Deek, Noah and I started watching the CMLL Fantasticmania show last night and at some point, we got bored. We decided to look and see what was on WWE Network and we’re so happy we did.
Gentlemen and no ladies, may we present our review of WCW Greed.
This was the final WCW pay per view.
Sam: “You know when you guys talk about remember when wrestling was big and people cared and it was fun? Well, these are the kind of shows that killed it. You’re watching it die right now.”
Throughout the show, someone has a video camera and is recording Buff Bagwell. Funny note: My autocorrect fixes his name to be Buff Bagel.
Jason Jett vs. Kwee Wee
Jason Jett used to wrestle for ECW as EZ Money while also making indy costumes. Kwee Wee was Angry Allen Funk who also got his face funked up by Sonny Saki. Name from the past, huh? Let’s look up Wiki:
On September 27, 2003 at the Baltic Brawl event in Helsinki, Finland, Funk wrestled a tag team match with Mike Sanders against Elix Skipper and Sonny Siaki. During that match, Siaki botched a split-legged moonsault and landed on Funk’s face knee-first. Funk was badly injured, breaking his eardrum, nose and jaw, also cracking his orbital bone. He has had four surgeries to repair the damage and is still 100% deaf in his left ear, but he made an otherwise full recovery.
I would say being deaf is not a full recovery.
He was also Chi Chi in Masked Warriors.
Anyways. This fucking match. This. Fucking. Match.
Deek: “This is a gem.”
Imagine a match where they give opening match guys 18 minutes and one of them decides he’s getting in everything he ever saw on every indy tape. That is to say, this is an indy match that people paid $39.95 for. Jason Jett realizes he may never be on PPV again, so he takes every ill advised bump possible, including missed shoulders into the corner transformed into lances into nowhere. It’s fucking great and terrible in equal measure, the kind of match that I bet veterans in back were flipping the fuck out and screaming over. In essence, what is better than a great match? A horrible one that’s awesomely horrible. It’s what we call the Rule of Jake (Garrett).
Look, just watch this fucking nonsense for yourself.
Elix Skipper & Kid Romeo v. Billy Kidman & Rey Mysterio
Again. This fucking match! This is a hidden near 4 star match. I’m not being an asshole here. It actually has a story, there are some insane moves and the right guys go over. The young upstarts beat the vets clean in a match that the crowd actually enjoys.
Are you wondering why Rey needed all those knee surgeries? I point you to this match.
Sam: “I love how he keeps breaking holds and going to the wrong side of the ring.”
Noah: “Sam, to his defense, the guy is on PPV ten matches into his career and has no idea where the hard cam is.”
I gave this match all this praise and it starts with a fucking power bomb. I don’t care. It was 2001. We did shit like that then, I guess. Also, there is a ridiculous double stage dive by the faces and the finish is perfect and this is exactly what we wanted to watch.
Shawn Stasiak vs. Bam Bam Bigelow
At this point, they were trying to make Shawn into Rick Rude. He also had more than three nicknames, which you would think is confusing. He would go on to be fired from WWE for tape recording people in locker rooms and car rides. Bam Bam would go on to do tremendous amounts of drugs, as his eyes and red nose showed us that yes, he also may have done this match coked to the gills. I know I would need to coke to work this one.
Noah: “Alexandra York looks hot.”
Sam: “That’s Stacy Keibler.”
Noah: “You’re going to put that into the review, right?”
Note: Stacy Keibler is the only pro wrestler who can tell you exactly what George Clooney’s dick looks like. Also: her legs are taller than most men’s height.
This was…pure shit. Just pure shit. Bam Bam wore two color tights and a dress shirt. I think that about says it all.
Lance Storm & Mike Awesome v. Konnan & Hugh Morrus
One of these guys thinks he is the moral cop of wrestling. One of these guys is dead. One of these guys looks like your fat neighbor with Konnan’s head and tells Dave that Sombra isn’t that good. Another of these guys fucked up all sorts of people in NXT and for some reason still has a job. This match is exactly as boring and shitty as you think. I went and took a shit during it. Literally? Literally.
Chavo Guerrero Jr. v. Shane Helms
64X FF. We have the technology, thanks to Apple TV.
Sean O’Haire & Chuck Palumbo v. Lex Luger & Buff Bagwell
Look at this:
Sean: Dead/in jail
Chuck: Gay gimmick
Lex: Nearly in jail/killed Elizabeth/nearly died/found God
Buff: Escort (which means gay, get rid of your male power fantasies right now, dudes)
The match itself is why there is no WCW any longer. Also: at some point, Animal is backstage.
Kanyon v. The Cat
Kanyon is dead and gay. The Cat killed Randy the Ram. This match is all sorts of stupid, including women randomly getting involved with no disqualification and some dude named Smooth who shows up at the end and we all marked out for no reason. Smooth is, of course, Ice Train, who would soon team with The Cat to beat Kanyon and, of all people, Road Warrior Joe on Thunder. Yes, WCW should have stood for What the Fuck instead of Woman Crush Wednesday.
Rick Steiner v. Booker T
I’ll be honest. We only watched the finish, in which a disco belted fat Shane Douglas hit Rick with a cast. I can only hope this ended up setting up a match where Rick peed in Shane’s mouth and made him say, “Thank you” and “I love your piss, Sir.”
Dusty & Dustin Rhodes v. Ric Flair & Jeff Jarrett
Throughout the show, they keep updating us on how many burritos Dusty has eaten backstage. At times, 30. At other times, because fuck continuity, it’s 40. This leads us to…
RETURN OF THE EIGHTBALL!
Would you rather eat 40 burritos or 298 pancakes?
DEEK: “I think you could get a different variety and enjoy 40 different burritos, but pancakes are just pancakes.”
SAM: “After awhile, every the syrup would suck.”
This should lead to a spot where Dusty shits himself. As it is, he has gas, so this keeps him from the match, making Dustin take the heat. Instead of Dusty throwing some heat into the toilet. Anyways, Ric Flair wrestles in chinos and a Hawaiian shirt, which is what I want a WWE $25 deluxe figure of right now.
Dusty gives the stink face full of burritos. 30. Or 40. 3 stars. Or 4.
Scott Steiner vs. DDP
We pulled an Andy and shut it off.
-Sam, Deek and Noah
PS – Kris sent this: