Counting The Lights

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I want to quote Lance storm here to open this RAW Review:

Simplify the Product: Not every match needs to have an angle. Wrestlers are professional fighters they can be booked in matches just because it is their job. The angle or motivation for the match is that if they win they make more money and if they win enough they get a title shot. Simple angles can be spun from matches and their results, not everything needs to be a storyline. Fewer segments and focusing on one or two main angles per show will make for a far more effective and memorable program.

This is probably why I love the draft show every year. Wrestlers sometimes wrestle because it’s their job. Pretty basic motivation. Then, you can have one or two angles get the spotlight.

We open with MizShow v. Hart Dynasty. I liked the mic work on both ends, even if Bret doesn’t have the best timing with his pauses. But the dude had a stroke, and it was well written. A good match, but you knew that MizShow was losing because a) there was a pretty good chance that they were going to get drafted apart, and b) Miz needs to be free and clear to have AmDra challenge him for the US title. A decent, fluid match. The HD would be a huge tag team if the WWE cared about tag teams anymore. After the match, Miz takes a good punch from Big Show to end the team.

Chick match for a Diva draft pick next. Three heels and one face. One of these things is not like the other. Predictable infighting leads to the loss and Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly (why? Cuz she’s Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly…) is moving to Smackdown. Lawlor comments and reminds me of the one thing I hate about the combined brand shows… the commentary. Do we really need to have such stupid infighting between the announcers? Are all announcers petty, immature assholes? I mean, I am, but are all of us?

Punk vs. Bourne – Beating Evan Bourne in the WWE is no big feat anymore. I think they actually sell victories over Evan at the Merch booth for like $15. No one really believed the Fed would put Evan Bourne over, did they? These two have a decent little match and Punk gets the duke and Big Show goes to Smack down.

Holy Crap, Burger King has an Iron Man suit? HOLY CRAP!!

WE come back with a skit where Teddy Long is intimidated by Big Show. Show tells him they are cool, and Teddy does a little dance. You know, because all of the Superstars Dance. Like Teddy Long. And R-Truth. And Tony Atlas. Notice a pattern? That’s right, they are all green.

Little Promo where John Cena does his comedy/quick turn into intensity thing. It’s kinda psychopathic. Goofy comedy and the main is set. “Looks like Mayo with a Ketchup haircut” is a good line to describe Sheamus.
Battle Royal. Good use of most of those guys. Rey is in this because he is really banged up, and he still has to bump to the floor. Santino is there to remind everyone that Ted DiBiase is a heel. Morrison, R-Truth and Edge to Raw, complete with a good minute of R-Truth doing that shaky, jonesing for certain crystalline tropane alkaloids dance that he does. Guess they couldn’t get him to sing Mammy while he had the stick.

Jericho comes out and cuts a promo, almost in tears, about Heath Slater. Slater comes out to answer, throws Jericho out of the ring as Christian comes down the ramp. .Chris Jericho vs. Christian is next, and I didn’t really have a problem with the match until the finish. These two have worked with and against each other a thousand times, they should be able to deliver a good match. But what move was Christian going for when he dove into the codebreaker? Good exposure for Slater, not sure why Wade Barrett wasn’t there as well. I will say that they aren’t wasting shine on Bryan of Otunga, who are already over. They are using TV time to get the other guys over. Give yourself as good of a crop of new guys as possible.

Smackdown gets Koofey, who comes out and attacks Jericho… for no real reason. Hell why didn’t Koofey have a match tonight?

Swagger v. Morrison. Again, a good showing by two competitors. I think Swagger needs to do a few more suplexes (you know, the kind they don’t actually do in amateur wrestling) to get over his “legit” persona, but I enjoyed this match. Outside of the woman’s match, decent showing all around. I was pleasantly surprised to see that the WWE was smart enough to put Swagger over. He is the champ and he did just beat Orton at the PPV, so WWE logic says job him out on RAW. But Koofey gets the win, and Smackdown gets Christian. I hope the stare down puts Christian in the title hunt against Swagger. I can hope, right?

In the locker room, Ted Jr is propositioning people with more melanin in their skin to be his lackey. Wow. I am surprised he didn’t offer R-Truth a bucket of KFC and a 40 of O.E. before starting his pitch. Troof pins it down for us: Ted is looking for a Virgil. They can resurrect that joke now that Cody is gone. R-Truth fakes like he is interested, they slaps Ted and adapts a 20 year old punch line. Think R-Truth groaned as loud as the rest of us when he read that?

Ziggles v. Hornsqoggle. Stupid WWE-style comedy. Count out win sends Jericho to RAW! Then Ziggler gets … his… heat back… by putting a midget in a sleeper? At least he can claim he put out the last remaining member of DX.

Main Event and Sheamus v Orton gets “v Batista” added to it. Big stupid match all set up to swerve the internet marks who read that Batista was done and they weren’t booking anything for him. Batista gets the interference win and the fluke win all in 3 seconds.

Hate to admit it, but it was one of the better RAW!s i have watched.

-Ryan

Brian missed Smackdown. Jake has missed some NXT. Me?

I’m up at 2:20 AM watching Smackdown.

Jack Swagger is out to do a promo. Back in the day, this dude would have a manager. Also, they wouldn’t have him doing jobs while he held the world title. And just like that, the next match is Morrison beating Swagger clean with his finisher.

I’m all for building up guys who can beat the champ. But. Um. He even took Swagger’s finish and won. And Jack just lost to Undertaker on Monday.

There is a draft tomorrow. Not that the brands matter. They haven’t for so long that it’s ridiculous to be mad about it. There are better things to be mad about.

R Truth and Matt Hardy vs. Dolph Ziggler and Avatar McIntyre. His music sounds like it can kill a crowd dead. And it has. It has! I can’t wait to annihilate this guy on the new Smackdown game. Matt Hardy has a concussion so he loses. It’s good to do angles about concussions when dudes worked with them and it may have led them to depression problems. If only Matt had puked and pooped his pants at the same time/ That’s what happens when I get a concussion.

I do not but Drew McIntyre. At all. At. All.

I do, however, buy Wade Barrett. The guy has such a total package and fits in so well with Jericho. I would love to see Regal, Jericho and Barrett as a heel team.

Another thing I don’t care about? Neither JTG or Shad. I don’t care about them feuding, either. But Mike Knox? Dude got decent. Now he’s gone.

A bunch of ladies. An ironing board. Forced makeup. It was like a John Waters movie, except it sucked.

Finally, Mysterio and Kane (remember when he kept saying he killed Rey and was walking around with his mask and they made a big deal about it?) fought the Straight Edge Society. They did a nice ending and then set up the hair match. It would have made more sense to have mask versus hair, but you know. No one will ever believe Rey will lose his mask. So Punk putting it up is something. I could see these guys work a whole bunch of times. It’s cool. Whatever stipulations have to happen.

There you go. Smackdown.
-Sam

Oh no! All of RAW is stuck in Ireland! What on Earth are we going to do?

The answer is apparently “try to hastily write skits and promos” instead of putting together some matches with your available talent. But who am I to judge? Oh yeah, that’s right, I am your audience. I get to judge this stuff. Even better, I get to complain about it in a public forum from my bully pulpit. I am that special.

Thus, we open the show with an extended comedy promo featuring HHH and Punk. Punk made reference that maybe HHH should consider stopping his use of drugs. Expect to see Punk in IWC soon!

The cast of the movie you have only heard of on RAW, MacGruber, are hosting the show… in character… despite having WWE stars in the movie who are now here on RAW & are not in character. Kristin Wiig and Ryan Phillipe and Will Forte. Just use their real names. Otherwise, the whole god damn paradox just explodes in our faces. Honestly, do they mention this movie on SNL? There are 2 active SNL people in the movie, plus some alums, but do they mention it at all?

Also worth noting is that Will Forte, who wrote the script and plays the title character, is listed fifth on IMDB. You wrote and started in the movie, and you get billed fifth? No wonder RAW wont let you go by your real name on the show.

Bunch of sketches. Whole lot of not very funny sketches to help promote a comedy movie. Interesting marketing ploy. Promos sent in from some studio in Ireland? Because we need to know what Cena and Sheamus are thinking while waiting for a plane! THE DRAMA! THE ANGER! DAS STURM UND DRANG!! GEFAHR!! AKTIVER VULKAN!! AUFMERKSAMKEIT! WARENVERKÄUFE FALLEN!!

Uh… sorry. Where was I?

I was going to say it took them over an hour to have a match, but I forgot that i fast forwarded over the Drew McIntyre/Matt Hardy match. I honestly can’t stand Matt Hardy. Dude is just broken down and can’t really move like a human being, much less a wrestler. Nothing exciting, nothing technical, just Matt Hardy trying to get his “spots” in. I will watch him if i really like his opponent… thus why I skipped Drew McIntyre.

If anyone wants to review that match, leave it in the comment field and I will transfer my favorite to the main page. You can be bitter and sarcastic, just like all of us at CtL (except for Deek, who is the ray of sunshine amongst us dark clouds.)

Koslov takes on MacGruber, which quickly becomes a handicapped match… with one contestant walking out of the match. So really, it’s just an excuse to get Kali into the match and Will Forte out, not a handicapped match. Get the terminology right, people.

A certain person appearing on this episode of RAW and Sam once had a conversation about the laws of probability, and how nothing really has a 0% chance. Thus, they figured, every match has to be someone’s favorite match they have ever seen. There has to be some kid that watched Orton v. Legacy and absolutely loved it and will put it on a pedestal forever. That kid is probably “special,” as the Southerners say, but really the “special” make up a good part of the wrestling audience, so I am not judging.

Based upon this theory, there was someone just out there just waiting for that Koslov/Great Khali in a wig match. Someone has been waiting and hoping that this would be on RAW someday. Whoever you are, I hope you really and truly loved it.

Also, Khali is in the movie, but not as Khalubar. See the paradox you have created, WWE writing team!

UT answered Jack Swagger’s open challenge. While I would normally say a pointless match if it isn’t for the belt and it buries Swagger, I get why it happened. You have a whole arena full of people that you completely switched your advertised card on. You need to placate them, and having UT make a rare RAW appearance is a good way to do that. You can’t have him wrestle just anyone; you need to have him fight someone pretty high in stature. HHH would be great, but then you can’t use him to sell another match on the card. Swagger is that right mix of title holder and cannon fodder that makes this a good match up. Not a bad match, but Swagger could learn a thing or two from UT about how to sell throughout a match.

Finally, sXeS/Jericho v. HHH/619/Edge. YEAAAH! People we know their catchphrases for! We can chant spear and 6-1-9! YEAAAAH! Impressed that they had Punk do the job instead of Gallows. Smart little swerve.

It was a throwaway show. Reviewing it as a real episode of RAW seems kinda unfair.

Then again, so does sitting through it.

-Ryan