I can’t remember the last time a guy threw himself into a character as thoroughly as del Rio has. He exudes asshole-ness in a way that he wants to be despised. I love that. I chuckle every time the guy gets out of his car and starts smiling at people with that look like, “Can you believe this fucking car, you pieces of shit?” I’m not certain everyone at CTL agrees with this assessment, and that’s OK. It’s my fucking review, damn it. But yeah, del Rio? Awesome, awesome, awesome.

We opened with a huge party for del Rio to celebrate his eradication of that burro Rey Mysterio. His words, not mine. He had champagne, weird finger foods, a piñata. It was gold. Christian interrupted and did some comedy that wasn’t piss annoying (because he knows how not to overdo it, unlike, say, John Cena and Big Show) and set up what looks like a program between the two. I like that idea. Christian is as solid a guy to break in del Rio to WWE’s style as anyone, and their matches are bound to be decent. If they’re not, well, then del Rio could be in some trouble because Christian can have a good match with anyone. But I think it’ll work out fine.

After the Christian promo, Drew McIntyre attacked him from behind. From what I read, McIntyre apparently wiped the fuck out climbing over the dasher boards. I love it. Obviously that was edited out, and since his huge debut, Drew’s stock has fallen faster than BP’s, and he didn’t spill a shitload of oil into the Gulf. He did get into a huge fight with his now-fired wife Tiffany (who owns and controls his penis, we understand), so he’s back in the doghouse. Christian won with a rollup, and Drew was back to just being a dude who’s nailing Tiffany. There has to be tons of those dudes.

The other main angle this week involved the Undertaker/Kane feud that, lucky us, we’ll have to endure through Hell in a Cell. Oh no. Kane cut another wacky promo at the end, going on and fucking on, and it didn’t end until Undertaker arrived to smear shit on the thing. Not literally. This is a PG show after all. Pretty sure he CAN do that when they get to SyFy. But yeah, they announced these two will do battle at Night of Champions, so there you go. You’re paying for this match again. Lucky you.

We also had the next step in the dissolution of the Straight Edge Society. You know, WWE, there should be a hyphen between Straight and Edge. Those modify Society, and … oh fuck it. Big Show took on Luke Gallows and CM Punk, who has a pretty elaborate new chest tattoo design going. Not to be gay and shit, but I looked closely at the work, and it doesn’t seem to be done yet. A lot needs colored in, but that looks like it’s going to take a bitch of a long time. I should know. Gah, that has to hurt. I wouldn’t want to take any chops the week I’d have my chest filled in. Yeow! Anyhow, Gallows tapped to this weird chinlock thing, and Punk gave him the GTS. Not sure how they’ll write Joey Mercury out of this. He has an injury that’ll put him out 6 months. Maybe that’s how they’ll do it. Punk will dismiss him for being a pussy who can’t handle a little surgery.

Other shit! The burial of Matt Hardy, which amuses me to no end, continued. He’s as big a dumb shit as his brother. He goes on the Internet and constantly bitches about how WWE uses him. Dude, seriously, you think that’s helping? Maybe he’s trying to get fired. If so, sure, he’ll go to TNA. Because they’ve done such a smashing job capitalizing on Jeff’s popularity from 2009. I don’t know that another person has catapulted to the realms of insignificance faster than Jeff Hardy. Of course, maybe Matt is a close second. He lost to Cody Rhodes, who’s actually getting better on the stick. The mic, I mean. He blasted poor Matt for being fat and being stuck in ’90s Hot Topic fashion. So true.

There was a women’s match, but I fast forwarded. Oh, did you hear they cut the 6-foot-9 girl already? I mean, TNA passed on her. That’s a good indication she isn’t worth hiring, because TNA will hire anyone. Oh, except for Roderick Strong, who they thought didn’t play to the crowd enough. Wow. Enjoy going out of business, TNA. Not because they didn’t hire Strong. But because they make terrible decisions.

A quick note on NXT. What the fuck was with that finish? Remember the initial Nexus attack when no one was given any prior warning as to what was going to happen nor any concrete instructions? Remember how Daniel Bryan got fired over it? Um, that’s the story, anyway. But I still think the Montreal Screwjob was a work, too. So … WWE learned nothing, then? I mean, Alex Riley attacked that weird black guy. Percy Watson? Seriously, that justified Riley not winning this shit. What a dumb fuck. That was major league dumb-ass shit, worse than TNA, worse than your run-of-the-mill indie, worse than Michael Jackson. I was morbidly excited for the post-NXT 3 attack, when that huge girl would go wild and fucking cripple someone. Now, nothing. Can’t wait to see the ratings for that season, by the way. Unless there’s some lesbian shit going on, no one’s watching. I might not even watch if there was.

OK, we’re all done here. College football begins, and what the hell is better than that? Also, we’re playing the new Stargazer album “A Great Work of Ages.” Really good, perplexing, occult death metal. It’s like Portal, only with the genius not buried under a cloud of thunder. Aussie metal’s basically awesome right now. So sure, why not? Go get yourself a drink.

– Brian

Mick Foley had a cult following of fat kids who loved the way he stood out from the norm and they sang his praises to everyone.

Kevin Smith had a cult following of fat kids who loved the way he stood out from the norm and they sang his praises to everyone.

Mick Foley started as an independent wrestler, making $20 or less a night while having critically acclaimed matches.

Kevin Smith started as an independent filmmaker, making Clerks for $27,575, which was a critically acclaimed movie.

Mick Foley struggled in the mainstream world of WCW, escaping to do more art in ECW.

Kevin Smith struggled with the mainstream making Mallrats, escaping to make the artier Chasing Amy.

Mick Foley is a writer, well-spoken, loves porn and married a much hotter woman than he has any right to be married to.

Kevin Smith is a writer, well-spoken, loves porn and married a much hotter woman than he has any right to be married to.

Mick Foley had a great career, retired, yet came back to WWE several times to diminishing returns.

Kevin Smith had a great career, stopped making movies set in New Jersey, yet came back to those characters to diminishing returns.

Mick Foley has written several books, each less enjoyable than the first, including Tietam Brown, in which the main character’s dad gets naked, drinks beer and lifts weights in front of him all at the same time. I’m not lying.

Kevin Smith has written several comic books, each less enjoyable than the first, including a recent issue of Batman where Batman pissed his pants. I’m not lying.

Mick Foley went to TNA, where they aren’t confident to put him in matches, as he meets more and more critical derision.

Kevin Smith went on to direct Cop Out, a movie so bad his name isn’t even used in the TV commercials as he meets more and more critical derision.

Mick Foley is from New York. Kevin Smith is from nearby New Jersey.

Mick Foley named his son for a cartoon duck. Kevin Smith named his daughter for a cartoon crazy woman.

Mick Foley uses self-deprecating humor about his looks and his growing weight.

Kevin Smith uses self-deprecating humor about his looks and his growing weight, which is growing to the point that he was kicked off a plane.

Mick Foley got so mad about a sign in the crowd at ECW, he cut a famous promo about it.

Kevin Smith was so upset about reviews on IMDB, he made Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back about it.

Mick Foley is often found at comic book conventions, selling his autograph.

Kevin Smith is often found at comic book conventions, selling his autograph.

Mick Foley worked for Vince McMahon, a noted asshole who he nonetheless had a good relationship with.

Kevin Smith worked for Harvey Weinstein, a noted asshole who he nonetheless had a good relationship with.

Sam Panico used to love the work of Mick Foley and Kevin Smith, and has been horribly let down by both of them.

They just did a TNA Special. The heel girls went over, the face girls attacked them and rather than use the PPV to get over the mystery of the motorcycle woman, they revealed her as Tara.

Remember, when you were younger, people in wrestling were smarter than you. Today, you know so much more than them. And the world sucks.

If we have bad ass Stevie now, why did we have Dr. Stevie back then?

Also, they have a directive to swear now on Reaction. Which comes off crazy fake. And I have seen these same video packages on Impact on Reaction, so I care even less.

I’ll be honest. I am only listening to TNA. Like it’s the Ark of the Covenant being opened.

Wait a sec.

Stevie just beat Abyss.

Who has a big match with Rhino at the PPV…oh, that’s right. Abyss attacked him afterward. Because the match doesn’t end with a three count, as this is TNA. TO THE BACK! EV 2.0 being kept in the back.

Win and losses, best of luck in your future endeavors.

Brian Kendrick just saved Stevie.

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK.

In case I could not carry any more about this, I don’t.

By putting Pope with Anderson, they have weighed the ring toward my hate like two fat kids on a see saw.

Foley. Dreamer. Fortune. And blah.

Sabu looks like a hardcore fetus. Or the V baby.

Tommy made a challenge. What’s gonna happen…TO THE BACK. JJ and Samoa Joe. It’s up to Joe to do the right thing. The right thing would be leaving TNA.

Super Giant Ninja and I are talking and I will be providing fantasy booking as the show continues. Here’s my angle pitch: Samoe Joe vs. Joe Lider in a feud over the name Joe. In the final match, Joe hits the muscle buster so hard, Joe Lider’s head fliers up like a Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robot.

NOTE: Jeff Jarrett backstage shoot. I hate every minute of this.

SUPER GIANT NINJA IM ALERT!
It’s like Russo watched Wrestling With Shadows a few weeks ago and rebuilt the company to match

NOTE: Hulk Hogan has an office.
ALSO: Hulk Hogan has a rubber stamp.

Who out there wants to see Jarrett on TV? His kids would rather watch Kurt Angle matches. And that’s the real shame here.

Wow, did that suck.

It sucked more than anything and well. here comes Hogan. Guess who does not care? ME!

Joe does the save and Sting says, “Joe, please you don’t want this. Do you remember how many spots we blew last time we worked?”

Has anyone seen the new Burger King commercial? Why is Bryan Danielson on the roof with a golf club in the rain?

M. Night Shyamalan is to Vince Russo as Oliver Stone is to Eric Bischoff.

AN IM CONVO!
SGN: Eli Roth should direct TNA
SAM: That’s because everyone would die and I’d get to see Velvet Skye’s tits.

God Jesus, I love Magnus so much. So much. He’s so bad at this that I love him. He’s cutting a promo on the Machine Guns and I want to hug him. Seriously, this promo has been great. Nuts, girl talk, darling, $10 and 5 minutes, girls smiling, good lord this is so good. If this was TNA all the time, I would love it. This was one of the better TNA segments in awhile. Of course, the Guns will lose.

TO THE BACK. EV 2.0 are all going down.

They said, hey, how can we make Sam hate EV 2.0 more? Put Spanky in it.

SUPER GIANT NINJA IM ALERT!
Raven fucked girls uglier than Spanky
Dreamer married one
Mick is one

EV 2.0 vs. Fortune. For free.

Is TNA so bad that God has smiled on Sabu and does not allow him to blow spots any more?

Sabu just did a fucking Aerostar dive. I have nothing left. I just died with a smile.

AN IM CONVO!
SGN:Juventud should come in and be World Champion.
SAM : I agree. And then Dreamer will not let anyone shit in his bag.

You know, schmozz has two zz’s in it. I need one more and this match will put me to sleep.

This match is…not good. At all. It doesn’t seem to end, either. My dog has dried shit in his fur and it’s more interesting than this. Having Angelo bite me > TNA.

Tommy Dreamer wears MMA gear. Really.

SUPER GIANT NINJA IM ALERT
MMA gloves are the new kickpads

Tommy just did a side headlock on the mat. That explains the MMA gloves.

AN IM CONVERSATION!
SGN: Dreamer just whipped out a Crossface? His wife and kids better check into a hotel.
SAM: The pepto and corks are in the side yard.

AJ wins and there you go.

I wish Mr. Anderson would get his old name back. I also wish Sirhan Sirhan would get out of jail.

I wish Pope would keep his name. I also wish Mehmet Ali Agca would get out of jail.

This is over. And then, it hits me.

There is another hour of this shit.

Anderson just threw the worst worked punch ever.

PARTNERS FIGHTING.

THIS.

IS.

TNA!

Angle just legit raped Jeff Hardy. I say, “Fuck, yes.”

Reaction has started. Time to swear.

SUPER GIANT NINJA IM ALERT
I wish all TV shows had an hour of denouement. Like all the actors on a show talking out of character about the plot of the show.

Anderson is offering free shots. Anyone can hit him. Florida. You are so fucking far away.

You know that song Angel in the Centerfold? That’s how I feel about Mick Foley.

Oh, Jeff Jarrett just swore. That’s F-U-C-K.

NO TNA NEXT WEEK!

You know I learned from the Jesse Neal interview? It’s carny bullshit to use death to get yourself over. Plus, he has PTSD. I would not want to work him after hearing him talk.

Hahaha Hogan shoot promo, brother. Cross the line. At the wrong time. Eric carny talk.

How does Tara get to come back?

Who is the face? Who is the heel?

The girls cut promos on one another that violated every rule I have ever been taught about promos. They said that the matches will be easy. That they won’t matter. That no one knows who the other is. Therefore, I have no reason to watch this match.

Seriously, I do not want to see any of the matches on the PPV.

This isn’t about storyline. This is real.

Wow.

4 minutes left. I can make it. I can make it to the end of TNA.

Kurt is mad as fuck. We end on him saying that Jeff Hardy is a piece of shit.

That’s the best way to finish this.
-Sam

If you listened to the crowd, no one was even aware it had begun.

They talked to all five of the losers and Lucky Cannon tried his hardest to be a heel. It was awesome in the complete lameness in that he is worse than even TNA level. He’s like an indy dude who hasn’t even learned how to work a hard cam. Only Percy got any reaction at all. Husky said something about being born better. Like he was teasing a new Legacy, some would think, but if you think there was any common sense behind this show, I invite you to watch the last ten minutes of this show.

Perfect’s Kid versus Alex Ogre versus Low-Ki
Whoever was the agent for this match didn’t get the memo that no one is allowed to do chops in the fed except asians. Seriously, this was an indy grade three way but perhaps worse, as Alex Riley continually is a step away from where he should be, throwing off the convoluted three way spots. Actually, this wasn’t an indy match because no one got hurt and no one tried a stack up corner spot. Alex Riley wins with the finish that they now called the Meltzer, as he hates it so much. One guy hits his finish, another guy throws him out and steals the pin. Watch Impact this week, you’ll see it twice.

They interview all the guys and Alex Riley gets eliminated, in a shock, because well, book to swerve. Miz high fiving everyone earlier was a million times better than anything so far on this show.

After way too many video packages, the two finalists cut a promo. Not since Kaval responded to Steve Corino saying, “Have a good match” with “BE READY” have I been happier hearing him talk. Mr. Perfect’s wife must have fucked around while he was on the road, that’s the only answer to my question of DNA here. Or talent skips a generation, because Larry “The Axe” wasn’t too good, either.

Let’s all take a look at Cody Rhodes’ gay jacket.

Scans in this post come from lordpeepness on WO message board. I cannot be bothered to download this show.

Kaval wins. Everybody is happy. Except Joe Hennig. He cuts one of the worst, if not the worst promos I have ever heard, containing this statement:
“This is the moment at this very moment, beginning at this moment that starts the genesis of Michael McGuilicutty.”

You know, the dude on WO.com didn’t tell you this, but the end of this show? The worst clusterfuck you have ever seen on TV. Alex Riley hit his finish on Percy Watson, who ended up on the same side as him. MVP’s kick got no sold by Titus O’Neil. Lucky Cannon…

He nearly killed Kaval. Everyone did. The ref was yelling spots so fucking loud they came out on camera. The pros didn’t run in to help. Yes, this was the NXT Raw moment, but done with guys who have no business being there…and Kaval.

You know, if everyone ends up with a job out of NXT, why was there even a competition? It kind of takes all the drama out of it. The fact that Eli Cottingwood is on TV while there are so many more talented guys out there who would die for that spot boggles what is left of my wrestling smarts.

Next season, it’s all Divas. Thank you WWE for saving me an hour of watching wrestling. I lied. I am going to watch the fuck out of this.

Kelly Kelly will coach former NBA cheerleader Naomi Night.

Alicia Fox will coach Maxine.

Goldust has Aksana. CTL exclusive: she beat Native America Pharaoh’s ex-girlfriend to win the Arnold Classic.

The Bella Twins will teach something, anything to ring announcer Jamie Keyes.

Primo Colon will coach the girl who fat kids on the internet will pull their puds to, A.J. Lee. I am more shocked that Primo is still around.

And Vickie Guerrero coaches Aloisia. Who is 6 foot 9 inches tall.

I would assume that she will end up fucking Great Khali, who much like Superman, has never been laid because his kryptonite sperm would shoot a rock through most girl’s backs.

Oh, NXT. The last 10 minutes were the best thing I have ever seen. I hope whomever was the agent on this is fired, much like the dude who forgot to tell the last NXT class not to choke people. That ended up OK, though, I guess.
-Sam

We open with Bret Hart. Bret has always been public with how much he would have liked to have worked another program with the UT, so his mentioning, and eventual GM deciding of a match between the two makes a lot of sense, especially for a nostalgia show… except that everything Kane said in his promo was true. Especially the scraggly part. So no one really believes this match is happening.

We move on to a three way tag match with Miz & Alex Riley/Daniel Bryan & Kaval/Koofey & Michael McGillicutty. I was rather happy with this match. It gave the season two guys a good amount of face time on TV while having a finish that made sense. Miz gets more of a push but keeps Bryant in the spotlight. Riley and Koofey were the ones that faded to the background on this which means they will fuck up and give the win to Riley tomorrow.

Then things went into the “off peak” programming:

* Divas are pretty. Unification match at Noche de Campiones! Now who wants to pay $45 to see it?

* Cody Rhodes is pretty. He teams with Drew McIntyre against R Truth and John Morrison. DQ.

This burns enough time to bring us to the magic portion of the evening. Street Fightin’ Variant Brett Hart comes out, as does UT. Then down comes Barrett, who cuts a promo that says that everyone doesn’t care about the past, they care about the future. Well delivered, but completely untrue. Run a show with WWE Legends against a show with future WWE stars of tomorrow and tell me who has the better gate. He interjects himself into the match. Then Kane uses his magic… 4 times. He makes people appear and disappear and reappear and end up on Wade Barrett’s shoulders. He hits his finisher, called Wasteland, and shows UT fear in a handful of dust…

Look, I have an English minor. I have to make references like this. It is programmed into me. I know, it doesn’t even fit in the context of what I was saying. Sorry.

Anyway, yeah, four magical phenomenon. Perfect time to announce the ghost hunters as your next guest hosts. I am sure SyFy would love that.

Back to “off peak” and we have Borne vs Swagger. It was an OK match until it became the background noise to Albert Del Rio. He has a great heel persona, sort of JBL – aggressive + arrogant. Borne overshoots the Shooting Star and Swagger, who gets better every week, but no one seems to care, puts on the ankle lock. I actually hate that he is doing this now. It makes him way too much of a Kurt rip off, and Kurt does it better, both the character and the hold.

Del Rio immediately gets on the stick and apologizes to his RAW fans that they didn’t get to see what he did to Rey on Smackdown…. so he will recreate it on Borne, thus cementing Borne as the RAW Rey. He grabs a chair that he doesn’t use, slap on a bad cross-armbreaker, throws Borne to the floor, grabs the chair that he brought from the floor into the ring back out to the floor, and fakes like he is going to break Borne’s arm with it when… Mark Henry??? Really? He is coming in for the save? Guess who is moving to Friday nights?

The problem with having Del Rio do a cross arm breaker is he doesn’t make it look like he is shooting it. If you are going to do an MMA move in pro wrestling today, you have to do it tight and not allow any light through. Put your legs down and make it look like you are trying to hyper-extend his elbow. Give him something else. I hear calf branding is making a comeback…

Punk and Big show do a pretty decent comedy bit. Punk can pull off the whole idea of “Here is why RAW sucks” better than most. Think he gets buried because 50% of the suck clips had Triple H? They tease SCSA before having Show come out, talk talk talk, oddly placed Borat reference, chop, fight, run.

Serena, could you tell your boobs i will miss them on Smackdown? Her absence was never even discussed.

This brings us to the final. Five on five. Immediately, Jericho and Edge bail. Sheamus, who was a chickenshit heel champ in the past, for some reason stays and gets pinned. Orton and Cena clean house, but Cena wears himself out doing the STFU and just lays there while Gabs hits the 450 for the pin. Orton is the one man wrecking ball who hits 2 pretty quick RKOs for pins before waling into Barrett’s Wasteland. Oed’ und leer das Meer. In the end, Barrett gets the big nod and pins Orton Clean… which is what should have happened and made sense. I was a little shocked.

So yeah, 900 RAWs. On TV. Yeeeeeeeeaaaaa!

So, anyone want to buy a PPV?

Need proof?

Dancing Jushin Lyger
Uploaded by thecubsfan. – The best Latino videos on the web.

Jesus Christ, dude. Thanks to thecubsfan for posting this.

Gordon Solie trivia? Yep. You bet.

It’s everyone’s favorite wrestling podcast for the last 29 years, Counting the Lights.

Please enjoy.