Category Archives: Various wrestling reviews

WCW Greed 2001

Deek, Noah and I started watching the CMLL Fantasticmania show last night and at some point, we got bored. We decided to look and see what was on WWE Network and we’re so happy we did.

Gentlemen and no ladies, may we present our review of WCW Greed.

This was the final WCW pay per view.

Sam: “You know when you guys talk about remember when wrestling was big and people cared and it was fun? Well, these are the kind of shows that killed it. You’re watching it die right now.”

Throughout the show, someone has a video camera and is recording Buff Bagwell. Funny note: My autocorrect fixes his name to be Buff Bagel.

Jason Jett vs. Kwee Wee
Jason Jett used to wrestle for ECW as EZ Money while also making indy costumes. Kwee Wee was Angry Allen Funk who also got his face funked up by Sonny Saki. Name from the past, huh? Let’s look up Wiki:

On September 27, 2003 at the Baltic Brawl event in Helsinki, Finland, Funk wrestled a tag team match with Mike Sanders against Elix Skipper and Sonny Siaki. During that match, Siaki botched a split-legged moonsault and landed on Funk’s face knee-first. Funk was badly injured, breaking his eardrum, nose and jaw, also cracking his orbital bone. He has had four surgeries to repair the damage and is still 100% deaf in his left ear, but he made an otherwise full recovery.

I would say being deaf is not a full recovery.

He was also Chi Chi in Masked Warriors.

Anyways. This fucking match. This. Fucking. Match.

Deek: “This is a gem.”

Imagine a match where they give opening match guys 18 minutes and one of them decides he’s getting in everything he ever saw on every indy tape. That is to say, this is an indy match that people paid $39.95 for. Jason Jett realizes he may never be on PPV again, so he takes every ill advised bump possible, including missed shoulders into the corner transformed into lances into nowhere. It’s fucking great and terrible in equal measure, the kind of match that I bet veterans in back were flipping the fuck out and screaming over. In essence, what is better than a great match? A horrible one that’s awesomely horrible. It’s what we call the Rule of Jake (Garrett).

Look, just watch this fucking nonsense for yourself.


Jason Jett Vs Kwee Wee WCW GREED by Nochaser78

Elix Skipper & Kid Romeo v. Billy Kidman & Rey Mysterio
Again. This fucking match! This is a hidden near 4 star match. I’m not being an asshole here. It actually has a story, there are some insane moves and the right guys go over. The young upstarts beat the vets clean in a match that the crowd actually enjoys.

Are you wondering why Rey needed all those knee surgeries? I point you to this match.

Sam: “I love how he keeps breaking holds and going to the wrong side of the ring.”

Noah: “Sam, to his defense, the guy is on PPV ten matches into his career and has no idea where the hard cam is.”

I gave this match all this praise and it starts with a fucking power bomb. I don’t care. It was 2001. We did shit like that then, I guess. Also, there is a ridiculous double stage dive by the faces and the finish is perfect and this is exactly what we wanted to watch.


Rey Misterio & Billy Kidman vs… by Eff_5150

Shawn Stasiak vs. Bam Bam Bigelow
At this point, they were trying to make Shawn into Rick Rude. He also had more than three nicknames, which you would think is confusing. He would go on to be fired from WWE for tape recording people in locker rooms and car rides. Bam Bam would go on to do tremendous amounts of drugs, as his eyes and red nose showed us that yes, he also may have done this match coked to the gills. I know I would need to coke to work this one.

Noah: “Alexandra York looks hot.”
Sam: “That’s Stacy Keibler.”
Noah: “You’re going to put that into the review, right?”

Note: Stacy Keibler is the only pro wrestler who can tell you exactly what George Clooney’s dick looks like. Also: her legs are taller than most men’s height.

This was…pure shit. Just pure shit. Bam Bam wore two color tights and a dress shirt. I think that about says it all.

Lance Storm & Mike Awesome v. Konnan & Hugh Morrus
One of these guys thinks he is the moral cop of wrestling. One of these guys is dead. One of these guys looks like your fat neighbor with Konnan’s head and tells Dave that Sombra isn’t that good. Another of these guys fucked up all sorts of people in NXT and for some reason still has a job. This match is exactly as boring and shitty as you think. I went and took a shit during it. Literally? Literally.

Chavo Guerrero Jr. v. Shane Helms
64X FF. We have the technology, thanks to Apple TV.

Sean O’Haire & Chuck Palumbo v. Lex Luger & Buff Bagwell
Look at this:
Sean: Dead/in jail
Chuck: Gay gimmick
Lex: Nearly in jail/killed Elizabeth/nearly died/found God
Buff: Escort (which means gay, get rid of your male power fantasies right now, dudes)

The match itself is why there is no WCW any longer. Also: at some point, Animal is backstage.

Kanyon v. The Cat
Kanyon is dead and gay. The Cat killed Randy the Ram. This match is all sorts of stupid, including women randomly getting involved with no disqualification and some dude named Smooth who shows up at the end and we all marked out for no reason. Smooth is, of course, Ice Train, who would soon team with The Cat to beat Kanyon and, of all people, Road Warrior Joe on Thunder. Yes, WCW should have stood for What the Fuck instead of Woman Crush Wednesday.

Rick Steiner v. Booker T
I’ll be honest. We only watched the finish, in which a disco belted fat Shane Douglas hit Rick with a cast. I can only hope this ended up setting up a match where Rick peed in Shane’s mouth and made him say, “Thank you” and “I love your piss, Sir.”

Dusty & Dustin Rhodes v. Ric Flair & Jeff Jarrett
Throughout the show, they keep updating us on how many burritos Dusty has eaten backstage. At times, 30. At other times, because fuck continuity, it’s 40. This leads us to…

RETURN OF THE EIGHTBALL!
Would you rather eat 40 burritos or 298 pancakes?

DEEK: “I think you could get a different variety and enjoy 40 different burritos, but pancakes are just pancakes.”

SAM: “After awhile, every the syrup would suck.”

This should lead to a spot where Dusty shits himself. As it is, he has gas, so this keeps him from the match, making Dustin take the heat. Instead of Dusty throwing some heat into the toilet. Anyways, Ric Flair wrestles in chinos and a Hawaiian shirt, which is what I want a WWE $25 deluxe figure of right now.

Dusty gives the stink face full of burritos. 30. Or 40. 3 stars. Or 4.

Scott Steiner vs. DDP
We pulled an Andy and shut it off.

-Sam, Deek and Noah

PS – Kris sent this:

10952320_10205569451979131_1329614080_n

10952245_10205569453299164_589316536_n

Royal Rumble

First off, hello everyone out there that checks this site every once in awhile hoping that someone writes something. That some time is now.

I’ve seen a lot of people upset about the Royal Rumble. Keep in mind, Vince’s DNA is made of the fact that his father already had Superstar Billy Graham’s loss to Bob Backlund programmed before Superstar even won the belt. The McMahons make a decision, stick with it and say, “fuck you” every time you second guess it. I think if the internet and Twitter had been around in 1984, people would have hated Corporal Kirschner and been vocal about it. Oh, they did and they were? But seriously, this is what they want to present and if you don’t like it, stop buying their dolls and video games and $9.99 a month. It’s the only way they’ll ever get the message.

A lot of people are upset about Dan Bryan going out so soon. Look, Vince McMahon only gets an erection these days based on the collective tears of fat kids, so keep on crying, he’s nearly finished.

Always keep in mind: this is the company that had a Guerrero dress up as a chicken, set up a Steamboat vs. Savage rematch in the Wrestlemania 4 tourney and put Greg Valentine over Steamboat and squashed the Radicals their first week in. Also: the entire Invasion angle. If you’re just hip to the “WWE doesn’t listen to their fans,” that’s like an abusive wife just realizing that her husband has only been hitting her for a few weeks, not a few years. They’ve never listened to their fans, except a few times, and they’ll never forget all the times they did listen to you, WWE Universe.

Other than that, Mr. Lincoln, how did you like getting murdered?

There was a New Day vs. Adam Rose, Tyson Kidd and Cesaro opener that everyone kind of watched. Remember when Cesaro won that Andre trophy? Well, there’s a figure coming out with it if you do care to remember. This match was 6 guys who won’t be here for long and a chance for indy guys to talk about that time they worked for New York, albeit as a Rosebud. During this match I said, “I bet the Rosebuds catch Adam Rose and drop him and catch Kofi instead.” I was pretty much half right. Which more right than I am most of the time.

The Rumble is all about betting, y’all. This year, prop bets galore. This match was 7-3 Cesaro’s team, so everyone did alright.

New Age Outlaws vs. Ascension was a match I missed as I typed up brackets. Why they did that angle Monday where they buried these guys when they were going up here makes me wonder what I always do: Who was the heel? Who was the face? Who the fuck cares? 8-2 Ascension here. Note: When you do a devil/evil gimmick and I don’t give a fuck about you, you’re doing something wrong. Bring back the New Church. Oh, wait, that was TNA. Note: I finally watched the new TNA. Spoiler: TNA is what drove me away from this site. Their new TV? Even worse, if that’s a thing.

Usos vs. Mizdow: We had it 7-3 Usos and this match was pretty much a squash. My wife loves the Miz, as she loves MTV reality shows, and she hates the Mizdow gimmick. I said, “Wrestling fans like it,” to which she just stares at me in the way that silently says, “Sam, wrestling fans are fucking stupid.” She is right.

Bellas vs. Paige/Natalya: They didn’t even get a story started. They just ended. 8-2 Bellas. I asked Noah, “Who do you want to win?” Noah said, “When you bet on the Rumble, always go with your heart.” One of the Bellas fucks John Cena and wears Nikes. So yeah. You know where Noah’s heart was.

Brock Lesnar vs. Seth Rollins vs. John Cena: This match was awesome. One of our friends was there live while we watched her dog, who wears a diaper so he looks like Dennis the Menace’s dog cosplaying as Yokozuna. She said that live, everyone thought Lesnar was really hurt, which took away from the enjoyment of the match. My personal enjoyment was seeing Lesnar play sleeping Misawa, then come in and legit rape Seth Rollins with a german suplex. This felt like a WWE2K15 match, where I’m controlling Lesnar, Ryan is Seth and Noah is Cena and has no idea who Seth Rollins is. I fell asleep after the table spot, but then came in and used all my specials and everyone ended up mad that I won. Except we weren’t and the right guy won for Mania. Not to be a mark, but it’d be hilarious if the Mania main event was a one way squash like that Cena match that should have meant something and didn’t and that’s where all this felt like it went off the rails. At some point, someone is going to post a picture of Seth Rollins and say, “Indy wrestling matters.” Well, Brian won $45 on the prop bets, which is a bigger payoff that most indy guys will make from now until March, so fuck you.

Rumble, my favorite match of the year. The match that has shown me the highs (Demolition fighting, the entire Rumble Flair won, random dudes dying on eliminations) and the lows (everything else plus Drew Carrey). Everyone was off on the first guy, figuring Ziggler would be in it for the entire show, overselling for everyone and generally being fake as fuck, but they were wrong. He came in at #30 and oversold for everyone and was generally fake as fuck.

I asked everyone who would have the magic number. Everyone answered with a number, not understanding that #27 is the magic number. I drew said magic number in our pool. I got Wade Barrett. WWE has obviously given up on the magic number.

Rusev threw out the most people, as he should. He also disappeared at the end and everyone was like, Rusev is the great Russian hope to beat up that Samoan guy we all decided that we hate. Guess what, I hated him in NXT before he was even Roman Reigns, which makes me the fattest, stupidest mark of them all! That said – nope. Rusev got tossed right onto the post show, where he got in a fight with John Cena and asked him if he could have the honor of putting him over on the biggest stage of them all, the Tokyo Dome…err, WrestleMania.

DDP came back. Bubba Ray came back. Yes, a year of TNA where he got one over on Hogan, ran Aces and Eights, came back as a face and here we are, he’s back all covered up and wearing glasses while 1100 mutants who once huddled for warmth in a shitty building all chanted their hearts out. Wrestling matters. Sure it does. Anyways, I like Bubba or Bully or whatever. I enjoyed his little comeback and that is that.

Bray Wyatt tossed a bunch of people. I was kind of hoping his dad would come out when he did the open challenge, but you know. The whole Wyatt Family reunion was sloppy. But he was in awhile and was unceremoniously dumped.

Dan Bryan. You can take the indy out of…actually you can’t. The dude still got a dive in during a battle royal. That’s like doing a submission in a battle royal. Or a giant swing. Yeah, that happened too.

Anyways, Adam had Roman, so he won a lot of money. More than we can legally list without Mike Rotundo getting his giant schnozz into out business.

Did the right guy win? Who can say. The internet has all gotten together and decided that they love Betty White, hate Roman Reigns and enjoy masturbation. They’re not changing their minds. They want Dan Bryan on top. Vince doesn’t, as he has proven for the last year or two.

Noah actually had Dan Bryan’s number and thought, for a moment, that he might win. When he was thrown out, he said, “Now I know how the rest of internet fans have felt.”
-Sam

Sam’s late thoughts on WWE Payback

We watched Payback. Kris was in town. Deek’s dad Petunia showed up dressed like this:

john gay bike 3 dec07

Let’s dispense with the introductions and discuss the show.

El Torito vs. Hornswoggle
Mascarita Dorada is one of the most talented minis I have ever seen. Putting him in this match is much like putting Juventud Guerrera and Jushin Liger in a match that ends with Liger getting a tequila bottle cracked over his head. Oh, that happened? Fuck.

Cesaro vs. Sheamus
Sheamus has good matches here and there, yet I never have been given one single reason to care about him. Outside of that kid at the Royal Rumble who stood up and screamed, “IT’S THE RETURN OF THE CELTIC WARRIOR!” I don’t know who else does. That said, he always gets figures made of himself. So I guess that means that some people, in some place, like him. Same people that feel that way about Randy Orton, I figure. Anyway: Cesaro turned face, then heel in the space of a day or so and that has not worked out. He also hasn’t done the giant swing in awhile, but here he does and instead of being hurt by it, Sheamus gets the better of it and schoolboys Cesaro, making him look like a total geek. In case you wonder why this isn’t working, there’s your answer right there. It’s like they get afraid to push guys who are getting over. And then, they fuck that up.

Rybaxl vs. The Rhodes Brothers
This was pretty fucking good. Really interesting tag work and a lot of unexpected ways in and out of heat, which was nice to see. I also really liked the end, where instead of a turn, we have the more interesting journey of Cody thinking that he’s worthless. Also: Axl and Perfect’s kid have settled into a nice little role here.

Rusev vs. Big E
I loved this match. This is what every Rusev match should be, just big dudes trying to murder him, like that spear Big E hit him with that took him to the floor. Sadly, whoever Big E was in NXT never came up here, so it doesn’t look good. I don’t really like Rusev much, as he doesn’t really seem like anything without the girl doing the promos for him. But again, I think we’ve proved that I know less than shit (and according to some posters, we have proved that Vince McMahon fucks me in the ass every night, which I’m glad I finally learned about because it explains why I wake up covered in tears).

Bo Dallas vs. Kofi Kingston
If Bo Dallas was doing his gimmick in the indies, dudes would be pulling him to the side to talk. But he’s doing it on the big stage. Anyways, Kane fucks this all up.

Bad News Barrett vs. Rob Van Dog
I see nothing at all of worth in Barrett. It’s something people think is funny backstage versus something that works. That’s just my opinion. On the other hand, I fucking love this guy:

Split Dog

John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt
This match was pretty awesome, even if it was super slow in points, but the action later made up for it, in a “we’re playing WWE14, check out these fucking crazy new table moves you can do in it” kind of way. It was better than anything else this year so far, I will say that. And it doesn’t kill Bray at all, despite what some people may think. This was a lot of fun.

Paige vs. Alicia Fox
This was what it was. Paige looked good. I am sexist.

c0cd1c_4c6fd5f4c54eac4f8473b13b0004dac6

The Shield vs. Evolution
That was perfect: the right busy went over, the other guys made them look awesome, the odds were against the valiant faces who made a big comeback and everyone went home happy. And then, they fucked with it the next night. But you come to expect these things.

As Dave Meltzer would say, thumbs up.
As Hustler would say, nearly Fully Erect.
-Sam

WrestleMania review

This was the first streaming PPV. It’s also supposedly the first Mania of the “Reality Era.” I hate when people break down eras, because it’s like, when does the golden age or silver age begin? Whatever. Let’s not put things into buckets, let’s enjoy them for what they are.

We gathered at Noah’s house for the first ever streaming PPV. As amazingly museum awesome as Noah’s house is, it has super weak streaming internet, so we old school hooked up a cable, 50 feet of cable, so everyone could trip over it all night long, all night, feel good, feel good.

The pre-show had a tag team match where everyone got their shit in. It was good, if you have a short attention span and are ready for a million moves at 5 PM knowing you will be watching 6 hours more wrestling. You know, all day yesterday, I saw workers posting on Facebook that this is our Super Bowl, you have to respect today, how it’s everyone’s goal. Why don’t we stop with the generalizations? You know when my Super Bowl is? The Super Bowl, dude. It’s fake fighting that ruins lives and costs $80 to watch ($60 for six months of streaming). I don’t know. I came into this WrestleMania mad negative. Are you even the least bit surprised?

There used to be this rule about not killing heat in wrestling, but fuck that, because Hogan, Stone Cold and The Rock all came out before the first real match and spent 20 minutes making fun of Hulk Hogan. Anyone that has watched TNA (me) in the last 2 years (me alone) realizes that Hulk Hogan and a live mic are not best friends. Yet, here we were, with him saying the wrong building name and everyone calling him on it. Everyone loved all of this and it was awesome and wow, it was way too early on the show to get all this out of people.

Dan Bryan beat Triple H in a match that people seemed to like. Me, I was walking Ang during most of it. That’s my test of a match. If I can walk my dog, come back and the match is still going on and the heat is still medium, I didn’t miss anything. Post-match, the man who used to fuck Chyna went buckfutter and attacked Dan Bryan’s arm and Stephanie had on the worst outfit ever. She looked like the shittiest Chippendale’s cosplayer of all time.

The Shield killed the New Age Outlaws and Giant Pete Rose. Really, Dave said, “I expect to see The Shield back again later in the show. Don’t know it, but it would seem there’s a reason to rush through that.” Maybe the same dude that told him out CM Punk coming back gave him a hint.

Meanwhile, TO THE BACK, where Slam City was being played by Sgt. Slaughter, Hacksaw Jim Duggan and a wizened Ricky Steamboat while Danny Davis and his giant tattoo officiated. Ted DiBiase then bought the whole thing and laughed, which is funny, because he overpaid for it. You can get the same toys for cheap at Toys R Us. You don’t have to buy them backstage for a higher price. Financial decisions like these are why Ted has to do comic book shows to make money and kill his gimmick in public. All I know is, I don’t have to pay Donald Trump $25 for a fucking Polaroid. PS: Ron Simmons.

The Andre the Giant battle royal was pretty much a battle royal, albeit one where Kofi decided to break his ankle. The dude has a baby now. Maybe that’s more reason to die. There were no surprises, except, well, Cesaro hulking the fuck out and throwing out the Big Show and messing up everyone who was betting. We were more like, “Fuck, now he has to carry that statue in his luggage. Good thing he’s strong.” Major points to Rey for his Obey gear. Oh, and for Fandango dancing on the apron, because that shit was hilarious.

John Cena didn’t have to win, but he did, and there you go. The match was boring at best and the Wyatt Family is cool, but this was what happens, I guess. It was around this point that a rambling food discussion ensured that was never fully explained or resolved.

The legends all came out and Howard said that Lita looked fat. If so, I wonder what planet of emaciated CARE children he comes from. Also, Warrior got old, but guess what: we all get old.

What a segue, huh?

Undertaker and Brock had a 45 minute match that felt like 19 eons. Seriously, there were times where I felt like Altered States in the tank and became a caveman. This thing went on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and it just kept on going on and on. Anyways, no one gave Brock a chance, no one was paying attention and somewhere in there, he won and it was like when Ivan Koloff beat Bruno in that everyone went silent and the end of the movie when you realize the monster is just some guy in a suit with the zipper showing. That is to say, it was sad. Dudes on Facebook went off about Taker never passing the torch or how this was an honor to get the win or how Brock didn’t deserve this. I’m sure some people think this is a chance to fuck over CM Punk, because he didn’t get the win last year. To be fair, I think Undertake blew himself up making all those caskets and didn’t properly prepare for the match. Regardless, there are so many pictures of dudes losing their shit that we were in stitches.

http://tapemachinesarerolling.tumblr.com/post/81950991268/fans-at-wrestlemania-xxx-react-to-the-end-of-the

Those dudes made my night.

The Divas came out and had what can charitably be called a clusterfuck. AJ won, the two Bellas are not twins any more and lady dives. Some dudes thought Natalya looked hot, I’m sure. I wasn’t in that camp.

Piper shook hands with Mr. T. Paul Orndorff looked like a cattle baron. Hulk Hogan has never learned how to say Paul’s last name. Mean Gene has lived with someone else’s internal organs for a long time.

Dan Bryan won in a match against Drax the Destroyer and Randy Orton. Randy’s back and a TV monitor were the highlights of this. Kids: throw the monitors into the crowd like Brock did if you want to do it right. This was the right finish and the kids were happy.

Overall, Mania made me sad. It always does. It reminds me how out of touch I am with wrestling, as I am bored senseless with matches only to come back and see Really Dave give them over four stars. Or maybe I just don’t like anything. That’s probably true. It’s the anticipation into letdown feeling that always leaves me feeling ennui.
-Sam

ROYAL RUMBLE LIVE

We got to the Sooperbowl at 5 or so Sam and Noah time, which is around 5:37. Chris Wood in tow, meeting with Ryan. We arrived to a bar full of grown men blasting old WWE theme songs, all singing along to “Sexy Boy.” You know after how you’re really deep in the ocean and you have to avoid the bends and you need to be in a chamber for awhile? This was like that, a gay hyperbaric chamber to prepare us for the cavalcade of man on man action that was ion to commence.

The Rhodes Brothers vs. The New Age Outlaws: Conventional wisdom says that Cody and Golddust work so well as a team, the only value is them together and there’s no money in them feuding. This same conventional wisdom would say that the New Age Outlaws having the world title belts on a roster that’s 14 year or more younger than them is also perhaps a misstep. You will learn, if you have not, that not a single person in WWE cares what their audience says. That said, great work by all involved and the finish was good.

Dan Bryan vs. Bray Wyatt: Watching this start, I figured, “Well, there goes the night.” Seriously, these guys fucking brought it, with the kind of match you don’t get to see much on this stage any more: real emotion and it felt like a fight. It didn’t feel like fake kick out near falls and choreography. Which is, after all, what pro wrestling should be: a fight. The finish was so perfectly timed, with Bray catching a dive into his finish, then hitting it again in the ring just to put the icing on the evil cake was perfect. He’s an actual player now, getting involved in the title match and with Cena and Orton. “You guys are assholes. You love this gimmick, but hate Hillbilly Jim and his cousins. It’s the same gimmick,” said Noah. Seriously, if the night ended here, everyone would be happy. It didn’t. They weren’t.

Brock Lesnar vs. The Big Show: Noah was the only person who picked Big Show to win. This went just like it should: a legal rape. It would have been better if Brock decimated a whole bunch of lower rung guys, but there you go.

Randy Orton vs. John Cena: The Pittsburgh crowd was upset starting here. A lot of it is because CONSOL Energy Center is all steps. Legit: we walked 10 flights of steps just to get to our seats, where we would be walking down the steepest steps ever to get to our seats. Also: some guy handed one of his kids over his other kids, dangling him about 50 feet above the ground level. His kid did not even have a sailboat Owen Hart harness on. Pittsburgh, everybody. But yeah, CONSOL. It’s one of the few buildings in the world that has an RC Cola license, so you can only get RC, Cherokee Red, Vernor’s and Diet Rite to drink. In other words, it’s fucking awesome. It also has a Tim Horton’s, which other than the hidden one in Wheeling, may be the southmost Tim Horton’s ever. But yeah, all those steps and the fact that we have a week of negative forty degree weather coming up and everyone was all salt. On the other hand, the sequence where they switched finishers was great and I didn’t even mind the Wyatt run-in.

Royal Rumble: Nearly everyone there wanted Dan Bryan to be in this. When Rey came out at 30, people reacted like Rey was the biggest heel in the world, which upset every small child in front of us. CM Punk was supposed to be the Ric Flair of this, but mostly, he took Misawa naps without being Misawa. Kane was out there forever, so when he attacked, it was no surprise at all (unless you were home, which I am not sure). No 3MB, which upset no one but Noah. That new NXT kid was in and Noah was all like, “Ted Arcidi!” He liked him for about ten seconds until he realize that he was not ready to be in WWE yet. Kofi did a long jump and people were super pleased. Batista came out and people were like, “Ah, fuck, it’s like nothing changed in 4 years.” If you’re just learning this now, you’re still learning this. The big Shield dude, Roman, hit a Superman Punch, which I was thinking, “Fuck, some kid did that to me last week and he was half my size and I sold it because it was his finish and I thought he was unique and I don’t watch WWE so I didn’t even know he just ripped it off Roman Reigns and not a UFC guy.” So fuck me, basically. Anyways, this isn’t about me, it’s about the Rumble. Chris Wood won the Rumble bet, $145 of it. Scotty Metropolis won the prop bets, missing nearly nothing other than Batista being #28 instead of #27. Everyone else lost when Dave won, but seeing him do the yes, yes, yes with his middle fingers to the crowd was enjoyable.

The best part of the whole show? Some 5 year old stood up and yelled, “The Celtic Warrior has returned.” So yes, people really do say WWE Universe.

That said, we had fun. Maybe it was the live show. Who knows. Maybe we are opposite people, only liking things others seem to not like. Or maybe we have learned long ago and come to accept that Vince does not a give a fuck about wrestling fans, but please buy his Network.
-Sam

Survivor Series

We had a hell of a time getting a stream. Keep this in mind, as the show stuttered throughout to the point that we thought Ryan could leave at any time and then he did. But he was a trooper and stuck it out. And in the long run, it was really for the best that we didn’t pay for this, as we got nonbuyer’s remorse. So just imagine how that feels.

There were a bunch of Legends going over the show. We thought Mick Foley was Zeb. Or Michael McDonald. Or clean cut Jake Garrett. But no, it was Mick Foley.

Noah: Who is that other guy?
Sam: Bret Hart.
Noah: Oh, he looks pretty good for being a lesbian.

We also had to explain to Noah who Renee Young was and what she does.

Kofi vs. Miz: You would think Mix would be the heel here, because people genuinely hate him and want to see him die. But no, he worked as a tweener and Kofi worked more like a heel as the match went on.

Noah: Remember that time that Kofi got that huge push with Randy Orton and painted his car at MSG and everyone wanted to see him be a big star?
Sam: Remember when Miz headlined Mania?

They did a really nice reversal sequence, but Kofi went for the same move too many times and lost, so if he was in TNA, he’d be the face, as he looked like a complete idiot. So, if the plan is for heel Kofi…look. It doesn’t fucking matter. No ones cares, honestly. This won’t move one needle or make one match better or change a thing.

Here are some Survivor Series Dream Teams:
Noah: Ultimate Warrior, Hawk, Animal, Kerry and Sin Cara
Ryan: Jake Roberts, Bray Wyatt, Chris Benoit, Eddy Guerero, Kurt Angle
Sam: Demolition (all three), Powers of Pain

Sam: I call them the Real Fakes. Mr. Fuji can manage the Powers of Pain and decide who he wants to manage.
Noah: Manage everyone. Punitive damages.

Sam: Do you think the Gobbley Gooker will come back?
Noah: He’s the toughest man to never reach 6 feet. Hashtag that. Oh, Sam. Can you add Karl Malone to my team?

Sam: I have a better team. The Fecalfiliacs: Tommy Dreamer, who doesn’t like to see women poop. TL Hopper, who cleaned toilets. The Dog, who drank from a toilet on Nitro. Kevin Sullivan, who fought in the toilets with Chris Benoit. And you think I’d pick Dusty Rhode, as he took a turd out of the bowl when he first came to work for Vince, but no. I went another way. Sid is the final member, as he shit his pants on a Mania.

Usos/Rhodes/Rey vs. Shield/Real Americans: Remember when the Shield was cool and matter before they forgot how to properly shake hands? We started this match saying, “This is the match where they start giving Roman Reigns the Diesel push.” He’s no Diesel. He’s not even Kane Diesel. But hey, they’re going to fucking try. Just like that TV network. Take it from Sam, who works in advertising, you can totally launch a major cable network in 3 months and not tell anyone or have advertisers. You can also try to stop your car Fred Flintstone style with your feet. Just because you can do something does not mean you should. I fail to see how a new network makes them any money. Then again, isn’t wrestling more about saying crazy shit, like, “Hey, I used to own my own football league,” or “Remember when I thought people would pay money to watch three hours of oiled up dudes posing?”

Big E beat Curtis Axel, who has a job. That’s right, some dudes are out there barnstorming and working for shitty indy promoters and Curtis Axel will get chance after chance to fail and not connect. He should buy his mom’s ovaries and his dad’s frozen sperm many gifts this holiday season.

There is a Miz Xmas movie. I hope that Ryan reviews it for the site.

The girls had a match. We didn’t know several of the girls and the feed went out when Jojo got in the ring and Noah was sad and he asked us to all pretend that she was awesome and did a ton of highspots and got over like Tiger Mask did in Allentown in the late seventies/early eighties. We came back and she was getting pinned. For all we know, she changed the sport last night.

Ryback is turning, so that means he’s doing jobs because the conventional wisdom is that no one remembers jobs once you turn. The conventional wisdom is dumb as fuck. Mark Henry came out looking like Rick Ross and beat him like Noah was controlling him or some shit.

John Cena beat Alberto Del Rio. They later teased he and Orton will fight again and we haven’t seen that in years. We did see it for years, though.

Punk and Bryan beat the Wyatt Family in a match that had a cute hot tag and seemed pretty over. You can disagree with the finish if you’d like, that a made up tag team beat a team that teams all the time, but see, they’re building the tag team division, so these things that make no sense just mean you’re a fucking mark and don’t see the big picture.

Finally, Randy Orton beat the Big Show, but Ryan had left and Noah was asleep. Angelo the dog laid down in front of the fire and all was peaceful and just perfect. I shut off what was called pro wrestling and just meditated on the couch, enjoying the quiet and relief of not having to be anywhere, do anything or answer to anyone.
-Sam, Noah and Ryan

SummerSlam review

DEAN AMBROSE VS. ROB VAN DOG
We missed it, because we were buying popsicles. What flavors did we get? A lot of coconut based flavors, like coconut/pineapple and coconut/banana. Outshine popsicles, everyone. Some beer, too. Some pork.

I’ll write a better finish: Dean Ambrose turned face, because all he wanted to do was pet Rob Van Dog’s belly, which looks great now that he’s groomed.

Split-Dog

KANE VS. BRAY WYATT
First match in the feud = fire match. And they say Vince Russo is retired. We missed this one, too. Seriously, we used a “father” cart, so called because it’s smaller than the family and bigger than a “bachelor,” or basket. It was packed. Noah won the guessing game of how much everything was. But seriously, Yuengling Octoberfest is out and that’s pretty fucking rad. Right guy won, let’s move on.

CODY RHODES VS. DAMIEN SANDOW


We got the feed working just in time for this match. We almost ordered the WWE feed. It was $45 to watch it on the laptop. Come the fuck on. Anyways, Cody won and he doesn’t seem like a babyface, but obviously, we know nothing.



ALBERTO DEL RIO VS. CHRISTIAN
Del Rio had a fucked up eye from some incident with Drew McIntyre. Maybe he knocked up his wife, getting her out of TNA. Actually, that’s the best thing he could have done. Actually, he didn’t knock her up, but something happened and his eye looked like shit. So Christian kept hitting him in the eye, so he hit Christian in the teeth (which had barely healed from the last PPV).

BRIE BELLA VS. NATALYA

We had to explain Total Divas to Noah during this match, which was probably more entertaining than the match.



C.M. PUNK VS. BROCK LESNAR


This match was pretty fucking awesome. The right guy won, much unlike every other Brock Lesnar PPV match since he came back. I’d rather call him Bork Laser, but whatever. He was fucking awesome here and bumps on his head all the time, which makes him fucking great. The one fucking ungreat thing? Punk got a comeback by punching him right in his stomach, which if you know his real-life story of almost dying, is a great way to make him from monster into someone who can be hurt. The announcers picked up on none of this.



DOLPH ZIGGLER & KAITLYN VS. BIG E LANGSTON & A.J. LEE


Throughout the show, we had a feed where Arabic dudes translated everything. This made the matches so much better than they ever could have been. Hearing these dudes say, “holy shit” kind of made the entire event, to be honest.



JOHN CENA VS. DANIEL BRYAN


This went exactly the way you’d expect it. I’ve turned the corner on Bryan. He’s awesome. Noah said that he never will. Anyways, you know. The Fed enjoys shitting on the people who most often give it money, so it’s kind of like having a girlfriend. Or the closest thing most WWE fans will ever get to a girlfriend. The Arab dudes chanted YES YES YES for most of this match. 9 billion stars for that.

SummerSlam. There you go.
-Sam

WrestleMania

Noah and I went to GI Joe Con this weekend, which was one of the best experiences of my life. I’m really honored to have such a great brother and we had a blast. We had no idea if we’d make it back in time for mania, but we did, so here we are.

We missed the preshow of Miz vs. Barrett. It doesn’t really matter that we did. This is a great example of Vince’s waxing/waning cycles of interest. Miz is in favor, our of favor, now he’s in. He’s a guy I’ve never cared for, never believed in. This theme permeates nearly everyone in the WWE at this point, with few exceptions.

The Shield vs. Orton/Sheamus/Show: This get the faces on the show match was…it was. There was nothing on the line, no reason to care and there’s no one that really cares to see Orton vs. Show or Sheamus vs. Show or any match coming out of that in any combination. The Shield are a more charismatic Aces & Eights: why are they here and what do they want? Justice? They’ve been here and beat all the top faces. So have they succeeded? What have they received?

Ryback vs. Mark Henry: I love how they book this to go longer and are shocked when it doesn’t work. Excuses: crowd couldn’t see, it was cold, crowd wasn’t reacting. Of course they weren’t. You didn’t give them what they wanted to see. Wrestling can be simple that way.

Bryan/Kane vs. Langston/Ziggler: This was the best match on the show so far, but that’s very damning praise. Everyone worked hard, including Ziggler overselling a simple boot at the end to the point that he was out of position and nearly hit the ref, nearly alerting him to the false finish at the end. His overselling isn’t good working. Don’t convince yourself that someone who takes wacky bumps is a good worker, unless the guy’s name is Curt Hennig. And I’ve seen Curt Hennig. And Dolph is by no means ever going to be Curt Hennig.

Jericho vs. Fandango: What a fucking trainwreck. Jericho’s pecs are a pirate’s dream: a sunken chest. He tried, but there was nothing to try with and this all felt like a great worker trying to carry someone and the other guy failing but the good worker trying to drag him to something when the truth should have been everyone should have realized this would suck. Observer site said this was a good match. I always want their feed.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger: This was absolutely boring. Swagger is probably done after this and this match did nothing to show otherwise why that would be sad. A lot of people were upset that Ziggler didn’t cash in after this. I challenge every one of you: what magic moment has Ziggler had that convinced you he’s the future? I have several that convince me he isn’t, starting with the immature, unprofessional way he handled himself on the early NXT episodes, talking all over matches and burying guys. He overbumps, to the point that it doesn’t make his opponent look good, it makes you say, “What a good bump.” He’s been booked as a loser for an entire year, so him being booked as a winner makes no sense at this point. “He’s the best guy in the WWE and he’s overlooked,” says the smart inteligencia. That’s like being the best looking girl in a dog fuck video. It’s faint praise at best.

Undertaker vs. CM Punk: This will cause debate in the CTL inner circle, whatever the fuck that is, but man. For one match a year, Undertaker shows up and gets to do whatever he wants. You can debate Punk’s ability and attitude and horrible elbow drop all you want, but you have to come to the conclusion that in booking, he was never a threat to the streak at all. The nearfalls, therefore, did not matter. None of it did. It was a foregone conclusion and without drama, wrestling is just two dudes touching each other.

Brock vs. Triple H: Take twenty mintes out of this and make it a 5 minute total brawl and it might have been better. A guy who never wrestles beats a guy who fights for real at his own game. Neither will be around much after. Matches like these are what WrestleMania is all about. At least Brock screaming made us all happy.

They did the Hall of Fame. “Finally, Bruno is where he belongs,” I hear so many people say. Spoiler warning: Vince wasn’t keeping Bruno out of the hall. Bruno wasn’t in because of Bruno. Bruno is a great guy, well deserving of the accolades he receives. I’m not going to get emotional when it comes to him getting to be part of a fake Hall of Fame for a place that doesn’t exist. If you do that, you accept that Bruno selling out the Garden 187 times in on parallel with Koko B. Ware singing or James Dudley limo driving. I mean, I’m happy for everyone that they’re happy he’s in there, but it doesn’t make his career or cap it off. He was already more than fine without being part of the WWE story.

Cena vs. Rock: Again, Noah and Ryan disagree on Cena’s ability, but this was the only match on the show that engaged anyone’s emotions. The crowd was loud for most of it and while not the best worked match of all time, that doesn’t matter at all. All that matters is if people care. They did. They cared a lot more than any other match.

Look: I come off as if I don’t care. I do. I love pro wrestling. I love it with all my heart. But man, every year, we come off after Mania pretty depressed. I want to walk away from Mania remembering a magical moment. There was not a single one to remember on this show. Nothing you can take away, no story you can remember. The saddest moment is seeing Mick Foley’s career and Hall of Fame reduced to being the smallest player on the stage. That shows you what loving wrestling means in the long run.
-Sam

Elimination Chamber results

I watched it on a stream. So, you know, if you work for WWE and you’re reading this, look. You guys have bigger problems than me watching a stream.

I missed the Brodus/Tensai vs Rhodes Scholars match. I did see the horribly depressing commercial for the windup toys with Tensai saying that the writing on his face is probably a sushi menu. Meanwhile, his old tag partner is headlining New Japan PPVs.

Alberto beat Show. I know that much.

Antonio Cesaro vs. The Miz: I was just saying, “Hey, this is a pretty good match.” That’s when they went to the fuck finish. Hey, remember when Ric Flair was The Miz’s mentor? It’s like when Honkytonk Man was Mr. Ass’s mentor. Anyone remember that?

Elimination Chamber: I hate everything Randy Orton will ever do. If he saved a burning bus full of puppies and kittens at great personal risk, I would hate that, too. He ruins things. Mark Henry came back and people love him. They do. This match was that familiar, “These guys really can’t lose yet” paradox. Well, then don’t book them in matches where they have to lose. Jericho did some great things in this match and Jack Swagger won, so really all is right in the end of it. If I never see the draping DDT, I will never see it again.

Cena/Sheamus/Ryback vs. The Shield: Holy fucking fuck fuck did I love this match. This was what you want a six man to be. Who would have thought that the Shield, young guys, could be booked this strong? This is how you book heels. Just imagine if this match was the Invasion. Seriously, try to find this match.

Dolph vs. Kofi: I was making dinner during this match, full disclosure. What did I have? An Amy’s Pasta with broccoli and fake meat balls, some green beans and a banana. Healthy, huh? After the match Big E slammed Kofi and the crowd chanted “One more time.” The Observer was like, “I doubt they expected the crowd to do that.” Maybe the crowd watches NXT, because that’s what they chant every time he does that move.

Kaitlyn vs. Tamina: My dinner was lovely, thank you.

Rock vs. Punk: Let’s get something straight. For everyone that says, “The wrong guy won,” I have an answer. They already have your money. The only way to continue making money is to attract new fans. The Rock brings in an audience that does not normally watch wrestling. They already have your money. They need their money. This is the same fundamental marketing law that governs the majority of how you advertise.

Now, will Rock and Cena be any good? Who gives a fuck. It doesn’t really have to be to draw. Was Hogan vs. Andre any good? Nope. Did it draw? Yes. Was Hogan vs. Warrior anything other than surprisingly good? It drew. Get over it.

That Rock Bottom on the table, though. Ugh.

Also, this match has false finishes just to have false finishes. It got cute. It actually got annoying. If anything, this was the spot for Brad Maddox to come back and redeem himself.

On the stream I was watching, the guy broadcasting it cut to black and played Undertaker’s music. It was his edit of the way reality played itself out.

Also: anyone that said Punk is getting screwed now. The guy had the belt for a year. He got a pretty nice push. He doesn’t draw like Cena or the Rock. You have to just get that into your head.

He is sure as fuck not Bruno. I mean, I bet he knows what a podcast is.
-Sam

Royal Rumble report

Screen shot 2013-01-28 at 10.25.23 AM

Royal Rumble and Wrestlemania are the two PPVs that we always get.

So how was it?

Alberto del Rio vs. Big Show: We didn’t see the pre-match, because we were too busy watching Are You Serious? on YouTube. Del Rio wins when Big Show’s feet get duct taped to the ropes, which doesn’t allow him to get up. Lots of brawling all over the set, which looked like venetian blinds for some reason.

Team Hell No vs. Rhodes Scholars: A really nice tag finish and this match was fine. They did some comedy after with their numbers.

Screen shot 2013-01-28 at 10.25.36 AM

Rumble: The Rhodes brothers fighting was good. Kofi’s big Rumble spot was a disappointment. The best spot was either Team Hell No arguing over getting Bryan back in or Heath Sleater’s crazy elimination. Actually, all of 3MB took great bumps on the way out. Great bumps don’t keep you on the roster after Wrestlemania. Jericho was awesome in here, coming off a few months layoff to a surprising entrance and staying there the whole time. His new tattoos suck, but he is still awesome. The final three were pretty great and hey, you know, Cena is fighting Rock. Anyone who thought differently has not been watching the TV. Noah was happy.

Rock vs. Punk: Smart marks are sad. But hey, you know, this is the direction they are going in. Some mark wrote on Twitter: Punks been champ for 400+ days. Rock hasn’t wrestled 400+ days in 13 years. Guess what? Rock means more to the average person on the street – the people who cause Mania to have the highest buyrate – than anyone else. He could wrestle once every ten years and mean more than Punk working every day. Fair? Nope. Or maybe. Yeah. Who cares. Wrestling is all about making money. More people will buy Cena and Rock than Punk and Cena. It’s Wrestlemania. It should be special.

Also: Punk has never worked 400+ days. He didn’t defend that belt every single days. This isn’t the 70s, you fucking mark.

A great Mark, Madden, wrote: Bitch all u want. When that ‘Mania beats last year’s ‘Mania revenue, that’s all that matters. Money supersedes a mark’s opinion EVERY TIME.

Do I want to watch Mania now? Nope. But do I ever? Not usually.
-Sam