Why the fuck does Eric Bischoff want Abyss to take his mask off?
We must ask this question.
Why?
It seems to be really important.
Why?
Flair and AJ set up the whole match versus Abyss and Hogan on the first Monday TNA. I love that this whole angle makes the WWE Hall of Fame bigger than anything TNA can ever do. I mean, even their ring, just their ring, gives super powers. It’d be like Target telling you you get $200 off when you wear a Wal-Mart shirt Into their stores.
Team 3-D. Nasty Boys. Blow off. Jimmy Hart. Jesse Neal. Jesse Neal? Incongruity.
Mick Foley in Eric’s office and well, yeah. Too much. Too too much. Foley came off like a chump here. Everyone does around Bischoff and there’s never, ever any payoff for him looking so good other than he looks so good.
Daffney versus ODB. Daffney loses all her matches by DQ. You know, I’d let her hit me with a toolbox, too. I’d let her hit me with every single tool in that box.
I have no attention span and when they have a match going on and a promo at the same time, I often wonder which screen I should watch. I bet you fans at home feel the same way. To be honest, I hate having my attention split.
Also, Tara comes off like a heel when she talks. I have no idea why she is a face. Except they told me that she’s a face.
Daffney’s broomstick shots at the end were horrible. Comedic. I love her. Stop talking bad about her.
The DNA and the Mexican Super are partners and guess what, they don’t get along. If you use the wrestling that he writes to analyze Vince Russo, here’s something: two people can never get along for a long period of time. One person always wants something the other doesn’t, so any relationship is doomed to failure. Come short, come tall, come one, come all. Matt Morgan continues…doorblasting!…his reign…that’s who we are, that’s how we do…of…line ‘em up, we’ll knock ‘em down…his reign of abject stupid catch phrases in promos.
Beer Money promo. I will do my own version. A year ago, we had a vision. A vision of talking shit on wrestling and saying stuff about porn and piss and getting really fucked up and making podcasts. You can sum up what CTL is all about in one word: pride.
Good lord, I have no idea what this promo is about other than that Beer Money has been around when it was shitty and now that it’s less shitty, they want their just due. And catch phrase. And Super Mex. Big Super Mex. 37 years young. Youngster sensation. He wants a shot for these guys, I bet Morgan says no, they argue, blah blah blah. Talk talk talk talk talk. Let me write up exactly how Hernandez talks: “I’m gonna go straight to hulk hogan offish and at detinasion ecchs, i’m gonna ask for a title shot. (pause) fah beer mon yay! (MUSIC HITS LOUD) Wahyah to wahyah may best tag team win.” Yes, no one taught these dudes that you don’t shout over the enrance music.
Nash cuts a decent promo and then Eric Young gargles the same words back at us. Fuck this.
And then they cut off Nash’s promo with a graphic as we went TO THE BACK.
Seriously, cues, guys. Cues.
TO THE BACK.
Jeff Jarrett in Faded Glory (I buy ‘em too at Wal-Mart, but I am not on an internationally televised professional wrestling program) stalks about. If I didn’t know anything about wrestling, I’d turn the channel right now. Actually, I know a fuck of a lot about wrestling and I would change the channel, but I illegally downloaded this and I can’t turn my laptop. Bischoff has the same phone I have in my house on his desk. They don’t broadcast an internationally shown TV show out of my house. That’s all I’m saying. And now, we get a Bischoff versus Jarrett video package. Show me. Show me anyone that gives a fuck about this angle. Show me the one person that this makes tune in. Show me that person. I don’t think they exist. And I believe in the Loch Ness Monster, God and Bigfoot. But I do not believe that even one person in the entire fucking world wants to watch a show devoted to Jeff Jarrett. The last 7 years of TNA have proven me right. And holy fucktard, we’re doing three segments in a row about Eric Bischoff and Jeff Jarrett. Are they getting this out of their system before they go on Mondays? Because this against Raw, I shudder to even imaginize the numbers breakdown on that one.
There are kids starving somewhere in the world and TNA gave pyro to Jeff Jarrett.
I have said that line before, but that was the most I have ever meant it.
Swerve, swerve. Bischoff is still an asshole. Unlike Pablo Picasso.
Now, Jeff is gonna go back to catering. At least TNA has catering. The crowd? They don’t care. Until they gave Jeff a hairnet. That got heat.
TO THE BACK. Morgan lecturing Hernandez. He said “It is what it is.” Good lord, he’s like an executive at an ad agency.
Kazarian versus Brian Kenrick spells F-A-S-T-F-O-R-W-A-R-D.
No one else is watching this match. They’re chanting back and forth.
This show got a 1.1 I could get a 1.1 if I had two hours on Spike. Do you realize that? Also, at 9:53 AM on a Saturday, I have started to drink because of this show.
Mr. Anderson just told me to fast forward this segment. This is the first time I have ever liked him. But, you know what they say. Funny does not equal money.
The best thing ever: Anderson is doing a promo and Angle uses his special entrance elevator to sneak up behind him and kill him dead. I’ve watched it 100 miles. So amazing.
For some reason, Anderson inexplicably starts talking about Vietnam. I must go back to a much better man than I to compose my reply:
God damn you! You fuckin’ asshole! Everything’s a fuckin’ travesty with you, man! And what was all that shit about Vietnam? What the FUCK, has anything got to do with Vietnam? What the fuck are you talking about?
Best Rob Terry match ever.
You want fries with that, Slapnuts?
TNA is run by a woman unlike WWE, so the sexism does not exist.
Trying to decide whether you want Eric Young or X-Pac to win is like trying to decide if you’d rather have piss or shit thrown at you. There’s no real winner. Thanks for showing up in your pajamas, Shawn.
That was the most ridiculous idea ever. Until Bischoff shit on Raw, which actually does well. This show is the Bischoff shits on the world show. It’s kind of, again, like working at my ad agency.
They are going to send Mick Foley to an etiquette coach. Just like 1998 all over again. It’s like the last 12 years in wrestling never happened. Wow. Just wow.
And wow. Desmond Wolfe could not wear anything gayer. Other than coming out to Hogan’s old WWE music. Oh Abyss. Will they now call you Ssyba Sullivan?
Good fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck and fuck. Hogan did what I can, at best, call in shuffle in and it looked like, well, it looked like Adam West, that’w what it looked like. Rudy Ray Moore is a more realistic combatant. Fuck me funny, that was awesome. Hogan even got the juice, because, you know. Red means green. No gaga, brother.
Why the fuck is Hogan bumping Flair already?
Why the fuck does Aj act just like Ric and come off as a carbon copy?
Why the fuck did Desmond Wolfe get picked for this angle?
How did Abyss use a ring to break handcuffs?
How can anybody care about Ric Flair after a former Waffle House waitress beat him up and he had to call the cops?
Let me say it again so everyone out there hears me:
This is a TNA angle predicated on a WWE Hall of Fame ring.
OK?
What. The. Fuck.
WHAT.
THE.
FUCK.
Every night is the biggest night in TNA history. Every night. Hyperbole. HYPE PER FUCKING BOLE. BOLY.
When we go big time live, guys.
And Mike Tenay says, “Holy shit. This is how you take over Monday nights.” And he talked over Hogan the whole time. The whole time.
TNA. Never has a company deserved to fail so badly.
-Sam
I pop for the elephant door.
