Category Archives: PPV

Summer Slam notes

Jon Stewart started this all off. And out came Mick Foley. In any other room of wrestling fans, dudes would be losing their shit. In our house, no one gave a shit. No one gave a fuck.

Sheamus vs. Randy Orton
You know when you have to grind and level up a character in a game and keep fighting the same boring guys over and over again? That was this match. Randy Orton is technically proficient and a great worker. He also hasn’t changed in ten years and is on the other side of the Cena paradigm. Cena has at least added new moves and tried to work with and grow new people. Orton took pills strong enough to shut off Great Khali’s legs (true story). Sheamus looks like a fucking moron. Orton still punches the mat and goes to that rapey place. Two dudes, lost in a sea of a rapidly changing world that refuses to change. Sheamus won with two kicks, clean jizzle.

Every tag team ever vs. the rest of the tag teams
For a match that no one should give a shit about, this was nearly everyone’s match of the night. My wife (read that as “mah wahf”) likes New Day because they dress like Destiny’s Child before they were super big. Their dancing at the end and Big E’s ill-advised fall through the ropes and the chance that everyone could die at any moment made this much more entertaining than anything else on the show. Or just about.

Rusev vs. Ziggler
Let me say it right now: I do not give a fuck about Dolph. He oversells, he can’t cut a believable promo and he dresses like the worst parts of the 80s. He’s a cipher, someone I can’t believe in no matter how many times people tell me he’s a great wrestler. Maybe I’m just jealous that he fucked Amy Schumer. No, I’m solid on this. I don’t think much of him. Rusev is now just another dude. And if this was ECW, those girls would have had breasts falling out and whatnot. This whole storyline is a waste and a double count out is an even bigger waste. Fuck this match.

Stephen Amell/Neville vs. Stardust/King Barrett
My dog took a shit during this match. It was black and shiny and almost like a rock. They showed me the finish and it was fine. But my dog shitting was beating this whole show.

Ryback vs. Big Show vs. The Miz
I went and got Mad Mex during this match. It was poor, at best. The order was wrong. Somewhere in here, Ryback won. I wish I could care about this more. I’m sorry, internet people.

Wyatt/Harper vs. Ambrose/Reigns
And another match that you couldn’t pay me to watch. The Shield meant a lot once. But now? Wyatt meant a lot at one time, too. Now?

Cena vs. Rollins
Holy shit, the finish. Jon Stewart was all like, “You fuckers want me to run a debate? I’m gonna shit on my legacy as America’s smartest liberal by doing the professional wrestling business!” And he did. He fucking did. He totally needs to bleed a fucking gusher tonight and cut a fiery promo promising blood in return. Don’t take one eye. Rollins doing the dead lift, Cena doing the stupid ass stunner that will be impossible to do in WWE2K16, all that.

Many ladies wrestle
This whole Divas revolution shit…they should have just reaired the match from NXT. But no, we had this and it was, well, it was what it was.

Owens vs. Cesaro
Noah is the face of the true fan. Never seeing Owens before, he said, “Nice look. Did he go to K-Mart for those shorts?” And that was that. It was a fine match that seemed to go on forever and Owens had to win and at one point Cesaro won that Andre Battle Royale and look at today. Wrestling has passed me by because I had no idea why Cesaro wears headphones to the ring. T-shirt vs. abs? T-shirts fucking win. Fat fuck senton for life.

Undertaker vs. Bork Lazer
The biggest dude with no ears nor neck vs. the oldest dead man ever in a worked MMA contest with a fuck finish after four hours of promising it will all be over soon. Seven suplexes, three F5s, Undertaker passing out backstage, Lesnar pissing blood numerous times, middle fingers and then…fuck. FUCK. SummerFest, night of the fuck finishes and British Bulldog is going to win whether he wants to or not.

The best part was them laughing at each other like assholes. It was way better than Mania, but this time, Undertaker didn’t get knocked out a few second into it.

And there you have it.

Royal Rumble

First off, hello everyone out there that checks this site every once in awhile hoping that someone writes something. That some time is now.

I’ve seen a lot of people upset about the Royal Rumble. Keep in mind, Vince’s DNA is made of the fact that his father already had Superstar Billy Graham’s loss to Bob Backlund programmed before Superstar even won the belt. The McMahons make a decision, stick with it and say, “fuck you” every time you second guess it. I think if the internet and Twitter had been around in 1984, people would have hated Corporal Kirschner and been vocal about it. Oh, they did and they were? But seriously, this is what they want to present and if you don’t like it, stop buying their dolls and video games and $9.99 a month. It’s the only way they’ll ever get the message.

A lot of people are upset about Dan Bryan going out so soon. Look, Vince McMahon only gets an erection these days based on the collective tears of fat kids, so keep on crying, he’s nearly finished.

Always keep in mind: this is the company that had a Guerrero dress up as a chicken, set up a Steamboat vs. Savage rematch in the Wrestlemania 4 tourney and put Greg Valentine over Steamboat and squashed the Radicals their first week in. Also: the entire Invasion angle. If you’re just hip to the “WWE doesn’t listen to their fans,” that’s like an abusive wife just realizing that her husband has only been hitting her for a few weeks, not a few years. They’ve never listened to their fans, except a few times, and they’ll never forget all the times they did listen to you, WWE Universe.

Other than that, Mr. Lincoln, how did you like getting murdered?

There was a New Day vs. Adam Rose, Tyson Kidd and Cesaro opener that everyone kind of watched. Remember when Cesaro won that Andre trophy? Well, there’s a figure coming out with it if you do care to remember. This match was 6 guys who won’t be here for long and a chance for indy guys to talk about that time they worked for New York, albeit as a Rosebud. During this match I said, “I bet the Rosebuds catch Adam Rose and drop him and catch Kofi instead.” I was pretty much half right. Which more right than I am most of the time.

The Rumble is all about betting, y’all. This year, prop bets galore. This match was 7-3 Cesaro’s team, so everyone did alright.

New Age Outlaws vs. Ascension was a match I missed as I typed up brackets. Why they did that angle Monday where they buried these guys when they were going up here makes me wonder what I always do: Who was the heel? Who was the face? Who the fuck cares? 8-2 Ascension here. Note: When you do a devil/evil gimmick and I don’t give a fuck about you, you’re doing something wrong. Bring back the New Church. Oh, wait, that was TNA. Note: I finally watched the new TNA. Spoiler: TNA is what drove me away from this site. Their new TV? Even worse, if that’s a thing.

Usos vs. Mizdow: We had it 7-3 Usos and this match was pretty much a squash. My wife loves the Miz, as she loves MTV reality shows, and she hates the Mizdow gimmick. I said, “Wrestling fans like it,” to which she just stares at me in the way that silently says, “Sam, wrestling fans are fucking stupid.” She is right.

Bellas vs. Paige/Natalya: They didn’t even get a story started. They just ended. 8-2 Bellas. I asked Noah, “Who do you want to win?” Noah said, “When you bet on the Rumble, always go with your heart.” One of the Bellas fucks John Cena and wears Nikes. So yeah. You know where Noah’s heart was.

Brock Lesnar vs. Seth Rollins vs. John Cena: This match was awesome. One of our friends was there live while we watched her dog, who wears a diaper so he looks like Dennis the Menace’s dog cosplaying as Yokozuna. She said that live, everyone thought Lesnar was really hurt, which took away from the enjoyment of the match. My personal enjoyment was seeing Lesnar play sleeping Misawa, then come in and legit rape Seth Rollins with a german suplex. This felt like a WWE2K15 match, where I’m controlling Lesnar, Ryan is Seth and Noah is Cena and has no idea who Seth Rollins is. I fell asleep after the table spot, but then came in and used all my specials and everyone ended up mad that I won. Except we weren’t and the right guy won for Mania. Not to be a mark, but it’d be hilarious if the Mania main event was a one way squash like that Cena match that should have meant something and didn’t and that’s where all this felt like it went off the rails. At some point, someone is going to post a picture of Seth Rollins and say, “Indy wrestling matters.” Well, Brian won $45 on the prop bets, which is a bigger payoff that most indy guys will make from now until March, so fuck you.

Rumble, my favorite match of the year. The match that has shown me the highs (Demolition fighting, the entire Rumble Flair won, random dudes dying on eliminations) and the lows (everything else plus Drew Carrey). Everyone was off on the first guy, figuring Ziggler would be in it for the entire show, overselling for everyone and generally being fake as fuck, but they were wrong. He came in at #30 and oversold for everyone and was generally fake as fuck.

I asked everyone who would have the magic number. Everyone answered with a number, not understanding that #27 is the magic number. I drew said magic number in our pool. I got Wade Barrett. WWE has obviously given up on the magic number.

Rusev threw out the most people, as he should. He also disappeared at the end and everyone was like, Rusev is the great Russian hope to beat up that Samoan guy we all decided that we hate. Guess what, I hated him in NXT before he was even Roman Reigns, which makes me the fattest, stupidest mark of them all! That said – nope. Rusev got tossed right onto the post show, where he got in a fight with John Cena and asked him if he could have the honor of putting him over on the biggest stage of them all, the Tokyo Dome…err, WrestleMania.

DDP came back. Bubba Ray came back. Yes, a year of TNA where he got one over on Hogan, ran Aces and Eights, came back as a face and here we are, he’s back all covered up and wearing glasses while 1100 mutants who once huddled for warmth in a shitty building all chanted their hearts out. Wrestling matters. Sure it does. Anyways, I like Bubba or Bully or whatever. I enjoyed his little comeback and that is that.

Bray Wyatt tossed a bunch of people. I was kind of hoping his dad would come out when he did the open challenge, but you know. The whole Wyatt Family reunion was sloppy. But he was in awhile and was unceremoniously dumped.

Dan Bryan. You can take the indy out of…actually you can’t. The dude still got a dive in during a battle royal. That’s like doing a submission in a battle royal. Or a giant swing. Yeah, that happened too.

Anyways, Adam had Roman, so he won a lot of money. More than we can legally list without Mike Rotundo getting his giant schnozz into out business.

Did the right guy win? Who can say. The internet has all gotten together and decided that they love Betty White, hate Roman Reigns and enjoy masturbation. They’re not changing their minds. They want Dan Bryan on top. Vince doesn’t, as he has proven for the last year or two.

Noah actually had Dan Bryan’s number and thought, for a moment, that he might win. When he was thrown out, he said, “Now I know how the rest of internet fans have felt.”
-Sam

Summerslam Results

During the show, Andy was running our Twitter feed. I’d like to apologize to anyone who read it and tried to divine some measure of sense. Particularly this:

Screen Shot 2014-08-19 at 11.51.34 AM

Come the fuck on, Andy. You’ve had Totinos.

Anyways: Who the fuck did Cesaro piss off? And who did RVD make happy? That said – good match, if you like matches based around doing the same spot multiple times. Cesaro at Mania > Cesaro at Summer Slam. So there you go.

Dolph Ziggler beat the Miz, which does not matter at all.

The rest of us played WWE2K14 all day, which meant we heard the same commentary over and over. Of course, that led to this:

Screen Shot 2014-08-19 at 11.54.00 AM

You know that no matter what system that game is on, there’s still going to be fuck ups like that. It’s like Madden. I completely expect the Instant Replay to never show the right plays and for fuck calls to happen when you get up by 2. Not that I ever do.

Bray Wyatt’s entrance was fucking awesome. Ryan was showing us Mick Foley’s daughter throughout this, who pretty much grew up without a dad, so, you know that seems like a good bet. Anyways, this match was better than it started and by the end was pretty good. Also, at this point, ham barbecue.

Rusev beat Swagger, but I was walking Angelo, so we missed the finish. I am sorry my dog poops, wrestling blog readers.

Paige beat AJ Lee in a match where no one could figure out who the face or heel was. That said, it was a girl who looks like a skinny, gawker Sarah Silverman versus a pale, curvy British girl and they crawled all over one another and tore out each other’s hair extensions, so 18 stars.

Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose channeled the UWF Snuka vs. Cactus Jack lumberjack match, and by that, I mean that they forgot what a lumberjack was about and stayed out of the ring. #wallofflesh. That said, this match was fucking awesome. Like, super super awesome. It had all sorts of non subtle and subtle things and we were all quite pleased with it. And ate more ham barbecue. And fed some to the dog. It was a good night.

If you didn’t see the Bella Sisters feuding out of the Stephanie match, then you don’t watch wrestling. All women are horrible people who will fuck you over because that’s what women do. And because wrestling.

It was all capped off by John Cena basically being raped in front of a live crowd. Give it to Cena – no ego and he took an ass beating and did more than you’d expect a guy losing to do.

Summerslam was pretty fucking good. I have to admit it.
-Sam

Just here and there…

* So with Big Jer out of commission for a bit, there are lines in vegas on who will be replacing him. The big two beign discussed aer JR, who apparently has been seen in Bastahn, and JBL, who is suppsoed to be trainng to climb Kilamanjaro for charity. A third report, coming straight from the desk of Nmoah, says that Mongo will be the second voice on commentarry for the NoC.

* New Jack got his Twitter account suspended for calling Jerry Lawler a racist & making a comment about wanting to piss on Lawler’s grave once he dies. While I disagree with New Jack’s comments, I fully support his right to have them heard. If he wants to send us a manifesto on it, we will be happy to publish it here. WordPress aren’t nearly the jack-booted thugs that Twitter appear to be. And sure, while this appears to be an ever-vigilent first ammendemnt defender, it is really a plea to get New Jack to give us some hit bait.

* Cena will be wearing pink tonight. Feel free to send all slurs and derisions to noah@countingthelights.com

* ROH had another iPPV meltodown last night. I wish I had a joke here. They have a locker room that is fantastic and a great booker. They have a legend serving as a figurehead. The problem is they need to hire some technologists and they need to do it quick. It’s either that or eat crow with gofightlive. The damage may be irreversible at this point. I would imagine there is a meeting on Monday and some “hire and fire” type decisions are made. If you want to be viewed as a national company, you can’t keep making errors like this.

Anyone watching NoC tonight?

-Ryan

SummerSlam review

SANTINO MARELLA VS. ANTONIO CESARO
Look – the Pirates went 19 innings. Between that and Botchamania, we had no time for pre-show matches. We saw the clips later and Noah asked, “Was that the same title that Lex Luger once brought to greatness?” Yes, it was (and no, Lex did not). The meaning is there, you know? No, they don’t know.

CHRIS JERICHO VS. DOLPH ZIGGLER
This was a strong opener. Of course, the guy leaving went over. Maybe he can lose like Flair on Raw, Loser Leaves Town. This would all lead you to believe that Ziggler would cash in his briefcase later. Again, you would be wrong.

THE MIZ VS. REY MYSTERIO
This was OK until the awesome last minute or so. And then, just when everyone was enjoying it, Miz won. So there was that. Noah enjoy the match because Rey wore a Batman outfit, even though he hated the last Batman movie (“I didn’t hate it. I just said it was boring and the fights sucked. Sam. Sam. Sam. Are you sleeping?” – Noah).

SHEAMUS VS. ALBERTO DEL RIO
Sheamus was on one page. Alberto? The other. Neither the twain should meet.

KOFI KINGSTON & R-TRUTH VS. TITUS O’NEIL & DARREN YOUNG
The longer the match went on, the more Noah liked Titus O’Neil. Look out, WWE 13 roster.

C.M. PUNK VS. BIG SHOW VS. JOHN CENA
The finish started good with the double tap. You’d think that would eliminate Big Show and we’d get a hard fought contest between Punk and Cena. Nope. You’d be wrong. You forgot how every single three way match in the fed has to end: someone has to steal the pin.

Maria Menounous had on a Bob Backlund shirt, sitting next to her boyfriend, who is awesome when he is on Stern because he realizes just how lucky he is. Also: David Arquette had the WCW title. We watched Ready to Rumble throughout the day, ending with Noah not allowing me to watch the ending until tonight. Seriously: this is the worst cliffhanger ever.

BROCK LESNAR VS. HHH
What an awesome match. Petunia himself said it was the best match he’d seen in years and reminded him of the wrestling he grew up on. Brock Lesnar wrestled like the best heel ever. The end, with Triple H being all sad and shit, kind of ruined the goodwill he built up in this match. But you know. What can you do?

Of note: This PPV was Ryan’s birthday party. We got two cakes in the fridge. We even got a Dan Bryan figure for one of them. Oh well.

Chris Wood did make the amazing pulled pork. I’ve said it time and time again: nobody pulls pork like Chris Wood.
-Sam

Money in the bank, cash spent on titties…

An impromptu CTL gathering was held at a Hooter’s to watch Money in the Bank. Chris Wood had been trying to get me to go all day. I had the migraine of all migraines – who no sells Balls Mahoney chairshots…this guy, no shit – so I was feeling like staying home and being a bitch. Well, I got some gumption, huffed some Vicks and drove into the blinding sun to join Jake, Troy Lords, Chris Wood and a guy who lives in Glenny Lane to watch the PPV.

First off: I had to take a picture with some marks. Yes. It made me feel like a star, all wearing glasses, having a migraine yet sporting a fucking awesome Immortal standing in the ice shirt. You should go listen to lots of Immortal while you read this review. Fuck that. Watch this video, it’s ridiculous.

WORLD TITLE MONEY IN THE BANK MATCH:DOLPH ZIGGLER, DAMIEN SANDOW, SIN CARA, CHRISTIAN, CODY RHODES, TENSAI, TYSON KIDD AND SANTINO MARELLA

Holy shit, this match. It was like they told everyone on the way out, “Die or get fired.” Sin Cara and Dolph, in particular, took this to heart. Tensai was like, fuck everyone. He threw Zig far as fuck over a table so that he landed upside down on a chair. People in Hooter’s were legit losing their minds over this match, our table included.

Andy texted me and said that it was the worst Money in the Bank ever. I think our time on this web site has proved that no matter what the consensus is, Andy must not be on the same side. This match wore everyone out. Man. Santino being afraid of heights. Christian doing cool shit. Ziggler wanted to be like his hero, Mr. Perfect, and die. It was all that. I could have just left after this match, spent and satisfied. But no. I soldiered on.

The Miz is back and just added himself to the Money in the Bank main event. How did he get this power? Is this TNA? Where is Vince Russo? Why did some people pop for the Miz?

SHEAMUS VS. ALBERTO DEL RIO FOR THE WORLD TITLE

Alberto did a clean job, but everyone started chanting for Ziggler like it was a bar that Scotty Metro was bartending. By the way…if you wonder what two studs like Scotty and Sam do on a Saturday night, well, we’re pretty much like Hakkan Serbes and Nacho Vidal double teaming Daniella Rush in Face Dance. By that, I mean, we have entire conversations like this:

Everyone forgot something. Ziggler is basically a babyface who must do jobs and go against the odds. He’s the heel, of course, but no one knows how to book any more.

TITUS O’NEAL & DARREN YOUNG VS. PRIMO & EPICO

No one cared about this match, which followed traditional Southern booking: black people can only team or feud, never be integrated.

The one pop the entire match was when they threw water at Abraham Washington and R Truth held back Little Jimmy. That was all.

C.M. PUNK VS. DANIEL BRYAN
It was amazing, if Hooter’s is a microcosm, that this match did not get over at all except with 2 tables of marks, including one that kept running around the entire restaurant chanting YES! YES! YES! Obviously, someone kept asking, “Are you a virgin?” Easy joke. Fat fuck.

This was a good match but would have been better ten minutes shorter. Some nice weapons stuff and it went to a good finish. No real complaints. I will say that the entire restaurant was more packed than it has been for a PPV in years, so I was shocked how dead everyone was for this match.

RYBACK VS. CURT HAWKINS & TYLER REKS

I think that Ryback should be an evil marching band guy, explaining that’s why he walks like that. He can be managed by Archibald Peck, who is the evil drum major, and they finally turn against a world that maligns them as band geeks. Fuck, have a flag girl and several other people. See? I make angles.

Oh, the match? Yeah. No one – ever – wants to see monsters sell. Make it fast.

LAYLA & KAITLYN & TAMINA SNUKA VS. BETH PHOENIX & NATALYA & EVE TORRES
Kris texted me to let me know that Tamina has really long arms.

JOHN CENA VS. BIG SHOW VS. THE MIZ VS. KANE VS. CHRIS JERICHO MONEY IN THE BANK MATCH
This was fine, except that the Big Show ladder was awesome. I also yelled FUCK PSYCHOLOGY really loud at one point. But fuck it. It delivered and most of the matches were good. I also copy/pasted the match write-ups from the Observer site, in case you give a shit, because I didn’t want to type up every single person in every single match. Sorry about being lazy.

Hey fan – you can come to a CTL party someday. You might get to see Jake shuck oysters!

That bucket there? THAT WAS THE HALF ORDER.

Plus, those brothers? They didn’t pop for jack shit. But they watched that shit and intimidated lots of smart marks. I’m so glad they were there.

Also: Hooter’s automatically adds a top on for PPVs. I guess wrestling people suck and don’t tip. Noah taught me: always tip good.

Hooter’s should learn one thing, though. Follow the rules of strip clubs. Never, ever turn up the lights. Good Lord, what hath woman wrought? Keep the soft lighting on the ladies, please.
-Sam

Wrestlemania!!!

We got together at 2 PM. By 4 PM, several of us were in the kind of shape you need to be in to experience the granddaddy of them all. We started the day with some 1990s AAA (and learned that Rey Mysterio Jr. used to come out to “Respect” by Erasure, which blew my mind) and some Botchamania.

Seriously – the Wrestlemania Botchamanias are Maffew’s finest work. Check this one out, it made people nearly weep in happiness:

There was a lot of betting. A lot. That’s how you make PPVs more exciting. So let’s get right to it, why don’t we?

WWE tag title match: The Usos vs. “Faggot Werewolf” Justin Gabriel/”Gone By May” (I wanted to make the Fugee’s joke, “Gone ‘Til November,” but come on) Tyson Kidd vs. The Colons

Let’s be honest. We didn’t even know when this match was on. Everyone but Noah, Sam and the Blue Dragon picked the Colons. To be more honest, Jeff said, “Give me the the Puerto Ricans.” We assume he meant the Colons and was not thinking that Los Boricuas were doing a run-in.

We bet on whether they’d do America the Beautiful or Star Spangled Banner. Nearly everyone picked America. Only Wood and Ryan guessed that Lillian Garcia would sing it.

Throughout, I will share Tweets from the evening:
@countinglights Right now, Wood and Ryan are in the lead with 3 correct bets: The Colons won, America the Beautiful and Lillian Garcia sang it.

WWE title: Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan

Remember: Wrestlemania is not for the smart fans. If you can accept this, you will enjoy the show. If you don’t, you will hate the show.

@countinglights Brian and Noah have already argued. WrestleMania is not for the smart fans. #pouting

@countinglights Wood and Ryan are tied with 4 points as Sheamus wins in around 2 seconds. #theghostofsdjones

We bet on match order. Keep that in mind.

@countinglights Everyone missed the match order question, as WrestleMania starts with Dan Bryan vs. Sheamus.

@countinglights Noah: “It’s not Sheamus’ fault that Dan Byan wasn’t looking at the hard cam for the Brogue Kick.”

TO THE BACK. Team Johnny had gathered.

@countinglights Sam: One Bella is on one team. One is on the other. Noah: THAT’S NOT FAIR.

@countinglights Noah: Is Jack Swagger a bobblehead? Look who it is! Ryan: David Otunga? Noah: The Otunga Kid! Ryan: I will not call him that.

Randy Orton vs. Kane

The Rapex Predator lost clean in the middle from a top rope chokeslam. I would make the Eleanor Rigby joke here, but it’s too good for this match. For those keeping score, yes, Randy did go to that rapey place where only he can hear the voices. Noah said vintage 298 times during this match.

TO THE BACK. The Deadliest Catch guy was with Mick Foley.

@countinglights Are you really a celebrity when Jake is the only guy in the world who knows who you are? #deadliestcatch

IC TITLE: Cody Rhodes vs. Big Show

This was, well, what it was. Big Show won with the biggest nut shot ever. A totally penis destroying shot that made Cody’s godfather Magnum TA say, “That’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen.” And that dude saw a telephone pole come at his face at 96 MPH. He also came on a man like no man has ever came on a man before.

Speaking of men…

Beth and Eve vs. Maria and Kelly Kelly

Maria was a pro here, working with hurt ribs. She should have come out all taped like Bruno in the 1970s. It was what it was. Which is: a chance for Ryan and Noah to argue over Beth’s hotness or lack of.

@countinglights What do Metallica and WWE have in common? Everyone great is already dead.

Shawn came out to do a promo, one eye all eye gooked and the other, well, his sideburns looked like shit. At least he didn’t wear short shorts to ref.

Undertaker vs. Triple H

Dave Meltzer called this: Absolutely super match going 30:00 plus.

Many of us did not feel that way.

It was alright. I mean, if you go all year and have one match, your one match better be fucking awesome. Also: these guys get all the gimmicks, can hardway and do whatever they want. So they better get 6 stars, not 5.

The story of the match was Shawn and the sledgehammer. I played some Peter Gabriel, comically around a minute off, which added a star to this match. Shawn hit a superkick on Taker, cried, and this was never really discussed.

Mirror friend, mirror foe/dark Community universe Jim Ross called this match, good gawd ahmighty.

All the HOF guys came out and everyone hugged and talked amongst one another. Except Mil Mascaras, who was Mil and stood by himself. Awesome. I wish he would have old man crossbodied someone.

Flo Rida punked out the one man rock band.

@countingthelights Noah: Oh, they say Flo-Ride like Florida. #ohigetitvachyna #howardsaysturnitup

It’s time for…

Team Johnny vs. Team Teddy

@countinglights One would think Johnny Ace should be the flagbearer for his team.

Dirk Ziggler took a 450 monkey flip. Eve screwed everything up and Zack Ryder got pinned by the Miz. This match was better than it should have been and Kofi did not kill anyone. After the match, Eve punted Zakk’s balls as if she were in a femdom video.

WWE TITLE: CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho

Everyone you would expect to like this liked it. Those that you would expect to hate it cleaned their kitchen up during it. Punk won clean in the middle and that was that.

Wow. This Wrestlemania, up until now, is not very good.

John Cena vs. The Rock

Why would John Cena lose this match? That’s a really good question. Well, he did and people were happy live. Rock looked tired, almost to the point we thought he would puke (much like the real main event that aired right after the PPV). I’m certain that when we read about this show in Figure 4 and the Observer, dudes are going to be throwing snowflakes all over the place.

The truth is: we were pretty bored. And most of the posts I read on Facebook hated this show.

As for the betting, here’s how it finished:
Noah: 9
Sam: 7
Lee: 12
Doug: 8
Jeff: 10
Ryan: 11
Mike: 11

Lee wins the $35 pot. The match order question screwed nearly everyone up.

We didn’t hate it, but…it was $75. That said: the Manwich Noah made? Exquisite like knife torture. Desiree brought John Cena Fruity Pebbles cupcakes. And Chris Wood smoked some meat…pause. We had eggs. We had potatoes. We though we were rich.
-Sam

Elimination Chamber

We were going to record a podcast about the show, but look…it was painful enough thinking about this show once. Only Sam had the gumption to revisit it.

If you were looking last night, we were tweet crazy during the show. You can read our tweets and follow us at http://twitter.com/#!/countinglights

Raw chamber
The main event, pretty much, was up first. And what happened was absolutely nothing. They were already shaving time by the first few guys in. Then, Punk did his Randy Savage elbow, which is only called that for the first part of the move. Nobody has ever done a worse flying elbow, so he would not be part of the eightball elbow debate. Jericho came in and beat Ziggler, who took an awesome bump for the Codebreaker and Kofi, who tapped to the Walls of Jericho. Then, for some reason, Jericho did an injury angle that lasted the whole show for a bump that didn’t look scary at all. Pay $60 to tune in to Raw tomorrow night. If they still had a 900 line, they would have pushed that all night. Except Jericho is a heel (well, maybe, who can tell) and we shouldn’t care. Back in the ring, Miz was trying to be a hard ass, but it came off as pissy and like someone who doesn’t understand that the big part of getting heat on someone is giving them time to sell and register your offense. The crowd didn’t buy it, Punk came back, champ retains.

Throughout the show, Santino did Rocky spots.

Beth Phoenix vs. Tamina Snuka
They built the Superfly Splash well. And then, Beth kicked out at 2. Remember when people would save a finish by getting their foot on the ropes? Yeah.

There was a John Laurinaitis angle here where Christian and Del Rio came back. Again…this is a very expensive Raw.

Smackdown chamber
This was the exact opposite of the Raw chamber match. Big Show took out Khali early, then got pinned by Cody Rhodes…who got pinned right away by Santino, so it wasn’t like he was getting a push out of this. Santino also pinned Wade and lasted awhile against Daniel Bryan before tapping to the Labelle Lock. They did an interesting spot where Big Show broke into Bryan’s chamber pod and basically prison fucked him. Also, at one point, Dan Bryan got powerbombed into the chamber and that looked like it sucked for all involved. Dudes had erections for bumping into the metal tonight.

After the match Sheamus came out and bumped Dan Bryan, because that’s what faces do, come out and take advantage of guys who just wrestled in what is one of the most dangerous matches in the business.

Backstage, Hornswoggle ate cheese and Natalya farted. It’s bad enough his dad used to roofie his mom’s orange juice to fuck her in the ass while she was passed out. Allegedly. I guess the great way Bret and the Hart family were being treated is over – at least until the next DVD set. They ended up making Jack Swagger vs. Justin Gabriel, a match that might have fucked with the betting. It did not.

John Cena vs. Kane
For all the involvement of Eve and Zack Ryder in this angle, they didn’t show up here. This was an alright match. A bit – well, totally – long. I love when I see wrestlers post about finishes online. Some of them were mad that Kane lost. Umm…Mania is next. Kane had to lose. How long have you been in the business? Let me say this in my Les Thatcher voice: It’s about making money, gentlemen.

We saved the PPV with a replay of the Chandler Biggins match and the Tony Atlas Kayfabe COmmentaries shoot, which might be all we talk about for the rest of Counting the Lights. It was…well, plan on hearing lots about it.
-Sam

Royal Rumble review

What makes a PPV party even better? Drugs? Betting? Bloody Marys? Well, yes, all these things. But also when someone makes cupcakes with our logo on them, it gets awesome. The lovely Desiree Gonzales made these awesome CTL chocolate peanut butter cupcakes. She has a whole web site about making cupcakes and cookies, which as a guy reading a wrestling site, you might not be thinking would interest you. You’d be wrong. It’s an awesome site. And Sam even drew the banner for it. Check it out at: slackercakes.wordpress.com

Anyways. Royal Rumble. The PPV you can’t fuck up. Yeah, you’d think.

We had a full house and most importantly, money was on the line. It was $5 a number, with the first person tossed getting their money back. That meant $145 was on the line, an all-time record.

Here’s who everyone got:

And when it was all said and done, the jobbiest, crappiest Rumble ever ended up as the best one for…

Sam Panico of West Mifflin, PA was the big winner!

Also, please note: Noah’s lens is not dirty. It really was that smoky in the room.

This year’s Rumble was all about star power. No, not the actual one. The people betting. Jason Gory, Chest Flexor, Michael Façade, Troy Lords, Chris Maverick…all the local indy stars came out to lose money. And lose money they did!

Also, there was prop sheet betting, with $5 getting you into the betting pool. We’ll go over them as we review the matches:

Daniel Bryan vs. Mark Henry vs. Big Show
Everyone but Lee picked Daniel Bryan, as Lee picked Big Show. Well, he was big wrong. This match was…fuck, the world title was the curtain jerker. That should have set the tone for the PPV.

Beth’s team vs. Kelly Kelly’s team
Only Sam and Lee took the heels to go over here. This match was mainly a chance for Noah and Ryan to make gay jokes at one another, many of which were captured on our Twitter feed.

Drew McIntyre vs. Brodus Clay
The same people saying, “Drew deserves better,” were the same people burying him a year ago. No one is ever happy. Well, at least this was short. Brodus was picked across the board.

CM Punk vs. Dirk Ziggler
Lee, Deek, Howard and Ryan picked Punk to win, obviously saying “fuck logical booking.” And they were right. Months of the Johnny Ace angle paid off with absolutely nothing. Congratulations! We just paid $59.99 in HD to tune in to Raw for free the next day!

John Cena vs. Kane
Guess who won here? Nobody. The match ended in a countout. Also, we should add a prop bet over/under on commercials we are forced to watch. Some of the video packages were longer than the matches. And better, sometimes.

The Rumble itself
the announcers getting in spot was cute, if this had 40 people. With the main event of WrestleMania already decided, this entire affair had the smell of no one caring. But we did. We had bets.

Who will be #30?
No one got this right, as most guessed Orton, Jericho or Triple H. The Big Show was the correct answer.

Who will be the magic number, #27?
That number is no longer magic, as David Otunga got it and got thrown out.

Who will be the first person eliminated?
Lee was right on, picking Alex Riley.

Who will last the shortest?
Nearly everyone picked Santino. It was not him. It was Primo.

Who lasts the longest?
Miz was the winner, as was Jake, Wood, Sam, Howard and Mav.

What legend will return?
Jake, Wood, Noah, Howard and Deek picked Hacksaw and they were right. Sam said Batista, hoping for the machine guns on the ramp. Others said Road Warrior Joe.

Who will have the most eliminations?
Everyone was off here, with Cody Rhodes and Big Show tied at 4.

Will Howard Finkle show up?
Sam, Howard and Ryan said no and their negativity paid off.

Will Cody Rhodes and Golddust do a spot together?
Sam was the only person who said no. Nothing new was built out of the Rumble, to be honest. And Jericho’s world changer was him getting knocked out of the ring by Sheamus.

Overall most impressive?
We gave it to Kofi for his handstand walk, which was totally awesome. No one won for this.

Who will win the Rumble?
Orton and Jericho were the most answered, but no one guessed Sheamus.

Chris Wood won $5 back when Alex Riley was tossed first. But the prop bet winners?

It was a tie between Howard and Sam. That’s right. Sam won $165. But everyone was a winner, as Noah cooked over 6 pounds of Manwich, made Bloody Marys with the new Southern Comfort Pepper and Tito’s Handmade Vodka (not both at the same time, we’re not fucking animals) and we watched Ra Ka King (which sucked), Botchamania (which did not suck) and an AIW show which defied belief. You’re gonna have to check out the podcast we post later for that, but suffice to say we wish we were recording everyone’s reactions, because people loved this match so much, they had stigmata on their hands.

But as for Rumble? A complete let-down and it starts what the kids called WrestleMania season off with the taste of poop in our gullets. We should be used to that kind of disappointment by now, being wrestling fans, right?
-Sam