Counting The Lights

I feel invincible, so either I am Iron Man or it is Superstars time again. The show kicks off with the WWE’s cutest couple: Kozlov and Santino. I dig both, so this should be fun. Regal comes out next and his partner is… PRIMO! Fuck yes! Primo, the heel tag partner of choice, should benefit from Regal’s awesomeness. An Italian, a Russian, a Brit, and a Puerto Rican walk into a bar. Regal and Santino to start, with Regal wrenching Santino’s arm and Santino countering with rolls and flips. Primo is in and he continues to work the arm. Santino struggles like a bargain bin Johnny Saint and gets the tag. Kozlov starts mauling Primo and drapes him into the corner. Vladimir hits a headbutt to the ribs and carries Primo around. Primo escapes, attacks the leg, and in comes Regal. Regal brings the violence, driving the knees into the midsection. Santino comes in and hulks up. Regal eats a Cobra and goes outside. Commercial Break Boogaloo!

Quiznos has kittens on their commercials! Yes!

Primo is in complete control when we return, but Santino uses the power of the armdrag! Sadly, his Nagata Elbow Drop misses. Regal is in and brutalizing Santino. Primo back in for the super hard corner whip. Regal back in and working the midsection with his knees. Abdominal Stretch! Would it kill them to have someone submit to that? Primo in. Scoop slam but the Frog Splash misses. Lawler actually uses Primo’s last name. Kozlov is in and it gets ugly. Running Power Slam, but Regal breaks up the pin. Sambo Chokeslam Suplex thing! Regal is fuming. Nice match!

MVP vs. Chavito is the Main Event, so I’ve got that to look forward to.

Chris Master is making his way out, so I fear Baretta and Croft will soon follow. My fear is confirmed. It looks like ECW legend Caylen Croft is the victim. Masters hits the Bulldog Delayed Vertical Suplex within seconds. Croft goes after the knee and grounds the big man. Not just psychology, interweekly psychology! Is this really the Fed? Figure four attempt is kicked out of. Manhatten Drop and some clotheslines give Masters the advantage. Gorilla Press, but his knee gives out. MasterLock on Baretta. Back inside, but Croft rocks a sick chop block and a DDT. A Dudebusters victory! Wow, I did not see that coming. I hope this leads to Masters picking a tag team partner and beating the crap out of the Dudebusters.

MVP comes out with his rookie, the extraordinary Percy Watson. Chavo is in and things start off slowly. They take it to the mat. Chavito headstands out of leg scissors. MVP gets his Hero on and woks the cravate. Nice dropkick. Chavo’s new tights seem to be bringing him some much needed fire, because he is bringing the heat. HUGE back body drop! Chavo is on the floor and it is commercial time.

Chavo Classic callout! I do miss that guy. Chavo locks on the mounted armbar, but the magic chant brings MVP back from the dead. Chavo gets some nasty offense in the corner. Short arm clothesline. Mounted facelock. MVP is totally going to win. Chavito never gets this much offense and wins. Ballin’ elbow time… Play of the day reversal, Eddie shake, Three Amigos countered with a German. Almost three. Wheel kick, or innovative offense if you are a WWE commentator. Frog splash time? Nope, MVP climbs to the top, but gets shoved off. Chavo off the top into a big boot. Somehow, that is not the finish. Chavo counters the vertical suplex. Play of the Day! MVP win! Decent main. Chavo is so much better than MVP, it is not even funny. No Divas = a pretty good show.

Welcome to a very special Superstars via Supergiantninja. First off, I am going to stay completely sober. No really. Secondly, I switched from Notepad++ to OpenOffice, so the spelling might be a little better. Might be. Thirdly, I am cooking dinner at the same time as I write this, so there is a chance that I will stop writing to stir the macaroni and cheese. So, um, yeah.

MVP starts the show, which is a good thing. Being partnered with Chris Masters is a better thing. I know the vaunted IWC has little regard for MVP, but he still entertains and does not blow too many spots. Masters is perhaps the most fun midcard face on the roster. The third man on the outside of the ring is the fantabulous Percy Watson. Percy is the Cho Aniki and Dan Hibari mash up of my dreams. The opponents are the Dudebusters. Three out of five ain’t bad.

MVP starts it fast and tags in Masters to bring the power offense. My toenails are painted hot pink. Masters has an amazing Flair chop. Croft chop blocks Masters, speaking of Flair, and the Dudebusters take control. It’s leg grapevine time! Dragon screw leg whip and the Dudebusters look good. Time for a big time comeback. Masters wins with the MasterLock. And I win with some mac and cheese!

It is JTG time. He manages to look less and less like the kind of hustler that sells drugs and more and more like the kind of hustler who sucks cocks. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Chavo is the opponent, which is a good thing. I do love me some Chavo. JTG gets the early advantage and Todd Grisham says ‘flava’. What was that I said about not drinking? Chavo wins AGAIN with the Frog Splash! Yes! No joke, I think JTG is getting jobbed out. Best part is, Chavo gets the deuce.

In another match I am excited to see, Yoshi takes on Primo! Did I die and go to midcard heaven? A n ad for the Elimination Chamber comp reminds me that I have never seen an Elimination Chamber match. Ever.

Yoshi brings the excitement to the ring. As much as I loved TAKA’s run with the Fed, I think Yoshi has already eclipsed him. Speaking of eclipsing, Primo is definitely the better Colon brother, though I miss Carlito. Lock up to start and Yoshi wins it. Primo rocks the sweep kick and this match is way to fast to write up. Let’s just say it’s good and slick and fast and you should watch it. Jerry Lawler is bitching about Kane’s title win, further watering down his character. Primo hits a new finisher, the top rope Backstabber to win.

The main is the Hart Dynasty vs. the Usos, who I have yet to see. Not to cop out, but damn the Hart Dynasty are good. Really, really good. Tyson Kidd is young Chris Benoit good. Yeah, I said that positively. The Usos are pretty athletic for Samoans, though they are pretty green. The mirror image aspect of both teams makes this interesting. Two teams with roots deep into the dark heart of the WWE with female managers with equally strong ties to Fed history. I take that back about the Usos being green, they just need to be squashing the holy Hell out of jobbers on Superstars every week. That would be entertaining. Amazing finish, with Kidd hitting the off the shoulders Hart Attack and a dropkick simultaneously. That is talent. I could seriously watch these two teams go at it every other week. Good match, great show!

Is it a bad idea to start off the show with my drink prepoured? Probably, but after last week, I deserve a drink. That Diva laden abortion was unwatchable, save the excellence of Ryder vs. Goldust.

We start with JTG and I take a sip. Black Medallion makes me feel a little better about this, but not much. His opponent is Chavo, so I will take my eyes off the monitor and actually watch the match. I have always loved Chavito and he should be able to carry JTG to something watchable, at least. Some standing switches to start and JTG takes it to the mat. No really. More standing wrestling and JTG goes for the pin with a shoulderblock. Chavo works over JTG in the corner and locks on an armbar/crossface submission. The match moves outside and we shockingly do not go to commercial. Chavo dropkicks JTG to the floor, snipes him, rolls him into the ring, and hits the into the ring senton. A keylock is countered with punches and JTG hits a spinning elbow and a diving neckbreaker. Rube Goldberg backbreaker fails to get the three count. Chavo goes for the Frog Splash and wins. The right winner with the right finisher. A very watchable little match. Well done on both ends, but Chavo did a man’s work.

Jericho vs. Tatsu is the main and I am pretty stoked. This could be golden.

Oh great, it’s M-Dogg 20 and soe Canseco guy vs. Archer and Hawkins. Could they at least have a tag team name or something? Please? Matching tights? Better music? Something to make me give a Goddamn about them would be nice. Lance needs a singlet to cover the tramp stamp and Hawkins needs to stop being Stevie Richards 2K10. I have no reason to care about either team, but I do know that Cross and Conseco are jobbers. Archer certainly looks like a crazy redneck. A team with Mike Knox would have been so much better. SQUASH!

The Bellas are next, so just imagine two hot chicks doing stuff. Now imagine that with wrestling commentators over the top. Want to prevent premature ejaculation? Listen to Jerry
Lawler while you have sex. You might just never cum. Ever.

Yoshi comes out and the crowd goes nuts. They love the Tatsu and who can blame them. Jericho hits the thumb to the eye, pulls the hair, and punts Tatsu in the spine to start. Yes! A bit of continuity, selling Jericho as Barrett’s sensei. Tatsu is in control and climbs the top rope, but Jericho pushes him out. Just in time for a commercial break.

We are back and Yoshi si fighting from behind. Jericho clubberates Yoshi and tosses him to the floor again. Chris takes the time to lay down on the top rope in the corner. Nice. Blood
stoppage for a cut over Yoshi’s eye. I know some people hate the blood stoppage but I think it actually lends a sense of realism and, dare I say, class to the proceedings. This is a
perfect way to seperate wrestling from MMA. Jericho hits his nuts on the second rope and Tatsu takes advantage with a set of kicks but a boot in corner knocks him back to the mat. Snapmare to chinlock puts Jericho firmly in control and the crowd tries to resurrect Tatsu. Lionsault misses and Yoshi gets chop happy. Malenko style calf kick and it’s not enough. Jericho hits the Double Underhook Backbreaker. Tatsu corner knee, rollthrough and Shining Wizard. Two count. Jericho with the clothesline. Two count! Yoshi kick combo and he climbs the ropes. Don’t go for the Arn anderson double axe handle. Jericho ducks and gets the Walls of Jericho. Tatsu pulls towards the ropes but it is not enough. Jericho with the win! Nice main event. These are the sort of matches Ric Flair used to have on Saturday night for most of the 80′s. Great fun and a million times better than last week.

Looks like we are starting with a Divas match. Yay? At least the Bellas are out, in the same hotpants ref costume Shawn Michaels used to wear. It looks much better on the perfectly round asses of the Bellas. Then Primo’s music hits and I celebrate. Then I see he is with Jillian. Ugh. Good new: no singing. Bad new: no Primo and Ryder match. The opponents are Yoshi Tatsu and Gail Kim. The girls start it out and I zone out. Can’t we just watch the Bellas shower together instead? The guys are in the ring and…

Let me level with you. I hate Diva matches. I doubly hate mixed matches. Why does this company insist on
making me watch this instead of cruiserweights or a real tag division? This is not the Trish Stratus lead
division of the early 00′s saving the workrate, this is sub-WOW cat fighting.

Yoshi and Primo really mesh well in the match and make me wish the ladies were not involved. There’s a
Double Clothesline spot and my interest really starts to wane. Fast count or something. Meh.

A Divas tagmatch is announced and my heart sinks. At least Noah’s favorite wrestler is involved. Por quas
all around.

Here comes Zach Ryder to save the show. No, really. I love the guy. Zach plays a wholly unlikable, but
totally realistic character and has solid skills. His opponent is… GOLDUST! Fuck yeah! The current
Fed level of Rhodeses is adequite. If only Big Dust would show up and take out the Nexus. I am going
to savor this match and tell you to watch it on YouTube. Just know it is good. Very, very good.

NXT Flashback to put me to sleep. Zzzzz.

And next it’s the… FUCK YOU, WWE! Fuck you in the gravy hole. The Masterlock Challenge? I know TNA is
bad but you don’t need to take that as a challenge. Do not play down to the competition. Ugh.

The Dudebusters beat up Masters and I care very little. Maybe a blowoff next week?

I refuse to cover the main event. A Divas Tag Team match for the Main Event? Nope. Not gonna do it. I
am going to sit here and think about Dusty vs. Graham in the Bull Rope Match. Goodnight.

Another week, another edition of Superstars on WGN. And we start on a strong note: the best face tag team in the Fed, Tatsu and Goldust vs. my favorite emerging heel team, Ryder and Primo.
Both teams have a unique dynamic and are fun to watch. Ryder has ditched the one long leg tights for standard trunks, which is a big improvement. Tatsu shows his appreciation for Zach’s
new tights by lighting him up with a series of vicious slaps and an armdrag before Goldust comes in. Goldustin takes control, but Zach gets a tag. Lawler and Cole manage to ignore the
match completely, talking about RAW’s new GM, HAL. Tatsu works Primo’s arm and ducks the crossbody before hanging Yoshi on the ropes. Zach takes over and batters Tatsu. The heels are
working the tags and keeping Yoshi grounded. Tatsu gets the boot up in the corner, hot tag, and Goldy is back. Kneeling uppercut, but Primo capitalizes on the distraction. We go to break
with the heels in control.

I am going to ignore the commercials and think about Hostess Fruit Pies. Yum.

We are back and Zach is dominating Goldust. Tags in Primo and it is chinlock time. Nothing like a nice, snug chinlock, right? Goldust with the powerslam and Dustin is pounding the mat with his foot
to get fired up. Dropkick! Malenko style spin kick. Chop combo! Double axe handle? Shining Wizard! Primo breaks up the pin. Tatsu misses a kick in the corner. Rough Ryder! Zach and Primo
take the trip to the pay window. I said it once, but I will say it again, Ryder and Primo are great together. Goldust and Tatsu are fun, too. Nice match and nothing can bring me down,
not even an NXT Replay.

Did I say nothing could bring me down? I might make an exception for a Bella vs. Jillian match. Yes, I know there are two of them, but I take my glasses off to jerk off and they blur together
into a super foxy two headed woman. Too much?

A strange, old school spot for Dos Caras Jr., unmasked of course. He is obsessed with the truth, for some reason, and claims to only to tell the truth. Alberto Del Rio. Hmm.

There is a divas match now and I am going to take a break to pour a drink. Yes, the Bellas look amazing in blue hot pants. Sadly, they are wrestling Jillian, who kills my boner. Some
moves happen and someone wins, or something.

Our main event is announced: Christian vs. Curt Hawkins in the battle of former Edge lackeys. Commercial for the Ricky Steamboat DVD makes me think about actually buying a wrestling
DVD for the first time in years.

Christian comes out first and the crowd is pretty thrilled. He is pretty over, I just can’t get into him. He comes across even more uptight than John Cena, which is pretty hard to do. Even
worse, his offense is lame with a capital LAME. That being said, he is worlds better than the super bland Hawkins and his assistant, emphasis on ass, Lance Hoyt. I mean Dallas. I mean Lance
Archer. Are we sure that guy isn’t a porn star?

Hawkins manages to outdouche the entire locker room with a blazer and okeather pants combination. Wow, that is amazingly tacky. Lock up to start and I find out Hawkins and Archer got signed.

Great. Christian takes the early lead with an arm wringer but Hawkins punches his way out. Christian takes him down, Hawkins goes to the floor, and Christian hits the baseball slide. Top
rope crossbody gets a two count. Hawkins lifts Christian over the top rope and Archer closes in. The ref tosses Archer and his awful leather jacket turned vest to the back. Tag teams
are supposed to dress the same! How fucking hard is that to figure out? And it’s commercial time.

Anyone want to buy me a ticket for the Money In the Bank PPV? $25 I don’t have.

We are back and Christian is on the mat getting the business from Hawkins, but he slugs his way out. Hawkins drops Christian to the mat and taunts before the cover. Two count and then
the punching commences. Curt works him over in the corner, Christian goes for the DDT, but Hawkins tosses him off the top rope. Scoop is reversed into the weird sit out pulling thing
Christian uses. A hard slap knocks Hawkins down. Christian hits his strange backbreaker. Hawkins hits a NICE body slam. Christian takes control with a slap and a missile dropkick. Is
Christian the Kobashi of slaps? Tope rope crossbody misses and Hawkins capitalizes. Christian hits that strange corner rope kick followed by the flying European and a Killswitch. That’s
your match. There was nothing wrong with that match, it just lacked any spark of interest. Christian will nver change card position and Hawkins is better off in his second rate tag
team. That’s your show and I made it through sober! Nice. Have good Fourth and I will be back next week.

So, about last week… I didn’t get around to it. My bad. The good news is that I am back to do whatever it is I do. The show is off to a great start with a Shake Weight commercial. Oh, yeah, that is the good stuff right there. Nothing brings the quality like watching people use a piece of equipment that looks like a giant throbbing cock is about to shoot in their face. You may say the commercials are not part of the Fed’s programming, but I disagree. The Shake Weight ad is every bit as much a work as Bryan Danielson’s release and Kane raping a corpse. We are coming fresh off of a PPV I never got around to watching. Some stuff happened, Sheamus and Mysterio are the champs. And we start the rasslin’ with a low point.

JTG comes to the ring, reeking of Future Endeavors. I do not wish anyone ill will, but JTG is just about the least interesting worker in the world. The only thing that would be worse would be, oh dear God. They found someone less interesting: Caylen Croft. Croft manages to make Matt Hardy look hip and well manicured. I know I should be payig attention to the match, but the only thing I can focus on is the strange commentary. Josh Matthews says something about bloggers writing about the Dudebusters and I am so confounded by the idea that someone would write about Croft and Baretta. Then the match ends and JTG abducts an African American child from the crowd. And some honkies show up and ruin the good time. I am fairly sure nothing could redeem this show. Then they announce the R-Truth vs. Regal match and my heart flutters. Oh, joy!

A Domino’s Pizza ad reminds me why I only buy from local pizza places. Even at $6, glorified Boboli with stuff thrown on it is over-priced. I should know pizza, I am fat after all. Golden Corral ad, but I have no bile to spill. I guess if you want to eat lukewarm garbage while surrounded by flies, old people, and the morbidly obese.

Luke Gallows comes to the ring with the amazingly hot Serena. I would so give up beer for her and her magnificent boobs. Speaking of boobs, here comes Chris Masters. This should be good. By the by, it is almost too bad that Masters had his problems too long ago to join the Straight Edge Society. Punk’s mic skills and Masters’ fun power guy ring work would have been a great match. Masters brings the intense with some shoulder work and Gallows looks like he is in agony. Gallows gets a short burst of offense before Masters hits a beautiful twisting suplex. Gallows to the outside and it is commercial time.

WGN’s Nightie Watchman ads disturb me. Is she supposed to be turning me on? I mean, yeah, she looks okay, but she has the charisma of a wet hamburger bun. I just don’t understand what it is she does, really. Is she a movie host like Elvira? Another 5 Hour Energy commercial makes me wonder if I am missing something. They make it seem like that stuff is legal cocaine or something. Pizza Hut reminds me that corporate pizza is gross, again. I am tempted to enter Andy into the Beautiful Baby competition.

Masters gets tossed to the outside and there is a gratutious shot of Serena stalking him and looking devious. Is it wrong that I want her to punish me? Gallows displays his very nice rear chinlock. The M on Chris’ boots make him look like a supervillain. Gallows shows off his nice release vertical suplex. Masters hits a diving shoulderblock and climbs to the second rope for another. Seriously, Masters is getting better every week. Wow. Gallows hits a Hogan worthy Big Boot and goes for the Gallow’s Pole. Masters muscles out and works the bag. Ted Arcidi reference from Striker. Serena with the super foxy distraction. Gallow’s Pole! That’s the match. Perfect midcard match. Both guys come out looking good, the heel wins by cheating, and everything moves forward.

I know people like to pick on Striker, but he is easily the best commentator in the Fed since JR left. He might be a geek, but I think he adds a lot to the booth.

I usually dread Diva matches, but I will make an exception for the Bellas. How could a pair of twins be that hot? It just isn’t right. Man, I must be extra horny tonight or something. This must be what it’s like to be Jerry Lawler. You know, without the whole being an awesome wrestler in the 80′s thing. I would pay to watch a Lawler vs. Rhodes feud, even now. Bring back Brian Christopher and feud him with Goldust and Cody. Yes, I do insist on fantasy booking the American Dream every week.

I strongly dislike John Cena as a wrestler, but I have a sneaking suspicion he would be a cool guy to grab a beer with and play PS3. Jillian reminds me why I dread Diva matches. She sings the Ole song and I almost wish El Generico would come out. Almost. I want to move to Utah and marry the Bellas, mainly so I could watch them make out. A match is happening but I cannot really bring myself to pay too much attention. Trust me when I say it is no Magnum TA vs. Tully Blanchard. Or Gallows vs. Masters. It is still better than watching a JTG match. I miss the growth on Jillian’s face. It was more over than she is now. Someone wins or something. I was going to watch sober. Was.

The Light That Will Never Go Out, William Regal vs. R-Truth is on the way and I feel fine. It might be the tequila. Those NXT fellas sure do deal out a mean beat down. I hope the GM on the computer is cool. I vote for Larry Sweeney. R-Truth raps his way to the ring and I run out of tequila, tragedies both. Is Randy Orton the most rapist looking wrestler since Sylvester Turkay? Oh, I think so. I want to go to Harry Potter’s theme park dressed as Gandalf so I can call everyone fags and get drunk at the bar. Of course, a Gandalf outfit would look just like Dumbledore, so I might be mistaken for a park employee and get a handjob from the failed actress playing Tonks. That would be fun, at least until Hagrid throws up on my lap.

Regal makes his way to the ring in a pimp robe. He has dumped the singlet for trunks again, which is a good thing. Are he and Goldust time travellers? You are not supposed to get better as you age. Regal works the arm but Truth reverses. Headscissors and a dropkick take Regal down. Truth is favoring the knee and Regal starts stomping it. Regal takes it to the ring and contorts the knee of R-Truth. A half crab really gets cranked. R-Truth makes the ropes, something I hate to see faces do. Truth with a monkey flip, but Regal tangles him up in the ropes by the knee. William stomps the knee in the corner but Ron punches out of the corner. DDT! Regal’s eyes roll up in his head. A beautiful suplex from Regal, but the Lie Detector gets the win. I hate to see Regal lose, but the crowd goes wild. Good show, but I could use a shower.

Let me just start by saying this is absolutely the geekiest week of my life. Ever since hearing about the end of RAW, I have been following all of the messages boards I can stand trying to wrap my mind around how epic the NXT Rebellion is. I suddenly care what direction the Fed is headed in. What I think they did best on Monday was capture the nihilism and anarchy the original nWo embodied. They were not trying to win titles, at least at first. They were trying to overthrow the establishment. Everyone remembers how great it was at the start and how awful the ending was. My sincerest hope is that the Fed can do what no one else has: execute an invasion with a hot beginning, an entertaining middle, and a satisfying end. Michael Tarver is a pimp, for real. I do secretly hope that Michael Cole is the Eric Bischoff of the group.

To punish me for my optimism, Superstars starts with an Alesha Fox vs. Gail Kim. Lovely. The irony, not the Divas. The King is selling the injuries he sustained during the beatdown that was taped after this was. My Phillip K. Dick Sense is tingling. Michael Cole running away like a bitch is discussed. Honestly, the announcers talking about the major story arc instead of the match at hand. That being said, I cannot blame them. Alesha gets a smattering of heel heat, though I cannot discern what makes her a heel. Is it her lime green stripper pants? Alesha tries to end it with a backbreaker. No, really. Even better, her finisher is a by God Scissor Kick. In 2010, finisher technology has not advanced beyond the scissor kick. A scissor kick to the back ends it. What ever it was. I am reminded of the days when Sweet Chin Music was called a Crescent Kick.

Golden Corral’s new commercial has an even fatter African American family, desperate to eat steak for breakfast. Not just steak, but all you motherfuckers can eat steak. Jam that beef down my gullet until I shit undigested flesh, buffet style. At least they show their target audience, which is the same as rasslin’: overweight families with low incomes and no self-respect. Like me.

The greatest tag team in the history of D-shows comes to the ring: Zack “Woo Woo Woo” Ryder and Primo “Semi” Colon!

Their opponents are an equally mighty D-show team Goldustin Rhodes and Yoshi Tatsu! Fuck to the yeah! Zack looks like a bathroom rapist, but that doesn’t protect him from Yoshi Tatsu’s chops. Tatsu armdrags Zack and brings the fun. Dustin tries to bite Ryder and the crowd approves. Is Dustin the best wrestler to never be a main eventer? Tatsu with a rolling senton thingy and then the chops. Yoshi rocks a cravate, but Primo takes control, for a second. Tatsu misses a tope and the ribs from Burger King commercial is on.

We are back and Zack has control. Flapjack crushes Yoshi. Primo’s boots have spats, which I dig. Long Island Iced Z? Could the Fed come up with worse nicknames? At least they don’t repeat it a million times like Pettengill used to. Primo and Ryder are the thrown together team, but they have more chemistry. Too bad they look ridiculous together. Goldust drop to the knee uppercut! Corner punches! Scoop slam? Has that ever gotten a pin, like ever in the history of wrestling? Zack hits a Rough Ryder for the win. As much as I like the faces, the right team won. Primo and Ryder could work if they had matching tights or something.

The main is announced and I am excited. Kofi, or is it Koofey?, vs. Luke Gallows. Gallows could be the Chessman of Smackdown, a great base for high flyers, if they wanted to use him that way.

A Rogain add makes me want to drink. Tequila time.

Jose Cuervo Black Medallion, no ice or lime, room temperature. Yeah, I’m a drunk, but I like it, so fuck you. The burn lets you know it’s working.

Stryker looks like he is seething. RAW Flashback time!

It might mean Superstars has one less match, but the long replay of the NXT Takeover is important enough to warrant this. So much has been said, but man alive, that was awesome. I hope Justin Gabriel goes full on Goth now. His face right before the 450 was chilling.

SOS! I ere dem shouting! Auto-Tune reggae time! This must be Noah’s favorite guy, Koofey, the IC champ and trainer of Mike Perfect. See what I did there? I used a reference to his past and made him copywritable. Was that hard? Mike McGillicutty is a terrible name.

Luke Gallows is a pretty underrated talent, and one that I would like to see more of. He’s a big, ugly dude with some moves. His soft voice could be useful if they wanted him to be a sociopathic punk. Oh, wait, I guess that is his gimmick.

Hey, Luke has his own music! Too bad it sucks. At least my sweet Serena is with him. Seriously, the hottest Diva since Molly Holly left. Damn, I miss Molly Holly.

Kofi has some nice kicks. I keep hoping for more cutaways to Serena. Yum. Kofi hits a crossbody and then the commercial hits. Bella Twins bumper! Nice!

5 Hour Energy sucks.

Kofi with a cover, but Gallows takes control. Big back suplex. Luke with a straightjacket. Gallows catches a crossbody and hits a fallaway slam. Nice vertical suplex. Kofi hits the Boom Boom Legdrop. I cannot think of another wrestler I have disliked as much as Kofi based purely on his taunts. Gallows hits a sick clothesline and goes for the Gallows Pole. Kofi reverses into the SOS.

See you next week, crumbs.

We start with Internet darling Mark Henry vs. Superstars umm… Superstar, Primo. Primo’s little guy offense does little to sway Big Grizzy, but he certainly seems game. Great facial expressions must run in the family because Primo grimaces and mugs as much as his brother. Mark Henry powerslams Primo and the squash is over faster than I can type. Mark is never going to be World Champion, but he is fun enough to open Superstars. Too bad Primo doesn’t get much love.

They announce a Diva’s match and I feel a need for some tequila. Jose Cuervo Black, if you don’t mind. Booze from a plastic cup and rasslin on a Thursday night? That is pretty damn nice, right there.

A Red Dead Redemption ad reminds me I could be doing something more productive with my evening, like hunting beavers. Or stalking Troy Aikman and eating Pizza Hut.

It’s Gail Kim, who is the wrestling equivalent to Panda Express vs. Jillian, the wrestling equivalent to jamming a plastic fork in your eye. Twitter talk on wrestling, how quaint. If the Fed insists on hiring Divas based on looks instead of workrate, can’t they do better than this? Eye candy should give me some sort of wood. This is like eye cauliflower. Michael Cole is the high point of this match, to put it into perspective. He even works in a Kool and the Gang reference, which is pretty hip for a WWE announcer. Gail Kim wins with a
move so bad that Nova refused to take credit for inventing it.

The good news is that this Jose Cuervo is pretty nice. It burns in a most pleasant way. Like Icy Hot on my taint.

The Baby Back Ribs Tard and his deformed family are back. Jesus, this show has enough commercials.

Ooh, another Divas match…Michelle McCool vs. Tiffany. I am not expecting much. Over/under for blown spots is set at 2. Tiffany has amazingly ugly ring gear. It burns my eyes to look at her ass. Michelle McCool punts Tiffany’s head. It is quite jarring to see such a brutal move in a Diva’s match. I wish that Michelle McCool’s cross covered tights were ironic, but I doubt it. McCool ends it with a Styles Clash. I need more Layla, less of the blondes. Michelle is most famous for fucking the Undertaker. Are they married? No? Then they are living in sin, vis a vis the outdated morality her tights claim allegiance to.

Eddie’s widow hits on Dolph Ziggler. Good for both of them. It’s not like the Vickie rub has ever failed before. Well, except for that Escobar guy, but pinning Osama Bin Laden wouldn’t have gotten him over.

Evan Bourne and Justin Gabriel need to be a tag team. Two pretty boys who can fly? What could go wrong, aside from a drug bust? Wade Barrett looks to be all upside. He looks like a Street Fighter character, talks like a Guy Ritchie character, and is big. I look forward to seeing him in the Fed. Speaking of NXT, Regal and R-Truth need to feud. Fun stuff.

Main Event is Christian vs. Chavito. Christian is so Owen Hart 2.0. Good to great worker, lots of personality, lacks that one thing to put him over the top. Chavo will always suffer for being a Guerrero. It’s a tough shadow to climb out of, for sure.

Since when does the UFC put out WWE style DVDs? I would totally buy a Rampage Jackson DVD if, you know, I wanted to watch dudes rubbing crotches with each other. UFC=Rough Trade.

You know, I think I would fuck Vickie Guerrero, if only to pay tribute to Eddie. As much tribute as you can give a widow doggy style in a Home Depot restroom.

Pretty standard match until Vickie interrupts. It is now a handicap match with Dolph helping Chavo. Shocker. What ever it is Christian and Chavo don’t have, Dolph does. He is cut out for big things, if the Fed doesn’t fuck him over. Commercial break!

I have to take a wicked piss, but I got rid of my DVR, so I must hold it for ten more minutes or pee in an empty water bottle.

That’s better.

Back in progress. Dolph hits a great necksnapper. Chavo has no rhythm. Flying European. Killswitch, but not on the legal man. Zig Zag for the win. Yay! I need a nap. Wake me for Smackdown.

This week’s Superstars gets right to it with a JTG/Cody Rhodes match. Cody comes to the ring with a swank ring jacket and looks the part. JTG looks like he can see the future endeavor
train coming his way. JTG starts out quickly and takes control with some lame face offense. How bad is JTG’s offense? He can’t hit a backslide. The WWE might not be pushing ringwork like
most off the Internets would like, but not even they would give a sustained push to a guy who can’t hit a backslide. At least a medium sized black guy who can’t hit a backslide. Without
a tag team, JTG is a lesser R-Truth. The story of the match seems to be that Cody is smarter than the average wrestler and uses all of JTG’s flair against him. How odd to see a Rhodes
being pushed as some sort of evil wrestling genius, but he seems to pull it off. If the Fed wanted me to watch RAW, they would make Cody, Dustin, and Dusty a stable and have them run
roughshod all over the company. I can dream, right. JTG is back on the (shitty) offense when we come back from break, but Cody uses the ropes to take the advantage. Cody’s lack of moronic
tattoos and lack of kneepads mean that he stands out. I still don’t get the TriForce boots, though. Cody kicks out of two finishers and JTG hits the world’s worst neckbreaker. Crossroads
finishes and I am slightly amused. On one hand, Cody Rhodes is really hitting his stride. On the other, JTG is sucking hard.

Yoshi Tatsu comes out to the best musicin the WWE. His opponent is one of my favorite Superstars workers, Primo Colon. Primo might be a jobber, but he’s fun. Primo takes an early lead some
quality heel work. Lawler questions how Carlos Colon feels about his heel son. Seriously? Carlos is just happy that one of his boys is working in the WWE. I will miss Carlito, but at least I
get to see Primo dominate Yoshi. The real question is why Yoshi is on RAW? Primo hits a sick legdrop. Camel Clutch! No, really! Watching a jobber rock the Camel Clutch on another jobber in 2010
makes my day, for sure. Yoshi takes control with some nice striking and almost picks up a deuce with the Shining Wizard. Top rope spinning heel kick to finish and I get more of Yoshi’s music.
I really wonder if management is missing out on a goldmine with that kid.

Replay of Michael Cole and Bryan Danielson from NXT. I liked it, but I see why some people don’t. It cracks me up how similar this storyline is to the relationship between pro athletes and
sports reporters. It doesn’t hurt that I enjoy watching Cole play heel.

Speaking of irony, here comes Evan Bourne. Sam and I had a short discussion about how someone like Bourne is not that interesting because he has no character. I’m not saying he has no
charisma, just that there is no reason to cheer him. I wish the WWE would learn some lessons from Street Fighter II. Every fighter has a reason to chase the title, but they also have a
reason to fight a few other competitors, too. What is compelling about Evan Bourne? He’s a good looking guy who flips around. Sorry if that does not set my heart aflame.

His opponent, Zach Ryder, is the opposite. Zach oozes guido sleaze and everything he does in and out of the ring makes me believe he is a scumbag.

Either way, Evan has nice looking kicks. In all honesty, the combination of terrible commentary makes it hard to even watch the match. Someone needs to remove the King, by hook or by crook.
Bourne tales Ryder down with a nice hurricanrana, but Ryder regains his feet and control before the commercial break. Ryder’s clothesline is JTG bad. Ryder counters a crucifix into a Samoan
Drop thingy on the ropes. Why on Earth do Cole and Lawler prattle on about Divas and I zone out. Lawler calls Evan “Matt.” Shooting Star Press misses, spinning knee thing hits, and Zach wins.
I need a nap.

We start off with everyone’s favorite Russian Sambo dude, the action figure-esque Vladimir Kozlov. his opponent is the perplexing Santino Morella. Santino gives a, for the modern WWE, pretty entertaining promo. The best part of the whole segment is that the ensuing match was exactly eight seconds long. With that out of the way, the rest of the show is sure to be much, much better, right?

An Edge/ Randy Orton package reinforces my hatred of Randy Orton’s music. I don’t mind someone being a schizophrenic sociopath who hits Diamond Cutters on everyone in sight. What I mind is that this psychosis has to be expressed via shitty tattoos and lukewarm nu-metal. If Randy is really crazy, his mind should sound more… Norwegian.

The Golden Corral ad reinforces two pet theories of mine. First, that the people who least need to eat all you can eat, do. Second, that once you have become so overcome by gluttony that the
only requirement you have for a restaraunt is that they let you shovel food into your gob until you are paralyzed with bloat, flavor and quality no longer matter. The ribs they show look like the cheap gristle slabs they make dog food out of. Best of all, they top it with what looks like watered down ketchup. Yum!

The show is saved by an appearance by the Attitude era’s gift that keeps on giving: Goldust. Has any other wrestler hit their stride so late in their career. What could possibly be better than
a Goldust match? A Goldust vs. LORD WILLIAM REGAL match! The two best wrestlers in the WWE, age irregardless hookiing up can only be a good thing. As soon as I started typing this, Michael Cole gave a shout out to Goldust’s Attitude bonafides.Regal hits a nasty knee drop to the arm, followed by a sick wrench. Goldie rolls to the apron and gets the Super Glue treatment so the
match can continue. Regal goes right back to the arm. Baby come back sequence. Regal nails a T-Bone, but Goldust hits the Curtain Call for the finish. A perfect example of why I love Superstars. These two rarely get the chance to work their magic on TV and it is nice to see the veterans drop some science.

NXT replay showcases the fun Bryan Danielson promo and assault on Michael Cole. Want to make a superstar babyface? Name drop Jim Ross and beat the snot out of Michael Cole. I wish that
beatdown had gone on forever.

Match three brings more goodness. The youngest member of America’s best wrestling family, Cody Rhodes vs. the lovable oaf Chris Masters. Cody is slowly growing into a steady hand and my love of Chris Masters, Jobber to the Stars, was expressed last week. Masters really needs to find a way to apply more baby oil. If he stole the baby oil gimmick from that guy in DDT, he would be
crazy over. Cody just needs to bleach his hair and start eating at Golden Corral. I do love that Cody is a heel who uses all of the knowledge he learned from his dad to be a heel.

A commercial for some serious Time-Warner Nazi porn interrupts the proceedings. Who is buying 4 DVDs of Nazi footage in 2010? Besides Sam, of course. A swig of Jim Beam reminds me that there are still good things in this world and the WWE is back.

Cody has added just enough of Randy Orton’s creepy stalking into his body language to go with his lacrosse playing murderer looks. His bouble knee drop looks nice. I still don’t get the
Tri-Force boots, but the no kneepads thing is a nice touch. His flat on his back uppercut ala Goldust is a nice touch. Stryker drops a mention of the splotch and Robert Johnson and Cody gets the win.

If size does not hold him back, I think Cody has a bright future. He definitely seems to be further along in his development than Teddy.

A Batista vs. Cena package. Yawn. Call me back when it’s a snuff tape.

More Jim Beam and I forgive Cena. At least he had that fun match with JBL. You know, the bloody one with the muffler that had enough blood to be a Big Japan match. Yeah, that was cool. Duct
tape, not so much.

The theme for Over the Limit is shitty. Shocker!

The main event sounds like a good match up: Dolph Ziggler vs. Christian. Christian’s Queen ripoff music was much better. Christian is this era’s eternal bride’s maid, a post Attitude Scott Hall, over
but destined to never be World Champion. Dolph is the future of the midcard. Dolph has awesome boots, which is always an advantage. Christian gets good airtime on a baseball slide/ dropkick thing. So good, in fact, I wonder why he doesn’t use it in the corner. Speaking of hang time, Christan gets flapjacked out of the ring and it seems like he is levitating. Commercials!!!

We’re back and Christian is alive and well and in the ring. Ziggler gets all intense and works some heel magic on Christian in the corner. Missile dropkick! Christian is selling the ribs like a
champ. Well, until he goes for the flying crossbody… Dolph rocks the sleeper, but Christian turns it into the neckbreaker thing he does. Zig Zag misses, but the flying European Upper and
Killswitch do not. Christian wins and the Canadians go wild! Well, as wild as Canadians go. Time for liquor and Red Dead Redemption.