Archive for May, 2010
In the battle of Gary versus Gary, we now know
Friday, May 28th, 2010Welcome to 2007 CTL!
Friday, May 28th, 2010http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=374530979
We are now on iTunes.
Every new episode will be posted and every episode from Episode 25 on is posted!
There’s only ever been a few better things to happen in wrestling.
Like this…
TNA: Jesus was on a cross for a day, so I can handle a few hours
Friday, May 28th, 2010Jeff Hardy is an enigma. He cut a promo that, at best, would be met with silence on most indy shows were he not Jeff Hardy. He comes out to ask Mr. Anderson what’s going on. You know, in real life, you just talk to someone one on one. When someone at work is an asshole, you don’t wait until the team meeting to call them out. No, instead, Jeff is wasting valuable TV time asking for a talk. Like a bitch. Meanwhile, in back, Generation Me want to do 97 new highspots. But like an author of a book on dung trying to get on the Tonight Show, they are bumped for Don Rickles. I wish. No, instead, we all have to watch Jeffy talk.
Mr. Anderson comes out and he’s stealing Dennis Leary stealing Bill Hicks’ material. A copy of a copy like a purple copy of a blue copy of a black and white copy of Heisei Ishigun. He even goes as far as to sing the asshole song on TV.
Imagine, if you will, that his whole gimmick was to sing Elton John songs and dress like Donald Duck and fuck dudes. If this was his gimmick, I would enjoy TNA more. Instead, he is copying Mick Foley book titles and doing standup that is over 15 years old. There’s no cure for cancer. Also, sadly, there is no cure for the terminally insipid piece of dreck shit boredom that calls itself TNA.
Just when I was slicing my wrists in my tub that has tile all fucked up, I heard GET READY TO FLY. Yes, your top heel has a song that gets you fired up to see him be a high flyer.
This all sets up Anderson vs. AJ for later, which sets up me playing Xbox by about 16 minutes sooner than I expected.
Ink Inc. vs. The Band vs. Team 3D was not for the title. I only know this because they never said it.
Kaz is evil now and fights Jay Lethal, who is not anyone else but Jay Lethal now, and AJ is all jealous. That’s an interesting angle that got rushed ahead. They could have slowly built to that, with Angle and Kaz both climbing the TNA rankings and AJ getting slowly jealous as Kaz got closer to him. Who would be Flair’s favorite? The tension of that. Instead…we have rushed and they already hate each other.
To the back. Shannon Moore is knocked out. Someone should do a statistic. How many times has TNA cut to the back and showed someone knocked the fuck out? Their locker room is like our old house in Mt. Oliver, where everyone would gather for PPVs, only to all be asleep by 9. Then, we discovered there was a gas leak. Just kidding. The PPVs of the late 90s were boring. We are looking back at them with love, thanks to the fucking clogged shit we watch today, but man. I fell asleep during every PPV. Then again, I fall asleep really easy and then wake up and yell, “Hayabusa!”
I also like to randomly yell shit at people. My new one has been to yell the title of the 1970s George Seagal movie, Where’s Poppa? at people. Just walk up to people. Random. Yell. WHERE’S POPPA?
Orlando Jordan has pasties of Abyss on his nipples. Last week, Abyss legit got cut open with a bottle. Yes, Spike won’t show a fireball, which kids can’t make at home. But smash a bottle and slice someone open? Fuck yes. I love Abyss. But if they asked him to cut his eye out and shove it up his ass so they would have a shot of a bloody eye looking out of an asshole, he would do it for TNA.
Sting has never been in WWE. But he does know how to answer a promo with a video package, proving he has what it takes.
Midget wrestling. Yes, I know. Anderson and Hogan talked. But the midget who once masturbated inside a can in the old Impact Nashville Fairgrounds is back on TNA. I am not lying. I have watched almost every TNA show. Even the old PPV shows.
Lacey. Midget. Fucking.
Hopefully, we can get Noah to review Half Pint Brawlers next week.
Jeff Hardy’s never met anyone like Desmond Wolfe. Wolfe’s never met anyone like Hardy. Jeff Hardy then breaks into song, to the tune from Aladdin:
Well Ric Flair had them four horsemen
Evolution also had four men
But Desmond you in luck ’cause up your sleeves
You got a brand of carny never fails
You got some power in your corner now
Some heavy ammunition in your camp
You got some punch, pizazz, white meat baby face keeps kicking out and how
See all you gotta do is take that twist of fate
And I’ll say
Mister Desmond, sir
What will your pleasure be?
Let me take your order
Jot it down
You ain’t never had a friend like me
No no no
Mister Desmond, sir, have a wish or two or three
I’m doing the job, you big limey boring nabob
You ain’t never had a friend, never had a friend
You ain’t never had a friend, never had a friend
You ain’t never had a friend like me
You ain’t never had a friend like me, hah!
If TNA was like Cop Rock, I would love it. They need to have a musical episode.
Matt Morgan. Angle. Joe. That’s all.
That’s all?
Well, you could say day. I’d say night.
You know, you could be like, this is black. I’d say, “Fuck you. It’s white.”
It’s always a game. But it’s just a shame.
That’s all.
That’s all.
What matches are at Slammiversary? Glad you wondered. Because I am typing this.
Doug Williams(C) vs Brian Kendrick – X-Division Championship
Because this is a hot feud.
Who is the face who is the heel why does Scott Hall have a job fuck Eric Young special offer match
Matt Morgan and ? vs The Band(C) – TNA World Tag Team Championship
Face vs. face dual chant let’s go someone yay boo match
Sting vs Rob Van Dam(C) – TNA World Heavyweight Championship
AJ beats Anderson by cheating. Beer Money comes out. Fight fight fight. Jeffy and Kenny shake. The world is happy, because their slow burn feud slow burned for almost a week.
That? That’s that.
-Sam
Presenting…Counting the Lights YouTube channel
Friday, May 28th, 2010Look for more videos soon!
Super Giant Ninja Superstars
Thursday, May 27th, 2010This week’s Superstars gets right to it with a JTG/Cody Rhodes match. Cody comes to the ring with a swank ring jacket and looks the part. JTG looks like he can see the future endeavor
train coming his way. JTG starts out quickly and takes control with some lame face offense. How bad is JTG’s offense? He can’t hit a backslide. The WWE might not be pushing ringwork like
most off the Internets would like, but not even they would give a sustained push to a guy who can’t hit a backslide. At least a medium sized black guy who can’t hit a backslide. Without
a tag team, JTG is a lesser R-Truth. The story of the match seems to be that Cody is smarter than the average wrestler and uses all of JTG’s flair against him. How odd to see a Rhodes
being pushed as some sort of evil wrestling genius, but he seems to pull it off. If the Fed wanted me to watch RAW, they would make Cody, Dustin, and Dusty a stable and have them run
roughshod all over the company. I can dream, right. JTG is back on the (shitty) offense when we come back from break, but Cody uses the ropes to take the advantage. Cody’s lack of moronic
tattoos and lack of kneepads mean that he stands out. I still don’t get the TriForce boots, though. Cody kicks out of two finishers and JTG hits the world’s worst neckbreaker. Crossroads
finishes and I am slightly amused. On one hand, Cody Rhodes is really hitting his stride. On the other, JTG is sucking hard.
Yoshi Tatsu comes out to the best musicin the WWE. His opponent is one of my favorite Superstars workers, Primo Colon. Primo might be a jobber, but he’s fun. Primo takes an early lead some
quality heel work. Lawler questions how Carlos Colon feels about his heel son. Seriously? Carlos is just happy that one of his boys is working in the WWE. I will miss Carlito, but at least I
get to see Primo dominate Yoshi. The real question is why Yoshi is on RAW? Primo hits a sick legdrop. Camel Clutch! No, really! Watching a jobber rock the Camel Clutch on another jobber in 2010
makes my day, for sure. Yoshi takes control with some nice striking and almost picks up a deuce with the Shining Wizard. Top rope spinning heel kick to finish and I get more of Yoshi’s music.
I really wonder if management is missing out on a goldmine with that kid.
Replay of Michael Cole and Bryan Danielson from NXT. I liked it, but I see why some people don’t. It cracks me up how similar this storyline is to the relationship between pro athletes and
sports reporters. It doesn’t hurt that I enjoy watching Cole play heel.
Speaking of irony, here comes Evan Bourne. Sam and I had a short discussion about how someone like Bourne is not that interesting because he has no character. I’m not saying he has no
charisma, just that there is no reason to cheer him. I wish the WWE would learn some lessons from Street Fighter II. Every fighter has a reason to chase the title, but they also have a
reason to fight a few other competitors, too. What is compelling about Evan Bourne? He’s a good looking guy who flips around. Sorry if that does not set my heart aflame.
His opponent, Zach Ryder, is the opposite. Zach oozes guido sleaze and everything he does in and out of the ring makes me believe he is a scumbag.
Either way, Evan has nice looking kicks. In all honesty, the combination of terrible commentary makes it hard to even watch the match. Someone needs to remove the King, by hook or by crook.
Bourne tales Ryder down with a nice hurricanrana, but Ryder regains his feet and control before the commercial break. Ryder’s clothesline is JTG bad. Ryder counters a crucifix into a Samoan
Drop thingy on the ropes. Why on Earth do Cole and Lawler prattle on about Divas and I zone out. Lawler calls Evan “Matt.” Shooting Star Press misses, spinning knee thing hits, and Zach wins.
I need a nap.
Raw is Late!
Thursday, May 27th, 2010I watched Raw. Twice. But I just don’t know what to say about it. It was the same thing RAW always is. Moments of why we once tuned in every night without fail, cleverly packaged in poor comedy skits and well made-video packages. Brett hart is GM, which is a good use for him. But why not have him abdicate his freshly won US title? Why just have the commentators mention it? And why, from a storyline perspective, still have guest hosts? What will Ashton Kutcher, as a powerless figurehead, bring to RAW next week that it was lacking?
Batista hobbled down the ramp and got into a wheelchair in a ring… to quit. Rest up Dave, that stuff kills your filtration system. Why not just have a chair in the ring?
Sheamus kicked Mark henry to get a spot in a 4 way title match pay-per-view-a-PALOOZA. I capitalized the last part to add excitement for a PPV. The WWE should try that at some point.
Ladies tag match. It existed.
Miz took the title by beating one guy who wasn’t the current champ. Way to bring value back to the belt.
Tag team match. Everyone was confused at the end. Now I know that if i show up in tights and just enter the ring, there isn’t any security or anything to stop me. Act like you are supposed to be there and no one asks any questions, even if you have a clipboard of program notes.
Edge/Cena/Jericho. Cena fights to keep those two out of the match, the outer two are trying to get a spot in it. I don’t quite get Cena’s motivation, but I will let it ride. It was a little better match than I expected. Kinda planned out, whacky super-indy at times, but i would rather see that than slow plotting WWE TV matches. Surprisingly, they did what makes sense and had Edge pin Jericho. Then all four people in the four way are out and they all stare at each other in a “latent homosexual desire” kinda way. Really, Orton needs to spend some time in front of a mirror and work on his expressions.
Yeah, not much in the tank this week. I apologize. Just nothing really got me this week, either good or bad. Just… Tepid.
-Ryan
What’s It Like to Be In the Ring: An Evening of Wrestling
Tuesday, May 25th, 2010Some of you reading this may be in a locker room with me from time to time. If not, this is pretty much what a show is like.
I hate Friday shows. I work all day, so my energy level is low. Plus, I’m fat. So I am constantly in a sloth state of apnea. That said, I have decent enough timing that no one ever notices, other than to say that I’m slow and plodding. So maybe they do notice.
Anyways. Exhausted. I got a phone call before the show that my match is a double DQ. This advances my streak of never having a clean finish in my match or doing a job – the whole way since October. My goal? Never pin anyone again.
I hate double DQ match finishes. They don’t work. We don’t have TV. We do a show every other week or so for the same 50 fans. That said, you know, it’s hard to build heat and have interesting finishes.
Sometimes, I get creative. This week, I was too creative.
The finish I wanted was for my opponent to go for his top rope legdrop finish. At the last second, I would pull the ref on me to block the move. Awesome. Yes. As the ref’s chin went into my lung and I blew up, I said, “This is fucking great.”
Those ECW pull aparts? Yeah. They look awesome. They also blow you the fuck up. Add in a non-air conditioned building. Add in a ton of dudes grabbing you. Have someone assault your lung. Then, see how good your pull apart is. I was embarrassed at blowing up. I felt like I let the fans down. I hate feeling this way.
I want to be better in the ring. I love coming up with finishes and putting together matches. As of late, I’ve disliked every match I’ve had in 2010, other than a match with Troy Lords that he carried me in, post pneumonia.
In other exciting news, we had a pay cut.
Please, go put your life on the line for less money.
I’ve done shows where I’ve been in ring four times a night and still, a pay cut. It’s insulting. I don’t blame the booker. And I shouldn’t talk out of school. But the fact is, everyone there works hard. I wish the company would work just as hard to get fans to come to the shows.
To be honest, I feel like sometimes I should just quit wrestling. I’ve done everything I set out to do. I’ll never make it in WWE or TNA. It’s just fun. Sometimes, it isn’t fun and it gets depressing. And the post-show hanging out seems forced and lame so many times.
Maybe I shouldn’t have argued so much. Maybe I shouldn’t have been such an asshole at times. But I am who I am and here I am in wrestling. I still love it. I feel like I have a lot to give. I just wish that I had a way of showing it sometimes.
Episode 34: True or Chewbacca
Monday, May 24th, 2010
Will Noah be able to know who got let go from WWE? Or does he not know any wrestlers?
That’s what our new game, True or Chewbacca is all about.
It’s another exciting CTL.
And next week…
Noah’s birthday show.
You can also download it here:
http://www.countingthelights.com/Episodes/show34.mp3
Smackdown: Boring is money?
Saturday, May 22nd, 2010I’m thinking your PPV go-home show isn’t supposed to be this boring. I don’t run a professional wrestling company or anything, so how would I know, right? But here I am, in the middle of the afternoon on Saturday, and I keep nodding off during this shit. The only thing jarring me awake is Matt Striker and his fucking bullshit.
I don’t see this being a very long report. Why should it be? Not like me writing about it is going to make this any better. I’m listening to the new Yakuza as I write this. Liking it. That’s one of those bands I never got terribly into, as hard as I’ve always tried, but this record might be the one to turn me around. Fuck, this thing’s awesome. See, I’m already talking about music. Maybe I should do that instead and then just say this and that about the wrestling, which was lame, dull, sleep-inducing. I have CNN on mute, and they’re interviewing Victoria Rowell, who they call a “former foster child.” Isn’t she, like, still one? Not a child, but she was fostered. So she still is, right? It’s not like she turned 17 and her real mom and dad swooped in and were like, “You’re not a foster child anymore! But write a book anyway!”
So Smackdown. I just couldn’t give a shit. Swagger/Show? Don’t care. They’re booking Swagger like an asshole. The character’s being built, and then Show costs him a match with Koofey Johnson. Why? The man should not be losing. Show also thwarts a Swagger attack at the end of the program. So, you’ve basically given the people zero reason to even want to see this match. I don’t know that a main event has ever has interested me less than this Swagger/Show shit. No way Show should win the title. Which means he probably will.
We had more Drew McIntyre, including a face to face with Koofey that could not have been more scripted and could not have delivered in a more wooden fashion. I have mistyped just about every word I’ve typed so far. Ever have one of those days? Just fucking every word, underlined in red. So Drew fights Show, it basically sucks, Swagger runs in, attack thwarted, no one cares. I read somewhere the veterans don’t want to work with McIntyre because he’s a head case. Whatever. I wouldn’t want to work with him because he’s boring. And that’s tough to do for a Scottish fellow.
The best thing on the show, no surprise, is the CM Punk stuff. He’s gold. He and the SES inducted three geeks, then after Rey pissed off Punk, they beat these fuckers into the ground. Later in the show, Punk and Luke Gallows lost to Rey Jr and MVP. Totally fine. Punk should win Sunday anyway, so get Rey his win now. This is the only part of the show I even liked. Anyone who doesn’t think Punk rules as a heel can suck it.
Other shit: Vance Archer and that other fake Edge guy teamed up, and their gimmick is they have a 30-day contract to impress the WWE Multiverse. These guys are the runny shits. It’s an HBK/Diesel rip-off, if the original ideas sucked the balls. I hated this. I don’t want to see them ever again. Oh, I have an idea! They should use Bryan Danielson as the guy who comes out and kills bad gimmicks. He shits on them on the mic and then buries them with kicks and submissions. And that’s all he does. As soon as I finished typing that idea, I hated it. I now hate that idea.
Michelle McCool and Layla El continued this co-champion bullshit. You know what? I hate this idea so much, I’m done writing about it.
In fact, I’m done writing about this week’s episode, period. If you missed it, you missed nothing. Erase it from your DVR. I’ll try my best to get a report up next week, but it’s going to be a challenge, it being wedding weekend and all. The week after, June whatever that is. If anyone’s down with filling in for the week, go for it. That’s two weeks from this week. Do it drunk and listen to metal while you write it. Those are the rules. I’m going to go do both right now.
– Brian
Fake Comments About Fake Wrestling
Tuesday, May 25th, 2010Hey, CTL people. This is Sam. I wanted a column name to post all my various wrestling thoughts and rants that don’t make it into my TNA report. Here you go.
Last night, Rikishi’s kids and Snuka’s daughter took out the Hart Family on TV and not a person explained to us who they were, why they were there or how they somehow came down the aisle in gear.
I wear wrestling tights when I wrestle. Guess what? When you wear them in public, you stick out. They were there for a reason, those Samoans. Reasons never explained.
To me, what makes a universe, if you will, as the WWE Universe is a shared fictional reality much like the Marvel or DC Universe, is a set of rules.
If we can assume WWE has those rules, we can infer that:
The way to a WWE contract is to appear on NXT first.
These guys? They came out of nowhere, attacking the Unified Tag Team champions, and now will have a title match program with them.
If we also follow those shared universe rules, title belts should be earned by the best. Instead, we have two teams of little experience having a match over titles that were held by many people and, at one point, used to headline in the company’s main arena, Madison Square Garden.
Nobody – and I mean no one at all – talks more shit on TNA than me.
That said.
WWE has had some of the worst errors in logic over the past few weeks.
Miz loses the belt to Bret. Bret just decides to give it up and have one match determine who wins it.
Randy Orton wins a match over Batista when both of them are too injured to wrestle.
Daniel Bryan.
Let me reiterate – anyone who thinks Daniel Bryan will get over kicking Michael Cole’s ass should go book for TNA. I watched it and it didn’t even come off as a man-like, Vader bullying ass kicking. It looked like two girls kicking one another.
As for NXT, they should just pick Wade Barrett and Justin Gabriel.
I should put headers between thoughts, but if you ever talk to me, this is pretty much how I talk. I jump topics a lot.
Bruno was on Wrestling Observer Live and was talking about watching TNA. I would love to watch TNA with Bruno. In fact, I have a great idea for a TNA show. They just show the normal TNA and every week, invite someone who knows a lot about wrestling to comment on it. Like Kevin Nash. Just let them shit all over the product. I’ll watch it every single week.
You know, or they could be the opposite of WWE. Sports oriented, almost like a UFC with high spots. Real characters that resonate and people can get behind.
Because right now, they push someone for a week or two, then turn them. It’s like a company of Lex Lugers. But even Lex didn’t go from face to heel this much. I mean…TNA gives up on ideas in the same week that it starts them. It’s kind of amazing.
I’m sitting here attempting to think of one thing I care about in wrestling.
-Sam
Oh and Technorati? YW2DXMABX8BQ
Posted in Fake Comments | 13 Comments »