Counting The Lights

Thursday night, as I enjoyed turkey and king crab with Noah and our parents, various CTL members texted me about Impact! Andy said he was making it his holiday tradition. Lee sent me a mathematical equation. In my holiday bliss, I avoided Impact!, instead just having fond memories of AJ as a turkey and the pilgrims’ entrance music from Raw playing in my head.

They title every impact now. It’s like accidentally running into someone you love kissing someone else. You don’t want to look but feel you have to. This episode is entitled”Is Mick the Turkey?”

We’ve heard Gay Hogan. But now? We have a photo.

I love tournaments. I hate TNA. Do you see where this is going?

The rules are if you win, you get a title shot in your division. And all weight classes are included. OK. Maybe this tourney will book Lashley strong and get him over as a player. If you think that’s true, have you never fucking watched TNA before? You know, I read the Observer site review of this and it was written by an insider, someone who talked about how guys lost in this because of their contract status. It made me hate wrestling reading this person’s review. Actually, most fans do that. It’s why I hate Star Trek, too. It’s a slippery slope from pro wrestling critique to Star Trek fandom to taking facials for free at the bus station.

Who is Lashely the Boss of? I ask this every week. I will until I get answers.

Abyss is still selling this throat from being hung. That’s good, I can admit when people do the right thing. I am not all negative.

They are chanting “He’s a monster” for Abyss. I just chanted “You’re a dog” at Angelo. He bit me.

Abyss did my favorite move of his, the one where he stands in the buckle and runs in place like a cartoon character. I fucking love that.

Kristal acted like she was hurt, Abyss distracted, take it home. And TO THE BACK! Mick Foley’s office.Did you know Hulk Hogan is coming to TNA?

Noah’s favorite TNA wrestler, Suicide, is up against Desmond Wolfie D. Wolfe tells us all up your holes and well, it’s time to rassle. Catch as catch can. Patricide. Homicide. Man versus man. Incesticide. Insecticide. Arm working. Why do guys always yell shut up at the crowd?

Jeff Hamlin on WO.com said: Desmond Wolfe got most of the offense since he’s being pushed and Suicide just tried to give notice.

Um, no. It’s more like Wolfe is being pushed, Suicide really isn’t and that’s how things go. Suicide is the first guy to get out of the Tower of London, at least the first time and they blew it the second time but that’s the match. In tournaments, dudes being pushed less usually lose. Unless you’re a fucking insider.

We don’t go TO THE BACK. The Pope is in the ring and Angle comes out and there we go.I was thinking that Dinero was as good as everyone says he is. And then I realized he was in with Kurt Angle, who made Matt Morgan look like someone worth watching. That said, nice little match.Would have been better as a PPV match to get Dinero over than a free match, but what do I know?

Did you know Hulk Hogan is coming? Kurt Angle and Mick Foley talk about it. I like when old timers call him Mike or Michael on the WWE roundtables. I wish he just did those instead of going to TNA. Also, Taz is the biggest mark ever if you watch those and Flair is a dick to him.

Homicide in with Roode as the last first round match. And Roode won with a spinebuster. That Observer dude said: Can’t think of one reason why Roode should go over aside from the fact that Homicide tried to give notice recently. If Lance Hoyt gained a visionary pinfall in his final appearance in the company on James Storm, and if Jim Neidhardt could pin Black Machismo in his only TNA appearance, since when does the company take contract status into account as to who goes over?

I think it’s more that they’re pushing Roode and it gets Homicide’s crazy character over after flipping out. So they hate the dude and give him TV time with a vignette afterward? Yeah, they totally hate Homicide.

Another Otep video and we’re in back with Borash (best recent Twitter: First thing I’d do… More Kip James!) and Angle. Nice little promo and now, it’s time for a Knockouts Battle Royal.

Welcome to TNA. Where even the supers will bury you. Meltzer hates Sarita and Wilde’s entrance. I have no idea why. I think he should just watch dudes rolling around on the mat and not make comments. Actually, I love Meltzer. I just hate the people who write the reviews on his site, because I pay $10 a month and I demand the right to be a complete bitch.

Tara comes out with a spider. I wouldn’t come to the ring with Ang. He would bite people. And the ref? ODB. Who shows us where her vagina is. Yes, I think…well, never mind. I guess most fat kids don’t know. Daffney out first thanks to Hamada headbutts. I’m down with girls who headbutt. Tracy and Alissa both go out to continue their feud. Lacey went out at some point. Sarita went out in a very painful way. Wilde and Hamada eliminated one another and now, it’s the Beautiful People against Tara. Who I already thought was #1 contender after beating Awesome Kong. And there you go, Tara wins. My life remains the same. Nothing really changed. ODB looks mad about it, slaps her hand away and drinks instead. And again, my life remains exactly the same.

Borash is in back with Nash. You know, I came out of this weekend a Kevin Nash fan. I cannot say the same from Eric Young. I just grow more bored of him with each appearance. The World Elite does not have one elite person in it. Except Nash. I don’t really think of anyone else on the team when I think of best in the world. But then again, TNA used to be at war with Canada, so at least they’ve moved up to fighting the world. If you can’t defend the Global belt in the US, when is it going to be defended?

Hogan is taking the wrestling world to war again. The future between WWE and TNA is in my hands. Vince name drops Spike, Dixie and says it’s in Hulkamania’s hands. TO THE BACK. Foley in back trying to call Dixie and finds Scott Steiner trying to make more Main Event Mafia merchandise. What follows is some crazy ass shit between Foley and Steiner, where we name drop the NWO, whomever came up with the Ron Simmons “Damn” gimmick, Nostradamus and then TO THE BACK and Foley is with Nash talking about Hogan again. TNA made Foley poor so he can’t pay off Nash. But Foley wants to know about Hogan. I really can’t believe I spent any time watching this. Virgil gets name dropped. Ed Leslie gets name dropped. Scott Hall and the Nasty Boys get name dropped. Jesus, this is seriously an indy on TV. An indy with money. Foley has some conspiracy about Hogan in TNA. I assume that Hulk Hogan coming to TNA is the third secret of Fatima.

Lashley and Wolfe were having a good match, but the finish? Wolfe doesn’t break on a 5 count. Wow. This will get Lashley over. TO THE BACK. Lashley wife does his talking. HEEL. Every dude watching wrestling will now hate him. One, because he has a girl. And those that have a girl, well, I am certain they will see her as a heel and him as a wimp for listening to her.

Roode and Angle is up next. If you ever watch Angle, and I hope you can get past TNA and watch his matches, he does everything perfectly. He sells a chop from one corner to the next. His strikes look believable. His selling is just right. You can say what you want about his personal problems and whatever…the guy can work. And he makes people into better workers. He’s everything you want to build a company around.

Remember when AJ vs. Angle was what the company was going to get built around? Yeah. Me too. Instead, Angle gets counted out, a fuck finish after Roode and he both kicked out of their last two matches’ finishes and were going pretty well. Ah, TNA. A tourney with mostly fuck finishes. I saw that before. In WCW.

AJ and Daniels do promos and family gets involved and yawn. Yawn. Yawn.

The Hulkamaniacs and the TNA fans have bonded as one to form a giant retard. Or TNA Hulkamaniacs. We are all as one. Let’s get ready to rock the house, brothers. You know that feeling you get when you pick up a turd and smash it in your hand and watch it go between your fingers and you feel all the pieces of food that were turned into waste? Yeah. That’s exactly how I feel watching this.

DUDE! AGAIN! Another Hogan promo! A replay of the Dixie promo!  Next week, an exclusive interview with Dixie! Who the fuck else would want that? Leno? For fuck’s sake, peoples.

Dixie Carter just asked on her Twitter: I am doing my 1st interview ever for iMPACT! next week. What questions would you like me to answer? I will have them asked from you! Here’s mine. How the fuck does Vince Russo have a job in wrestling in 2009? Why did you air that speech that made you and your whole company look bush league on TV? Do you realize that by just being WWE Jr. you make yourself and your company look stupid? Where did you find a Glamourshots thats still in business? What the fuck is wrong with your eye? Again, back to the first question, Vince Russo? Really?

Main event, Roode vs. Lashley. It would have been nice if we got a quick promo from each guy saying what this match was worth to them – Beer Money getting a tag shot and Lashley getting his first shot at the TNA title. This really is the biggest indy ever, as the main eventer has his girlfriend managing him. Match is somewhat decent so far. I always say that in the middle of a match and ruin it. Lashley wins clean with a spear and…hey, Rhino. Remember that? Your finisher? Ah, them was the days.

I did not let TNA spoil my Thanksgiving. Hope you didn’t either!

-Sam

EDIT:

I drew the line at asking her about her eye. I figured that one was pretty rude and she at least does answer questions.

If you have Raven in your company, he should be the one talking. Not Steve Richards. But then again, the definition of impact is the (possibly destructive) effect of transfer of energy from one object striking another resulting in a near-instant change of relative velocity. Near-instant. And this show is two hours long. Which is like, an hour, fifty-nine minutes and fifty-nine seconds more than an impact should be. Cross the line. Cross the fucking line.

I saw the night the line was crossed. The line has already been crossed. Ask Terry Funk. Ask Sabu. Ask Shane Douglas. Ask Chris Wood. They stole them from us, brother.

Foley is more concerned about Hogan than Raven. Um. OK. So why bring in Raven?

Amazing Red is going to fight Scott Steiner. Don West is doing commentary while he manages. Seriously, Don West is so loud I can hear him having a conversation while I am writing this. He’s talking about how you make hollandaise sauce. It’s the holidays and all. Maybe Don West likes to make dips, too. Oh, now he’s on the phone with the cable company and asking about how he can get the NFL package. If you ever feel lonely or sad, you can just open your ears and wherever you are in the world, you can hear Don West. Sometimes, I listen to him snore so I can sleep. It’s comforting.

Around 9:16 PM on Thursday night, did any of you hear a really loud sound? That was Ryan Clark marking out when Scott Steiner did a square driver to Red.

Scott put a belt on Red’s face and punched the belt. How does this hurt Red’s face? Um. He umm…I have no idea. I wish I could win a No Prize for this but this is fucking ridiculous. And that’s saying something.

Eric Young and Nash do a promo. About the former Legends belt, now the Global Championship.

Kevin Nash twitter of the moment: i’m not sick, i’m a sick fuck. but i don’t have cancer. but joe jackson says everything gives you cancer. so what’s the chance we don’t?

Nash talks about Hulk. I hope he means the Red Hulk. Because I still have no clue who the fuck that dude is. I think it’s Clay Quartermain.

The World Elite is fighting The Motor City Machine Guns. Wouldn’t you rather read another Kevin Nash twitter?

Kevin?

just got home from outback. dinner with the fam.god! i wish they would update their wine list!my wife’s nipples are showing thru her tshirt

You know, the dude fucked up WCW and has never been a good wrestler. But goddamn if I don’t love him. Also, he claims Sid is keeping Scott Hall on the straight and narrow. I can’t even imagine how fucking awesome Sid and Scott Hall spending time together must be. If you’re thinking, “Wow, Sam, you aren’t even really watching TNA and instead you are daydreaming about fantasy situations of Sid and Hall going to Pinkberry and Sid telling Scott about calorie content and then they go to the park and throw bread to the ducks,” you are right.

Oh, Beer Money is in this match, too. And Eric Young is talking. Be glad you’re only reading and not watching.

Why do all Japanese wrestlers do nerve holds? I know, that’s such a cliché question. But I want to know. Do they teach it in elementary school? How was school today? We learned nerve holds. I remember when I learned nerve holds. Father and son bond. Ichiban.

Machine Guns get the pin. David Young mad. Rob Terry screwed up and everyone talks shit on him as he almost cries.

Wow, TNA is using Otep for a video. Smash the American Control Machine. I don’t like this song, but it’s certainly much more edgy and current than anything WWE has done for music.

Nash and Foley in the back, Foley is now paranoid. Isn’t this Rhino and the Dudley’s gimmick? Nash brings up Occam’s Razor, asking Foley if his alternative story explains more of the evidence than the mainstreama ccepted story. No, it does not. It’s just a more complicated and therefore less useful explanation of the same evidence. Then, we watch the Hogan video

This dude? He’s not watching wrestling on Monday nights any more. He’s watching it on Thursdays.

Also, this guy said “Gunter glieben glauchen globen,” but they cut that.

A lot of marks told Hogan they were going to watch TNA. This is going to turn the wrestling business upside down.

Foley turns this all into a comedy thing. And then it’s not funny. Abyss just says, “Mick,” over and over again. Then he used the word implore in a sentence. He’s my all time favorite wrestler now. Until Lacey Von Erich comes out.

TNA Dixie says, So far, Top 5 cities fans have voted for to bring a TNA Live show to: NYC, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Toronto, Phoenix. Lots of time left. Vote!

To anyone in Pittsburgh that voted for a TNA live show, I hope you are injected with silverfish and then forcefed old issues of Starlog Napolitano wrestling magazines, which become part of your heart, and the silverfish find their way into your chest and eat your paper heart.

Hamada and Taylor Wilde had a nice little match with some good false finishes. Of course, there was no reason for the match. And now, TO THE BACK! Where Abyss keeps Foley from coming out by blocking his office.

Hey, did you know Hulk Hogan was coming to TNA? They’re going to be number one. You can bank on it. This is exactly how the savings and loan crisis happened.

Raven and Stevie versus Abyss. Does anyone remember when Raven had the shopping cart with the Frankenstein inside it? Ah, memories. This is just there – I think Stevie and Abyss should have been over a long time ago. Then again, I think people should have stopped caring about 1994 ECW in 1994. I kid. I love ECW. I also love when Abyss jumps and runs in place like a cartoon character. Raven goes to throw fire, Abyss kicks the lighter out of his hands and…it’s a DQ. Yet he never used it. So that’s not a DQ. You know, the fact that I spend any time trying to make sense of TNA points to my obvious problems. Abyss eats a DDT on the floor. Then they choke him with a belt. And we don’t even go to the back. No. To the PPV recap! A  man is being killed and hey let’s show some clips!

Homicide is doing a talk show with ODB. This made me want to kill myself. And now Tomko! Tribal! Yay! He was way too friendly and now, here comes the Beautiful People. And did you know Hulk Hogan is coming?

Well, OK. Impact has finally given me something good. Thank you, Impact. I share with you.

Sarita versus Alissa, who is wearing Pittsburgh colors. I’d like to think she’s saying hello to me. But you know. I’m not a stalker or anything. She spends most of the match zipping and unzipping her outfit. Normally, this is where I would complain and say this was silly, but you know, I’m kind of going to give Alissa a pass. When you get your own website, you can be all Bill Watts about shit, too. Now excuse me while I go take a piss inside my office to make a point.

Sarita hits a kick to the face to win. At least both of the tag champs didn’t do jobs. And then Tracy Brooks attacks Alissa from behind. Who is the face? Who is the heel? There’s no time because TO THE BACK and Foley finds Daffney in back and Raven and Stevie choke him. Why not just kill him? Oh, why do I ask these questions? That was just another question.

Up next, a PPV rematch, now a street fight. ECW guys versus the young guys who are the same age as the old guys. ANd Pope Dinero. Man, these guys are wrestling at a really fast pace. Oh. Sorry. I had my fast forward on. I think I will leave it on. They screw the finish from the last PPV and then Jesse Neal interferes. The dude that Rhino trained and was shitty to, so Team 3D took over his contract. It’s another bald dude with tribal ink. Well, he has a mohawk.

You can’t see what I title these files when I post them, so let me share. This one is called “poopoopoooooop.” If my life was a tabletop RPG, which it may very well be, I just had to make a does not give a shit roll. And rolled a critical miss.

It’s also entirely too soon for AJ and Wolfe to wrestle. And yes, if you thought AJ would look strong and not do a job this week, you haven’t been watching TNA. You know, I took an amazing shit while I worked on this. Several, in fact. I took a coffee ground like one just now and I felt more fulfilled looking at that dump than I did watching TNA. Luckily, I’ve seen the spoilers for the next week and I will be forcing my family to watch TNA after Thanksgiving dinner. They’ll be like, “Sam, this sucks.” And I will rock back and forth, chanting, “Cross the line. TO THE BACK. Hulk Hogan is coming.” Happy holidays, everyone!

-Sam

Overwhelmingly, I have heard good things about this TNA PPV.

Well, I won’t join any club that’d have me as a member. And as wrestlingobserver.com’s Joe Babinsack said to me yesterday, “Ah, you’re just a bitter old fart, aren’t you?” Fuck yes, I am Joe.

Welcome to the TNA PPV report. A few days late. But probably worth it.

And then…

The PPV starts with Dixie Carter’s words. As a Power Point deck. Fuck this already. You know how I start every TNA show trying to be nice? Well, fuck that. TNA? It’s on.

Watch out, fate. TNA wipes its ass with its hand. You don’t want to do this.

It’s 1:45 AM and I just started watching Turning Point. If you’re reading this, you may want to call me and see if I have killed myself in the time between I posted this and you read it.

Start with…Homicide versus Amazing Red for the X Division title. This whole PPV is me against the shitty music that TNA guys come out to – available on iTunes and http://shoptna.com/mp3s.aspx. That said, I love Don West, who yelled, “You have the speed. Exploding!” over the fucking music. OVER THE CROWD. I want you to go to an airplane, and put your head inside the engine, and have it take off with your head there. That’s the sound of Don West whispering. Dude. He’s chanting along with the crowd, but louder than the crowd. Man, I love Don West. I get the feeling that everyone in this company works him because he’s a mark, but fuck it. Fuck them. They wish they could care as much about what they do as Don West.

I really think Don West is so happy he’s crying.

Some people said this was too long, but I felt like it was just right. A great match, way too much for an opener, but this is TNA so fuck it. I really had fun with this and Red looks really confident in the ring. Well worked, the crowd bit on everything.

We are 1 for 1 in me being actually nice about a match.It didn’t even look all that worked. They did a fucking awesome spot where Homicide went for an ace crusher, Red shoved him off right into a standing shooting star.

TNA has something in Red. Really, they do. Little kids should love him.

Well, Lacey is in the ring next. So there’s no way this is going to turn out well.

The Beautiful People come out and right when they do their bend over entrance…the camera instead shows part of the stage. Well done, Craig Leathers.

Yeah. NSFW. Almost. You know, TNA girls are hotter to me than Divas. Maybe because they have better matches. Or maybe it’s the whore thing. Yeah, probably that.

Why are these girls heels? Um…because…I don’t hate them. Of course, Francine invented that. Mike Tenay comes off like a total dirty old man. And Sarita and Tara Wilde have a nice intro. And ODB is pretty over. So maybe, just maybe, this won’t suck. You know, Lacey isn’t that hot. Well, she is, but not my type. But she is on the way to being my favorite wrestler right now, so I will cut her some slack.

They started this match by working over Velvet Sky’s vagina.

I don’t have anything else to add to that sentence.

The tag champs have some nice moves. Sarita has some cool pins.

Perhaps the best sign ever made. Right after this, Lacey hit perhaps the worst clothesline I have ever seen. And I teach wrestling. So just imagine that. The crowd began a “You can’t wrestle” chant at Lacey. The same people who chanting “You still got it” when all Jim Neidhart did was a backdrop. So consider the source. Actually, don’t. Lacey sucks horribly in the ring.

ODB just beat all three Beautiful People. There it is. Not a bad match.

2 for 2. Wow. Please stop the PPV now. I only know, like herpes, it can only get worse.

Of course. A Desmond Wolfe promo. TO. THE. BACK. Desmond annoys the fuck out of me. And not in a good way. It’s all over thought and none of it feels from the heart. It feels fake. That’s why I hate ROH. And probably Evolve, too. I just like southern style drama in a match. To forget it’s fake. And people chanting “match of the year,” well…that makes me remember it’s all a fucking work. It’s like a movie stopping to acknowledge the crowd clapping. BOW TO MY HOWL. Really. Here’s my promo. Suck to my dick.

Up next? British Invasion vs. Beer Money vs. Motor City Machine Guns. Suddenly, I do not care at all. I really have to watch this, don’t I? You know that Rob Terry wrestled Mr. Ass last weekend? I’d rather watch that than this match. Well, the Machine Guns did some cool stuff, like Sabin did a standing kick to the face while he stood on the apron and Robert Roode was standing on the floor.

Hey, we’ll have a new podcast up Monday. It’s going to be really good. Just you know – cross-promotional web action.

There was a really complicated double team that ended with a gay spot. I have nothing bad to say.

If this is a 3-way, why are Beer Money just allowing the Machine Guns to get pins? And wow, Beer Money is over. That’s nice.

And somehow, the Machine Guns just disappeared. Where the fuck did they go? Eric Young is out, though. Nash out to stop him. If you said that there is going to be a swerve, congratulations. You could book TNA! British Invasion wins as Father Time decides he wants to be a heel again.

Did we get 3 out of 3? Well, any match that has Nash turning for no reason and has Eric Young in it? Fuck that. 2 for 3.

The doctors have told Mick Foley to stay away from TNA. Funny, my doctor tells me the same thing. Foley claims that he’ll show up Thursday. Yes, you just paid $39.99 to advance an angle that will pay off on free TV.

Nash name drops Hulk Hogan, claiming that he wanted him to attack Beer Money. He says Hulk a bunch of times.

And now, Tara vs. Awesome Kong in their first match ever. Which is in a steel cage. Then again, everyone’s first UFC match is in a cage, too. If you can follow that logic, YOU TOO CAN WRITE FOR TNA.

Broken, broken, broken. I hate Tara’s music. It’s the worst. Her coming out with a spider? I hate that, too. She was one of my favorite Divas and here, she looks horrible. Oh well. Her music is seriously the worst song ever and now it’s stuck in my head. If anyone orders me the mp3, I will go to your house and shit in the back of your toilet tank so that every time you flush, more of my shit will be revealed. I am just saying… do not order me anything TNA related.

This match was more a collection of spots than a match. I like Kong a lot. Tara, however, hasn’t really been good here since her first night in. The best thing I saw was Kong going for the backfist and hitting the cage instead, which was a cool idea.

Rhino and the Dudleys are up against Matt Morgan, Hernandez, Pope Dinero and the Protocols of the Elders of Zion. Inside their hidden moonbase, the lizard men hush as they watch Brother Ray do the professional wrestling. Also, they chuckle, because Matt Morgan and Hernandez are only a few years younger than the Dudleys, yet are pushed as being hungry young pups. My friend calls every young wrestler who asks me a questions a puppy.

Taz makes an ECW reference. EC Dub, EC Dub. 1995 was 14 years ago. But it’s been…14 years of silence. It’s been 14 years of pain. It’s been 14 years that are gone forever and I’ll never have again.

Rhino is selling for Matt Morgan, but struggles to his feet and says, “In a literal, alchemical sense, the Making Manifest of All That is Hidden is the accomplishment of the 3rd Law of the Alchemists and is, as yet, unfulfilled or at least not completed; the other two have been: the creation and destruction of primordial mater (the detonation of the first Atomic Bomb at the Trinity Site, at White Sands, New Mexico, on the 33rd degree of parallel), the Killing of the King (at the Trinity Site, at Dealey Plaza, Dallas, near the 33rd degree of latitude).” Morgan is confounded by this James Shelby Downard quote and thought the conspiracy was just about TNA. Brother Devon screams, “Just put the glasses on!” Morgan is shocked. The shoptna.com signs all really say “Obey Vincent Killer McMahon.” But it’s too late. The lizard aliens have become so entrenched inside pro wrestling that they can’t be stopped.

The ECW guys win with the help of my fast forward button.

Bubba Ray would like you to know that the dollar bill is rife with Masonic symbolism. The all-seeing eye is one such symbol,  representing the eye of  Lucifer  seeing all. Usually atop a pyramid, the symbol for a top-down command and control system of compartmentalization.

I used to say, “Why doesn’t anyone see anything in Matt Morgan?” And now, I say, “Oh, OK.”

Scott Steiner cuts a fucking great Scott Steiner promo in back about how you never realize how “for worse can really be that bad,” and that he’s “slept with over 20,000 women.” Wow. He’s busting out and Lashley’s wife wants him to bust her out. He’s going to pin Lashley in his own front yard and then cover his wife, too. Scott Steiner just threatened Lashely’s wife with bukkake! Right now, right at this moment, I have no idea how Scott Steiner isn’t the babyface in this angle.

You know, the running through the dark hallways and shitty pipe attack from last week? If you said TNA would replay it before this match without editing it, you too can write for TNA!

If you made Steiner and Lashley’s first match a falls count anywhere, no-DQ match instead of a normal match, you can always write for TNA!

Steiner further cements how awesome he is by having Lashley’s wife’s face on his tights. Right over his cock.

Why is Bobby Lashley the Boss? Did he write Thunder Road? Did he hold down Cool Hand Luke? Did Andre the Giant give him the nickname?

Lashley has been booked to look like a complete non-entity. And I saw the taping spoilers. It gets better. I’ve never cared about this guy and TNA has made me care even less.

Steiner goes for the pin and hooks the cock. This is after three low blows. Cock destruction. CBT. Mandom.

Oh, yeah. So far we are…4 for 5? Or some shit?

Scott hit the frankensteiner off the top and Lashley almost killed both of them. How you can blow that is beyond me. But he did. He sure did. Fuck. Now I have Tara’s music stuck in my head.

If you said, “I hope they brawl in back and it’s dark and the cameras miss it,” you should have ordered this PPV. This shot was on screen for 7 whole seconds with no people.

Then they showed the camera for 10. What the fuck is this, AAA?

Lashley just hit some of the weakest 2×4 shots I have ever seen. I am giving this match 19 octopuses.

After using all these weapons and going all over the building, would you have the finish happen back at the ringside area? If you said yes, look, you’re Vince Russo and stop reading this fucking blog, you fucking cunt. I’m sick of it.

My lord, another 10 seconds of dark backstage with no people.

They run in this building every few weeks. It’s called a production meeting, guys. Have one, work the match out, show them where to be. Why the fuck am I even writing this? These are the people that produced fucking Thunder. If they haven’t learned in ten years, they are never going to learn. It’s like trying to teach a kid with one arm and no legs how to swim forward instead of around, around, around in a circle. I mean, I could teach my dog how to write a novel before I could fix TNA’s problem.

Up next, Wolfe vs. Angle. Meltzer gave this 4 1/4 *s. Snowflakes. I have skipped the intros and video package because I know that, well, I put off reviewing this show and tonight, tonight Impact! is on. Dude. OK. They did one minute of chain and people started chanting “This is wrestling.” Sometimes, I go to Taco Bell, have a bite of my burrito, and then chant “This is food! CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP.”

Angle is over like Jesus in Heaven.

I never watched ROH, so perhaps I will be educated as to why Wolfe deserves this match. No. I rather doubt that. Right now, Vince Russo has stopped reading…oh no he hasn’t. Russo. I have a fucking IP tracker. WHOIS: A fucking tard looking at your site who can’t write wrestling shows. Actually, I wish Russo would read this. I worked for CD Warehouse when he had his store and I always dreamed we would have a conference call where I could ask him if he just threw all his CDs onto the floor because there’s no need for heels, faces or alphabetical order any more.

Meanwhile, Wolfe is working over the arm.

And then Taz compared Wolfe to Billy Robinson and I threw my Pepsi into my own face, stabbed myself in both eyes and used a fire extinguisher for thrust and shot my chair out the fucking window.

Angle hit a whole mess of germans. Lots of strength and stamina. 6 in a row. Wolfe hit the lariat to no reaction after weeks of building it up. Welcome to TNA – where no one watches the TV, yet chants shit at the PPV. I plan on leaving my office soon and chanting, “This is my car!” after I get into it.

Maybe if I hadn’t heard Meltzer say that this was a star making night for Wolfe, I would like this more. But I have never really felt like Angle was in danger. Maybe that was crowd reaction. I don’t know. The falls didn’t feel life or death, but the work was good. I think maybe I am overanalyzing. I love Angle’s work and wow, he just hit the raddest lariat ever. And a moonsault. He’ll be dead soon. I mean it, it’s like, dude, um, slow down? Well, I don’t think he would ever tap. It’s like the crowd feels the same way. I don’t think, even with the build, that anyone gives Wolfe a chance. Maybe Wolfe could have beat a bunch of people to get him ready for this match and we could have had a build. Yeah. OK. I mean, they have a best of 3 falls cage match next show. The crowd is chanting a whole bunch of stuff and I doubt they are even watching the match. They have chants to do! Angle hits the raddest frog splash any man alive can do. The finishing sequence was really great, though, with Angle doing what a babyface should do. Outwrestle the heel. For a dude who hurt his back early in this match, well, he had a great match. I wouldn’t rate this as high as Meltzer. But it was a really good match. You should watch it, it was a nice build. It didn’t make me sick, I can say that much.

What is this, a UFC show? It took 15 minutes of promos, entrances and videos to start the next match. I was like, wow, they gave these guys 40 minutes. No. I was wrong.

Well, here we are. AJ vs. Joe vs. Daniels. I am not a fan of unmasked Daniels. Everything he does looks like a work to me, like violent choreographed dancing. Whereas Joe looks like he kills everyone. AJ is somewhere in the middle.

This match is a whole bunch of back and forth. Moves, stuff, moves. It’s entertaining and at least it doesn’t seem too worked so far. Would I give it 4 1/2 *s? I don’t grade matches. It’s good, though. Not the match I would choose to watch if I could choose any match. If I could, it would be Vader/Pimpinela Escarleta/Daisuke Ikeda vs. Daisuke Sekimoto/Gronda/Yuki Ishikawa. Haha dude, I am having that match on Fire Pro as soon as I get home. If I ever do.

Joe is killing everyone and if you want me to do a move for move of this, well, um…why would you want to read that? Suffice to say everyone kicks everyone real hard, except Daniels, who slaps his leg a lot. And oversells. Wacky. And bounces. A lot. Bouncey. Bounce. Bounce. Although AJ went for an Asai, Joe kicked his legs out and AJ landed comically head first on the apron and I was made very happy by the sheer silliness of this spot. Then Joe got Daniels in the clutch on the floor and AJ did a fucking Mistico dive. Hahaha man, the crowd is angry at some point and starts an anti-Hogan chant. In my dream world, Hogan runs in and does a ropewalk into a crazy Silver King dive and launches all three of these dudes nine rows back and the Hulkster just smiles that knowing smile and his voices echoes in all our minds as he mindspeaks to us, one simple word: “Brother.”

And wow. Hahaha Daniels did a monkeyflip to AJ, who got launched onto Joe, who powerbombed him. That shit was awesome. This match is full of some good threeway spots, but it’s like, um…one dude should sell and you know, this whole one pinfall means the dude who doesn’t get pinned is like, fuck…I lost my chance. It’s like having all your smart bombs left in Defender when you die. That was as dated a reference as Bobby Heenan used to make on Nitro.

The crowd seems to be reacting more to spots than near falls. Which is um…not how storytelling should work. But you know, when you have to memorize a whole bunch of chants and coordinate them, you don’t really pay attention to the actual things you should really cheer for.

Everyone starts forearming everyone and trying to be Misawa versus Kawada and then the Pele kick and then everyone is down and hey kids, let’s start chanting!

AJ did a great dive in then a spinning lariat. I can only imagine how long these guys talked this match out and ran spots in the shower. That said, this is keeping a great pace and has some cool stuff.

Right now, as you read this blog, I want you to chant: “This is writing! This is blogging!”

Cool spot where AJ and Daniels try to use one another’s finishers. Joe kicks both, then takes out both. Then, they hit a double team on Joe, all to set up these guys facing off…Daniels and AJ kind of shake hands and then do a bunch of high spottery. AJ to the floor, muscle buster turned into STO, BME, AJ knees onto the pile in a spot that it looked like it sucked for Daniels to take, so I have some respect for the guy and AJ wins.

Taz just gave it 15 freaking 20 stars.

I would say it was good. I mean, it was entertaining. Not my kind of match, but if you like threeways, it was for you. Me, I think most girls in threeways are conduits for gay and the dudes are fucking each other with the girl as just a toy inbetween them. But hey. To each their own.

TNA. Turning Point. Ironic. Because this show is just waiting to see what Hogan does. But hey – it took me a long time, but it’s done and now I can dress in sackcloth and start flagellating myself and getting my soul pure and prepared to review Impact!

-Sam