag team in the Fed, Tatsu and Goldust vs. my favorite emerging heel team, Ryder and Primo.
Both teams have a unique dynamic and are fun to watch. Ryder has ditched the one long leg tights for standard trunks, which is a big improvement. Tatsu shows his appreciation for Zach’s
new tights by lighting him up with a series of vicious slaps and an armdrag before Goldust comes in. Goldustin takes control, but Zach gets a tag. Lawler and Cole manage to ignore the
match completely, talking about RAW’s new GM, HAL. Tatsu works Primo’s arm and ducks the crossbody before hanging Yoshi on the ropes. Zach takes over and batters Tatsu. The heels are
working the tags and keeping Yoshi grounded. Tatsu gets the boot up in the corner, hot tag, and Goldy is back. Kneeling uppercut, but Primo capitalizes on the distraction. We go to break
with the heels in control.

I am going to ignore the commercials and think about Hostess Fruit Pies. Yum.

We are back and Zach is dominating Goldust. Tags in Primo and it is chinlock time. Nothing like a nice, snug chinlock, right? Goldust with the powerslam and Dustin is pounding the mat with his foot
to get fired up. Dropkick! Malenko style spin kick. Chop combo! Double axe handle? Shining Wizard! Primo breaks up the pin. Tatsu misses a kick in the corner. Rough Ryder! Zach and Primo
take the trip to the pay window. I said it once, but I will say it again, Ryder and Primo are great together. Goldust and Tatsu are fun, too. Nice match and nothing can bring me down,
not even an NXT Replay.

Did I say nothing could bring me down? I might make an exception for a Bella vs. Jillian match. Yes, I know there are two of them, but I take my glasses off to jerk off and they blur together
into a super foxy two headed woman. Too much?

A strange, old school spot for Dos Caras Jr., unmasked of course. He is obsessed with the truth, for some reason, and claims to only to tell the truth. Alberto Del Rio. Hmm.

There is a divas match now and I am going to take a break to pour a drink. Yes, the Bellas look amazing in blue hot pants. Sadly, they are wrestling Jillian, who kills my boner. Some
moves happen and someone wins, or something.

Our main event is announced: Christian vs. Curt Hawkins in the battle of former Edge lackeys. Commercial for the Ricky Steamboat DVD makes me think about actually buying a wrestling
DVD for the first time in years.

Christian comes out first and the crowd is pretty thrilled. He is pretty over, I just can’t get into him. He comes across even more uptight than John Cena, which is pretty hard to do. Even
worse, his offense is lame with a capital LAME. That being said, he is worlds better than the super bland Hawkins and his assistant, emphasis on ass, Lance Hoyt. I mean Dallas. I mean Lance
Archer. Are we sure that guy isn’t a porn star?

Hawkins manages to outdouche the entire locker room with a blazer and okeather pants combination. Wow, that is amazingly tacky. Lock up to start and I find out Hawkins and Archer got signed.

Great. Christian takes the early lead with an arm wringer but Hawkins punches his way out. Christian takes him down, Hawkins goes to the floor, and Christian hits the baseball slide. Top
rope crossbody gets a two count. Hawkins lifts Christian over the top rope and Archer closes in. The ref tosses Archer and his awful leather jacket turned vest to the back. Tag teams
are supposed to dress the same! How fucking hard is that to figure out? And it’s commercial time.

Anyone want to buy me a ticket for the Money In the Bank PPV? $25 I don’t have.

We are back and Christian is on the mat getting the business from Hawkins, but he slugs his way out. Hawkins drops Christian to the mat and taunts before the cover. Two count and then
the punching commences. Curt works him over in the corner, Christian goes for the DDT, but Hawkins tosses him off the top rope. Scoop is reversed into the weird sit out pulling thing
Christian uses. A hard slap knocks Hawkins down. Christian hits his strange backbreaker. Hawkins hits a NICE body slam. Christian takes control with a slap and a missile dropkick. Is
Christian the Kobashi of slaps? Tope rope crossbody misses and Hawkins capitalizes. Christian hits that strange corner rope kick followed by the flying European and a Killswitch. That’s
your match. There was nothing wrong with that match, it just lacked any spark of interest. Christian will nver change card position and Hawkins is better off in his second rate tag
team. That’s your show and I made it through sober! Nice. Have good Fourth and I will be back next week.