Archive for July, 2010

« Older Entries

SMACKDOWN: Generic Samuel Taylor Coleridge reference to water

Saturday, July 31st, 2010

So here I was, ready to heap praise on what was a pretty enjoyable edition of Smackdown, one during which I did very little fast forwarding, which is, like, a record. But the damn thing was bookended by two of the dumbest segments they’ve done in some time that it fell just short. But hey, you can’t stop WWE from being wacky.

First, they open with a long Kane promo, complete with casket, red lighting, that goddamned horror music, and … wait for it … effects on Kane’s voice. Now, these weren’t some sort of Noah Panico avant-garde awesomeness effects. This was a full-on what-the-fuck-is-going-on mess. Basically, the end result is Kane claimed Undertaker awoke from his vegetative state momentarily to finger Rey as his attacker. I just wanted to say “finger” right there. So after Taker finger banged Rey, Kane reported to the arena to ensure everyone knew he’d unleash total PG-rated, blood-free violence on Mysterio at Summerslam.

All of this led to our main event, a no-DQ match pitting Jack Swagger and the afore-fingered Rey. They had a pretty good, spirited battle that led up the aisle (there was a cool spot where Swagger caught Rey on a rana try and slammed him repeatedly into steel railings), through the back and outside, where Swagger almost was mowed down by a car surely driven by production staff or someone from West Mifflin or Baldwin. Fuck, can’t anyone drive? They battled all the way to the shores of the Gulf of Mexico because, you know, when WWE books a show near the water, someone’s going the fuck in. This is where shit got stupid. They struggled and struggled, making really uncomfortable noises that led credence to the whole “wrestling being homoerotic” dealie, and Rey rana’d Swagger into the fucking Gulf. Then, out of nowhere, Kane showed up and chokeslammed Rey in as well. Nice. That was pretty dumb, y’all.

There were two more pretty decent segments, the first being a match between Christian and Drew McIntyre. I don’t think Drew’s ever going to be the main eventer WWE so desperately hopes he’ll be. Oh, they’ll try. I still think he gets a run as world champ. But he just isn’t that caliber. That said, he’s rounding into a dependable upper mid-carder who can have good matches, and really, what’s wrong with that? He and Christian had a good little match that focused on a shoulder injury suffered by Christian. They went two segments, did some nice things, and Christian got the rollup win in the end. Just fine. A TV program between the two would be fine. It’s all fine. I think that’s fine.

The other segment was another building block in the Kofi Kingston/Dolph Ziggler feud, as the two faced off in a match where, if Ziggler won, he’d get an IC title match next week. They ended up having another watchable contest that, for some reason, led to Kofi losing his fucking shit and beating the hell out of Dolph, leading to a DQ. He continued to assault Dolph outside the ring, threw him over some tables, and had to be restrained. I’d like to see some better facial expressions out of Kofi (maybe Undertaker should finger him), but at least he showed some fire. Plus, the crowd legit chanted his name and vociferously booed when Dolph was announced as the winner. Hey, people gave a shit. Nice going. They face each other next week for the belt, and if you look on the interhole, you can find out what happens (shhh! They already taped the show…)

In the 1960s, Dolph Ziggler would have been Adolph Ziggler and had a ton more heat. And a tiny mustache. Heil.

Other shit! Michelle McCool beat Tiffany. Then Teddy Long said Lay Cool had to decide who between them was champ, because there can be only one. Here’s an idea: Just say that Layla is champion since, you know, she actually fucking is. That was pretty dumb, but then again, no one gives a shit about that belt.

So that’s about it. I guess I tend to write longer when I’m more irritated by the show, so yeah. Oh, by the way, I always mention what I’m listening to when I write these reports, like anyone gives a shit. But this week it’s the new Enslaved, which isn’t out until September. It is fucking incredible. Like, in a huge way. I think I’ll be doing a CD/shirt combo when this thing’s actually available for purchase. I know. Who cares?

OK, go drink.

– Brian

PS: Spellcheck wants me to change Rey’s name to Rye Mysterio.

Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

How do you destroy a legacy when there isn’t one, or you can’t shit on shit – a TNA review

Saturday, July 31st, 2010

Tommy Dreamer has been here for 8 weeks and this is the loudest he’s ever heard the Impact Zone. Seeing as how they tape so many weeks in advance, he’s only really been there three times. But who are we to call Tommy Dreamer a liar who preys on emotion?

This photo makes me want to kill myself. Who am I kidding? Everything makes me want to kill myself.

I like how Stevie is in the same ring as Tommy and Mick Foley. It’s like blood in your stool.

Then again, if you told me in the glory days of ECW, that the company would be represented by D Von Dudley and Rhino, I would have laughed and laughed.

Legally, they can’t call ECW ECW. I like how Tommy is sad about it. No shit. Someone else bought the name. EV 2.0. He’s the innovator of violence, but not the innovator of good names.

It’d be like me gathering all the people I worked with at Toys R Us, starting a toy store and being angry that we aren’t allowed to call the store Toys R Us. Except my toy store would get more PPV buys than Hardcore Justice will.

Bubba comes out, everyone calls him bro, Taz stands up and asks him to come back to the family. Our family. You know, to paraphrase http://www.themetalinquisition.com, anyone who refers to people who aren’t their family as a family and talks about it and cries is a fucking asshole.

This shit is like your favorite rock band getting back together…

As Bubba has on a Black Label shirt…

Putting back on the makeup…

OK. I hate Kiss. Except “I Was Made for Loving You,” because Kiss fans hate that song. I expected Kiss to sound like Burzum as a kid and instead, it sounded like light shit with a black woman or a gay man singing.

Thanks again, Metal Inquisition.

They’re doing it for the fans, man. One last night to say thank you to everyone who supported us. Not trying to recapture any magic,

Wow.

Really?

Set the bar high.

And Mick Foley.

Mick Foley.

In the ring.

Selling out your fucking legacy.

It’s sad. It’s sad that I ever idolized you. What a waste of time I see that has been.

You’re like a woman I was in love with that broke my heart four or five times. And now, I say, “No fucking more.”

Every one of your impassioned promos rings false. Even in a carny huckster world, this is the most bullshit of shit I’ve ever heard.

In the words of Koji Kitao, “You are the biggest monkeys in this kayfabe circus.”

Bubba Ray comes back to ECW.

Show me the person who gave a shit about Bubba in this angle. Then, I will show you an asshole wearing an Affliction shirt. Or a bad Wal-Mart ripoff of one. Actually, I don’t want to insult Wal-Mart by bringing them into this.

Wow, a dumpy looking asshole who stiffs guys for no reason is on the stick and I could not give a shit. “Are we going to light someone on fire?” Yes, of course. Because who gives a fuck about human beings?

Sam’s random Impact Zone cross section of fans – a new feature on Counting the Lights

Kid in green bored and wondering who the fuck these guys are standing in front of the Honky Tonk Man, while dude with a sweater vest and a backward baseball cap celebrates ECW returning and his own virginity, while Bryant Gumble sits in front of the dude who killed Scarface who is wearing a panama hat.

But wait.

Holy shit, Hulk Hogan is coming down.

To quote Ryan Clark, “Having the ECW guys get the blessing from Hogan is like having Christopher Nolan receive his Oscar from Michael Bay.”

Wow. This sucks more dong than I know that exists. Like, I assume there are at least 2 billion dongs or more in the world. That’s not enough dong. This needs more dong.

I don’t know who I hate more in this situation: Hogan. Dreamer. Dixie. Stevie.

OK, definitely. Stevie.

A black beard running around ruling my world? Oh, Hulkster.

Then, because WWE in 1998 had openings with people talking and talking and more people coming out to talk, Abyss comes out and talks.

I love how there are conspiracies in TNA. Like Rhino thinking someone was against him. Or the people who tell Abyss things. They they they they they. Brother.

Tommy Dreamer talking to Hogan is like me meeting Obama and telling him how to run shit.

Girls argue backstage and then, Sarita versus Angelina Love. Yes, the TNA girls make enough money to have basement apartments. Nothing says family like people not getting paid much. This division has been fucked and not in the way everyone would like it to be fucked.

Nice match, a bit too much “you do your move and I do mine,” but OK.

Eric Young is in back with Orlando Jordan. Now Eric has taken a concussion and become crazy. That’s awesome. Because concussions are funny in wrestling. Nothing bad has happened from people having concussions or depression or anything like that.

Orlando Jordan just took the gum out of his mouth and put it in So Cal Val’s mouth. Wow. And Eric Young has a mannequin. Who wants to watch this? Show me. Who?

Over the last year or so, Eric Young has been:
Lovable virgin retard
Mastermind of non-US TNA wrestlers
Kevin Nash’s partner
Fighting Kevin Nash
A member of The Band
Loveable concussion problem retard
Someone Sam doesn’t care about
All of the above

One of these two are talented. The other is Eric Young.

It seems like someone saw Yoshihiko in DDT. But didn’t watch any of it to see why it was funny.

I would argue that Shannon Moore and Jesse Neal are gayer than Orlando Jordan.

Lets see. Is Fortune the new Four Horsemen?

Flair = JJ Dillon
AJ Styles = Ric Flair
Beer Money = Tully and Arn
Kazarian = Paul Roma

OK, I guess that makes sense.

Kurt Angle comes out and they talk. I fast forward to the cage match between Motor City Machine Guns and Beer Money. Heels up 2 to nothing, which is amazing that they got that right.

Oh. I missed this, and thanks to Bryan and Lance Storm’s recap, I caught it: the Legends belt that became the Global title is now the TV title, because TV ratings are the most important thing in wrestling. Dear Vince Russo: now, PPV and merchandise are the most important things, and you convert 1% or less or your overall viewing audience into PPV. Yes. Less than 1%.

OK, I am going to say something nice.

Are you ready?

The cage match between Beer Money and the Motor City Machine Guns was fucking awesome and you should go out of your way to see it.

People were losing their mind at the finish. Just insane. I look forward to seeing if these guys can top the three matches they have already had.

What’s worse than Mr. Anderson coming out to his music?

When it’s Matt Morgan.

Matt tries to kill Anderson, but at the end, Jeff Hardy saves him and I hate nearly everyone in the ring. Murphy and Gunner, TNA security that has never been seen before, does a run-in to help, but all the agents come out. D Lo Brown is loud as fuck as he’s yelling.

You know, I worked on a show with Phil Shatter, who is one of these dudes. Dude is huge. Just gigantic. Why they would put him in the ring with Morgan, who is gigantic, and make him look normal, is why Vince Russo should never be writing wrestling. This was indy show bullshit but worse. Because people paid money to advertise on it.

Rob Terry just beat Kazarian in less time than it took me to write this. You know, when you form a new heel team, I am of the belief that you should protect them for a few weeks. I used to wrestle for a company and the first night a bunch of us were put together to be the new top heels, every one of us but Abyss did jobs. Abyss only beat one of the other members of the group in a swerve. How did this make people think we were the top guys? It then hurt the faces that faced us. The same thing just happened with Fortune. You could get the same result by bringing in a jobber, having AJ and Kazarian coming out with the jobber and saying, “Even he can beat Rob Terry.” Have them jump Rob before the bell, Rob still comes back quick, beats the jobber and chases away Kazarian and AJ. Now, set up Kazarian and Rob in a few weeks as a competitive match, if your final goal is AJ vs. Rob.

You know, Jeff Hardy was the hottest wrestler in the world a year ago. Now, he’s in TNA, doing a 1.2 rating, which while better than ratings have been, are nowhere near where they should be with the money being spent.

Anyway. Faces over. Young kids lose.

Bischoff made an announcement of a Clash of the Champions with PPV quality matches. Like Samoa Joe vs. Jeff Hardy (forgotten already this week) and the MCMG vs. Beer Money matches weren’t matches given away for free. Abyss out, Tommy Dreamer in, everyone has on shitty gear, etc.

This whole match? A set-up for Tommy to get attacked by Raven, setting up their big match on the PPV. I like how Tommy is the focal point of EV 2.0 and he did a job already. Way to set this up as something special.

Everyone gets mad at Raven for turning on Tommy. Really? Raven turned on Tommy. It’s like my Pepsi suddenly tasting like Pepsi.

That was TNA.

BUT WAIT.

There’s more.

Sam’s review of the WrestlingObserver.com review of TNA:

Jeff Hamlin reviews TNA for them. I pay $10 a month because I enjoy the podcasts and Dave’s writing whenever he doesn’t talk only about MMA. How does one get to write on the main page of the Observer? It’s like if Dr. Mike Lano got featured on the main page of Time Magazine, really. I expect more. Sentences like:

“Hearing Dreamer bring up Kiss brings back memories of Richards and the Blue Meanie dressing up as Kiss in 1996, which has to be one of the greatest skits in wrestling history.”

Look. If you think something Meanie and Stevie did in front of 1,000 people and acting like idiots is the one of the best skits in wrestling history, you have no standing to start with.

And this gem:

“It felt like I was watching Kurt Cobain come back to life, and instead of Jack Black or Billy Joe Armstrong walking up on stage with him, it was Vince Neil.”

First off: I hope he means Jack White. Also, I hate Kurt Cobain, so this reference made me mad. And no one wants to see a Green Day/Tenacious D/Nirvana supergroup fronted by a zombie. Also, as for Vince Neil, he helped invent a few things. First, the dude will never, ever, ever pay for a lapdance thanks to “Girls,Girls,Girls.” Two, he looks like Theodore the chipmunk and still pulls mad cougar twat. Third, by killing Razzle of Hanoi Rocks in a drunken driving incident, he helped coin the phrase, “Maybe you guys shouldn’t drive yet, you don’t want to be Razzle and Vince Neil.” Fourth, he fought a ninja in the “Too Young to Fall in Love” video and Tommy Lee ate all that rice at the end and was like, hey, fuck you.

Finally, this:

“Earlier, I mentioned ECW and Kurt Cobain in the same sentence because they’re similar in their respective genres. They both came during times when each scene had grown stale, and livened things up, even if it wasn’t for the long haul. But grunge died out after Cobain died and Soundgarden broke up. I never thought I’d see Hogan in the same ring putting over ECW mainstays, and I’m not sure I wanted to. The very idea of that happening shows that the true point of ECW has been lost. Judging from this show, and the EV 2.0 angle as a whole, Cobain’s final words couldn’t have been more appropriate. It truly is better to burn out than to fade away.”

Cobain died in 1994. Soundgarden broke up in 1997. He makes it sound like it all happened at once. Also, those words were in Kurt Cobain’s suicide note. His actual last words?

“Ouch. I shot off my whole face.”

Good night, shut the lights off, I don’t have enough to pay the electric what with all the alimony.

-Sam

Posted in TNA | 6 Comments »

Super Giant Ninja Superstars

Thursday, July 29th, 2010

I feel invincible, so either I am Iron Man or it is Superstars time again. The show kicks off with the WWE’s cutest couple: Kozlov and Santino. I dig both, so this should be fun. Regal comes out next and his partner is… PRIMO! Fuck yes! Primo, the heel tag partner of choice, should benefit from Regal’s awesomeness. An Italian, a Russian, a Brit, and a Puerto Rican walk into a bar. Regal and Santino to start, with Regal wrenching Santino’s arm and Santino countering with rolls and flips. Primo is in and he continues to work the arm. Santino struggles like a bargain bin Johnny Saint and gets the tag. Kozlov starts mauling Primo and drapes him into the corner. Vladimir hits a headbutt to the ribs and carries Primo around. Primo escapes, attacks the leg, and in comes Regal. Regal brings the violence, driving the knees into the midsection. Santino comes in and hulks up. Regal eats a Cobra and goes outside. Commercial Break Boogaloo!

Quiznos has kittens on their commercials! Yes!

Primo is in complete control when we return, but Santino uses the power of the armdrag! Sadly, his Nagata Elbow Drop misses. Regal is in and brutalizing Santino. Primo back in for the super hard corner whip. Regal back in and working the midsection with his knees. Abdominal Stretch! Would it kill them to have someone submit to that? Primo in. Scoop slam but the Frog Splash misses. Lawler actually uses Primo’s last name. Kozlov is in and it gets ugly. Running Power Slam, but Regal breaks up the pin. Sambo Chokeslam Suplex thing! Regal is fuming. Nice match!

MVP vs. Chavito is the Main Event, so I’ve got that to look forward to.

Chris Master is making his way out, so I fear Baretta and Croft will soon follow. My fear is confirmed. It looks like ECW legend Caylen Croft is the victim. Masters hits the Bulldog Delayed Vertical Suplex within seconds. Croft goes after the knee and grounds the big man. Not just psychology, interweekly psychology! Is this really the Fed? Figure four attempt is kicked out of. Manhatten Drop and some clotheslines give Masters the advantage. Gorilla Press, but his knee gives out. MasterLock on Baretta. Back inside, but Croft rocks a sick chop block and a DDT. A Dudebusters victory! Wow, I did not see that coming. I hope this leads to Masters picking a tag team partner and beating the crap out of the Dudebusters.

MVP comes out with his rookie, the extraordinary Percy Watson. Chavo is in and things start off slowly. They take it to the mat. Chavito headstands out of leg scissors. MVP gets his Hero on and woks the cravate. Nice dropkick. Chavo’s new tights seem to be bringing him some much needed fire, because he is bringing the heat. HUGE back body drop! Chavo is on the floor and it is commercial time.

Chavo Classic callout! I do miss that guy. Chavo locks on the mounted armbar, but the magic chant brings MVP back from the dead. Chavo gets some nasty offense in the corner. Short arm clothesline. Mounted facelock. MVP is totally going to win. Chavito never gets this much offense and wins. Ballin’ elbow time… Play of the day reversal, Eddie shake, Three Amigos countered with a German. Almost three. Wheel kick, or innovative offense if you are a WWE commentator. Frog splash time? Nope, MVP climbs to the top, but gets shoved off. Chavo off the top into a big boot. Somehow, that is not the finish. Chavo counters the vertical suplex. Play of the Day! MVP win! Decent main. Chavo is so much better than MVP, it is not even funny. No Divas = a pretty good show.

Posted in Superstars | No Comments »

I was also satiated with wings and Fatheads Christmas Ale…

Tuesday, July 27th, 2010

I have taken a bout 4 different cracks at this review so far. Nothing I write seems to fit.

There are 2 RAW matches so far for SumemrSlam. One involves 14 guys. One involves 2. Thus, from each according to his ability, to each according to his need, this whole show was almost completely devoted to the big elimination style match. Now, this is a match against rookies vs A list veterans… and Khali. No one buys that this team would lose… so you have to give them some weakness. They went with the obvious route of “dissension in the ranks.” Every guy on the team now hates another guy. Edge threatens to take out Khali because he can’t carry his weight, Morrison and R-Truth are shoving each other, and Cena and Jericho almost come to blows at the beginning.

The matches on the show to establish all of these cracks in the foundation were all decent. R-Truth tried to stop some cheating in match with Morrison v. TDII and instead cost Morrison the match. Edge did a backstage segment trashing Khali, but his little brother Ranjin heard him and ran to the temple to tell on him. Snitch. Jericho double-crosses Cena in their tag match, hitting the codebreaker on him. They all meet in the ring at the end of the show to punch things out. Good establishment of a lack of unity, even if it was heavy-handed.

In contrast, you have the Nexus go over without taking an elimination against Raw’s next 7 top… top… Lawlor? Lawlor is in the match? Who the hell refused to go on that Lawlor is lacing up? They really are all out of faces? You didn’t have anyone else to put up against the nexus? Damn… ok, Evan Borne and the bad news bears take on the Nexus and job out pretty decisively.

As a side note, I think the b-team is pretty talented. I really like everyone on that team. However, if Borne is the closest you are getting to the “A” team on that side, it loses some impact… even if they all job easily. You don’t get ready to race a rabbit by soundly defeating a turtle. Nexus gets to show off their cunning and skill. I think everyone hit a finisher (assuming Skip Sheffield’s is now a lariat.) Thus, the Nexus is strong and ready, TEAM RAW is fractured and fighting internally.

And they have Bret Hart.

The other match they are building is Sheamus vs Orton. They added a twist in that the Miz keeps threatening to cash in his MitB case as soon as Sheamus gets laid out or possilby at the end of the match at Summerslam, when the champ is drained. So… Orton squashed an Uzo. Sheamus tried to get involved and caught an RKO. Miz tried to cash in his contract, but Orton RKO’ed Miz too. It was a good little piece to show that Orton won’t let the Miz profit off of his efforts.

There was a Divas match. They turned Jillian face? Maybe? Or maybe she is future endeavored? Eh. Whatever. You can’t make fun of Brooke Hogan any more than what her dad is doing to the (fake) family name on TNA.

And that was RAW. A lot of time spent on building 2 matches… which is sooo much better than devoting it to lame backstage skits and who slept with HHH’s wife. (Hint: It was Macho Man & it was 20 years ago.)

Overall, I was happy.

It’s an odd feeling.

-Ryan

Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

Episode 43 – Counting the Lights

Monday, July 26th, 2010

God bless you Frankie.

Get ready for some CTL goodness.

Also: when drinking, do not eat Doritos Buffalo chips. You will feel like fucking Godzilla when you puke. You could also not drink so much.

Enjoy the new show!

 
 Episode 43: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Posted in Podcast | No Comments »

Revenge is a dish best served with internal cramping…

Monday, July 26th, 2010

From his Twitter:

THETOMMYDREAMER: 5 hours still stuck in traffic behind a dunkin donuts truck for 2 hrs I am hungry& now I hav to poop. Ireally wish I had my towel back

**************************************************************

Shoe is on the other foot now, isn’t it Mr. Dreamer? You want to poop, but GOD won’t let you!!

Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

Super Giant Ninja reviews Metro Pro Wrestling

Sunday, July 25th, 2010

This is the very first episode of Metro Pro Wrestling, based in Kansas City. Kansas City has a rich wrestling tradition, going back to Bob Geigel, Harley Race, and the NWA territory days. The first four episodes were filmed in Memorial Hall, the same building where Harley won his first title, as well as where Ric Flair beat Dusty Rhodes for his first. I have always been surprised at how sparse the indie scene is here in KC, so when I found out there was a televised indie starting up, I made a point of watching. While Metro Pro is not available outside of KC yet, they might be putting it on YouTube in the near future.

The show opens with a montage of classic Kansas City wrestling footage. This was the home of Central States Wrestling, after all. The first thing that is obvious to me is that the production standard is already higher than Chikara, Ring of Honor, and most American indies. Being the exclusive property of a cable outlet does that for you, as does having a former WWE writer and producer at the helm.

‘Man in the Box’ plays and Tommy Dreamer comes to the ring. There are E-C-Dub chants and Dreamer gives a pretty decent promo. He hits on the history of Kansas City wrestling, a running theme, and he mentions the Fed to garner some boos. He says there were 17 people at the first ECW taping and that there are more here. By more, he means about 40. Local wrestler Michael Strider is called to the ring, reeking of failed indie guy. He looks just like half the crowd, skinny white guy in a black t-shirt and camo shorts with short hair and a goatee. I have
never seen him work, but I bet there is a side Russian legsweep involved. Strider and Dreamer give some verbal fellatio until they call Trevor Murdoch out. Trevor has lost some serious weight and looks about ready to get called back up. Trevor gives some more verbal fellatio, though his is more polished, and they are interrupted by Superstar Steve Fender. I am automatically inclined to like anyone called ‘Superstar’ that I have never heard of. Fender is aligned with the Barrio Boys, Angel and Domino. Angel is the same Angel from ECW and Domino
is not the same Domino from the Fed. Or X-Force, for that matter. There is some back and forth and a six man tag is booked for next week.

We are 15 minutes in and no one has wrestled yet. Yup, this is modern American wrestling. Mark Sterling, no doubt one of the centerpieces of the company, gives a promo. He is in great shape, but his thinning long hair and Dr. Venture voice make him hard to take seriously. He is a heel champion with a relatively hot female manager so, of course, he is a raging misogynist. Still no wrestling.

The first match is Tony Morales vs. Primetime Paul Diamond. Ever wonder what would happen if John Cena and Evan Bourne had a baby? Primetime Paul Diamond is the answer. With his Capri pants and eyeblack, I find it really hard to take him seriously, but at least he is not wearing jean shorts and a wifebeater. Match is fairly rote, with Morales using cheapshots and Diamond using high flying hijinks to counter attack. Morales is the smartest indie heel ever, working the gut of a high flyer. Morales catches a top rope crossbody and lays down a
pretty nasty gutbuster. Dean Malenko would be proud. Diamond gets the win with a Contra Code/ Sliced Bread #2 off the ropes.

A fat dude introduces himself as Steve Girthy and gives a promo about discovering talent before he goes back to looking at porn on his laptop. Managers with no charisma, no look, and no mic skill are so indie. I pity the worker so bad on the mic they need this dude to step in for them.

Midwest Ground and Air give a promo and declare themselves American Ground and Air. Okay then.

The aforementioned American Ground and Air, Nate Bash and Benjamin Sailer vs. the New School, Jack Mecidol and Dustin Uhrich. Bash is the dreadlocked Air part of AG&A and Sailer is the pasty Ground. Jack Mecidol looks like Kid Romeo and has allegedly been given a tryout by the Fed. Uhrich has the build for his designated hitter gimmick, and by that I mean he has a gut. Both teams are pretty solid, though AG&A have obviously been teaming longer. Things go well until the Barrio Boys take out Sailer and the New School get the pin. Metro Pro is said to be
focusing on tag team wrestling and I could abide with more like this.

The AG&A give another brief promo and threaten the Barrio Boys. Can I just say that this is better paced than most wrestling I watch these days? Also, more logical. Wow.

The Main Event is Viking Warrior vs. Mark Sterling, Central States Champion. Viking Warrior is a pretty meh babyface, but Sterling comes to life in the ring. His promos are bad, but his ringwork is very nice. Dude works the fish hook and the neckbreaker like it is 1973. Viking Warrior has some limp offense, but Sterling is crisp and entertaining enough for two. No, really. A top rope thing fails and Sterling locks on the Sharpshooter to finish. Solid main event and I am now a believer in Mark Sterling.

A special shoutout goes to the announce team. The heel/face work was solid and I really dug how each guy brings a little flavor to the largely thankless job of face announcer and heel color guy. The mutual bagging on Iowa was a highlight of the show.

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

SMACKDOWN: WWE thinks you’re profoundly stupid

Saturday, July 24th, 2010

So last week I took the creative minions to task for just up and unmasking CM Punk with no build, no eyes toward a money PPV match, no nothing. Just blamo! Unmasked. Well, according to the Observer, it was by plan so they could just get rid of the damn mask and not have to program Punk into some sort of pesky match that gets build and draws fan interest. My bad. I totally see the logic in that.

This week, they did it again. Luke Gallows was supposed to face the Big Show, the guy who unmasked Punk. Yet it was a clever ruse! Instead Punk inserted the Masked Guy into the match instead, who was just up and unmasked like that. They got to work on getting some better masks, these guys. Todd Grisham and the fucking Teacher were like, “Hey everyone, it’s Joey Mercury! He used to work here!” Uh, what a dud this was. I mean, it’s not like last week’s thing because no one’s paying shit to see Mercury. But it’s another example of WWE creative (or more likely Vince McMahon) thinking you’re really fucking stupid and can’t handle having multiple masked guys on a roster without you getting them all confused. You know, it’s a bitch telling Rey Jr. and Punk apart with those damn hoods on their heads. And can you imagine if Alberto Del Esse Rios HAD come in as Dos Caras and had the mask?! Pandemonium, I tell you! Who’s who? What’s up? What’s down? Can you imagine if Epico and Hunico get called up? It’ll be a living nightmare. Or they’ll just be unmasked.

I foresee a “best of luck in your future endeavors” for Mr. Mercury this week or so, by the way.

So there was that, and then there was the stuff with Kane, your new world champ. I don’t really have a problem with this because that fucker’s been around for so long, done all this ridiculous shit, and suddenly started to put forth some of the most inspired work he’s done in some time the past few months. The guy deserves this. But I don’t see him or his reign being even a minor reason why people buy Summerslam (that would be the Nexus vs. Cena’s crew as your drawing card). No offense, but I just don’t see it. Had Undertaker been ready for Summerslam and came back to face Kane for the belt, yeah, people would have bought that. But I won’t hold that against him. He cut an opening promo (with that wacky horror movie music in the background, which is cheesy as all fuck) that actually sounded good. I bought into it, and he’s been really strong on the stick as of late. He promised to kill whatever fucker beat up Taker (which probably will still end up being Kane, though this is the perfect spot to build a new monster heel … which means it’ll end up being Kane for sure) and it was pretty certain he’d somehow work his way into our main event, a Jack Swagger/Rey Jr. best of three falls match. Can you imagine them booking something like this on Raw? Haw haw. Too Southern. Or something.

The Swagger/Rey match wasn’t too bad. Too bad they’ve really fucked with Swagger, because he should be a sure-fire top guy now, and he’s just kind of there instead. Swagger got DQ’d on the first fall when he refused to release the ankle lock after Rey made it to the ropes, so it’s 1-0 Rey. Eventually, Swagger did catch Rey in the middle of the ring and made him tap quickly to the ankle lock, making it 1-1. Man, imagine how fucked Swagger’s gimmick will be if Kurt Angle comes back. Of course, they also probably would have a strong program too. Yeah, so Rey, who actually remembered to sell the ankle (note to John Cena), won the thing with some flippy shit roll-up to get the win, 2 falls to 1. After the match, Swagger attacked Rey again, only to have Kane come to the rescue. Kane raised Rey’s hand instead of eating him, and so the match is on for Summerslam. Had someone told you last year at this time that one of the main events for this year’s Summerslam would be Rey vs. Kane for the title, wouldn’t you be a little worried?

I just realized, had they not totally fucked him up (and subsequently released him), Mike Knox would have been a good choice as Undertaker’s attacker. Would have made perfect sense character-wise.

Other shit! Looks like Dolph Ziggler will be getting an IC title program with Kofi Kingston, whose new ring gear is McDonald’s red and yellow. Ziggler won via sleeper after Vickie Guerrero interfered to end what was a bit of a disappointing match. That aside, I like this feud idea, and it looks like this could end up on Summerslam, or perhaps Night of Champions in September. Or maybe Survivor Series. Or whenever they get around to it.

Both of Del Rio’s taped promo were so fucking long. That’s the only negative going with these right now is they’re just too damn long. Still, good idea to bring these back. The next ones will be to build A.J. Lee, Ric Flair’s latest … wait, sorry, she’s a lady. See, can’t keep her and A.J. Styles apart. Too dumb, I guess. No, but WWE wants to wait until Del Rio’s promos run their course before hers begin. Probably wise. We’re all too stupid to keep them apart. I mean, a tall Mexican and a small lady? I’d have them mixed up within seconds.

Also, we might be getting a Matt Hardy/Christian feud, we might not. They tagged up and lost to Drew McIntyre and Cody Rhodes, a natural pairing if there ever was one. Oh, they did have an ultra-gay taped promo for Cody, so now I have him, Del Rio and that girl all confused. How am I supposed to keep this straight?! Yeah, Hardy accidentally hit Christian then fucking ate a kick from McIntyre to lose. There was peace this week between Hardy and Christian, but who knows where this is going? My guess is creative doesn’t even know. Maybe they’ll come back under masks.

OK, it’s time to go spend money and drink heavily. This week’s report was brought to you by Blood Revolt’s “Indoctrine,” possibly one of the most confusing albums of all time. It sounds like a total fucking mess, yet it’s awesome. Go get it when it comes out. And happy birthday to Sam, who I imagine will be in top fucking form when CTL does a mammoth taping in the hell box (that I hear now has A/C).

– Brian

Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

When life has no meaning, it’s time to review TNA

Friday, July 23rd, 2010

It’s been a rough few weeks.

Let’s make it rougher.

TNA. See if you can kill me.

The show starts off with Abyss in a Freddy Krueger Megan’s Law parallel universe where he jumps rope with young girls. They made him do it, he claims. They asked him to pave the way for them. It’s like he’s John the Baptist. But who’s Jesus?

Tommy Dreamer.

Jesus Christ, son.

Dixie Carter invited ECW. She invited them. Yes, she truly is an indy promoter. Because she thinks she can draw with guys who were on top 10 years ago. And she thinks she can draw with ECW guys.

Welcome to the fucking real world, Dixie.

There are no silver bullets for the werewolves that TNA faces. You have dug your own grave since day one. No one has listened to reason. You let Vince Russo be in charge. You brought in every guy in the world. You even let Hulk Hogan run the show and had the Nasty Boys, for fuck’s sake, in the ring in 2010.

Sure, go ahead and ask Tommy Dreamer to come in. He’ll cry. No one will poop. And the shambling corpse of ECW will be fucked, again. Crusty cum dried from repeated attempts at reviving that which should have stayed dead and wasn’t all that awesome when it was alive.

Man, I did not miss TNA. But I missed being this fucking worked up about something other than my 38 wasted years of this fucked up Earth.

This show is titled “Extreme Invitation.”

That sound you just heard? That was Jerry McDevitt’s cock growing like a giant Shogun Warrior as he prepares to sue Panda Energy, Spike and 5 Hour Energy (for the fuck of it, sue everyone).

Seriously, they just referred to these guys as ECW stars.

While true, you are going up against a sue happy company. Ah, what the fuck. TNA isn’t going to take yoru advice unless you are a Philadelphia focus group, a town that spends half its time debating which of two sandwiches is best while not noticing that their whole town smells like feces.

Jeff Hardy vs. Samoa Joe. For free.

Dixie Carter has been shown so many times in the first three minutes, I wonder if this show is sponsored by Glamourshots.

Meanwhile…

AJ is walking to the ring in Flair’s robe. Frankie Kazarian just threw up the Four Horsemen symbol. And somewhere, Paul Roma feels relief. Because he is now no longer the shittiest thing to ever happen to the Horsemen.

Rob Terry. Rob Terry is up and he’s coming out to “wrestle” AJ Styles.

AJ works like a face with a heel manager. And they say you learn nothing working in the indies.

They just made a point to say Hogan and Bischoff aren’t there.

TNA should just tape the real shit that happens. It’s much more interesting than the fucking shit that airs on TV.

AJ just beat Rob Terry. Because he needs a belt. And now he and Kazarian? Best pals ever.

Rick Rude Warrior Heenan finish. There you go.

Women backstage talking shit, because that’s what they do. I’m so glad Russo is writing shit again. That dude’s wife must be a real cunt for all the he-man woman hating going on.

Dude. Dixie Carter is in back bitching at agents. Does anyone know who these dudes are? Other than me? I mean, why the fuck are Al Snow and Simon “Fat as the Hope” Diamond on my TV?

Wow. Taylor Wilde? Her boobs have somehow become like, mo’ better.

I’ve missed TNA. But I have kept up reading about it. There’s some girl on a motorcycle and a bunch of other shit and Earl Hebner has the worst accent ever. It’s like a Southern accent with five cocks in his mouth, all furiously pumping so hard that his teeth explode.

I’ve watched 5 AWA episodes this week. They were horrible…but better than this.

There is some girl on a motorcycle which, you might think it’s Tara, but come on, swerve swerve and swerve, because that’s what TNA is. Good lord, beatdowns after every match. It’s like the worst indy ever, because I watch it and don’t even get a match.

Yes, I am watching somewhat attractive girls argue on TV. It’s like an MTV show with even less booking.

ECW dudes walk in. Here’s what’s wrong. Dreamer and Raven are buddies. There, I fixed it.

Kurt/Angle vs. Hernandez. Who is the face? Who is the heel? I am the broken record.

Tommy tore his MCL. Let’s keep that kayfabe, huh?

Did you know Hernandez did a fake Kurt Angle gimmick back when Mutoh took over All Japan?

They did a ton of falsies, but Angle seemed a step off. Maybe because the dude has had a broken neck for years. Not everyone deserves 293 near falls, Kurt. But yeah. Good match, Angle gets shit out of dudes who never have great matches. Why he is going to retire if he loses, well, you know. You don’t have to explain it.

Here comes Kevin Nash.

Wow, the commentary buries Hogan and Bischoff again.

And just like last time, Nash and Angle shake hands.

Nash calls out Jeff Jarrett.

In 2010.

And they think…

We actually want to see this?

So…

Commercial break.

I hate Jeff’s music. I hate his gimmick. I hate that he uses his daughters for angles.

Nash is great on the mic.

Jeff is not.

This is going nowhere.

I am only writing in single sentences.

The crowd is not behind Jeff.

Nash is great at being Nash. If Match Game was still around, he would be awesome on it.

That said, I don’t think he should be a wrestler in 2010.

He seriously is like a white guy who is as cool as a black guy. Honestly.

The guy killed WCW and I still like him.

I almost asked where this angle was going and wow, there’s Dixie again. Fourth time on the show. She should run back and forth and sell tickets and call everyone and ask what they think after the show.

She is an indy promoter. She just put over that she’s friends with Billy Corrigan on her Twitter. She knows people.

Yes. Samoa Joe. Jeff Hardy. For free.

Wait a second. Eric Bischoff is on the phone.

Joe is literally raping this dude. 9 billion galaxies.

This match really surprised me. I loved it, it built well and they both worked really hard. The crowd was not quiet the entire time. Taz did a great job in getting over the STF in commentary. I was totally into this match, just waiting to see the finish and how they would build to it and who would go over. And then, at thirty seconds left, they did the first time call.

Really.

Yeah.

Jeff Jarrett and Dixie, appearing for the fifth time!

Morgan vs. Anderson. It’s like someone wearing tie dye fighting a hipster with an ironic mustache having a fight about who is better, Vampire Weekend or Dave Matthews Band!

I can only hope that one or both of these guys does what they do best – hurt someone in the ring or hurt themselves.

You know when you simulate a match in Fire Pro and it just shows clips?

That’s how Quick Time played this at 8X.

It was the best thing about this show.

By the way?

Clean job. Matt Morgan? Not liked by nice girl Dixie no more.

And yes, TNA style, we have an attack after the match, negating the job. And a blade job.

TNA. You do what you do.

Beer Money. Machine Guns. Best of 5. Street fight. For free.

You sell 8,000 PPVs and give away PPV matches for free.

I look forward to buying TNA action figures at Big Lots.

This was a great match, again, but wayyyyyyyy too much for match 2 of 5. But you know. The agents are busy knocking out referees.

OK, I have learned all I need to know about Bubba Ray. The dude talks on his cel phone like a speaker phone all the time, the mark of a complete and total asshole.

If you don’t think the ECW guys won’t jump RVD, you haven’t been watching TNA.

Jesus, this TNA show took me over 3 hours to write.

I am watching this TNA angle.

I ask you again.

Who the fuck are the fucking faces?

Who are the heels?

Why would you invite a bunch of mid-carders who already work for you to be ECW?

Why does Dixie have entrance music with words?

Why can’t a cage door wipe her out?

I mean, it sounds just like Evanescence. That can’t be a coincidence.

Dixie’s sixth appearance. In the ring. Cutting a promo.

Oh, dude, this is just sad. This is just…sad.

Look, I’ll be honest. If you watch ECW from 1995, you will see Noah and Sam in the crowd of almost every show. Dead center, back row, right in front of the hard cam. Rey’s first match. Public Enemy. Shane breaking Pit Bull Two’s neck. Still alive. Nearly every major moment, we were there. And we fucking loved it. Loved every minute of it. And ECW died for a very specific reason. It had it’s time. This is just a rib fest without the sweet taste of ribs. This is five guys past their expiration date in a company that should have gone out of business years ago. Oh, if only Dixie Carter had been around when ECW was sending guys all over the place, working all over the country for no money. But now, they are burning through money like, well, only they can.

Religious groups are going to hold up pictures of this angle to ensure that preteens don’t get their unwanted babies vacuumed out of their now untight cunts.

Tommy is sitting here, comparing TNA to ECW. He has now lost any credibility.

Wow, this…this is killing me inside. It’s fucking killing me. It’s like God decided that wrestling sucks and that I am almost totally burned out on it and this…it’s like watching your ex-girlfriend fuck a whole bunch of dudes while she calls out your name and that makes it all better.

I could not hate this angle any more.

Tommy had his closure. But they brought ECW back. And now, he needs closure again.

No. You get closure once.

THAT IS HOW CLOSURE WORKS.

Someone yells, “Vince sucks.”

Tommy says, “Exactly.”

That’s why they gave you such a nice, classy sendoff.

He then starts crying like a fucking woman.

TNA wanted Paul Heyman.

When they realized that he was asking for very real things and had an actual plan that they would not be able to work with (and that could save the company), they decided to have their very own ECW PPV.

A one night show. One night of ECW. Tommy is begging for it.

They did this twice before.

ECW went out of business for a reason.

And you know, TNA…

So…

If you invade TNA…

You get your own PPV.

I am going to invade TNA.

I am going to invade it and bring good booking with me. I am going to make logical sense in every angle. I am going to fire almost everyone in the company. I am going to tell Dixie she is never allowed on TV again. If it’s so easy that Tommy Dreamer can do it, I can do it. Come on, fans. Send me to Orlando. I will walk in and take the fuck over.

I wish I could grow 10,000 arms so I could give this show that many fucking thumbs down.

Everyone who booked this deserves to have their testicles turned into kneaded erasers.
-Sam

Posted in TNA | 4 Comments »

Super Giant Ninja Superstars

Thursday, July 22nd, 2010

Welcome to a very special Superstars via Supergiantninja. First off, I am going to stay completely sober. No really. Secondly, I switched from Notepad++ to OpenOffice, so the spelling might be a little better. Might be. Thirdly, I am cooking dinner at the same time as I write this, so there is a chance that I will stop writing to stir the macaroni and cheese. So, um, yeah.

MVP starts the show, which is a good thing. Being partnered with Chris Masters is a better thing. I know the vaunted IWC has little regard for MVP, but he still entertains and does not blow too many spots. Masters is perhaps the most fun midcard face on the roster. The third man on the outside of the ring is the fantabulous Percy Watson. Percy is the Cho Aniki and Dan Hibari mash up of my dreams. The opponents are the Dudebusters. Three out of five ain’t bad.

MVP starts it fast and tags in Masters to bring the power offense. My toenails are painted hot pink. Masters has an amazing Flair chop. Croft chop blocks Masters, speaking of Flair, and the Dudebusters take control. It’s leg grapevine time! Dragon screw leg whip and the Dudebusters look good. Time for a big time comeback. Masters wins with the MasterLock. And I win with some mac and cheese!

It is JTG time. He manages to look less and less like the kind of hustler that sells drugs and more and more like the kind of hustler who sucks cocks. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Chavo is the opponent, which is a good thing. I do love me some Chavo. JTG gets the early advantage and Todd Grisham says ‘flava’. What was that I said about not drinking? Chavo wins AGAIN with the Frog Splash! Yes! No joke, I think JTG is getting jobbed out. Best part is, Chavo gets the deuce.

In another match I am excited to see, Yoshi takes on Primo! Did I die and go to midcard heaven? A n ad for the Elimination Chamber comp reminds me that I have never seen an Elimination Chamber match. Ever.

Yoshi brings the excitement to the ring. As much as I loved TAKA’s run with the Fed, I think Yoshi has already eclipsed him. Speaking of eclipsing, Primo is definitely the better Colon brother, though I miss Carlito. Lock up to start and Yoshi wins it. Primo rocks the sweep kick and this match is way to fast to write up. Let’s just say it’s good and slick and fast and you should watch it. Jerry Lawler is bitching about Kane’s title win, further watering down his character. Primo hits a new finisher, the top rope Backstabber to win.

The main is the Hart Dynasty vs. the Usos, who I have yet to see. Not to cop out, but damn the Hart Dynasty are good. Really, really good. Tyson Kidd is young Chris Benoit good. Yeah, I said that positively. The Usos are pretty athletic for Samoans, though they are pretty green. The mirror image aspect of both teams makes this interesting. Two teams with roots deep into the dark heart of the WWE with female managers with equally strong ties to Fed history. I take that back about the Usos being green, they just need to be squashing the holy Hell out of jobbers on Superstars every week. That would be entertaining. Amazing finish, with Kidd hitting the off the shoulders Hart Attack and a dropkick simultaneously. That is talent. I could seriously watch these two teams go at it every other week. Good match, great show!

Posted in Superstars | No Comments »

« Older Entries