All of these worlds are yours, except Europa! Attempt no landings there.
-Andy
Archive for December, 2009
A very special wish for the New Year!
Thursday, December 31st, 2009GGGGGGGGGGG
Thursday, December 31st, 2009Fuxk it. I am drunk and love ylu, CTL. yeah, that;s a fucking comma. oH, MY turn to sign. Sandwiches
2009 draws to a close…
Thursday, December 31st, 2009We started CTL on Valentine’s Day 2009. This is but the first of many years of CTL, in my opinion. It’s pretty much rekindled my love for wrestling and given me something to write about every day.
2009 was a rough year to be a fan. Here are just some (I am certain I missed some) of the wrestlers that died this year:
“Playboy” Buddy Rose
Andrew “Test” Martin
Captain Lou Albano
Umanga
Cousin Luke
Abismo Negro
Gladys “Killem” Gillem
Mitsuharu Misawa
Ted Tenabe
Waldo Von Erich
“Dr. Death” Steve Williams
Mike Labelle
It’s always sad to see these and I’m certain that this is by no means a comprehensive list. In fact, I wouldn’t like to even make one.
That said, I am thankful as CTL closes out it’s first year that we’ve all grown closer as friends, learned more about wrestling and people like Jake who I was close to met and became close to people like Brian.
In other words, five fucking rainbows.
Here’s to 2010. And January 4, 2010, the first ever unedited TNA drinkathon podcast!
-Sam
Sad and happy.
Wednesday, December 30th, 2009Happy birthday to Deek.
Sad day for wrestling fans, as Dr. Death died last night.The world has stopped turning.
EC Dubless W – 12/29/09
Wednesday, December 30th, 2009The last ECW of the decade for a company that peaked in the late 90s.That’s a sad indictment of what I am watching.
Finlay fought Matt Hardy at the start and hey, I thought we were getting to see Matt versus Evan Bourne in a battle of the superjobbers. But I was wrong, wrong. This match was a blur that was hard to watch it moved so fast. Oh, wait, I had it on in fast forward. Christian teased some heat with Matt and Matt won and there you go.
Ah, Ezekiel Jackson is Guyana. That explains the accent. A horrible segment of screaming, quoting the Book of Ezekiel and comically wacky strikes from the big Russian, who Noah says sucks too bad for even him to like. I doubt that.
Evan vs. Mike Knox. Noah said, “If you picked Evan Bourne in Smackdown, I’d pick Mike Knox. So this makes sense.” This match was also fast forwarded Evan wins. We watched a whole house show of Hillbilly Jim commentary and Noah did not take one sample, even during a midget match. He’s become numb to samples.
Tatsu, Dudebusters, Golddust, Japanese. Noah translated what Golddust said in Japanese: “I can’t wait until you guys get sent back to Tampa and my dad shits all over you on commentary.”
Tommy Dreamer had all his gear in back. Like old jackets, old gear. We were hoping he’d wear suspenders. But no, he just had a slow motion match with Zack Ryder. The dude on the Observer site gave this three stars. First off, who the fuck is he to give star ratings? I get it from Meltzer. Bryan, too. But can everyone just arbitrarily pick star ratings? Don’t you need some seasoning? And why was this three stars? They did a few nice falsies but that was about it. Tell you the truth, I just watched Piper vs. Rude in a cage from MSG in 1989 and it was more than three stars, but I don’t feel like I can honestly give star ratings. Anyways. Tommy retired, cried, cried some more, hugged his kids, they showed Beulah (this was like a porn moment, as I was so worried when Debi Diamond came back this year that she’d ruin the goodwill I had for her and she lived up to her older self. Beulah, maybe…not so much.). Tommy put over a bunch of people and his kids and cried and then he cried. Seems like he’s done for 90 days, which makes this emotional goodbye all the more carny and fake. Not as carny as Jesse Ventura cutting promos on 9-11 (that said, I agreed with a lot of his points and think it’s great that people are at least discussing the fact that our government lies to us in public forums, even if it is disinfo a lot of the time), but carny nonetheless.
Noah then said, “He’s passing the torch to Ian Bourne.”
Noah kept asking me if Rosa Mendez owned ECW. Noah asks me when every blonde girl is on, “Does she own ECW?” Noah has no idea who the women are, even though he watches Raw and ECW with me every week.
That seems to be a good place to end this.
-Sam
we get searched again
Tuesday, December 29th, 2009
Who besides me is looking on Google for Thundercrack? Seriously, the German porn star who was married to Yoshiaki Fujiwara? 5 people were? Besides me? I am pleased that people are looking for Tom Magee and find us.
-Sam
A Raw Diet: Raw is Wow, Timbaland is Fat Again
Monday, December 28th, 2009How does Randy Orton have the power to book matches? I just tuned in late and…dude, what the fuck? People are getting kicked out of Legacy and Randy Orton is threatening people and Noah just texted me the title of this review and Sheamus went through a tabo. Jericho is outside protesting. Obviously, dude is from Canada, because he does not need a jacket in Hartford.
Yes, Raw is certainly War. Today, Sam was working on his credits and working in an empty office. Tomorrow, Sam is in court for a traffic case. But tonight? Raw is most certainly war. And I most certainly cannot watch this show sober.
Evan Bourne is fighting Ted DiBiase Jr. and yes, here we are. Guess who wins? Guess why there’s no heat? I mean, what does one even gain by being in Legacy? Nothing. It’s not like you are getting kicked out of the Horsemen. And wow. Evan Bourne is dead. Just dead dead. He got killed deader than dead. But back to my point. What does one gain by being in Legacy? A clubhouse? A car? Whores? Why should we care?
Yes, tonight, a WWE title match. After a table bump. Favors the face. Uh huh.
It is a new day. It is a new generation. It’s Cody versus WSM Mark Henry in HD Red.
An eerie pall over the crowd. It’s called no heat for those playing at home.
Cody wins and um, yeah. And DX. And girls backstage. I wish Raw fast forwarded at my house. Also, DX and Big Show and partner of his choice.
Hornswoggle killed the girl that sings and Timbaland liked it. At this point, I enjoyed FCW better than this.
Also, I may fall asleep at any moment.
Por qua. Eww wee. Por qua, son. POR QUA.
Wow, is this new Taco Bell like a dude trying to buy a burrito like it’s drugs? Because I endorse this from Taco Bell.
ECW Homecoming. They should change the name to ETC.
This just in. Big Show and Jericho are/were gay. In case you didn’t get it.
Now, Vince is on. And smart marks everywhere, they just woke up. It’s time to set up the big angle. Vince is walking out like a complete maniac. You can say what you want about Vince, but the dude is entertaining as fuck. His show isn’t. But he is. And this angle has been pretty great so far and HBK just came out. Interesting stuff. Actually stuff you can watch. Wow.
Haha, man, what a great swerve with HBK wanting Undertaker at Mania.
Other than this segment, this show has been…
But next week, Bret. But guess what we’ll be doing at CTL?
LIVE MOTHERFUCKING PODCAST, SON. LIVE TNA PODCAST RIGHT AFTER THE SHOW ENDS. NO EDITING AND PLENTY OF BOOZE.
Shaemus just unthought the wing and beat the pisstard out of Cena.
That said, no one knew who Bret was. Awesome.
Timbaland. Women. All the black dudes. PSP games. REALLY. REALLY. REALLY.
Oh my God, Michael Cole, I hate you more than I hate Vivid 80′s porn. WITH CONDOMS.
Miz vs. Koofey. Do work, son. Miz pretty much laid it out there that he fucked Maryse. This made him a babyface in my eyes. Por qua? Por qua. If Koofey wins, he gets a title shot right away. Um, that’s kind of like fucking Koofey because he has to win twice and Miz has two chances to beat him…don’t think. DON’T THINK. SOS.
Logan Shulo just tried to convince me that Koofey’s music says: “SOS I ear dem Shelton!” He says that it’s all about Shelton in his song. Dude, you just knocked him out. Pin him. Pin him now.
Logan also just tried to tell me that there is a mandatory 3 minute, 30 second rest period between falls. DON’T TRY AND BRING LOGIC INTO MY WRESTLING. Have I taught this kid nothing?
Good lord, 33 more minutes of Raw. It’s like wishing you could make a girl you have decided mid-coitus that you hate come. It goes on and on and on.
DON’T INVEST IN ANYONE. RANDY ORTON JUST SHOWED YOU. DON’T GET BEHIND BABY FACES.
This should get heat. It doesn’t because Koofey will never get his heat back.
Matt Hardy. Evan Bourne. They both do lots of jobs. But who is the bigger jobber? Find out tomorrow on SyFy! King of the Jobbers Homecoming!
Wow, Chavo with Big Show. Really. Yeah. That’s what’s happening.
After this match, Chavo will be twittering to tell you that it was a work.
Oh, so that’s why Chavo was in this, so Hornswoggle could get involved.
Dude, umm…Jericho already lost and didn’t leave Raw. Do you think next week’s stipulation will work? It’s like me saying if I screw this job up, I get fired. But somehow, I stay at work. Actually, at my old agency, there was a lady that did that and they kept giving her smaller and smaller and weirder jobs until she was getting paid thousands of dollars a year to be in charge of first aid.
Timbaland is out and as over as I would be walking out. Actually, less, because some fat mark might know who I was. This is not bragging. It’s me saying how under Timbaland is.
OK. Ready?
BOTH THESE GUYS WENT THROUGH FUCKING TABLES AND GOT BEAT UP AND ARE GOING IN HURT AND NEITHER ONE IS SELLING IT. WAT. DA. FUK. TO THE BACK FOR FUCK’S SAKE!
I mean, Sheamus is just standing there. He went through a table. A tabo.
It’s on and no one is selling and it’s orange versus pink.
Wow. Even I think that finish was bullshit. I just spent time watching a house show main event. Now Sheamus is selling?
That’s how Raw goes off the air, with Cena attacing Sheamus and then getting kicked in the face. Raw is TNA!
I have no more words to waste on this fucking shit.
-Sam
World Class Christmas Star Wars PART 2!!
Monday, December 28th, 2009Christmas is over? No, it’s not! Not according to WWE Classics it isn’t. The Russian Orthodox also disagree! We’re back at the “glamorous” Reunion Arena for the second installment of Christmas Star Wars (game?) from the glamorous year of 1985. I am sitting on my couch on my glamorous Christmas vacation to bring you the action, so let’s GO TO THE RING (I have not been drinking).
First up, Texas heavyweight champ THE GRAPPLER and Kabuki face off against Brian Adias and “Movin’ and Groovin’” Iceman King Parsons. Can a man have more nicknames? Mark Lowrance says no fucking way. He also reminds us that St. Louis is the “gateway city.” They should have billed Gino Hernandez as formerly being from there. Now … ONTO THE PROFESSIONAL GRAPPLING! Bill Mercer informs us the the Grappler is caught “in a sandwich,” which makes me no longer hungry. I also am mashing the shit out of the keys as I type this. I have spelled almost every word wrong inadvertently, so it’s like I wrote this thing three times. I’m going to go get the mail as we’re in the middle of a Kabuki headlock. Funny that I did this, because I got a huge package from Retroactive Records (anyone? anyone? me neither) and one of the discs Liberty *N* Justice features a song that combines the skills of Def Leppard’s Phil Collen (HE HAS BOTH ARMS!) and Chris fucking Jericho. Amazing. See the perks of being on a hundred metal labels’ mailing lists? I just looked at the Liberty *N* Justice bio and they’re dubbed “melodic rockers with a message.” They also are deemed Christian yet have the dude from LA Guns on here. He fucked a lot of ladies and did a lot of drugs. AND CHRIS HOLMES OF W.A.S.P.!! WHAT?! I love the contradiction. There’s also an album by a band Saint called “Earth Crime Scene 2.0.” We’re not done with that 2.0 stuff yet I see. They’re compared to Judas Priest and Iron Maiden. I don’t buy this. Oh my, this is what they look like. I assume I’ll be forgiven if I never take this out of the shrink wrap.
Tuck that T-shirt in, dude standing next to the guy with the enormous bass guitar!
Oh shit, the match. Sorry. Adias gets the pin over the Grappler. I heard something about a shoe. Chris Holmes, damn it!
Now, we have the America’s champion “Ravishing” Rick Rude (who interrupts and confused Ralph Pulley, who deserves it after his ridiculous rendition of “God Bless America”) against Lance Not-Really-Von-Erich. Girls shriek anyway because they’re Texans. They trade slaps, which Mercer calls “eye for an eye,” yet sadly I didn’t see anyone’s eye come out. Wow, this match isn’t very good. There also appears to be a “faggot” chant, unless I’m hearing that wrong. Ah, Texas. Not much has changed since, has it? And good Lord, we get a DQ finish in Not-Really-Von-Erich’s favor. Bullshit.
Oh, great, a segment on the Missing Link babyface turn. And his potentially non-sexual connection to Sunshine. Wow, we damn near got a serious upskirt shot. Thankfully we were spared, because I hate vomiting. She wasn’t attractive. Not sure if that point got across. She then cuts a promo in the back. Wow, she’s unattractive and cannot really talk very well. She says Missing Link had a bad childhood and went from foster home to foster home. I THOUGHT HE WAS A NEANDERTHAL SAVAGE! I hate you.
Now we have the match to end them all. Jack Tatum and Missy Hyatt against Scott Casey and Sunshine. Great. Missy looks horrible, and her tits are the size of babies. She also has some serious CT. Not sure where Sunshine bought her clothes. She’s really not attractive. It’s a true mixed tag where ladies fight ladies and men fight men, and blah blah blah. Missy and Sunshine not-terribly-hot tag and brawl badly. Oh, it’s only temporary. There’s more? Mercer just said, “Sunshine just exploded on Missy.” Three rainbows. Casey is throwing the world’s worst forearms, and I’m bored. Wow, I can’t believe these guys weren’t bigger stars. That’s sarcasm. By the way. A fucking abdominal stretch, more fucking bullshit, a match that’s going a hundred years longer than it should, and Casey finally gets the win over Tatum. Missy attacking Tatum, they show people in the audience with questionable attire, and it’s TO THE COMMERCIAL. Or it would have been. We mercifully wrap this up. Why do I wax nostalgic about this company again?
– Brian
Super J Cup Fifth Stage
Monday, December 28th, 2009This past week was the fifth Super J Cup and I’ve been watching it and well, I’m underwhelmed. Everyone has been discussing Koji Kanemoto vs FUJITA Jr. HAYATO as a match of the year candidate, but after watching it, I saw it as a match that was just there. FUJITA moves really, really weird. And looks odd. I mean, he looks like he’s borderline retarded. I’ve seen Kanemoto in awesome matches before and he did his best here. But this was not like his classic with Samurai. This was just there. And that’s how I felt about TAICHI vs Tigers Mask, Ryusuke Taguchi vs. GENTARO and AKIRA vs. YAMAMOTO. Danshoku Deino vs. Jado was a decent match as Korakuen is kind of DDT’s home base and the fans were super into it. That said, it came off like a joke fluke win.
Honestly, I want someone to explain to me why all of the smart marks thing FUJITA is so good. Because I really don’t get it at all. His strikes look liek he really doesn’t know how to fight and he looks super tentative in this match. Maybe I am judging him by one match, but when I hear a match is match of the year, I think I should be judging it.
To me, J Cup means something more. It’s where Benoit showed he was king of the juniors. It was the first place a lot of people saw TAKA Michinoku and Delfin. It’s where Hayabusa re-debuted in Japan. It’s where the Great Sasuke became a star. Where Damian 666 got over doing comedy and Dos Caras revitalized his career.
I’ve only seen the first round of this year’s show and I honestly don’t even care to see the second. Gedo and Kota Ibushi had a match that I would deem J Cup worthy, with a really awesome finish of Gedo trying to cheat on every pin and finally outsmarting Ibushi.
Prince Devitt and Atsushi Aoli was fine. But man, Marufuji looks old. He aged a lot since the last time I saw him. He and Liger had a pretty nice match and well, everyone knew Marufuji was winning the whole thing here. That said, he and Liger did some sweet shit and I really enjoyed their match. I’d check this one out and the Gedo vs. Ibushi match if I were you. The rest, well, maybe not so much.
It was a far cry from the past and I feel like…I feel like a broken record. Not everything should have been better in the old days, but wrestling is really starting to feel that way.
Speaking of the past, does anyone have a copy of the Universal reunion show from last week where Sasuke challenged Dos Caras to a mask vs. mask match?
EC Dubless W: 12/23/09
Sunday, December 27th, 2009Hey, Jack Swagger. Remember when you were awesome? Remember when people liked you? My audio is off on the rip I got off the net, which makes this show even better to watch.
And then, here we go. It’s Tommy Dreamer’s last match. Against Zack Ryder and Rose Mendez. You just know that in Tommy’s perfect world, he’d be piledriving Rose. But the world doesn’t work that way and now, Tommy is gone and people are pooping regularly in ECW. There is no original left in ECW. Dudebusters on Washington’s show. I will not watch. I will keep talking about Tommy. They may as well change the name of this show to WWE Fistfightery or something. WWE SyFy. Whatever. It’s not ECW and never was and I don’t know why it upsets me so. One of my friends was married and got divorced seven years ago and her ex-husband is finally moving away and now she’s sad. I guess ECW is the same way. It died, but I held out hope it could come back. And now, Vance Archer is fighting Golddust and the sound doesn’t match the fucking picture.
And this copy of ECW cut off before the last match even ended. Also, no one has more trouble with a door than Giant Pharoh Native American. The dude can barely open a fucking door, can’t get online and uses ten rolls of toilet paper a day. WWE developmental, I beg you, give him a chance. But at least Yoshi went over Swagger. So that’s nice. I’m glad they’re giving the kid a shot.
Then he will go to Raw. And do jobs.
EC-F’n-W.
-Sam
