Category Archives: Ring of Honor

Just here and there…

* So with Big Jer out of commission for a bit, there are lines in vegas on who will be replacing him. The big two beign discussed aer JR, who apparently has been seen in Bastahn, and JBL, who is suppsoed to be trainng to climb Kilamanjaro for charity. A third report, coming straight from the desk of Nmoah, says that Mongo will be the second voice on commentarry for the NoC.

* New Jack got his Twitter account suspended for calling Jerry Lawler a racist & making a comment about wanting to piss on Lawler’s grave once he dies. While I disagree with New Jack’s comments, I fully support his right to have them heard. If he wants to send us a manifesto on it, we will be happy to publish it here. WordPress aren’t nearly the jack-booted thugs that Twitter appear to be. And sure, while this appears to be an ever-vigilent first ammendemnt defender, it is really a plea to get New Jack to give us some hit bait.

* Cena will be wearing pink tonight. Feel free to send all slurs and derisions to noah@countingthelights.com

* ROH had another iPPV meltodown last night. I wish I had a joke here. They have a locker room that is fantastic and a great booker. They have a legend serving as a figurehead. The problem is they need to hire some technologists and they need to do it quick. It’s either that or eat crow with gofightlive. The damage may be irreversible at this point. I would imagine there is a meeting on Monday and some “hire and fire” type decisions are made. If you want to be viewed as a national company, you can’t keep making errors like this.

Anyone watching NoC tonight?

-Ryan

Ring of Honor

I have a hard time reviewing ROH. I tend to not review the actual action, but rather the show itself. In the beginning, all ROH was was wrestling. The show had no form or function beyond selling the other ROH products.

However, they have been developing and getting better. They have continuing story lines. They have story arcs. They “review” segments build toward current angles and the non-wrestling action is designed to accent the wrestling.

This week, we open with Mike Bennett taking on Jay Lethal for the TV title. Lethal is really over here and it glaringly shows how misused he was in TNA. I don’t like that he had 5 finishing moves all called the Lethal Injection, or that the most current version starts with a back handspring off the ropes. Why not just hit the cutter. The back handspring version is fine in action, but why bother running to the ropes and adding extra flips while a guy just stands there after you work the crowd.

Mike Bennett is using his real life girlfriend, Maria Kanelis, as a valet. Amazing how easy it is to use a pretty girl for heat when you aren’t asking her to become a wrestler.

Kevin Steen is back in ROH. The ROH crowd seems to love him. I don’t think they want to turn Cornette heel, but it seems like the crowd will choose Steen over Cornette if they keep booking the way they are booking. I get that they are booking him like Steve Austin, but if they do that , they have to have a VKM for him to work against.

Cornette banned the piledriver in ROH. I trust that a lot more than the Steenalizer:

The newly turned WGTT called out the Briscoes. Briscoes practice what Nigel called “Redneck Kung Fu,” which made me chuckle. They are apparently willing to do chair shots in ROH as long as they are weak. Doing a safe chair shot is part of being a professional. Don’t overdo them and you have a really good gimmick to throw into a story line. Overuse it and we are back to sledgehammers again. Briscoe Brother 1 dove into a chair. Looked really safe and not painful at all, but Cornette made a big deal about it, which was smart. Something is only as important as you treat it..

So that is ROH. It is developing nicely. They still need a ton of work, but they are improving. Good for them

Ryan

Super Giant Ninja ROH

Last week, my grandma died. I needed to take some time off. I am better now. Here is some bullshit I wrote. Fuck you.

11-05-2011
So, we start with a package covering the previous week’s O’Reilly vs. Strong match. Say what you will about the House of Truth, but they are fucking Pro Wrestling. Truth Martini is swarmy and awesome as a 70’s rock band manager, Roderick Strong is your frat boy date rapist, and Michael Elgin is Bob Sweeten 70’s WWWF ugly. I love these guys.

We start with RoH’s weakest point: talking. Jim Cornette is in the ring. Blah blah blah… ‘Diehard’ Eddie Edwards comes to the ring. If he is ‘Diehard’, why doesn’t he wear a wifebeater? Why does he wear shoes? Why isn’t his head shaved? ‘Diehard’ brings certain imagery to mind and a dipshit with an underbite and a faux-hawk blathering on about his 3rd match with Davey Richards is not it. I understand that the only way these guys will get better on the mic is by talking, but RoH promos are torture. Davey Richards is out. If Chris Benoit was a poor man’s Dynamite Kid and Bryan Danielson is a poor man’s Chris Benoit, then Davey Richards is trying to draw water from an empty well. Davey calls out the House of Truth with some super lame insults. Calling Truth Martini a Vince Neil wannabe is so misguided and half-hearted.

Everyone online bitches about the Fed and TNA starting off their shows with sucky promos and RoH is supposed to be the alternative. Why am I watching a show that starts with a sucky promo? This is followed by a studio show style promo from the Briscoe Bros. Ugh.

Nigel McGuinness is sitting at the announce table and he looks so broken that it makes me sad. Why isn’t he a manager somewhere?

A video package for Elgin follows. Elgin is the best possible Rhino. He is thick like a tree, ugly as the day is long, and looks like he could and would kick your ass. Everything I want a wrestler to be, Elgin is. In a promotion full of frat bros, Michael Elgin looks like a fucking boss. Truth Martini cuts an amazing promo firing up Elgin. His life coach gimmick has been done before, but he nails it. Being one of the few dudes who can talk in RoH makes him stand out.

More goddamn talking. Shiloh Jonze? He looks like a dumber version of Jerry Lynn.

Our opener is Jonze vs. Elgin. Shiloh wears fringed hot pants. I want Elgin to murder him. Elgin wears an entrance mask like Muta, but it works. Why isn’t Elgin the champion? He is awesome. The much appreciated Tale of the Tape puts over Elgin’s advantage. He is clubberin’ the twink in hot pants. Elgin must be trying out for the Road Warriors, because that second rope shoulder tackle was PIMP. Whoever trained Elgin was a fan of 80’s WWF, because he works this match like it was WWF Main Event. Elgin’s spinning sitout powerbomb is a nice finish. Not as squashy as I would have liked, but I think the point was made. Elgin is a beast.

RoHwrestling.com ad. I can’t imagine paying for it, but I am a cheap motherfucker.

Kevin Steen goobledygook. More fucking talking. I want wrestling. Jesus tapdancing Christ. A bunch of ‘lawyers’ are blathering. Blah blah blah. This is not interesting, entertaining, or worth my time. Is RoH trying to make me stop watching this show? These ‘lawyers’ are leering and snearing like extras in a Spaghetti Western. This is not fun. Also, I am fairly certain I could beat up Kevin Steen. Why am I supposed to care about a chubby little fuck that can’t talk or wrestle? If you can’t grow a beard, don’t grow a fucking beard. Steen looks like a high school kid.

Mike Bennet has a manager who looks like Mickey from Rocky with Down’s Syndrome. Gee, another sleazy frat bro. Can we get some variety? At least Jay Lethal talks like Bill Cosby. There is so little to care about here. Kevin Kelly looks like he is ready to jack off to this shit at any moment.

Another RoHwrestling.com ad. If someone offered to buy a membership for me, I don’t think I would accept it.

A flashback to last week’s match between the Briscoes and the All Night Express. I still don’t like the Briscoes, but I cannot stand the announcers during ANX matches. Yes, I get that they are supposed to be party guys. No, I do not need you to reference them being a tag team outside the ring as well. This is like when a 16 year old tries to act grown up.

They are explaining how a non-title match works. Really. We need a fucking segment to explain how a motherfucking non-title match works. What the fuck? This is the 21st goddamn century. I have been watching wrestling since before these guys were born. Why are you explaining one of the oldest fucking things in wrestling? Fuck.

This is the second match of the night and is the main event. Two fucking matches, one being a squash. Caprice Coleman and Cedric Alexander are your challengers, two black dudes with Mohawks. The champions are Wrestling’s Greatest Tag Team aka the World’s Greatest Tag Team aka Team Angle aka Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin aka Team Lenny and Carl. WGTT cut a promo on the Briscoes. It is pretty meh. Coleman and Alexander are big dudes, but WGTT are bigger. The announcers are explaining the fucking rules… again. Come the fuck on. They are still reiterating the ‘Shelton Benjamin is a great athlete’ talking point from his WWE days. I hate that shit. A spot is blown so ridiculously that I cannot articulate it. Coleman and Alexander are not ready for prime time. I remember when RoH was too good for PAC to get a gig. Now, there are hamandeggers like this in the ring. A commercial break is a mild reprieve from this brutally bad match. I could be playing Saints Row the Third right now. In fact, I am going to talk about that game until this match ends. I made my gangster look like Kakihara from Ichi the Killer and it has been pretty hilarious watching him murder his way across the city. I thought Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas was as good as that sort of game could get, but so far this game has been boss. I love the soundtrack, too. KMFDM and Tyler the Creator on the same game? Hell yeah! They even picked good songs. There is a scene with your character singing along to the radio that is one of the most memorable game scenes I have played in years. So much fun. There is a timer showing how close the jabronis are to getting a time limit draw. The champs defend successfully. That was the shittiest non-Diva match I have seen on TV since the waning days of WCW. That was JAPW bad. If I had something better to do on a Saturday night, I wouldn’t be watching this. The Briscoes come out.

11-12-2011
Time for more of the same. We start with a flashback to the worst match, let alone main event, I can recall watching in a decade. It was brutal. That neither of the WGTT ended up injured by the green jobbers they were in the ring with is a Hanukkah miracle.

First out are the Bravado Brothers. They have a… distinctive look. By distinctive, I mean they look like twinks. Speaking of twinks, here come the Young Bucks. Somewhere, Rob Feinstein has the angriest boner. I do prefer the Young Bucks as heels. They look like douchebags, so playing heel is natural. The Bravados are smooth. The Young Bucks are still Super Indy. I am becoming a Bravado Brothers fan. They are the tag team that the Young Bucks are sold as. Seriously, they are smooth and crisp. Their look is fantastic. The Bucks win the match, but the Bravados won my heart. This was the best match I have seen on RoH TV. Good stuff.
Starting off with a match is a good look for RoH. Out come the World’s Greatest Tag Team for a promo. I don’t care.

Kevin Steen package. I don’t get the boner people have for this lump of shit.

More Lethal and Bennett. Why does this show act like I didn’t watch last week? I thought the point of wrestling was to get me to watch every week.

I still can’t stand looking at Kevin Kelly.

Steve Corino is out to apologize. His evil person trying to make amends gimmick will be stolen by the Fed. It is too perfect not to be.

The Ring of Honor crowd is ugly. Like, wow. I am not a male model, but these people look like extras from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. So very ugly.

The main event is the American Wolves vs. the House of Truth. For those of you who have known the touch of a woman, that is Eddie Edwards and Davey Richards vs. Michael Elgin and Roderick Strong. American Wolves is a shit name for a shit tag team. I think my hate of Richards and Edwards is well established. I love Elgin. Strong is tolerable. The only way this match sends me home happy is if Elgin cripples everyone else in the ring, including the ref. He can powerbomb Kevin Kelly, too. Fake looking bullshit strikes. Open hand chops. Ugh. The best thing I can say about this match is that for as fake and false and lame as it is, it is well executed, at least. Elegant trash. I hate Richards so much right now. Elgin hitting a Torture Rack Bomb on his annoying ass makes this match tolerable. Strong has a nice dropkick. Forget Rhino, Elgin needs to be the new Arn Anderson. Get this man some trunks and a spinebuster, stat. I hate dives in RoH. This is not Arena Mexico. You are not Sombra. Stay in the fucking ring. Why was the opening tag match so much better than this one? Oh, I know. No fetishistic chopping. No bullshit lame submissions. No irritating signature spots. Roderick Strong hits the move of the night: a backdrop onto the apron. Edwards is sloppy as Taco Bell shit. The need to mention Entertainment Wrestling only serves to remind me that RoH is not entertaining. If there was a God in Heaven, Michael Elgin would get out of RoH before he gets crippled by an errant Richards kick. If you have a tag team name, your tights should match. The camera misses Elgin’s corner spear. Convoluted and stupid spot count is up to 3. I want to make a CAW of Davey Richards and drop him off the top of a cage. Martini distracts the ref and things go all to Hell. Richards wins. Meh. Not a great match, but Edwards using a hold he has never used before was a nice touch. I don’t remember Strong doing anything in this match.
I guess I will watch next week.

SUPER GIANT NINJA ROH

I somehow got talked into doing write-ups for the new Ring of Honor show on Sinclair Broadcasting. While Sinclair does not have a channel in the Kansas City area, they are nice enough to stream it online for free, so that is what I am doing. The 10-29 episode was taped in Louisville, KY.

We start with a montage for the Roderick Strong/ Kyle O’Reilly opener. The back and forth interviews are a good idea, but the executions suffers from the fact that Roderick Strong is boring and O’Reilly looks like a skeleton decided to use a tanning booth.

O’Reilly has terrible trunks, like Sparky Plugg bad tights. Strong comes out with Truth Martini, who I really like. The tale of the tape is, once again, a nice touch. A tie up to start, followed by some mat work. Some nice mat work, actually. O’Reilly seems to know what he is doing, which is nice. Truth Martini is a guest commentator and I kinda like it. This is shot pretty well, the look is gritty, but not cheap. Kyle O’Reilly has a nice Mortal Kombat sweep. I hate the Full Nelson Backbreaker, but Roddy has a nice looking one. I could watch Strong kick O’Reilly in the face all day. The point of Nigel McGuinness on commentary is lost on me. He never says anything. Goddamn O’Reilly’s tattoo is distracting. Not in a good way. O’Reilly’s big spot, the series of Butterfly Suplexes, is terrible looking and he needs to quit doing it. Roderick Strong’s finisher is a Boston Crab. No, seriously. A Boston Crab. Not an OG Liontamer style, the lame Paul Roma on WCW Saturday Night Boston Crab. Why not use an Abdominal Stretch. Kevin Kelly just said the dumbest thing in wrestling history. The difference between wrestling and MMA is not the presence of pinfalls. The difference is that wrestling is fake. Come the fuck on. Roddy wins with a Yakuza Kick. Michael Elgin comes in to jump O’Reilly. Michael Elgin is 70’s ugly. There is a schmoz and Davey Richards comes out with one boot on. The match was good, but this is pretty awful. Martini sells like a champ.

James E. Cornette is blathering about Kevin Steen.

Why does Jay Lethal talk like Bill Cosby? I’m not joking. He really sounds just like Bill Cosby. I want him to win because of that. Eddie Edwards has a shit wrestling name. Even his nickname sucks. Diehard? That is only cool if you are John McClane. I could not pick Eddie Edwards out of a lineup.

RoH has a match called the Proving Ground match. It’s a non-title match and if the challengers win, they get a title shot. Umm, yeah.

Steve Corino is in the announce booth. I like his recovering evil person gimimick.

Alex Silva cannot keep his tongue in his mouth and looks like a homo. Tomasso Ciampa is out with Prince Nana and looks like a homo with a Mohawk. I like Ciampa, for some reason. Then he spits in Silva’s hand and I retract calling him a homo, despite his trunks. Silva is in a chinlock and his tongue is hanging out. Seriously. Ciampa is intense. Silva makes neckbreakers looks vicious. I’ve never seen someone sell it like that. Ciampa’s finisher is suck personified. Powerbomb onto double knees? Really? The double knees fetish needs to go away.

The main event is between the Briscoe Boys and the All-Night Express. I saw them on the RoH PPV I watched and they tore the house down. I smell blood. Shit gets real in a hurry. Everyone is brawling, so I will just call out the high spots. Kenny King can really jump. The All-Night Express dominate early, but a blind tag brings in the other redneck and things even out. I am not a big fan of the Briscoes. The announce team is talking about the sexual prowess of the All-Night Express. I need a shower to wash off that sleaze. Kevin Kelly needs to go away. Some stuff happens. Sorry, but this is hard to get excited about after the bloodbath that was their previous match. When a top rope Ace Crusher is not the finish, my eyes glaze over. The match ends, the Briscoes win. That was a match or something.

I wanted to like this show, especially after the solid opened, but man, the RoH roster is full of dead weight. See you next week.