Counting The Lights

The show started with Mick Foley, who is not fired, coming out to confront Eric and Hulk. Didn’t Foley get fired last week? Who cares! Cross the line!

Bubba and Jeff Jarrett are best friends now! Didn’t they have a show long angle last week where they had heat? Who cares! Cross the line!

They’ve started another named tourney for the number one contendership. Samoa Joe and Bobby Lashley both have future title shots too, don’t they? Like fuck they do! Cross the line!

Desmond Wolfie-D beat Val Choppy Choppy Your Pee and not a smart mark was limp. They came into they hands, using piss as lube, and they rubbed it all over their faces. Also, somewhere in here, Mr. Ken Anderson did a promo and my headache began.

AJ Styles was with Ric Flair, who is the oldest ride in the park with the longest lines, and what is amazing is that for as bad as AJ is at being Ric Flair, that’s how good Ric Flair is at being Ric Flair. Maybe if the models were not so modelly, AJ would be more into this. I see him going for women who watch Little House on the Prairie marathons.

The dude on the Observer site said: “There may not be a more underrated wrestler in the world right now than Daniels.” Yeah, that’s why they had him main event two shows. What the fuck ever. I see it the opposite way, overrated. So there. Bah.

Nasty Boys. Team 3-D. Blah blah blah blah blah? Blah blah. Blah blah? Blah blah! Blah? BLAH BLAH BLAH!

Bobby Lashley got fired by Evil Eric. Remember, TNA makes more sense once you realize there is a good Eric and a bad Eric. WHy fire him when you spent weeks getting over his character and his wife and oh, fuck it, to the back!

The Beautiful People did a promo and had a nice match with Tara, Kong and Hamada. I was like, wow, a nice little match and angle. I bet they send out Angelina Love. And they did. You know what TNA is? You know when you finally get a girl to stop being mad at you and you apologize and say everything you did wrong and you finally get her calmed down and it seems like shit will work, then you throw in one more thing and it fucks it all up? TNA is you in this situation. For fuck’s sake. Less can be more.

What followed was a blur of angles. Let’s see. Earl Hebner screwed Bret and he screwed Kurt/Ange and Hogan is his friend, brother, times nine and Earl is gone and Flair and AJ with some models and Bubba and Foley and Foley doesn’t need this as he’s set, which buries the whole angle anyways, and Kurt/Angle came out and apologzied for spitting on Hogan and Hogan’s music said “Wrap it up, B,” and then Hall and X-Pac beat up Kurt/Angle and then they were kicked out of the building. Whew. Water, please.

Again, I can do the same in the next match where the Machine Guns and Kendrick fought Generation Me and Amazing Red and they did a ton of high spots but Kendrick sneaked in and beat Red but guess what it didn’t matter because the British Invasion came down and cashed in a briefcase and Doug Williams won the belt and the British Invasion were all very cross at one another and no one ever wants to see them feud, so just get along guys, please with crumpets.

In other stuff, I would rather watch someone take a shit than ever see Mick Foley on Impact again. Or him and Bischoff. Ugh. Double up ugh ugh. And then he became good Eric and got in Flair’s business. Maybe good and bad Eric are in the same person? The mystery deepens.

Mr. Anderson and Jeff Jarrett are twins. I care equally as much about both of them, which is totally not at all. Fuck this match. Bischoff watches from in back and is pleased, so pleased.

Oh, TNA. You confuse me so. You try and make sense and you fail at every turn. You fire guys and they are still there. You exist in some crazy world, like where ants come out of peoples’ hands and people drag dead carcasses, pianos, the Ten Commandments and two priests across a room. You are dada as wrestling and sadly, you give me a migraine.

-Sam

Before I even watched this show, I got texts. Emails. In person questions. Brian referred to it as a death knell. Troy Lords was so excited to tell me about it. But no, I waited, I watched and now, I am ready. I am ready to review TNA.

Reviewing TNA is, for me, a very complicated process. First, drugs are involved. And then drinking. And then more drugs. Then, I watch the show once straight through. Sometimes, this takes three or four attempts as I either fall asleep or throw my laptop across the room in disgust. Then, I watch it a second time. And finally, I sit down on the toilet, take a long, painful shit, and write about TNA.

We start with a really cool recap of a really pedestrian PPV, Genesis. And yes, TNA still titles every show. This one is called: “AJ Styles….Whooo!” First off, I can tell someone is a fucking idiot if, when they use ellipses, they use four periods. This, and this alone, keeps me from talking to many people online. It almost kept me from watching this show. And yes, let me come right out and point to two problems with the new Hogan TNA.

1. One of the few homegrown TNA acts that is over as a babyface is AJ Styles. He can’t talk. He has awesome moves. And people love him. Me, I’m kind of put off by the Horsey Sauce and X-Box backpack. But whatever.

2. RIc Flair is over as fuck and will never really be a heel again. Also, he is at his best doing promos in front of a live crowd.

If you would have AJ turn heel and Flair not do a promo for almost three weeks, then congratulations on being part of the new TNA. You have truly crossed the line. The line where on one side, ideas come from common sense. And the other side, where ideas are magical unicorns that dance and prance and occasionally penetrate your asshole with their stupid fucking horns.

Hogan. AJ. Angle. Flair. Models. Talking. Mick Foley throwing around bar stools. It’s amazing how much better TNA is when you hit fast forward. Imagine, again, having to watch it three times like me.

British Invasion versus Morgan and Hernandez. Foley hits people with chairs.

And then.

AND THEN.

A minute long Bubba the Love Sponge Jeff Jarrett interview melange. Is my soapbox ready?

OK, here it is. Ahem.

TNA is run by the same people who ran WCW. They have all come together. And WCW was run by working the boys as much as the public. Everything became a work and everything became a lie and no one could believe one thing or the other. This is one of the many, many reasons why this company eventually went down the toilet, leading to wrestling being in the horrible shape that it is in today. Last week, Bubba said some things about Haiti. Now, I don’t agree with all of it. I do agree that we have tremendous problems in our own country, but a lot of times, it looks better for people to do charitable things that are more in the public eye. The Bob Shamrock bio in the new Observer made me choke up, because that guy really made a difference in people’s lives. And you would maybe have never heard about it if not for Frank and Ken. That said, Bubba said some stupid shock jock shit. And, true or work, Amazing Kong knocked him the fuck out. She quit. He won’t be used. She screamed, “This is for Haiti,” when she hit him. Now, if it’s true, whether or not it’s justified, if I walked up to a dude at work that said something dumb, well, first of all I’d have to hit people every minute of every day just to keep the stupid at bay. And I’d also get fired. Now, if this is not true and is a work. bravo to TNA. Bravo for using the tragedy in Haiti to exploit a wrestling angle. Much less! MUCH LESS! An angle that will not draw anyone a single fucking dime. Way to go, all around. I’ve wasted more pixels on my bile for this situation than I would have liked to.

Nash. Hogan. Bischoff. The Band is acting like assholes. You know, this whole angle makes no sense. In reality even less. You have Scott Hall, who is not in ring shape or under contract, getting more TV time than number one contender Samoa Joe. You have Scott Waltman out there and he’s not under contract either. And match after match, Hogan says it’s not working. Bischoff says it is not working. And at times, Eric is a face. Other times, he’s a heel. I think there are two of them. Yep, that’s right, I think that there is an evil Bischoff twin running around TNA. Good Eric knows and he’s been covering up for bad Eric all these years. Bad Eric knows that and loves making a mess. This is good Eric’s last shot and bad Eric just does not give a fuck.

See what I did there? I wrote a better angle than TNA will in the history of their entire fucking company.

Pope vs. Orlando.

Behold the laziest entrance video in the history of entrance videos.

Where did they make this? In one of those Make Your Own Business Card machines at a mall?

Orlando wins. I don’t care. Parity booking when it does not matter at all. Who the fuck is either one of these guys? Why do they have heat? Who should any of us care?

These questions – and less – will not be answered on TNA today.

Beautiful People feud. Lashley in back with Eric. Bubba and Jeff. Fast fast fast fast fast forward.

The Band gets kicked out and Nash is in a bad position. No one wants to se Nash and Hall feud and yet, they will. And yes, the fucking Nasty Boys have a job in wrestling in 2010. And they get jumped by the Dudleys. And anyone who thought Eric Young was going to keep his high position in this new regime is wearing a hockey helmet and masturbation furiously in the corner.

Who are the faces? The Band or The Nasty Boys? One would think Nasty Boys are the heels. Oh, Vince Russo and your world where there are just shades of gray and no one really gets over as a result.

I loved Abyss mocking Ken Anderson behind his back. That shit was great. Too bad I never, ever, ever want to see these guys in a match again.

After a PPV where it was Kurt/Angle’s last shot in 2010, he gets a shot the next week and they do the Montreal Screwjob to him, with him even spitting in Hulk Hogan’s face. Again. Who is the face? Who is the heel? Why should we care? What should we want to see happen? How is AJ even walking after being in the Angle Lock for so long?

Kurt/Angle yells that this is bullshit, that he does not need it and that he could go back to WWE. Well, that’s one way to get a new company over, by constantly comparing it to the company that, while shitty, is much less shitty and does a better job, well, not always, at getting stuff over. It’d be like Wolverine bitching to Professor X that he’s going to join the JLA. We know he isn’t. It comes off as stupid.

The crowd chants, “You screwed Bret.”

Amazing. Bret is more over in TNA where he has not shown up than in WWE where he has. Then, Kurt/Angle worked a match with Mike Tenay’s office chair. 19,291 stars. Now, Mike/Tenay has to stand up for the rest of the show. And he does, as bad Eric walks out with a big cut on his head and fires Mick Foley. That’s what would happen in my office, too.

In my dreams, Bischoff and Hogan would have had minor roles on TV. Talent would have been evaluated. And we would not be doing WCW angles all over again. But yes, here we are. Here we are, getting to see the director of TNA on YouTube telling the crowd to settle down. And as well, fuck the TNA crowd.

In fact, I am going to share one of their forum posts with you:

Hey guys. I’m one of the hardcore TNA fans who you see regularly on iMPACT! and TNA PPV. You probably recognize me as the guy who wears a shirt and tie to the shows.

I’ve seen a lot of posts claiming that the biggest thing wrong with TNA right now is us, the loyal fans in the iMPACT! Zone.

I’d like to give you a little perspective on things. There is a group of about 12-20 of us who are at every show we can attend (Collectively known as the “Crucial Crew”, which is why you see us throw up the ‘c’ hand signal). And we DO NOT like the direction this company is going. Therefore, we express our displeasure in hopes that management will listen. Why? Because we LOVE TNA, and will not stand idly by while it gets raped by Hogan and his boys. If we were season ticket holders for a sports team, this would be expected, would it not?

Last night at Genesis was a major event in the growing war between the TNA loyalists and the Hoganites. I can tell you that very real battle lines are being drawn within the organization, and the conflict will get a lot worse.

Again, we LOVE TNA. So when a man who built his career and reputation on WWF Sports Entertainment comes in, changes the things that make TNA unique and basically tells us that the TNA model is broken and that “the smart marks in the front” (read Hogan’s IGN interview) don’t matter, aren’t representative of mainstream America and so should be ignored- Yeah, we’re gonna be pissed.

Last night was remarkable in that for the first time ever a TNA producer came down into the pit where we stand, grabbed my friend by the shirt and actually threatened to ban us from the building if we didn’t stop with the “vulgarity and the negativity”. From reports, this heat came directly from “Dixie and Terry who were pissed that we didn’t put Morely over during his match with Daniels. Are you kidding? This happened during the Pope v Wolfe match, and totally killed the crowd. If you were wondering why the crowd was so dead during what was a great wrestling match, that’s why.

Here’s the thing though… We’ve become friends with a lot of the wrestlers, and they all love our energy, enthusiasm and passion, and have and continue to support us. The production crew, who takes heat directly from the top, HATE us, most likely because they are all afraid for their jobs.

Also, all of the Bubba Army idiots and other Hogan marks are now in the iMPACT! Zone and act like the complete tools they are. Oh, but THEY don’t get scolded like 5-year olds, even though they are the most offensive people there.

I saw hundreds of people walk out on the show last night, something i’ve NEVER seen at a PPV. Things are getting weird. Hopefully, Bischoff and Russo are smart enough to use this tension to create compelling TV, but from my perspective, it seems like TNA is dying right before my eyes.

Want some compelling TV? Wait until the entire pit revolts and empties into the ring on live TV. The way things are going, this is not altogether inconceivable.

Rest assured, the Crucial Crew will fight to the end for the TNA we know and love!
You’re friends with the wrestlers. Really. Really. Fuck you. Fuck you in every pore of your body. This was the gayest, lamest, stupidest thing I have ever read. And I work in advertising. My migraine is even worse from reading it and I am stupider for having read it. I am going to invent time travel and go back in time and kill every one of your fat, ugly, acne ridden retarded mothers before they can give birth to you. When I come back, the world will be exactly the same, because you live in your parents basements and watch TNA and can never get dates. And seeing as the defining moment of your lives is going to free tapings at TNA and posting on internet forums, the world will not have changed at all. How sad is that? How sad that I can remove you from the space time continuum and it does not matter. Dude, here’s an idea. Go raise money for Haiti. Or be a Big Brother (actually I don’t want these dudes around kids, fuck that). Do something meaningful with your life. Because fighting for the TNA that you know and love is like defending my right to eat shit. Sure, it’s nice to have that right but at the end of the day, shit still tastes like shit. They throw up Crucial Crew gang signs. I can only hope that every one of these kids is gang raped in prison and then forced to fight Sean Penn with a pillowcase full of pop cans.

Fuck this shit.

-Sam

I missed chunks of this because, well, I watched a feed. Until TNA pays for my PPV or I get a lot of subscribers like Dave and Bryan, we will have to deal with this.

Regardless. You don’t read CTL for details. You read it for the dick jokes.

They started off the show with a 4 sided ring. Fans were mad. Bischoff said, “Tough shit.” I like this man, for some reason. Tough shit, indeed.

Amazing Red beat Brian Kendrick. And no Don West with Red. I call bullshit, that was one of the few things they did that got over. Instead, Don West is working the merchandise booth on the road. Red wins, Spanky already is meaningless, guys can just get shots their first night in a company. This is supposed to be some massive revolution and a new way of thinking and not what wrestling is today and it’s exactly the same shit.

They baited and switched Hall and Bobby Lashley’s matches. But you know, I love Kevin Nash. No one will remember he did the job here and he did it in a way that it didn’t matter. At all. And gets him over more because I want to know if he’s mad at Hall and X-Pac more than I care about what happens to Beer Money next.

But here is why this is Thunder2K10. They spent a shitload of TV time on Lashley. And now, he’s done, son, just like that. Knocked out, an MMA guy knocked out when that should mean something and the dude who does it does the job in the very next match. You wasted TV time getting him over and his wife over and boom, done. Just like, if you wanted rid of the six sided ring, do it first night. Not now. Now doesn’t matter.

Shawn Morely beat Daniels. Good match, but sucks to be Daniels. At least he made the PPV. I’m looking in the direction of Hamada, Kong, Joe, Scott Steiner. Ah, well. The crowd hated this with a good reason of passion.

So anyways, I’m watching the PPV and get a message to call someone at home. It’s one of my ex-wife’s friends. She just got a kidney and pancreas transplant. I found out days after. Like several days. And not to try and call or email, because some dude has her phone and computer. Who is the guy she lives with, which I knew about but no one has ever come out and talked about. You know, OK, you may not know me that well, CTL fan, but I have moved on. But still. It’s fucking weird to find shit out like this days and days after. That said, things like this are a real good reason why when you see my matches, I take chairshots without bumping. Because I can take retarded shit and keep smiling like a fucking shit eating retard. Anyways. Back to TNA and not the poorly booked life that I have. It’s not bad. I am just weirded out. Like reality has past me by.

ODB lost two straight falls. Morgan and Hernandez won the tag belts. And then Desmond Wolfe’s match went on and numerous times during this match, Giant Pharaoh and I said what the fuck. It was bad. And yet, Meltzer put it over. I guess it’s all about where you come from. OK, I am also coming around as I write this recap and am less weirded out. The Mercyful Fate is helping. Anyways. This match was slow and just…I think this pure wrestling stuff is great, but not in front of a populist crowd. It looks fakey. It just is poor in my opinion. The running up the turnbuckle shit that Desmond does is stupid. And here I realize that all the X Division guys are cruiserweight WCW era parity booking. You can win and then you’ll give a win back to someone else and no one will end up really getting over at all.

Borash off TV. Also, Michael Lohan kicked his girlfriend in the cunt, so I heard. Wow. I imagine he did not slap his leg to get a better sound.

We already discussed the Band versus Beer Money deal. So we did time backwards. I wish I could, too. I would do things a lot different.

Abyss versus Ken Anderson. I hate Anderson. Despise him, see no upside at all. The crowd realized what I already knew several minutes into this match. I don’t always like the rest of the world being on the same page as me, but fuck it. The world can be on the same page as me on this. And Abyss, well, the dude will do anything for TNA. So there you go.

The main event was good. I like dudes taking one another’s finishers. I like Flair being with AJ. I like the finish, it has long term written all over it. I will say a few nice things about TNA and this was one of them. As for the rest, I am reminded of a Made Out of Babies lyric: You’ve said this a hundred times. Each time you said it louder. And more boring.

I wish I had something really inspiring to leave you with about wrestling. I wish the world wasn’t the way it was sometimes. I wish that shit could just all make sense and people could be who we want them to be. And that when we need things, like someone or wrestling to be good or well, just about anything, it doesn’t always work. But we do this website and we try and make wrestling better, even in little places. Maybe we’ve made you enjoy it just a little bit more. Even in a world where the Nasty Boys have a better job in wrestling than dudes who are killing themselves and ECW is a bunch of generic people coming out to fake metal. I mean, sometimes, you look life in the eye and you want to just say fuck it. I watch wrestling a lot and say, wow, I wasted my fucking time. And other times, I feel so in love with wrestling and the world. Tonight, and maybe it’s not all your fault, TNA, I feel kind of hazy on the world ever making sense.

But yeah. The main event was good. Would have been better shorter. I just don’t like a company that has so many dudes that some dudes don’t even make a PPV. Over dudes weren’t on the PPV. Just seems weird. Then again, there is a chance that Shawn Morely will work Samoa Joe soon and that would be fun. But I think I’ll expect too much. I always do.

-Sam

Generation Me were the Young Bucks dressed like the Hardys. I almost shut this thing off at this point, but I decided to stay with it, and it wasn’t bad. It was spotastic, but still, fun and tight and a fine opener. Except for the fact that they did a thousand near falls. But you know. It was what you’d expect, but maybe a smidge better.

This show is called “The Band.”

Nasty Boys. Team 3D. Hogan promises a big star and it turns out to probably be Mr. Kennedy. That’s how you lead, take the guys the other company has no interest in. Angle. AJ. Talk. Tomko debuts and does the job in the first night, but attacks AJ after, meaning neither of them gets over. Yes, as much as there is change in TNA, there is not change. I mean, if there was change, they would just get rid of the six sided ring first show instead of waiting for the PPV.

Beautiful People vs. Hamada and Kong. Hamada is hurt but fuck it, she still showed up and she’s gonna work. Angelina Love came back and this turned into a feud. To the back, as they say.

Seriously, I thought it was Deek and not Tomko. I thought Deek finally started lifting weights with his dad. Somehow, Tomko had videotaped promos throughout the show. I liked the one where he said AJ didn’t know his role. AJ was world champ before and after he teamed with Tomko. The biggest success Tomko has had has been being Christian’s bodyguard. Somehow, the dude had the money to hire a video crew. And film vignettes. That’s the only way I can say, yeah, well, or they knew the surprise all along.

Nasty Boys. Team 3D. Lethal Consequences get killed by Lashley. Then Team 3D. Who is the face? Who is the heel?

Val Venis. Chris Daniels. Movies. Talking. Arguing. Porno. Punches.

Hall. Nash. Beer. Money. Hernandez. Morgan. X-Pac. Stuff. Things. 37 year old young people. 50 year old late to the taping drunk heels. Sting. Rafters.

I think the short writing style really helps.

Samoa Joe lost to Desmond Wolfe and several smart marks killed themselves because they couldn’t figure out why they were happy, yet angry at the same time. Then, they realized that they had been wasting their time watching TNA and they took their lives. Me, I watched this on the net later. During TNA? I was having quite the evening. Quite the evening, indeed.

Jarrett is now a full heel. As much as you can be a heel in the Russo universe. But he got gyros last week. I like how he proclaims how hard he works. You know, I could work hard at being a mechanic and the car still wouldn’t run. Therefore, I am a shitty mechanic. No matter how hard I work at it. I really wish Russo had kept his Twitter page up. Amazing. I imagine him getting gyros all over his stupid fucking gay magician looking face.

Flair. Styles. Tomko. Stuff. Things. Finishes that get no one over.

Yes, in their first show after the big debut, TNA did a bunch of stuff. Stuff that I did not care about. Jeff Jarrett and Hulk Hogan in a feud in 2010. Who the fuck am I kidding? I will still watch this show every week and comment to you on it. I mean, it’s got Shawn Morley. Spanky. Mr. Ken Anderson. And other dudes WWE has no fucking want for, being pushed like they mean something. It’s kind of…yes, it’s just like being at a fucking indy show and I don’t even have to leave my couch.

And now, as I type this, I am watching the stream of the PPV. I could ask God for help, but He knows that I hate myself and put myself through this.
-Sam