10/10/10. That’s when THEY take over. Well, ME, I don’t care MYSELF.
They just did a TNA Special. The heel girls went over, the face girls attacked them and rather than use the PPV to get over the mystery of the motorcycle woman, they revealed her as Tara.
Remember, when you were younger, people in wrestling were smarter than you. Today, you know so much more than them. And the world sucks.
If we have bad ass Stevie now, why did we have Dr. Stevie back then?
Also, they have a directive to swear now on Reaction. Which comes off crazy fake. And I have seen these same video packages on Impact on Reaction, so I care even less.
I’ll be honest. I am only listening to TNA. Like it’s the Ark of the Covenant being opened.
Wait a sec.
Stevie just beat Abyss.
Who has a big match with Rhino at the PPV…oh, that’s right. Abyss attacked him afterward. Because the match doesn’t end with a three count, as this is TNA. TO THE BACK! EV 2.0 being kept in the back.
Win and losses, best of luck in your future endeavors.
Brian Kendrick just saved Stevie.
WHAT.
THE.
FUCK.
In case I could not carry any more about this, I don’t.
By putting Pope with Anderson, they have weighed the ring toward my hate like two fat kids on a see saw.
Foley. Dreamer. Fortune. And blah.
Sabu looks like a hardcore fetus. Or the V baby.
Tommy made a challenge. What’s gonna happen…TO THE BACK. JJ and Samoa Joe. It’s up to Joe to do the right thing. The right thing would be leaving TNA.
Super Giant Ninja and I are talking and I will be providing fantasy booking as the show continues. Here’s my angle pitch: Samoe Joe vs. Joe Lider in a feud over the name Joe. In the final match, Joe hits the muscle buster so hard, Joe Lider’s head fliers up like a Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robot.
NOTE: Jeff Jarrett backstage shoot. I hate every minute of this.
SUPER GIANT NINJA IM ALERT!
It’s like Russo watched Wrestling With Shadows a few weeks ago and rebuilt the company to match
NOTE: Hulk Hogan has an office.
ALSO: Hulk Hogan has a rubber stamp.
Who out there wants to see Jarrett on TV? His kids would rather watch Kurt Angle matches. And that’s the real shame here.
Wow, did that suck.
It sucked more than anything and well. here comes Hogan. Guess who does not care? ME!
Joe does the save and Sting says, “Joe, please you don’t want this. Do you remember how many spots we blew last time we worked?”
Has anyone seen the new Burger King commercial? Why is Bryan Danielson on the roof with a golf club in the rain?
M. Night Shyamalan is to Vince Russo as Oliver Stone is to Eric Bischoff.
AN IM CONVO!
SGN: Eli Roth should direct TNA
SAM: That’s because everyone would die and I’d get to see Velvet Skye’s tits.
God Jesus, I love Magnus so much. So much. He’s so bad at this that I love him. He’s cutting a promo on the Machine Guns and I want to hug him. Seriously, this promo has been great. Nuts, girl talk, darling, $10 and 5 minutes, girls smiling, good lord this is so good. If this was TNA all the time, I would love it. This was one of the better TNA segments in awhile. Of course, the Guns will lose.
TO THE BACK. EV 2.0 are all going down.
They said, hey, how can we make Sam hate EV 2.0 more? Put Spanky in it.
SUPER GIANT NINJA IM ALERT!
Raven fucked girls uglier than Spanky
Dreamer married one
Mick is one
EV 2.0 vs. Fortune. For free.
Is TNA so bad that God has smiled on Sabu and does not allow him to blow spots any more?
Sabu just did a fucking Aerostar dive. I have nothing left. I just died with a smile.
AN IM CONVO!
SGN:Juventud should come in and be World Champion.
SAM : I agree. And then Dreamer will not let anyone shit in his bag.
You know, schmozz has two zz’s in it. I need one more and this match will put me to sleep.
This match is…not good. At all. It doesn’t seem to end, either. My dog has dried shit in his fur and it’s more interesting than this. Having Angelo bite me > TNA.
Tommy Dreamer wears MMA gear. Really.
SUPER GIANT NINJA IM ALERT
MMA gloves are the new kickpads
Tommy just did a side headlock on the mat. That explains the MMA gloves.
AN IM CONVERSATION!
SGN: Dreamer just whipped out a Crossface? His wife and kids better check into a hotel.
SAM: The pepto and corks are in the side yard.
AJ wins and there you go.
I wish Mr. Anderson would get his old name back. I also wish Sirhan Sirhan would get out of jail.
I wish Pope would keep his name. I also wish Mehmet Ali Agca would get out of jail.
This is over. And then, it hits me.
There is another hour of this shit.
Anderson just threw the worst worked punch ever.
PARTNERS FIGHTING.
THIS.
IS.
TNA!
Angle just legit raped Jeff Hardy. I say, “Fuck, yes.”
Reaction has started. Time to swear.
SUPER GIANT NINJA IM ALERT
I wish all TV shows had an hour of denouement. Like all the actors on a show talking out of character about the plot of the show.
Anderson is offering free shots. Anyone can hit him. Florida. You are so fucking far away.
You know that song Angel in the Centerfold? That’s how I feel about Mick Foley.
Oh, Jeff Jarrett just swore. That’s F-U-C-K.
NO TNA NEXT WEEK!
You know I learned from the Jesse Neal interview? It’s carny bullshit to use death to get yourself over. Plus, he has PTSD. I would not want to work him after hearing him talk.
Hahaha Hogan shoot promo, brother. Cross the line. At the wrong time. Eric carny talk.
How does Tara get to come back?
Who is the face? Who is the heel?
The girls cut promos on one another that violated every rule I have ever been taught about promos. They said that the matches will be easy. That they won’t matter. That no one knows who the other is. Therefore, I have no reason to watch this match.
Seriously, I do not want to see any of the matches on the PPV.
This isn’t about storyline. This is real.
Wow.
4 minutes left. I can make it. I can make it to the end of TNA.
Kurt is mad as fuck. We end on him saying that Jeff Hardy is a piece of shit.
Do I want to watch TNA after a week of working a lot? Nope.
Is Dixie Carter the first person on TV? Yes.
She has her own entrance music.
Hard times make success sweeter. When has TNA had any success? When have they showed a profit? It’s a family. Sure, it is. The critics gave them 8 weeks to succeed and here they are 8 years later having more success than ever before. Really? A 1.0 is a success? They have lost ratings and alienated their core audience.
Note: Dixie Carter would make an amazing account executive in the ad industry. She spins bullshit, tries to get everyone to like her and ultimately knows less than shit.
According to Wikipedia: Carter worked as an intern with Levenson and Hill, a marketing and advertisement firm in the Las Colinas suburb of Dallas, Texas. Upon graduating, Carter became a full-time employee of Levenson and Hill, receiving a promotion to the position of vice president at the age of 27.
Right now Ric Flair is trying to fuck her. Putting Dixie over on every single show makes this the worst carny shit ever. Does anyone out there want to see her on TV? No. Except Dixie Carter. And maybe her husband, who fuck this shit just did a run-in to save her.
Hulk Hogan just did a walk-in to save Dixie’s husband.
This is where the review should end.
Anything written after this, please realize that I have given up on life and want to die.
So Hulk is feuding with Flair who is feuding with EV2.0.
That makes sense.
Oh, there’s EV 2.0. So the heels are outnumbered at least 2-1.
Speaking of EV 2.0, has anyone read Mick Foley’s diatribe about Dave Meltzer? I am going to write about it at length soon, but what a fucking joke sums it up.
So Cal Val is being molested by Orlando Jordan, but fuck yeah, because Samoa Joe is back and to be honest, this is gonna be a fucking hate crime.
Orlando Jordan’s heat consists of punches.
That’s it.
A fucking squash. As it should be. Joe beat him…no. Not Jeff Jarrett. Please keep Joe out of your angle.
You know, Jeff Jarrett is that annoying bitch that always says shit like, it’s been five years since…Joe you’ve come a long way in five years…I was a big part of it. Fuck this.
The fact that I am watching and writing more is proof that a man can’t live without a heart.
Wait, so…Sting and Nash are ripping the hearts and souls out of TNA. Just like Fortune. The same angle twice? Um. You know. Um. Fuck this.
Nash vs. Jarrett is up now and I ask…who is the face? Who is the heel? Am I more inclined to believe Nash?
Eric Bischoff is out doing a promo. Sting wants Hogan. Hogan with the lightest chairshot ever. Hogan’s music has played for the 4th time in 40 minutes.
Dreamer and Hogan talking. Weird camera angle. Dreamer being all bro with Hogan. Bro. Bro. Bro.
In the time it took me to look up, Beer Money squashed the FBI.
Beautiful People Russo written woman hating promo.
Machine Guns talk about getting new Rock Band early. But they are playing Green Day Rock Band. Fucking liars.
And now, we are watching the British dudes go shopping.
Machine Guns and Generation Me had a match and I was looking at old 80s toys. So, um, sorry.
I am halfway through TNA. It feels like it will never end.
For some reason, Sting just attacked Flair and said they are coming for Fortune.
Who is the face? Who is the heel?
Dear TNA:
Why would you not set up Hardy and Angle in the finals at the next PPV instead of wasting it on this one?
Why is Stevie RIchards throwing worked punches TO THE BACK?
TNA. We are long swearing fights with no commentary in the back with Abyss.
Seriously, Stevie just did Popeye punches. Fuck this.
AND THE WORST IRISH WHIP I HAVE EVER SEEN EVER. Don Muraco is shitting on that Irish whip it sucked so bad.
Rhino just called out Abyss and there you go. More worked looking punches from Rhino. This should be violent and instead looks fake.
I hate the EV 2.0 shirts. Then again, I hated most of the ECW shirts. Wait. This match with Abyss just ended. What the fuck?
Finally. The main event. Fortune vs. Hogan’s team. Ah, all the faces will have entrances so I can get back to important things like spraying Urine Gone! where my animals piss all over the carpet.
I wish I had the Kurt Angle elevator. Every time I had to talk to my boss, I would rise up from the floor. It would be fucking great.
This match has so many problems. TNA is sorely in need of agents to put matches together. AJ is the leader of the heels but instead of being a chicken shit heel, he is in the ring doing babyface spots and cutting guys off all by himself. The faces were never in any danger. Not until the end of the match after the finish, but by then, EV 2.0 did a run-in and it didn’t matter. Just a match that had no plan, the heels need heat and instead they did a job and fuck this.
Reaction is on now and Tommy Dreamer is walking around holding AJ by the back of the head. I hate that spot. If you are brawling on the floor, brawl. Don’t walk around holding their head.
Dude, um, does anyone hear the difference after 11? Mike Tenay says bullshit. How fucking gay.
Now, we’re seeing the same Fortune vs. EV2.0 video that we’ve seen a bunch of times.
We just wasted 30 seconds seeing Tommy Dreamer hunt for AJ and not be able to catch up to him.
Kurt Angle just buried every angle going on. I love him.
Tommy Dreamer is still looking for AJ.
He should look at Arby’s. That way, his fat ass can get a meal. Usually, you can find AJ there.
Somehow, Reaction is worse than Impact. How can this happen? It does.
WHY THE FUCK IS SABU TALKING?
Also, why is there a fireplace backstage in the Impact zone?
You know, these Reaction interviews aren’t interesting or fun or enlightening. Do I want to see Stevie Richards talk about receipts? I know what they are. Do fans? Well, 1.0 of the audience is probably the most hardcore of fans, so I guess that yes. Yes, go ahead.
Jesus Christ. Let Eric have a drink before he does his promos. I don’t want to hear phlegm.
You know when you get hurt and time slows down? That’s this show.
Mr. Anderson is bitching about making $40 when he first broke into wrestling. Fuck him. Where the fuck was he getting booked?
I like that the 4 guys who could win the title belt don’t give a shit and question the decision to even be in the tournament.
Tonight’s Impact Players are the guys who did the job! Hey, Generation Me!
These guys are talking about Jesus. Being drug free. Not partying, getting a bite to eat, talking to one of their girlfriends and going to sleep. I see a heel turn.
They are living their dream. Making $350 a night.
I went into this liking Generation Me and came out hating them.
TNA. You have 12 minutes left. Make me smile. Show me hope.
London Brawling. Haha, they should be The Guns of Brixton!
Why is everyone burying the title tournament? Or admitting they are on the brink of destruction? They are always on the brink of destruction.
TNA is the girlfriend who is always getting into drama and then posts on Facebook looking for sympathy.
I wish TNA was Samoa Joe murdering Jeff Jarrett week in and week out.
Dear Jeff Jarrett,
Remind me to never ask you for a favor. You go on and on and do not let people forget.
Thanks,
Sam
Mick Foley has become Metallica. Something I once loved with all my heart and now wish to never hear of again.
Ric Flair just used the phrase “25 star match.” I fucking love him.
At the end of the show, AJ gets jumped by Tommy. How the fuck did he get his number? Really. How did he? Did he use one of those sites online?
TNA. I beat you. You fuckers. I BEAT YOU.
Hahaha the words to the Reaction theme contains the words, “Nothing makes sense to me anymore.” -Sam
Graves descending down
Why would you help anyone who doesn’t want it,
doesn’t need it, doesn’t want your shit advice
when a mind’s made up to go ahead and die?
What’s done is done and gone, so why cry?
Yes. I am going to watch six hours of TNA in a row.
The first is the Whole F’n Show. No promos. 2 hours of PPV quality matches. You know, I bet they’re just like the other matches TNA gives away for free. I love when everyone figures out when carny hucksters are carny hucksters and they get a 1.0 rating.
I am eating a bowl of Cap’n Crunch Home Run Crunch while I watch this. It is supposed to look like red balls and blue baseball bats. However, it looks like I am eating a bowl of dicks.
Up first is AJ vs, Angle. Angle is putting his career up and AJ isn’t putting up his TV belt. Keep in mind, this Angle angle will end in a few hours. Ready to fly?
Seriously, fans, never teach your dog to like cereal. Mine is barking in my fucking ear while I try and watch this. Every bark is like a bullet made of glass shards inside my brain. It’s 10:31 AM on a Saturday and I am watching TNA for you.
Taz explains that AJ’s new tattoo is the birthdates of his children. Way to be a monster heel. That guy’s a dick. He loves his fucking kids!
You know who got married this weekend? Jeff Jarrett. You know who was there? Kurt/Angle. I wonder if he came to the reception and appeared out of the ground in his special elevator.
My dog is still barking. It’s ironic that I spent $70 on training classes for him so he wouldn’t bark around my girlfriend, then three days later she dumped me. Ironic 10,000 spoons style, because he is still barking RIGHT INSIDE MY BRAIN while I try and make, suffer, make it through Impact.
Three hours of Impact sounds like the porn I watched this morning.
Wow, these guys are really moving. It’s been a fun match so far.
From here on out, I will tell you everyone’s new name when they start with NXT in a few seasons.
AJ Style will be PJ Soles.
Kurt/Angle will be Kurt Angle.
My favorite TNA chant is “This is wrestling.” I chanted “This is music,” while I listened to Best Coast earlier. Also, when I woke up this morning, it was to “At The Base Of The Giants Throat” by Battle of Mice. You want to have fucked up dreams when you’re just waking up? Listen to this song.
Holy shit, Angle just did an Asai Moonsault into the ring. What the fuck is wrong with him? Would he like another broken neck? Amazing.Seriously, if you’re looking for a match that delivers, these two always do it.
The finish to this was great. AJ distracted the ref and went for a low blow kick, which Kurt caught and tapped him out with his Ankle Lock that he had been fighting for the entire match. Wow. That was great.
Angelina Love is fighting Madison Reign and her horrible hair for the TNA Knockouts title. There haven’t been girls on NXT (next season) yet, so I can’t give these two names.
Last week, FCW and WWE did one of those cash grabs, I mean, tryout camps. Here’s what they said in the Observer:
Sexy Star from AAA was at the FCW tryouts two weeks back in Tampa. At the tryouts, she did a match against New York Knockout Nikki (Toni the Top inWrestlelicious–those who have seen her have said she’s a great heel but absolutely doesn’t have the look WWE wants). She Nay Nay also tried out. The WWE reaction was that of the 63 people who tried out, paying $1,000 to be seen, that about 50 of them had no business being there. We heard they were impressed with the fundamental skills of the guys Lance Storm trained, one of whom was signed to a contract. As for Sexy Star, they thought her work was terrible, her English was terrible and they also thought she was overweight and wasn’t pretty enough without the mask. John Laurinaitis told the officials at FCW that when it comes to hiring women, the standard is if they aren’t pretty enough to be in Playboy, then the company wouldn’t want them.
Bah. I love Sexy Star. Also, the Fed made $63,000 last weekend off people. $63,000.
Mike Tenay: Lacey Von Erich suffered a broken cheekbone. She’s going to be sidelined for several weeks.
Taz: Well, we wish her well(breaks out in to laughter).
Is Taz saying the shit I want him to say? Am I really in The Matrix and none of this is real?
Let’s say you like umm…you like Nerds candy. And you need Nerds candy to relax because your neck is sore. And your room mate likes Nerds, too. Well , say you show your room mate where you keep your Nerds candy. And on a Saturday morning of watching Impact, let’s say that you really would like some Nerds. Well, you go to get the Nerds, and your room mate has smoked all of them. That’s the situation we’re facing here.
OK. So the motorcycle girl comes out for no reason, then gets hit by a chair by Velvet Skye. She takes off her helmet and she has on a mask under it. Meanwhile, there is a heel spot in the ring and of course, the face still kicks out because that’s TNA™. This is all happening at the same time, instead of staggering shit out like they teach you in wrestling, so that each thing gets its own pop and happens so the fans can process it. No, this is TNA™.
Angelina wins the belt and there you have it, fans. So the motorcycle girl was ineffectual, at best.
Anderson vs. Pope vs. Matt Morgan.
This is like a Slipknot song.
No, not shitty and derivative. I meant “All Hope Is Gone.”
This match ended like every TNA match. I fast forwarded it.
Jeff Hardy made an Open Challenge match and everyone was like, “A new dude is coming.”
Ryan and I knew Aiwass, in his form of Rikishi, would have nothing to do with TNA.
That’s who answered. Shannon Moore.
Want to be the TNA crowd? Sure you do. Go get a balloon. Blow it up. Wow, it looks nice. You’re pretty excited about that balloon. Now, quickly let all the air out. Sucks now, huh? Congratulations. Now, you are the TNA crowd during this match.
Hahaha TNA was paid by the new movies Vampires Suck to plug them during this match.
Hahahahahhahahahha.
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA.
Shannon Moore and Jeff Hardy have both been in WWE, so they don’t get NXT names.
Beer Money and MCMG are next. People are chanting this is awesome before the match even starts. Ah, TNA crowd.
Beer Money will change their names for NXT.
James Storm will be known as Normal Fell. Bobby Rude will be known as Jack Tripper. Together, they will be Two’s Company.
Chris Sabin will be known as Edward Teller, named after the father of the hydrogen bomb. Alex Shelley will be known as Jacob Besser, named after the only man to do two nuclear bomb drops. They will be known as Team Edward Jacob.
Heels win the first fall, as is right. Great so far. Also, there was a Silver King dive here. Silver King is the best heel ever, because, well, just check this out from the Observer:
They are doing an angle with Silver King and Dr. Wagner Jr. where Silver King has produced an old audio tape of their father saying that the reason he gave Wagner Jr. his name instead of Silver King is because Silver King was such a natural in the ring that he wouldn’t need it, but Wagner Jr. would. Wagner Jr. will then get all bent out of shape with the idea that his father didn’t think he was talented enough to make it without the name.
Hahahhaa holy shit, the faces win the second fall and then Sabin gets taken out in a wacky bump. I jump up, run around the room and eat 9 Jolly Ranchers in my fervor.
The crowd kept chanting match of the year, but you know, that was a pretty fucking good match. A lot of fun and some great near falls. Enjoyable. You should probably seek this out if you haven’t seen it.
I will show you how many times they show Dixie during Abyss and RVD.
Abyss just poured out glass and thumbtacks. On free TV. Wow.
Why is Eric Bischoff the ref here? He’s done nothing. Is this now a true indy and a ref no showed?
Abyss now pulled a barbed wire board out from under the ring. How early does he get to the show to leave all this shit under the ring? I can buy an extra chair being under there. This, however…
RVD hits a crazy Coast to Coast with barbed wire, a chair and do we get a replay? No. We get this.
Keep in mind, these aren’t grabs of one time they showed her. They showed Dixie this many times during this match.
Van Dam actually said this, again, thanks to the Observer:
Van Dam, who as mentioned is someone that was and still is generally liked, got a lot of detractors when he wrote, “I’d imagine a lot of the old TNA guys are feeling like they’re taking a back seat. The thing is..you can’t argue with numbers. Last week TNA broke new all-time records for ratings! TNA needed a change. The 6-sided ring and the great technical wrestlers–that nobody knew–wasn’t working. TNA brought in two rock stars, and look at the company now! Dixie often points out how hiring Jeff Hardy and RVD started a whole new era, why do some of the wrestlers not see it? Too young, too green, too selfish to have the correct perspective. Whereas some of the TNA `stars’ are lucky to get recognized walking around the studios, Jeff and myself live like actual celebrities, signing autographs and taking pictures EVERYWHERE we go. Without experiencing this, it’s probably hard to imagine. In fact, very few wrestlers stick out in people’s minds the way that Jeff and I do. WE love our fans and we love their love. TNA is blowing up. Good things will come our way and I see it all happening now. This is a very exciting time. More people watching TNA means more people exposed to the other wrestlers on the card too…as long as they’re good enough to hang around with the rising standards.”
Wow. That 1.0 rating is up as much as down is up.
Whatever. I enjoyed that match for what it was.
What strange netherworld do I live in now where Hogan is doing the Sabu pose?
Dixie got mentioned three times by Hogan. Once by Dreamer. And chanted by the crowd.And shown four times.
Flair and his guys attack EV2.0. And instead of getting heat…the crowd chants, “This is awesome.”
And Flair cuts a promo right on Dixie Carter.
TO THE BACK! Rob Van Dam? Dead.
You know, sometimes, watching Impact makes me feel like this.
That’s right. I finally made an Alejandro Jodoworsky comment in an Impact review. My life is complete.
I watched Reaction. It’s an hour that explains what the last two hours meant. There was more blood on this TNA than in The Expendables. People were out of character somewhat and less scripted, so it at least came across well. But the whole Fortune had this company first and EV 2.0 took over…
Let me ask.
Who is the face?
Who is the heel?
Three hours of TNA down.
Three to go.
Jeff Hardy is beating up Abyss as we start.
I was wondering, how does TNA keep their guys from getting staph infections? Do they use a new canvas every few matches? Now, I have my answer.
Bissell, son.
Also, they digitally blurred Jeff Hardy’s plumber’s crack.
This producer bitch with no name? Concerned.
Sing it with me, fans…
odest to the to
Modest at the top
Straight to the top
and then keep on headin’ up
stars shine for why
we should give a fuck
About what is real
and how real is still
the only way for us
to feel the pain its
sometimes deals
In a way that survives
the struggles we face
in this life there’s a lot
time can’t erase
Make it
to the top of Mt.Profession
Rule it
’til you feel there’s nothing more
for you to do
or say
none of you better get in my way
comin’ down
if you do you’ll be back on level ground
Modest to the top
Modest at the top
Features that keep your head up high
I am a star that shines for why
we should give a thought to our life
in the way we live both day and night
we are the world’s numerous cells
let’s keep it laughter to save ourselves
In a way that can read our planet’s face
in this life there’s a not time can’t erase
showcase
the skills you were
given at birth
live your life here
for what it’s worth
show all the
style you perfect in life
show all the way
to make it right
Make it
to the top of Mt.Profession
Rule it
’til you feel there’s nothing more
for you to do
or say
none of you better get in my way
comin’ down
if you do you’ll be back on level ground
Modest to the top
Modest at the top
Still modest past the top
If you’re tired or thirsty at the top
sleep or drink fast to receive the pop
in a way that stands out for the crowd
in this game there’s a lot they won’t allow
In a way that survives the struggles we face
in this life there’s a not time can’t erase
showcase
the skills you were
given at birth
live your life here
for what it’s worth
show all the
style you perfect in life
show all the way
to make it right
Make it
to the top of Mt.Profession
Rule it
’til you feel there’s nothing more
for you to do
or say
none of you better get in my way
comin’ down
if you do you’ll be back on level ground
Race to the top then keep heading up
From life —-
from boos and chants of disrespect I am a son with an online neck
Modest past the top (past the top)
Whew, I’m beat. Modest.
Eric Bischoff comes out and he’s all sad and shit. Never in his 20 years of wrestling has he seen anything this horrific. Dude was there when the Giant fell off Cobo Hall and said, “You got a parking lot on one side and a river on the other. What’s the difference?”
The first match is Rob Terry vs. Jeff Hardy. Jeff wins with a bad swanton. Then, Hogan tells someone that he loves about the problems in TNA. Hulk, girls hate wrestling. Trust me.
Anderson vs. Jay Lethal. Quick match, Anderson moves on.
Velvet Skye and Angelina Love come back together. But then they get attacked by motorcycle girl and Madison Rayne.
EV2.0 and Fortune go off on each other. They all have contracts now. They didn’t before? Why did EV2.0 invade in the first place?
It was really fast, but I loved Angle and Doug Williams. I would love to see these guys work again.
Sting and Kevin Nash are out. For some reason, I like these guys together. Maybe it’s because Noah gets so happy about it.
They set up Hogan and Jarrett fighting them, the lights go out and Fortune attacks.
Matt Morgan versus the Pope is the final match of the first round of the title tournament. Pope wins with a nice finish.
The main event is Tommy versus AJ. AJ’s music is babyface music. He works like a baby. He is a heel.
Fortune and EV2.0 brawl. Abyss comes out and takes out Tommy. AJ wins. Nice and easy.
Reaction opened with a brawl shot with the Reaction cameras. It was ridiculous. Jeff Hardy took his shirt off during it. What the fuck? Amazing. It was just amazing. I have no words. It was probably one of the most unique things I’ve ever seen in wrestling. And by unique, I mean fucking retarded.
That said, this show is amazing for samples. Just the best show for samples ever. Look for them on a future CTL.
Wait, this line?
“If Generation Me can beat the champions, they will become legitimate contenders.” No, they will become the fucking champs.
I am done with my TNA reviews. Now, I can lead my life again.
Last night, TNA had a PPV. But it didn’t really have any TNA guys on it. This would be par for the course for TNA, however. No, last night as an ECW reunion PPV. Done right, so they said. That’s why, instead of waiting for a month to be in ECW Arena or Hammerstein Ballroom, they did it in the Impact Zone, the place where matches get a “this is awesome” chant in the first five minutes. I’ve seen a lot of reviews on the Observer site that said, “If this was in Philly, the crowd would be shitting all over it.” Please. Let’s not get so full of ourselves. They would have gone crazy for this shitty PPV in Philly.
To everyone – AJ Styles, I am talking to you – who is seeing ECW through rose tinted lenses: ECW was always a spotty indy promotion that just got a cult following.
You may have been watching the show tonight and said, “Wow, Dreamer’s match was overbooked.” That was every single Tommy and Raven match. They never really had a good wrestling match. They had great angles and promos but never a really great in ring match. No, smoke and mirrors: the lights go out, powder, Jerry Lawler smashing one of Tommy’s balls until it swells to the size of a grapefruit and they have to pierce it and let the blood out. That kind of shit.
You may have also said, “Oh, the first matches were all comedy.” No shit. That was ECW as well. So was the nonsensical hardcore tag.
This show did a good job of aping ECW. Some at its best, most at its worst.
We watched the show in the comfort of Noah’s condo. Back in the day, these same people piled into a tiny Mt. Oliver one bedroom apartment and all scrounged together some money for a pizza. Last night, we ate like kings. That is, if kings eat Manwich.
Taz came out and interrupted an amazing game of Uno with his promo. He did not mention pork.
Up first was the FBI versus Kid Kash, Simon Diamond and Johnny Swinger. No one, save a few, knew who Diamond and Swinger were. This is how over ECW in the TNN era was. This match was sad, as everyone wanted ECW to deliver and it delivered what ECW was at the end: comedy matches and playing to the crowd for yuks. That said, I can never and will never say a bad word about Tracy Smothers, who in fact did tell the crowd that “someone was gonna die.” Also, smart marks out there, I was once in a dressing room where a young Mike Quackenbush had an issue with putting over Tracy, because he had never heard of him before. Really.
And then, the highlight of the PPV.
Pitbull #1 Gary Wolfe. Still alive. With a dog next to him in the car that we hoped was like Poochiniski, in that it had the brain of Anthony Durante and they went around changing people’s lives and having adventures.
Blue Meanie was also on. He did a promo half-shoot and then retarded, like his character. If Meanie ever thought he meant anything to ECW, he was replaced with one of the TNA fat security guys and no one was upset. Well, a few people booed. But the show went on. And he didn’t even have to get raped by JBL again.
CW Anderson came out, looking like Red Foreman, and Scorp came out and everyone was pleased. Ah, Scorp. If only you didn’t love the sweet, sweet drugs, what a career you would have had. He finished with a moonsault into a double legdrop move that we could have only hoped would have murdered the fake Arn Anderson. Then, like almost everyone else, they shook hands.
Stevie was in the ring against PJ. This match was everything you can hate bout ECW. To me, ECW died when they tried to make me believe that Aldo Montoya was a world title level wrestler. I can only drink so much Kool Aid before I say, “Oh yeah!” and die. And I died many times in this era. Who amongst you liked or believed in this guy? Horrible. The same way in that Stevie was supposed to be a title contender. What a mess.
Rhino. Al Snow. Brother Cunt. Yes, this is ECW. If only Rhino had cut a promo about violence, fucking violence.
Jesus, Rhino used to say amazing shit.
Throughout the show, TNA guys commented on what they thought about ECW. Most of them said, “I watched it on TV.” Wow. Thanks, guys. Matt Morgan was a mark and went to a show. Some of them never even saw it before.
Axl and Balls with a new name wrestled the Dudleys with a new name. But to make the show, Joel Gertner came out and delivered some amazing mic work. This match was, well, it was what it was. Until New Jack came out and we all lost our minds, hoping that are years of shoot tapes that New Jack, would, indeed, rape and kill and rape the Dudleys. But then he hugged them after. Some people on the site who I am related to would like me to say something bad about New Jack. Well, I kind of like breathing. He redeemed himself later by ass raping Jeremy Borash.
Let’s watch some old New Jack.
As Mustapha would say, “Boing.”
Honestly, I can see So Cal Val being over with black dudes. That’s all I’m saying.
Fat Raven. Fat Tommy. Kids in the front row. Fat Mick Foley ref. Handcuffs, run-ins, etc. Until Raven, of course, wins. Lots of blood. The last time they will ever fight. Uh huh.
Video tributes to Joey Styles and Paul Heyman, who had much better things to do and aren’t dead. Also, no Tommy Rich with the FBI. I wonder, dudes like Gary Wolfe said, “I had prior commitments.” I believe that. There had to be something more important than being on PPV.
Finally, Sabu vs. RVD. This was a once-in-a-lifetime event. No blown spots. Sabu hit everything. Perfect, too. He killed himself and looked fucking dead after the match. But the dude did it all. You have to give him that. You know, say what you will, but he is unique. No one else can be Sabu.
At the end, everyone got into the ring, but it felt forced. It didn’t seem like a genuine celebration. It felt like a wake for someone you didn’t really like all that much but weren’t sure how everyone else felt. Or like when you meet an ex’s new boyfriend. You try and be nice but you feel all weird inside. That’s what this show was like. We’ve all moved on, except for ECW and TNA.
We actually paid for this, just so you know. And Ryan even showed up. -Sam
Noah watched TNA with me. I forced him to watch it. I can’t watch TNA alone any longer.
The go home for two shows in one that doesn’t sell either, welcome to Impact! We start out with Raven and Dreamer and Uncle Scotty and daddy and Beulah should have been mine and this shit was old in 1995.
Noah walked into the room to see Scotty and screamed, “Why is Axl Rotten in TNA? Is he a Rotten?” No, he has thyroid issues. Those thyroid issues being he got very fat.
Foley, Abyss, barbed wire, all in five minutes. Why should we pay to see ECW when we could see it all for free?
Up next, the TNA Knockout Tag Titles are on the line between the Beautiful People and Taylor Wilde and Hamada. Seriously, Lacey is the worst wrestler to ever wrestle for a major company and I count Captain Lou vs. Arnold Skaaland in that group. I mean, all Captain Lou did to sell was dance and blade on camera and he was a thousand billion million times better in ring than Lacey, who Taz went out of his way to bury on commentary. The end of this match had a TNA special: heels have interference or another heel runs in and it does not lead to a finish. No, the match continues and everyone stands around with their thumb up their ass.
Noah, as a TNA newcomer, was totally into the mystery woman on the motorcycle. Afterward, Lacey got killed in a backstage argument. We watched her botched moonsault and her getting thrown into something during the post-match interview several times.
AJ beat Rob Terry in a match that was very much, your move, my move, now you, no, now you. AJ hits a lot of moves at the end and Noah marked out for his springboard finish, but wants everyone to know that he still does not like AJ Styles.
Ultimate X match in the best out of five series between the Machine Guns and Beer Money was next.
“This is what’s wrong with wrestling today,” said Noah.
“What’s that?” Sam replied.
“These dudes stand out here and talk about how good their matches were and how they have mutual respect. Just wrestle. Just have good matches. You don’t need to tell me how good your matches are. If they are, I’ll know it.” Noah can be pretty intelligent.
Then, he spent the rest of the match screaming “Just stand up high and get the X. It’s only 6 feet above the ring. JUST STAND UP. JUST JUMP. BIG MACHO MAN GUY WHO DRINKS BEER. JUST STAND UP.”
I liked the match. Noah said, “This is just like being at one of Norm’s shows. Spell his name backward. Mron. It’s better that way.”
Hogan and fat Eric Bischoff (the evil one ate the good one) talk. Kevin Nash came out and Noah marked out. Then, Jeff Jarrett came out for the save.
“I hate this,” yelled Noah. “This sucks.”
Then, Sting ran in with a bat.
“I love this,” yelled Noah.
Orlando Jordan and the Pope wrestled in a who is more legit gay match. Noah kept screaming at me to watch something else, to fast forward, to move on. I made him watch this horrible match. Orlando Jordan scares me. Not because he’s gay. Because he is creepy as fuck.
Jay Lethal came out. Noah did not know he was black. Then he asked me if he was gay, too. Flair came out in a suit and Lethal became a heel to Noah when he threw Flair’s shoes into the crowd. Then, Doug Williams ran in.
“This is what’s wrong with wrestling,” said Noah.
“What’s that?” asked Sam.
“The champ is running in on someone to make a match versus someone challenging the champ. He should be happy he has the belt,” replied Noah.
Jerry Lynn just showed up and said, “We have a main event on the PPV.” If it was only so easy.
The show ends with Abyss laying out most of ECW. Until Sandman comes out and I was happy about that. But I don’t think anyone from the ECW group should work until the PPV. I also know TNA has ECW Arena and Hammerstein Ballroom booked, so I have no idea why they aren’t waiting to run a PPV from there. -Sam
Tommy Dreamer has been here for 8 weeks and this is the loudest he’s ever heard the Impact Zone. Seeing as how they tape so many weeks in advance, he’s only really been there three times. But who are we to call Tommy Dreamer a liar who preys on emotion?
This photo makes me want to kill myself. Who am I kidding? Everything makes me want to kill myself.
I like how Stevie is in the same ring as Tommy and Mick Foley. It’s like blood in your stool.
Then again, if you told me in the glory days of ECW, that the company would be represented by D Von Dudley and Rhino, I would have laughed and laughed.
Legally, they can’t call ECW ECW. I like how Tommy is sad about it. No shit. Someone else bought the name. EV 2.0. He’s the innovator of violence, but not the innovator of good names.
It’d be like me gathering all the people I worked with at Toys R Us, starting a toy store and being angry that we aren’t allowed to call the store Toys R Us. Except my toy store would get more PPV buys than Hardcore Justice will.
Bubba comes out, everyone calls him bro, Taz stands up and asks him to come back to the family. Our family. You know, to paraphrase http://www.themetalinquisition.com, anyone who refers to people who aren’t their family as a family and talks about it and cries is a fucking asshole.
This shit is like your favorite rock band getting back together…
As Bubba has on a Black Label shirt…
Putting back on the makeup…
OK. I hate Kiss. Except “I Was Made for Loving You,” because Kiss fans hate that song. I expected Kiss to sound like Burzum as a kid and instead, it sounded like light shit with a black woman or a gay man singing.
Thanks again, Metal Inquisition.
They’re doing it for the fans, man. One last night to say thank you to everyone who supported us. Not trying to recapture any magic,
Wow.
Really?
Set the bar high.
And Mick Foley.
Mick Foley.
In the ring.
Selling out your fucking legacy.
It’s sad. It’s sad that I ever idolized you. What a waste of time I see that has been.
You’re like a woman I was in love with that broke my heart four or five times. And now, I say, “No fucking more.”
Every one of your impassioned promos rings false. Even in a carny huckster world, this is the most bullshit of shit I’ve ever heard.
In the words of Koji Kitao, “You are the biggest monkeys in this kayfabe circus.”
Bubba Ray comes back to ECW.
Show me the person who gave a shit about Bubba in this angle. Then, I will show you an asshole wearing an Affliction shirt. Or a bad Wal-Mart ripoff of one. Actually, I don’t want to insult Wal-Mart by bringing them into this.
Wow, a dumpy looking asshole who stiffs guys for no reason is on the stick and I could not give a shit. “Are we going to light someone on fire?” Yes, of course. Because who gives a fuck about human beings?
Sam’s random Impact Zone cross section of fans – a new feature on Counting the Lights
Kid in green bored and wondering who the fuck these guys are standing in front of the Honky Tonk Man, while dude with a sweater vest and a backward baseball cap celebrates ECW returning and his own virginity, while Bryant Gumble sits in front of the dude who killed Scarface who is wearing a panama hat.
But wait.
Holy shit, Hulk Hogan is coming down.
To quote Ryan Clark, “Having the ECW guys get the blessing from Hogan is like having Christopher Nolan receive his Oscar from Michael Bay.”
Wow. This sucks more dong than I know that exists. Like, I assume there are at least 2 billion dongs or more in the world. That’s not enough dong. This needs more dong.
I don’t know who I hate more in this situation: Hogan. Dreamer. Dixie. Stevie.
OK, definitely. Stevie.
A black beard running around ruling my world? Oh, Hulkster.
Then, because WWE in 1998 had openings with people talking and talking and more people coming out to talk, Abyss comes out and talks.
I love how there are conspiracies in TNA. Like Rhino thinking someone was against him. Or the people who tell Abyss things. They they they they they. Brother.
Tommy Dreamer talking to Hogan is like me meeting Obama and telling him how to run shit.
Girls argue backstage and then, Sarita versus Angelina Love. Yes, the TNA girls make enough money to have basement apartments. Nothing says family like people not getting paid much. This division has been fucked and not in the way everyone would like it to be fucked.
Nice match, a bit too much “you do your move and I do mine,” but OK.
Eric Young is in back with Orlando Jordan. Now Eric has taken a concussion and become crazy. That’s awesome. Because concussions are funny in wrestling. Nothing bad has happened from people having concussions or depression or anything like that.
Orlando Jordan just took the gum out of his mouth and put it in So Cal Val’s mouth. Wow. And Eric Young has a mannequin. Who wants to watch this? Show me. Who?
Over the last year or so, Eric Young has been:
Lovable virgin retard
Mastermind of non-US TNA wrestlers
Kevin Nash’s partner
Fighting Kevin Nash
A member of The Band
Loveable concussion problem retard
Someone Sam doesn’t care about
All of the above
One of these two are talented. The other is Eric Young.
It seems like someone saw Yoshihiko in DDT. But didn’t watch any of it to see why it was funny.
I would argue that Shannon Moore and Jesse Neal are gayer than Orlando Jordan.
Lets see. Is Fortune the new Four Horsemen?
Flair = JJ Dillon
AJ Styles = Ric Flair
Beer Money = Tully and Arn
Kazarian = Paul Roma
OK, I guess that makes sense.
Kurt Angle comes out and they talk. I fast forward to the cage match between Motor City Machine Guns and Beer Money. Heels up 2 to nothing, which is amazing that they got that right.
Oh. I missed this, and thanks to Bryan and Lance Storm’s recap, I caught it: the Legends belt that became the Global title is now the TV title, because TV ratings are the most important thing in wrestling. Dear Vince Russo: now, PPV and merchandise are the most important things, and you convert 1% or less or your overall viewing audience into PPV. Yes. Less than 1%.
OK, I am going to say something nice.
Are you ready?
The cage match between Beer Money and the Motor City Machine Guns was fucking awesome and you should go out of your way to see it.
People were losing their mind at the finish. Just insane. I look forward to seeing if these guys can top the three matches they have already had.
What’s worse than Mr. Anderson coming out to his music?
When it’s Matt Morgan.
Matt tries to kill Anderson, but at the end, Jeff Hardy saves him and I hate nearly everyone in the ring. Murphy and Gunner, TNA security that has never been seen before, does a run-in to help, but all the agents come out. D Lo Brown is loud as fuck as he’s yelling.
You know, I worked on a show with Phil Shatter, who is one of these dudes. Dude is huge. Just gigantic. Why they would put him in the ring with Morgan, who is gigantic, and make him look normal, is why Vince Russo should never be writing wrestling. This was indy show bullshit but worse. Because people paid money to advertise on it.
Rob Terry just beat Kazarian in less time than it took me to write this. You know, when you form a new heel team, I am of the belief that you should protect them for a few weeks. I used to wrestle for a company and the first night a bunch of us were put together to be the new top heels, every one of us but Abyss did jobs. Abyss only beat one of the other members of the group in a swerve. How did this make people think we were the top guys? It then hurt the faces that faced us. The same thing just happened with Fortune. You could get the same result by bringing in a jobber, having AJ and Kazarian coming out with the jobber and saying, “Even he can beat Rob Terry.” Have them jump Rob before the bell, Rob still comes back quick, beats the jobber and chases away Kazarian and AJ. Now, set up Kazarian and Rob in a few weeks as a competitive match, if your final goal is AJ vs. Rob.
You know, Jeff Hardy was the hottest wrestler in the world a year ago. Now, he’s in TNA, doing a 1.2 rating, which while better than ratings have been, are nowhere near where they should be with the money being spent.
Anyway. Faces over. Young kids lose.
Bischoff made an announcement of a Clash of the Champions with PPV quality matches. Like Samoa Joe vs. Jeff Hardy (forgotten already this week) and the MCMG vs. Beer Money matches weren’t matches given away for free. Abyss out, Tommy Dreamer in, everyone has on shitty gear, etc.
This whole match? A set-up for Tommy to get attacked by Raven, setting up their big match on the PPV. I like how Tommy is the focal point of EV 2.0 and he did a job already. Way to set this up as something special.
Everyone gets mad at Raven for turning on Tommy. Really? Raven turned on Tommy. It’s like my Pepsi suddenly tasting like Pepsi.
That was TNA.
BUT WAIT.
There’s more.
Sam’s review of the WrestlingObserver.com review of TNA:
Jeff Hamlin reviews TNA for them. I pay $10 a month because I enjoy the podcasts and Dave’s writing whenever he doesn’t talk only about MMA. How does one get to write on the main page of the Observer? It’s like if Dr. Mike Lano got featured on the main page of Time Magazine, really. I expect more. Sentences like:
“Hearing Dreamer bring up Kiss brings back memories of Richards and the Blue Meanie dressing up as Kiss in 1996, which has to be one of the greatest skits in wrestling history.”
Look. If you think something Meanie and Stevie did in front of 1,000 people and acting like idiots is the one of the best skits in wrestling history, you have no standing to start with.
And this gem:
“It felt like I was watching Kurt Cobain come back to life, and instead of Jack Black or Billy Joe Armstrong walking up on stage with him, it was Vince Neil.”
First off: I hope he means Jack White. Also, I hate Kurt Cobain, so this reference made me mad. And no one wants to see a Green Day/Tenacious D/Nirvana supergroup fronted by a zombie. Also, as for Vince Neil, he helped invent a few things. First, the dude will never, ever, ever pay for a lapdance thanks to “Girls,Girls,Girls.” Two, he looks like Theodore the chipmunk and still pulls mad cougar twat. Third, by killing Razzle of Hanoi Rocks in a drunken driving incident, he helped coin the phrase, “Maybe you guys shouldn’t drive yet, you don’t want to be Razzle and Vince Neil.” Fourth, he fought a ninja in the “Too Young to Fall in Love” video and Tommy Lee ate all that rice at the end and was like, hey, fuck you.
Finally, this:
“Earlier, I mentioned ECW and Kurt Cobain in the same sentence because they’re similar in their respective genres. They both came during times when each scene had grown stale, and livened things up, even if it wasn’t for the long haul. But grunge died out after Cobain died and Soundgarden broke up. I never thought I’d see Hogan in the same ring putting over ECW mainstays, and I’m not sure I wanted to. The very idea of that happening shows that the true point of ECW has been lost. Judging from this show, and the EV 2.0 angle as a whole, Cobain’s final words couldn’t have been more appropriate. It truly is better to burn out than to fade away.”
Cobain died in 1994. Soundgarden broke up in 1997. He makes it sound like it all happened at once. Also, those words were in Kurt Cobain’s suicide note. His actual last words?
“Ouch. I shot off my whole face.”
Good night, shut the lights off, I don’t have enough to pay the electric what with all the alimony.
The show starts off with Abyss in a Freddy Krueger Megan’s Law parallel universe where he jumps rope with young girls. They made him do it, he claims. They asked him to pave the way for them. It’s like he’s John the Baptist. But who’s Jesus?
Tommy Dreamer.
Jesus Christ, son.
Dixie Carter invited ECW. She invited them. Yes, she truly is an indy promoter. Because she thinks she can draw with guys who were on top 10 years ago. And she thinks she can draw with ECW guys.
Welcome to the fucking real world, Dixie.
There are no silver bullets for the werewolves that TNA faces. You have dug your own grave since day one. No one has listened to reason. You let Vince Russo be in charge. You brought in every guy in the world. You even let Hulk Hogan run the show and had the Nasty Boys, for fuck’s sake, in the ring in 2010.
Sure, go ahead and ask Tommy Dreamer to come in. He’ll cry. No one will poop. And the shambling corpse of ECW will be fucked, again. Crusty cum dried from repeated attempts at reviving that which should have stayed dead and wasn’t all that awesome when it was alive.
Man, I did not miss TNA. But I missed being this fucking worked up about something other than my 38 wasted years of this fucked up Earth.
This show is titled “Extreme Invitation.”
That sound you just heard? That was Jerry McDevitt’s cock growing like a giant Shogun Warrior as he prepares to sue Panda Energy, Spike and 5 Hour Energy (for the fuck of it, sue everyone).
Seriously, they just referred to these guys as ECW stars.
While true, you are going up against a sue happy company. Ah, what the fuck. TNA isn’t going to take yoru advice unless you are a Philadelphia focus group, a town that spends half its time debating which of two sandwiches is best while not noticing that their whole town smells like feces.
Jeff Hardy vs. Samoa Joe. For free.
Dixie Carter has been shown so many times in the first three minutes, I wonder if this show is sponsored by Glamourshots.
Meanwhile…
AJ is walking to the ring in Flair’s robe. Frankie Kazarian just threw up the Four Horsemen symbol. And somewhere, Paul Roma feels relief. Because he is now no longer the shittiest thing to ever happen to the Horsemen.
Rob Terry. Rob Terry is up and he’s coming out to “wrestle” AJ Styles.
AJ works like a face with a heel manager. And they say you learn nothing working in the indies.
They just made a point to say Hogan and Bischoff aren’t there.
TNA should just tape the real shit that happens. It’s much more interesting than the fucking shit that airs on TV.
AJ just beat Rob Terry. Because he needs a belt. And now he and Kazarian? Best pals ever.
Rick Rude Warrior Heenan finish. There you go.
Women backstage talking shit, because that’s what they do. I’m so glad Russo is writing shit again. That dude’s wife must be a real cunt for all the he-man woman hating going on.
Dude. Dixie Carter is in back bitching at agents. Does anyone know who these dudes are? Other than me? I mean, why the fuck are Al Snow and Simon “Fat as the Hope” Diamond on my TV?
Wow. Taylor Wilde? Her boobs have somehow become like, mo’ better.
I’ve missed TNA. But I have kept up reading about it. There’s some girl on a motorcycle and a bunch of other shit and Earl Hebner has the worst accent ever. It’s like a Southern accent with five cocks in his mouth, all furiously pumping so hard that his teeth explode.
I’ve watched 5 AWA episodes this week. They were horrible…but better than this.
There is some girl on a motorcycle which, you might think it’s Tara, but come on, swerve swerve and swerve, because that’s what TNA is. Good lord, beatdowns after every match. It’s like the worst indy ever, because I watch it and don’t even get a match.
Yes, I am watching somewhat attractive girls argue on TV. It’s like an MTV show with even less booking.
ECW dudes walk in. Here’s what’s wrong. Dreamer and Raven are buddies. There, I fixed it.
Kurt/Angle vs. Hernandez. Who is the face? Who is the heel? I am the broken record.
Tommy tore his MCL. Let’s keep that kayfabe, huh?
Did you know Hernandez did a fake Kurt Angle gimmick back when Mutoh took over All Japan?
They did a ton of falsies, but Angle seemed a step off. Maybe because the dude has had a broken neck for years. Not everyone deserves 293 near falls, Kurt. But yeah. Good match, Angle gets shit out of dudes who never have great matches. Why he is going to retire if he loses, well, you know. You don’t have to explain it.
Here comes Kevin Nash.
Wow, the commentary buries Hogan and Bischoff again.
And just like last time, Nash and Angle shake hands.
Nash calls out Jeff Jarrett.
In 2010.
And they think…
We actually want to see this?
So…
Commercial break.
I hate Jeff’s music. I hate his gimmick. I hate that he uses his daughters for angles.
Nash is great on the mic.
Jeff is not.
This is going nowhere.
I am only writing in single sentences.
The crowd is not behind Jeff.
Nash is great at being Nash. If Match Game was still around, he would be awesome on it.
That said, I don’t think he should be a wrestler in 2010.
He seriously is like a white guy who is as cool as a black guy. Honestly.
The guy killed WCW and I still like him.
I almost asked where this angle was going and wow, there’s Dixie again. Fourth time on the show. She should run back and forth and sell tickets and call everyone and ask what they think after the show.
She is an indy promoter. She just put over that she’s friends with Billy Corrigan on her Twitter. She knows people.
Yes. Samoa Joe. Jeff Hardy. For free.
Wait a second. Eric Bischoff is on the phone.
Joe is literally raping this dude. 9 billion galaxies.
This match really surprised me. I loved it, it built well and they both worked really hard. The crowd was not quiet the entire time. Taz did a great job in getting over the STF in commentary. I was totally into this match, just waiting to see the finish and how they would build to it and who would go over. And then, at thirty seconds left, they did the first time call.
Really.
Yeah.
Jeff Jarrett and Dixie, appearing for the fifth time!
Morgan vs. Anderson. It’s like someone wearing tie dye fighting a hipster with an ironic mustache having a fight about who is better, Vampire Weekend or Dave Matthews Band!
I can only hope that one or both of these guys does what they do best – hurt someone in the ring or hurt themselves.
You know when you simulate a match in Fire Pro and it just shows clips?
That’s how Quick Time played this at 8X.
It was the best thing about this show.
By the way?
Clean job. Matt Morgan? Not liked by nice girl Dixie no more.
And yes, TNA style, we have an attack after the match, negating the job. And a blade job.
TNA. You do what you do.
Beer Money. Machine Guns. Best of 5. Street fight. For free.
You sell 8,000 PPVs and give away PPV matches for free.
I look forward to buying TNA action figures at Big Lots.
This was a great match, again, but wayyyyyyyy too much for match 2 of 5. But you know. The agents are busy knocking out referees.
OK, I have learned all I need to know about Bubba Ray. The dude talks on his cel phone like a speaker phone all the time, the mark of a complete and total asshole.
If you don’t think the ECW guys won’t jump RVD, you haven’t been watching TNA.
Jesus, this TNA show took me over 3 hours to write.
I am watching this TNA angle.
I ask you again.
Who the fuck are the fucking faces?
Who are the heels?
Why would you invite a bunch of mid-carders who already work for you to be ECW?
Why does Dixie have entrance music with words?
Why can’t a cage door wipe her out?
I mean, it sounds just like Evanescence. That can’t be a coincidence.
Dixie’s sixth appearance. In the ring. Cutting a promo.
Oh, dude, this is just sad. This is just…sad.
Look, I’ll be honest. If you watch ECW from 1995, you will see Noah and Sam in the crowd of almost every show. Dead center, back row, right in front of the hard cam. Rey’s first match. Public Enemy. Shane breaking Pit Bull Two’s neck. Still alive. Nearly every major moment, we were there. And we fucking loved it. Loved every minute of it. And ECW died for a very specific reason. It had it’s time. This is just a rib fest without the sweet taste of ribs. This is five guys past their expiration date in a company that should have gone out of business years ago. Oh, if only Dixie Carter had been around when ECW was sending guys all over the place, working all over the country for no money. But now, they are burning through money like, well, only they can.
Religious groups are going to hold up pictures of this angle to ensure that preteens don’t get their unwanted babies vacuumed out of their now untight cunts.
Tommy is sitting here, comparing TNA to ECW. He has now lost any credibility.
Wow, this…this is killing me inside. It’s fucking killing me. It’s like God decided that wrestling sucks and that I am almost totally burned out on it and this…it’s like watching your ex-girlfriend fuck a whole bunch of dudes while she calls out your name and that makes it all better.
I could not hate this angle any more.
Tommy had his closure. But they brought ECW back. And now, he needs closure again.
No. You get closure once.
THAT IS HOW CLOSURE WORKS.
Someone yells, “Vince sucks.”
Tommy says, “Exactly.”
That’s why they gave you such a nice, classy sendoff.
He then starts crying like a fucking woman.
TNA wanted Paul Heyman.
When they realized that he was asking for very real things and had an actual plan that they would not be able to work with (and that could save the company), they decided to have their very own ECW PPV.
A one night show. One night of ECW. Tommy is begging for it.
They did this twice before.
ECW went out of business for a reason.
And you know, TNA…
So…
If you invade TNA…
You get your own PPV.
I am going to invade TNA.
I am going to invade it and bring good booking with me. I am going to make logical sense in every angle. I am going to fire almost everyone in the company. I am going to tell Dixie she is never allowed on TV again. If it’s so easy that Tommy Dreamer can do it, I can do it. Come on, fans. Send me to Orlando. I will walk in and take the fuck over.
I wish I could grow 10,000 arms so I could give this show that many fucking thumbs down.
Everyone who booked this deserves to have their testicles turned into kneaded erasers. -Sam
Jeff Hardy and Mr. Anderson formed a team. I am happy because I like when people put together two people I dislike as a team, because then I can care less about them as a unit.
A long promo opens the show and Jay Lethal impersonates Ric Flair. Yes, the joke never gets old even when it does. I could care less as this sets up a main event I have no interest in seeing.
Brian Kendrick did a promo that made me despise him even more than I thought I could.
Homicide and Brian had a match and Homicide got a screwdriver. This led to him being beat.
Team 3D. Shannon Moore. Jesse Neal. A whole bunch of people talking about big heads and respect. Please show me who this angle is drawing to order the PPV.
Hernandez came back. On free TV. And then he and Morgan fought and lost the tag belts after. Remember when Nash had that contest to rename his tag team on Twitter?
Kurt Angle elevated Amazing Red by beating him. Of course he did.
Sting defaced the belt by writing deception all over it. Uh huh.
Bad guys won the main.
Finally, Sting and RVD battled all over the place to set up their match at the PPV.
My limit of caring about TNA? It’s been reached. I read the PPV results and the first night of tapings and well…Tommy Dreamer. There is an ECW angle coming.
It’s not 1996 any more. 1996 wasn’t even that great in 1996. This is 2010. What people want to watch is honestly not the same wrestling, even if they do choose to watch wrestling. Have we not figured that out? How can every week Vince Russo turn in these scripts and the same people, including me, suffer through TNA? It’s amazing. They have chased away me. The most mark of marks. They have made me dread watching their show.
Did anyone care about guys WWE did not want?
Did anyone care about Hulk Hogan after the first week?
Did anyone care about Ric Flair?
No. Because the booking made you not care.
Never has a company more deserved to go out of business. -Sam
Impact began with Anderson saying he was an asshole and I shut the show off.
I went back in a few days and saw Stings promo. It all led to Samoa Joe versus Sting, which ended in a run-in. Who kidnapped Joe? The same dude who drove the white hummer. Rikishi.
Any time there is a mystery in wrestling, you should remember that it was Rikishi who rammed Steve Austin. After months of people wondering who it was. Rikishi.
Sometimes, it’s better not to know.
TNA is awesome, because you can almost kill someone in your tryout and still get a job. That’s the Rosie Lotta Love story. They even showed her almost kill Daffney, including power bombing her after she had a concussion. Awesome.
Jay Lethal. AJ. Kazarian. Momma likes you best.
Angle and Flair did a promo that really didn’t matter. Flair is great. Angle is great. This is them doing porn after years of well regarded films.
Jeff Hardy and Ken Anderson? They are friends now. They had matches against Beer Money and will do a tag at the PPV. By the numbers.
After this, Orlando Jordan came out with Rob Terry’s face on his titties.
And then…TO THE BACK.
Jesse Neal is knocked out with an Ace of Spades card on his chest, just like Shannon Moore. It’s like a Steve Ditko character is taking out all the shitty wrestlers!
In the main event, Van Dam beat Morgan and Joe got mad.
This was an ordeal. Two hours of wrestling that I did not want to watch and suffered through. Yet, people like reading the TNA reports. I will keep doing them.
Jeff Hardy is an enigma. He cut a promo that, at best, would be met with silence on most indy shows were he not Jeff Hardy. He comes out to ask Mr. Anderson what’s going on. You know, in real life, you just talk to someone one on one. When someone at work is an asshole, you don’t wait until the team meeting to call them out. No, instead, Jeff is wasting valuable TV time asking for a talk. Like a bitch. Meanwhile, in back, Generation Me want to do 97 new highspots. But like an author of a book on dung trying to get on the Tonight Show, they are bumped for Don Rickles. I wish. No, instead, we all have to watch Jeffy talk.
Mr. Anderson comes out and he’s stealing Dennis Leary stealing Bill Hicks’ material. A copy of a copy like a purple copy of a blue copy of a black and white copy of Heisei Ishigun. He even goes as far as to sing the asshole song on TV.
Imagine, if you will, that his whole gimmick was to sing Elton John songs and dress like Donald Duck and fuck dudes. If this was his gimmick, I would enjoy TNA more. Instead, he is copying Mick Foley book titles and doing standup that is over 15 years old. There’s no cure for cancer. Also, sadly, there is no cure for the terminally insipid piece of dreck shit boredom that calls itself TNA.
Just when I was slicing my wrists in my tub that has tile all fucked up, I heard GET READY TO FLY. Yes, your top heel has a song that gets you fired up to see him be a high flyer.
This all sets up Anderson vs. AJ for later, which sets up me playing Xbox by about 16 minutes sooner than I expected.
Ink Inc. vs. The Band vs. Team 3D was not for the title. I only know this because they never said it.
Kaz is evil now and fights Jay Lethal, who is not anyone else but Jay Lethal now, and AJ is all jealous. That’s an interesting angle that got rushed ahead. They could have slowly built to that, with Angle and Kaz both climbing the TNA rankings and AJ getting slowly jealous as Kaz got closer to him. Who would be Flair’s favorite? The tension of that. Instead…we have rushed and they already hate each other.
To the back. Shannon Moore is knocked out. Someone should do a statistic. How many times has TNA cut to the back and showed someone knocked the fuck out? Their locker room is like our old house in Mt. Oliver, where everyone would gather for PPVs, only to all be asleep by 9. Then, we discovered there was a gas leak. Just kidding. The PPVs of the late 90s were boring. We are looking back at them with love, thanks to the fucking clogged shit we watch today, but man. I fell asleep during every PPV. Then again, I fall asleep really easy and then wake up and yell, “Hayabusa!”
I also like to randomly yell shit at people. My new one has been to yell the title of the 1970s George Seagal movie, Where’s Poppa? at people. Just walk up to people. Random. Yell. WHERE’S POPPA?
Orlando Jordan has pasties of Abyss on his nipples. Last week, Abyss legit got cut open with a bottle. Yes, Spike won’t show a fireball, which kids can’t make at home. But smash a bottle and slice someone open? Fuck yes. I love Abyss. But if they asked him to cut his eye out and shove it up his ass so they would have a shot of a bloody eye looking out of an asshole, he would do it for TNA.
Sting has never been in WWE. But he does know how to answer a promo with a video package, proving he has what it takes.
Midget wrestling. Yes, I know. Anderson and Hogan talked. But the midget who once masturbated inside a can in the old Impact Nashville Fairgrounds is back on TNA. I am not lying. I have watched almost every TNA show. Even the old PPV shows.
Lacey. Midget. Fucking.
Hopefully, we can get Noah to review Half Pint Brawlers next week.
Jeff Hardy’s never met anyone like Desmond Wolfe. Wolfe’s never met anyone like Hardy. Jeff Hardy then breaks into song, to the tune from Aladdin:
Well Ric Flair had them four horsemen
Evolution also had four men
But Desmond you in luck ’cause up your sleeves
You got a brand of carny never fails
You got some power in your corner now
Some heavy ammunition in your camp
You got some punch, pizazz, white meat baby face keeps kicking out and how
See all you gotta do is take that twist of fate
And I’ll say
Mister Desmond, sir
What will your pleasure be?
Let me take your order
Jot it down
You ain’t never had a friend like me
No no no
Mister Desmond, sir, have a wish or two or three
I’m doing the job, you big limey boring nabob
You ain’t never had a friend, never had a friend
You ain’t never had a friend, never had a friend
You ain’t never had a friend like me
You ain’t never had a friend like me, hah!
If TNA was like Cop Rock, I would love it. They need to have a musical episode.
Matt Morgan. Angle. Joe. That’s all.
That’s all?
Well, you could say day. I’d say night.
You know, you could be like, this is black. I’d say, “Fuck you. It’s white.”
It’s always a game. But it’s just a shame.
That’s all.
That’s all.
What matches are at Slammiversary? Glad you wondered. Because I am typing this.
Doug Williams(C) vs Brian Kendrick – X-Division Championship
Because this is a hot feud.
Who is the face who is the heel why does Scott Hall have a job fuck Eric Young special offer match
Matt Morgan and ? vs The Band(C) – TNA World Tag Team Championship
Face vs. face dual chant let’s go someone yay boo match
Sting vs Rob Van Dam(C) – TNA World Heavyweight Championship
AJ beats Anderson by cheating. Beer Money comes out. Fight fight fight. Jeffy and Kenny shake. The world is happy, because their slow burn feud slow burned for almost a week.
