Death Cake of Fear 32,000 Thumbtacks & 200 Flourescent Lighttubes 3.2.1 Birthday Death Cake Death Match: Jaki Numazawa, Jun Kasai & Kankuro Hoshino vs. Shadow WX, Masashi Takeda & Isami Kodaka
I have to invent some new words to tell you all how excited I am about this match.
- Sam
Here’s a snippet from Todd Martin’s Raw review:
They announced Ben Roethlisberger as the guest host of Raw next week. If I’m a Steelers fan, I’m none too pleased about him scheduling goofy wrestling gig distractions the day after a key night game when his team is 1-2. If this story gets national attention over the next couple days, I expect he’s going to receive a lot of criticism for doing this during the season.
Well, I am a Steelers fan, and a football fan in general, and I know that Monday is typically to get treatment and watch film of the game the day before, and Tuesday is the team’s scheduled day off. The coach does his presser Tuesday, guys come in for treatment if they need it, and they regroup. Wednesday is when practice for the coming week takes place. So, since Raw is in Wilkes-Barre, Ben can be on a plane Monday afternoon, do the show, and have the next fucking day off. But you know, this is par for the course for these reviews. Doesn’t matter. Read Sam’s below and don’t worry about that other one I mentioned.
– Brian
Wow. The show just started and Al Sharpton is umm…he has a lot of heat. Even with people on commentary putting him over. People don’t dig him. Is anyone surprised? Why is he out there with a live mic? Why am I watching this instead of a match? Because RAW is entertainment that has a ring and wrestling may have gotten WWE to where it is, but like Traci Lords before this, the days of sucking dick are all over. And with that, I welcome you to another RAW review, filled with scatological jokes and more comments on the commercials than on the show. Because after all, when you have a faggy blog, what else do you do but bitch about wrestling?
They didn’t even wait for the commercials to end. This tag title match is on, kids. It’s fucking on. The RAW Universe. Everyone has been empowered to blow spots. You know, MVP and Jericho just do not mesh. But whatever. This match is all about empowerment. MVPs clotheslines on Big Show look like shit. Fuck what you know! This match is brought to you by Ninja Turtles. It would be better if it was brought to you by Ninja Star Wars. Honestly, I don’t know if I can make 1:43 more of Michael Cole. Another commercial and I am going to lie down. If I don’t make it back, enjoy your RAW.
This tag match has made up for years of WWEs racial insensitivity. I feel better. I hope you all do, as well.
Big Show just did the worst splash I have ever seen. And I train people.
Empowering. Universe. If I was empowered, this would not be the match I’d choose to watch.
Guess what? I passed out and stayed out! I was in my time machine. I laid down in it and next thing I knew it was 6 hours later. So…let’s download Raw and I’ll watch it again.
That’s exactly what happened to me. I got so bored and sickened by my first viewing of RAW that my brain shut down my body. I fainted exactly like one of those goats. On my couch. Legs and arms up in the air. I am basically going against the natural order by going through this review again. This is how much I care about you, the reader of this web site.
While this is downloading, I should tell you that in my dreams, I watched some really great matches. Dick Murdoch and Adrian Adonis wrestled Demolition. It was crazy, because Dick and Adrian came out to “We Will Become Silhouettes” by The Postal Service. So that was pretty cool. Ba ba ba ba. Demolition came out to Buttons by the Pussycat Dolls. It was a 16 star match.
Also, while this is downloading, my dog Angelo and my cat Anderson Cooper 360 the cat had a tremendous battle. Really snug UFC style work. Anderson does a great Gracie mat deal and I would compare Ang to a young Volk Han. He doesn’t know how to work and that’s what made his work great, in that he’s believable in his role of a dog who keeps getting fucked with by a kitten who will not fight, but instead lie there, instigate shit, then lie there again.
When I decide it’s better to report on my dog and cats’ workrate, well. Well. Let me tell you, they were better than anything you’d see on RAW.
OK, so watching the end of the tag match, really hot finish. Champions over.
Santino kept thinking Al Sharpton was different black people. Wow. He tried to do a little educating.
I watched Randy Orton’s promo in slo motion and it was still slow!
Brian sent me a text about the Mickie James match and used the phrase “walking abortion.” I will now see if that is true.
You know…
Why not just get girls who can work? Instead of models? Because see, I have this internet. If I want to see porn, it’s really easy. But you know. I could always watch a good girl match versus…this is umm…wow.
Again, I have seen students a few weeks in have matches better than this. At least Mickie’s headscissors looked good. Wow, the takedown was horible. Rosa hurt her vagina, right into a headkick. And that was. Wow. It was on TV. There are dudes in developmental that will be cut because they have no idea for them and this match was on TV.
This is exactly how Raw is making me feel.
I love how Legacy has their own editor to make them videos. I mean, c’mon. When I get mad at people, I make videos of them and then play them. It’s how I’ve gotten as far as I have gotten. That said, Legacy’s promo was alright. It did what it needed to do. And then they got buried. Because it’s funny. It’s more better to say silly shit than have angles that have heat and reality. And then! Triple H makes fun of comic book nerds. At least HBK knew enough about Bruce Banner to set this promo straight. None of this made me want to order a PPV. Fuck, I can get it for free and don’t want to.
Jack Swagger’s ring entrance is beyond comical. He looks like a fucking loon. I refuse to take him seriously. And really, why should we believe in Evan Bourne? Wow, Bourne took a fucking Sam bump to the floor. Ridiculous. He did some cool shit, he smokes weed, he won’t get a push. No one cares, everyone has seem that no one really gets a push that matters. I mean, these guys did all they could. Nice finish, though. Miz attacks him and there you go. Koofey got his belt back, so that’s good.
As for the Hornswoggle match, I really did not want to see any of it. If you did, never come back to our fucking web site ever. Do youself a favor and kill your entire family. Thanks!
Next week, Raw’s GM?
Maybe we should do a little more working on the offense and less hosting RAW. Just a thought. Although I hope he books Jeff Reed versus a paper towel dispenser.
So, John Cena versus Jericho and Big Show and Randy Orton. Jericho loses by 5 count to hurt Jericho more. Um. OK. He should just have dragged him to center and put it on him again and not gotten the DQ but again, I sit in my house and book matches with my dog and cats and these guys all worked in Hollywood.
Cena beats Big Show by DQ and then I hear voices in my head, which is a song that makes no sense. In fact, all of WWE’s music sucks. Except Matt Hardy’s Monster Magnet song. But seriously, it’s like 1997 never ended.
And then Cena no sold all the offense he took, the cage comes down and the babyface gets his revenge. Well, great. I don’t have to order the PPV now. In fact, I won’t even have to get the stream. I already saw everything I needed to see. I mean, they even did a big cell bump. It’s bad enough that we will see three cell matches in one night. But fuck it. Fuck it. We can blame it on everyone playing XBox and being on facebook, even though the Did You Know said that more people are on WWE Universe and stay on longer than facebook. So what is it?
This show was a complete waste of my time. At least I got to write and make fun of it. I can’t imagine paying money to see this, because, well, you already got 2 hours of wrestling. Why would you pay $30 for one more hour? Cena has the belt. He got his revenge. It’s over, you know?
I bet the dude on WO loved this RAW.
- Sam
And its also the reason we didnt include any Japanese teams, as our heads would explode with the awesomeness.
Ricky and Robert v Toshiaki Kawada and Samson Fuyuki. FUCK YES!
-Andy
This is an example of the spam comments we get every day. If we answered this, the site would explode like if the two Marty McFly’s touched.
Say I freeze meat in January. The package has an expiration date of February. When I thaw it in June, why doesn’t it remember immediately that it should have gone bad four months ago?
First off, why the fuck would they ask? Then again, Egyptian Native American Mystery Guest always asks me if he can eat meat after it’s spoiled. What am I, the fucking meat arbiter?
- Sam
PRESENTING THE FIRST ROUND OF THE KODIAK BOB CUPP CROCKETT SENIOR MEMORIAL CUP TAG TEAM INVITATIONAL ELIMINATION TOURNAMENT, BROUGHT TO YOU BY KARATE FIGHTERS & NINJA STAR WARS
Andy’s got the trophy. We had the answers for the first round. Here’s who is in it:
The Road Warriors vs. Afa and Sika
Rock & Roll Express vs. Harlem Heat
Buddy Rose & Doug Smothers vs. The Eliminators
Balls Mahoney & Masato Tanaka vs. Strike Force
Demolition vs. Adrian Adonis & Dick Murdoch
The Samoan Swat Team vs. The Fantastics
Jerry Lawler & Bill Dundee vs. RVD & Sabu
The Heavenly Bodies (Tom Prichard & Jimmy Backlund) vs. Midnight Express (Bobby & Stan)
Yes, that’s right, another new episode. It’s like Heroes, but the episodes get better instead of worse. And, well, Andy doesn’t follow a turtle around for an entire season. It’s like Dexter, but we don’t have babies or kill people. It’s like Entourage, in that Noah pretty much pays Sam’s way, except not as many people get laid and we have don’t have a Johnny Drama. Fuck, it’s nothing like that shit. It’s Counting the Lights. Episode 15. To the right. Everything we post is in a box to the right. This podcast is irreplaceable.
Or you can just get it here:
http://www.countingthelights.com/Episodes/show15.mp3
Everyone always talks about the Wrestling Observer board thread about Meltzer’s jacket.
Dude, that’s Deek in the photo.
Fuck.
- Sam
Here’s how I book Raw.
A desolate graveyard in Chicago, IL. Darkness streaks across the sky. A single falling star appears in the sky, illuminated by a black, evil ember glow. It touches down on a headstone.
In Inglewood, CA, a similar event is shown.
RISE! Bernie Mac of Earth.
RISE! Robin Harris of Earth.
“The Blackest Night falls from the skies.
The darkness grows as all light dies.
We crave your hearts and your demise.
By my black hand…
The dead shall rise!”
As Cedric the Entertainer emerges from his limo, surrounded by a football team, a rabbi, an old woman and a goat, he hears a familiar voice…
“Hello, brother. We’re here for your heart!”
Man, I would book a million times better Raws than anyone else.
What I am basically telling you is that I missed Raw again. I was playing Madden. What can I say?
Look, here’s all I have to tell you.
Funny don’t make money.
Last PPV, they had a real fight looking match between Orton and Cena. Now, Cena is being jokey again. I am not saying you need to be afraid of the guy you feud with. Fuck, Muhammed Ali made fun of dudes, too. But he did a shoot, for the most part. This is a work that you can control and make money from. If Orton isn’t a big deal, well, then who wants to see this?
And you know…
Hell in the Cell is, to me, one of the last big gimmick matches left.
Having multiple Cell matches on one show?
It’s like having Who Wants to Be a Millionaire on every single day of the week and burning it out.
I get that and I don’t work for WWE.
And the US belt? It’s now the 24/7 Hardcore belt.
In other news, I got my ass beat on Madden. And we watched a 20 minute Ron Bass match. Listen for samples soon.
- Sam
The answer to this? Tune in to the show, kids.
The new show is on the right.
This week, local and national news, Brian and Deek get stuck in a street fair, Brian sings, Brian screams “you’re fired” at his fiancee so much that he is not allowed to say it any more, everyone gets messed up (Sam actually puked at the end of the show, which did not get taped), Andy meets with his lawyer on labor day, people yell over one another, semi-hot asian women, football talk (it’s like a horrible Observer show that only talks about hockey or something), wrap it up b, Noah questions on wrestling, who was the original Triple Threat, Jake could only buy things when he got fat, Verne Gagne discussion, ninja star wars, yeah, you’ll learn a lot of shit!
http://www.countingthelights.com/Episodes/show14.mp3
What the fuck is wrong with me?
It has to be the hangover from the show last night.
Well, so far, the ladies had a hot little tag match. I really enjoyed it and the sport-like winners promo afterward.
Eric Young worked in a suit and straight up was squashed by Hernandez. Quick and fine for what it was, advances that angle.
Now, Joe is up against Daniels. The video they just showed just about proved that these guys were both better off a few years ago. And now, well, they at least can work each other. They just said its the Nation of Violence and Joe versus Daniels. Who the fuck is in the Nation of Violence? Joe also looks much bigger. I mean, far be it from me, who ate hot dogs all day, to call someone fat. I mean, half our show was about drinking and the other half doughnuts yesterday. But fuck. Does the Nation of Violence run on Dunkin’? This match is boring the fuck out of me. Daniels has the lightest offense and Joe is just slow and I’m bored. I am not clapping this is awesome chants here. My cats are. Taz is a good announcer and I like him with Tenay. And man, Stacker2? Yeah. Daniels just wiped out Joe with an ill advised tope that could have really hurt the guy. Forget what I said about working light. And Joe’s pants? Fuck Joe’s pants. They remind me of Nation of Domination. And he just stole a kneebar drop from Dragon Gate. Powerbomb into the STF and here we go. Tenay just put over the camerawork. Wow. Dude, I’ve seen TNA. The camerawork is the shits. Let’s not commend shit. I don’t understand why Daniels is selling and not selling. It doesn’t make any sense. I mean, it hurts to stand, yet he can launch himself into kicks and throw punches without selling. And run and do leg lariats. I mean, and a slide? WTF? This is a guy in a title match? And they based the match around working his leg? And now he’s doing Jericho’s finisher for a false finish? And then they do a half nelson suplex. Yeah. Taz calls it a car crash suplex. Taz also wore a cab driver hat in ECW in the only time he ever made Noah pop. Oh, but the BME hurt his knee. He remembered to sell then. Musclebuster reverse, angel wings reverse, dragon suplex, naked choke. Nice sequence. Crowd did not really buy any of it. Tap the fuck out. Goodnight, Fallen Driver. Put that in your fucking Twitter.
TO THE BACK!
Mick Foley is talking. Foley did a promo angry at a cartoon. And now, the Pope versus Suicide. The Pope is going after condoms next. You know, the Pope hates venal sins.
Boy, I hate the Pope’s interview style. Hate it. Suicide’s, too. Wow, this feud makes no sense and I have no idea who the face or heel is. Fuck both these dudes running. I hate this. I hate all of it. This is indy as fuck, worse than that. This shit makes me want to sleep. Why did I agree to watch this? Jesus Pete in a sack of pickles, this is the worst promo I have ever seen. Oh, shit, Suicide just appeared out of nowhere and it’s on. Or, maybe not. I guess it is, they rang the bell. RING THE FUCKING BELL. Street preacher versus masked guy. What a feud.
Taz is making funnies. This is the most pointless match ever. I mean, who cares? Who ordered…wait. This match wasn’t even announced! Dude. This is like WWE hardcore circa 2000. Fucking golf carts. Really. Wow. Russo, is everyone enjoying this? Wow, kayfabe commentary. Pope’s ass is out. Who the fuck is the babyface? WHO THE FUCK IS THE BABYFACE? Spots spots spots spots spots. 1-2-spots spots spots. Spots spots tables spots spots table spots. Ramp spots spots 1-2-spots. Spots spot reversal spot reverse spot spot reverse tease spot chop spot dropkick spot. Suicide just left. He went through the tunnel. SPOT! TABLE! SPOT! OUCH! THE SPOTS! Why would a dude named Suicide even think twice about jumping off something? DO YOUR GIMMICK FUCKER! I have no idea what his gimmick is. Who is the face or heel? HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA dude, that was the best spot ever. Ass breakery. Pope wins. Wow, what a crock of stupid shitty shit.
Deaner and ODB next. Family Guy is on. Guess what I’m watching?
Never have so many done so little with so little. TNA. It’s what the world is watching.
I do like Cody’s ring gear. So there’s that. When is comedy not funny? When it’s TNA.
Wow. This is um. Yeah. It’s a match. You know, if I paid for this, I would go batshit. But I didn’t. So there, TNA. TNA should pay you for watching their PPVs. Seriously. This is like work. It’s like watching Botchamania without the good editing or music.
This match is based around vagina. Um. Yeah. Really.
This match is an indy comedy match. I hope everyone that paid for it feels like shit.
Wow, he’s a heel for punching her? This sure isn’t ECW. Then again ECW isn’t ECW.
And the Knockout belt is on a girl again. I hope you can all get back to your normal lives now. I know for me, it felt like when there was a democrat that people liked in the White House. I am glad things are back to normal now.
TO THE BACK!
Kurt Angle. Skinny Kurt. He’s not crying. He’s just thinking about a friend of his who you don’t know who is dying. That’s right. Dying.
Up next? $50,000 and a Legends belt. Abyss, Nash, autographs, stuff. Things. Mick Foley with a bat and an animal print shirt. Abyss can make fire like Kane now. And he wears a hoodie and flannel.
Nash out wearing red. This is a fashion report.
There’s a brand new dance but I don’t know its name
That people from bad homes do again and again
Its big and its bland full of tension and fear
They do it over there but we don’t do it here
Fashion! turn to the left
Fashion! turn to the right
Oooh, fashion!
Nash attack in the corner. Abyss down. Ref talks to him. Stuff!
Big boot in the corner.
But thanks to this match, with the Kevin Bacon scale, I am one step away from working Kevin Nash.
And then, Steve Richards came down and stuff.
I love when Abyss runs in place. It makes me so happy. And now Daffney is here and wow, she looks great. I’m a fan. Stun gun in the ring. Stevie runs with it. Nash gets it. Right in front of the ref, Nash has a chair. Wow, what an unsafe chairshot. Abyss kicks out. Stevie gets sad. Nash is working hard, well, yeah, OK. He calls for a powerbomb and um. OK. Reverse, chokeslam. Kickout. Abyss is asking for the bat from Mick Foley. Ref is stopping him. And stungun to the nuts. What a finish. And Abyss got his fingers all over barbed wire. And it looks like Foley was a heel. And Stevie isn’t paying Nash. And and. And. Stevie wouldn’t pay and gets powerbombed. Nash got paid and his belt and Foley fucked with Abyss. WHO IS THE FACE?
TO THE BACK!
Scott Steiner has a mic! YAY!
OK. Booker just buried the dudes he is working. I say this a million times. If you bury the guys you are working, why would anyone want to see you beat them? And if you lose, you look stupid. I mean, TNA has bigger problems than that. But fuck, dude. Come the fuck on.
This is TNA Wargames. Doug Williams is starting off with James Storm. I like James Storm. I like a dude who drinks on the job. I like a cage match that starts off outside the cage. Actually, I don’t. GET IN THE CAGE. Man, that cage door is huge. Ah, good booking having two British guys in with Storm.Heels working over the babies and Storm has color. Yay cage match color.
Man, the Main Event Mafia’s music is horrible. Scott in and kills everyone.
Steiner with a top rope frankensteiner? WHO IS THE FACE?
Fuck it. Scott Steiner is the face. I love him.
I just popped for Taz.
Taz: Williams has summer teeth. Some are gone, some are bloody, some are green…you feel like you’re working with Heenan again?
Taz has been pretty great on commentary.
Also, good booking having the big British dude take out Bubba. 4 on 3, more heels than faces. Way wrestling should be. And then, Bubba legit killed Rob Terry. LIKE DEAD. DEAD. DEAD.
The crowd has gone HOSS’S for this match. I drove past the closed Hoss’s yesterday. That must be why I drank so much during the show. THE PAIN.
(To our new away from Pittsburgh fans, Hoss’s is/was like Ponderosa or Sizzler. But better.)
Babyfaces over in almost a squash. Everyone seemed to enjoy this very much. The only hard part here is that the two great teams here are both over as faces. So, there’s that. But for what this was, it was over. Team 3D is always over here, as are Beer Money.
Up next…Rhino versus Lashley.The greatest MMA fighter in the world? He’s gonna fight Fedor or GSP? Why do they call him the War Machine? Because he’s an animal who does not quit submit or…HE JUST SONNED LASHLEY! HE JUST CALLED HIM SON! GORE! GORE! GORE!
Taz is putting over the last match huge. It was pretty decent. This whole show has been. Um. Yeah. Weird, huh?
Lashley is out and um..yeah. NO WELLNESS IN TNA!
Lashley is like Bo Jackson. You know. If Bo Jackson acted and played baseball.
Wow, Lashley went off on him. I guess he didn’t like getting sonned.
You know, Lashley should have won already. WTF?
I don’t really think anyone cares about this match at all.
Why am I doing so many single sentence paragraphs?
Wow, Taz said Rhino has nothing to lose. Well. This match means nothing then.
Dude, really, a ref bump and a visual fall on Lashley? A false with a ref down? Um. Um. Lashley is your money guy. WTF. OK, at least he went over strong. I would have had him hit a finisher. But you know. Whatever. Because Lashley just won with a knockout punch. And closed fists are illegal in wrestling. So. Um. That should be something the ref says. And. Jesus Christ, this is like pushing a rock up a hil.
TO THE BACK!
AJ and Sting! Somehow Sting is his mentor after all the shit that started the Main Event Mafia stuff. Sleepytime. Like the tea with the bear in pajamas.
This is the main event. Matt Morgan vs. Kurt Angle vs. Sting vs. AJ Styles. Russo style. Champ doesn’t need pinned. Video package. Sound bites. High spots. Talk. 4 way. World championship match. Flippy. No is going to stop me, not even myself. The British Bulldog is going to win whether he wants to or not.
You remember when AJ used to come out to VAST? That song is all over the place now. AJ is in back, good camera angle. Reminds me of old PRIDE. I like little touches like that.
The most genetically jacked and stacked and wellness deficient person in TNA? They used American Gladiators to get him over? The dude has DNA on his robe. And I don’t mean cum. IT’S MATT MORGAN!
Sting! Real Estate Steve! We watched the Crow today and it made me think of Sting. You know, I wish Sting would be in the fed for one run. Is that fucked up? Yeah. It is. I don’t care.I would like to see him wrestle Undertaker. I don’t care.
Finally, Kurt Angle. 13 time world champion? Holy fuck. Gold medalist. He’s making a lasagna for one. It’s KURT ANGLE! The only Olympic Gold Medalist in the history of wrestling! FUCK YOU SHEIK!
They did a great job of setting this up and having the old school belt match intros. Really well done.
This is all setting up to be fucked up and screwed up. You know it. I know it. Noah knows it and he’s watching Curb Your Enthusiasm instead of this.
Angle is smaller than me. I am not kidding. He is miniscule.
And holy shit, Hernandez just cashed in the Money in the…um…briefcase.
Seriously, Angle is small. Small.
Supermex of the bad nickname is suplexing Angle forever and everyone is just watching him. I mean, I saw Kobashi do it for longer but still cool.
Ah, Eric Young back out and he killed Hernandez. Good angle, as that move is a killer move, the piledriver. Set up a good match down the road. Wow. This is all going to fall apart, you know.
I am enjoying this match. This hangover. That’s what it must be. Because I’m enjoying this.
AJ just kicked Matt Morgan hard as fuck. YAY.
This match is building well. Again. Something is going to happen. Something not good.
I can see Jarrett and Russo coming out any moment now.
Wow, everyone hit cool ass shit. Sting even did a dropkick off the top. Awesome.
STING PUNCHES!
Styles saved Sting, Morgan saved Angle, nice little setup here.
AJ just got kicked with a botch. Whoops. Fuck. Hellelevator. Sting saves. Everything just slowed down into botchery. Sting just hit his Scorpion Death Drop. Angle saves.
Crowd just had the wind taken out of them.
Sting got the Scorpion into the ankle lock by Angle. Dragged to the center, Morgan hits the Carbon Footprint, Sting launches him to the floor. Sting and AJ are up, heels all down. Sting left the ring and attacked Morgan. AJ hit the springboard for the win. Wow. I loved that finish, Sting realizing he could have won and giving it to AJ. A lot of matches you could do out of that. Come on. TNA end this PPV now.
END THIS PPV NOW.
Daniels out to celebrate with AJ.
AGAIN. END THIS PPV NOW.
Fans in the ring!
END. THIS. PPV. NOW.
You know, I was entertained. I really was. A really solid PPV. The crowd loved the end of the show. Please let this be the end of the show.
Wow, even a in ring interview after the match. That’s a good touch.
Wow. That was it. No Russo. No Jarrett. I may be dreaming. But. Um. Yeah. Wow.
I know it can’t last. But it was decent.
- Sam
