Last week, my grandma died. I needed to take some time off. I am better now. Here is some bullshit I wrote. Fuck you.
So, we start with a package covering the previous week’s O’Reilly vs. Strong match. Say what you will about the House of Truth, but they are fucking Pro Wrestling. Truth Martini is swarmy and awesome as a 70’s rock band manager, Roderick Strong is your frat boy date rapist, and Michael Elgin is Bob Sweeten 70’s WWWF ugly. I love these guys.
We start with RoH’s weakest point: talking. Jim Cornette is in the ring. Blah blah blah… ‘Diehard’ Eddie Edwards comes to the ring. If he is ‘Diehard’, why doesn’t he wear a wifebeater? Why does he wear shoes? Why isn’t his head shaved? ‘Diehard’ brings certain imagery to mind and a dipshit with an underbite and a faux-hawk blathering on about his 3rd match with Davey Richards is not it. I understand that the only way these guys will get better on the mic is by talking, but RoH promos are torture. Davey Richards is out. If Chris Benoit was a poor man’s Dynamite Kid and Bryan Danielson is a poor man’s Chris Benoit, then Davey Richards is trying to draw water from an empty well. Davey calls out the House of Truth with some super lame insults. Calling Truth Martini a Vince Neil wannabe is so misguided and half-hearted.
Everyone online bitches about the Fed and TNA starting off their shows with sucky promos and RoH is supposed to be the alternative. Why am I watching a show that starts with a sucky promo? This is followed by a studio show style promo from the Briscoe Bros. Ugh.
Nigel McGuinness is sitting at the announce table and he looks so broken that it makes me sad. Why isn’t he a manager somewhere?
A video package for Elgin follows. Elgin is the best possible Rhino. He is thick like a tree, ugly as the day is long, and looks like he could and would kick your ass. Everything I want a wrestler to be, Elgin is. In a promotion full of frat bros, Michael Elgin looks like a fucking boss. Truth Martini cuts an amazing promo firing up Elgin. His life coach gimmick has been done before, but he nails it. Being one of the few dudes who can talk in RoH makes him stand out.
More goddamn talking. Shiloh Jonze? He looks like a dumber version of Jerry Lynn.
Our opener is Jonze vs. Elgin. Shiloh wears fringed hot pants. I want Elgin to murder him. Elgin wears an entrance mask like Muta, but it works. Why isn’t Elgin the champion? He is awesome. The much appreciated Tale of the Tape puts over Elgin’s advantage. He is clubberin’ the twink in hot pants. Elgin must be trying out for the Road Warriors, because that second rope shoulder tackle was PIMP. Whoever trained Elgin was a fan of 80’s WWF, because he works this match like it was WWF Main Event. Elgin’s spinning sitout powerbomb is a nice finish. Not as squashy as I would have liked, but I think the point was made. Elgin is a beast.
RoHwrestling.com ad. I can’t imagine paying for it, but I am a cheap motherfucker.
Kevin Steen goobledygook. More fucking talking. I want wrestling. Jesus tapdancing Christ. A bunch of ‘lawyers’ are blathering. Blah blah blah. This is not interesting, entertaining, or worth my time. Is RoH trying to make me stop watching this show? These ‘lawyers’ are leering and snearing like extras in a Spaghetti Western. This is not fun. Also, I am fairly certain I could beat up Kevin Steen. Why am I supposed to care about a chubby little fuck that can’t talk or wrestle? If you can’t grow a beard, don’t grow a fucking beard. Steen looks like a high school kid.
Mike Bennet has a manager who looks like Mickey from Rocky with Down’s Syndrome. Gee, another sleazy frat bro. Can we get some variety? At least Jay Lethal talks like Bill Cosby. There is so little to care about here. Kevin Kelly looks like he is ready to jack off to this shit at any moment.
Another RoHwrestling.com ad. If someone offered to buy a membership for me, I don’t think I would accept it.
A flashback to last week’s match between the Briscoes and the All Night Express. I still don’t like the Briscoes, but I cannot stand the announcers during ANX matches. Yes, I get that they are supposed to be party guys. No, I do not need you to reference them being a tag team outside the ring as well. This is like when a 16 year old tries to act grown up.
They are explaining how a non-title match works. Really. We need a fucking segment to explain how a motherfucking non-title match works. What the fuck? This is the 21st goddamn century. I have been watching wrestling since before these guys were born. Why are you explaining one of the oldest fucking things in wrestling? Fuck.
This is the second match of the night and is the main event. Two fucking matches, one being a squash. Caprice Coleman and Cedric Alexander are your challengers, two black dudes with Mohawks. The champions are Wrestling’s Greatest Tag Team aka the World’s Greatest Tag Team aka Team Angle aka Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin aka Team Lenny and Carl. WGTT cut a promo on the Briscoes. It is pretty meh. Coleman and Alexander are big dudes, but WGTT are bigger. The announcers are explaining the fucking rules… again. Come the fuck on. They are still reiterating the ‘Shelton Benjamin is a great athlete’ talking point from his WWE days. I hate that shit. A spot is blown so ridiculously that I cannot articulate it. Coleman and Alexander are not ready for prime time. I remember when RoH was too good for PAC to get a gig. Now, there are hamandeggers like this in the ring. A commercial break is a mild reprieve from this brutally bad match. I could be playing Saints Row the Third right now. In fact, I am going to talk about that game until this match ends. I made my gangster look like Kakihara from Ichi the Killer and it has been pretty hilarious watching him murder his way across the city. I thought Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas was as good as that sort of game could get, but so far this game has been boss. I love the soundtrack, too. KMFDM and Tyler the Creator on the same game? Hell yeah! They even picked good songs. There is a scene with your character singing along to the radio that is one of the most memorable game scenes I have played in years. So much fun. There is a timer showing how close the jabronis are to getting a time limit draw. The champs defend successfully. That was the shittiest non-Diva match I have seen on TV since the waning days of WCW. That was JAPW bad. If I had something better to do on a Saturday night, I wouldn’t be watching this. The Briscoes come out.
Time for more of the same. We start with a flashback to the worst match, let alone main event, I can recall watching in a decade. It was brutal. That neither of the WGTT ended up injured by the green jobbers they were in the ring with is a Hanukkah miracle.
First out are the Bravado Brothers. They have a… distinctive look. By distinctive, I mean they look like twinks. Speaking of twinks, here come the Young Bucks. Somewhere, Rob Feinstein has the angriest boner. I do prefer the Young Bucks as heels. They look like douchebags, so playing heel is natural. The Bravados are smooth. The Young Bucks are still Super Indy. I am becoming a Bravado Brothers fan. They are the tag team that the Young Bucks are sold as. Seriously, they are smooth and crisp. Their look is fantastic. The Bucks win the match, but the Bravados won my heart. This was the best match I have seen on RoH TV. Good stuff.
Starting off with a match is a good look for RoH. Out come the World’s Greatest Tag Team for a promo. I don’t care.
Kevin Steen package. I don’t get the boner people have for this lump of shit.
More Lethal and Bennett. Why does this show act like I didn’t watch last week? I thought the point of wrestling was to get me to watch every week.
I still can’t stand looking at Kevin Kelly.
Steve Corino is out to apologize. His evil person trying to make amends gimmick will be stolen by the Fed. It is too perfect not to be.
The Ring of Honor crowd is ugly. Like, wow. I am not a male model, but these people look like extras from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. So very ugly.
The main event is the American Wolves vs. the House of Truth. For those of you who have known the touch of a woman, that is Eddie Edwards and Davey Richards vs. Michael Elgin and Roderick Strong. American Wolves is a shit name for a shit tag team. I think my hate of Richards and Edwards is well established. I love Elgin. Strong is tolerable. The only way this match sends me home happy is if Elgin cripples everyone else in the ring, including the ref. He can powerbomb Kevin Kelly, too. Fake looking bullshit strikes. Open hand chops. Ugh. The best thing I can say about this match is that for as fake and false and lame as it is, it is well executed, at least. Elegant trash. I hate Richards so much right now. Elgin hitting a Torture Rack Bomb on his annoying ass makes this match tolerable. Strong has a nice dropkick. Forget Rhino, Elgin needs to be the new Arn Anderson. Get this man some trunks and a spinebuster, stat. I hate dives in RoH. This is not Arena Mexico. You are not Sombra. Stay in the fucking ring. Why was the opening tag match so much better than this one? Oh, I know. No fetishistic chopping. No bullshit lame submissions. No irritating signature spots. Roderick Strong hits the move of the night: a backdrop onto the apron. Edwards is sloppy as Taco Bell shit. The need to mention Entertainment Wrestling only serves to remind me that RoH is not entertaining. If there was a God in Heaven, Michael Elgin would get out of RoH before he gets crippled by an errant Richards kick. If you have a tag team name, your tights should match. The camera misses Elgin’s corner spear. Convoluted and stupid spot count is up to 3. I want to make a CAW of Davey Richards and drop him off the top of a cage. Martini distracts the ref and things go all to Hell. Richards wins. Meh. Not a great match, but Edwards using a hold he has never used before was a nice touch. I don’t remember Strong doing anything in this match.
I guess I will watch next week.