Category Archives: The best things ever made

The best things ever made: Pro Wrestling

Pro Wrestling on the NES is the best game ever made.

Sure.

There’s Fire Pro. Smackdown. Virtual Pro 2.

I’ve played the hell out of these games.

But yet, years and years and years later, I love Pro Wrestling.

There are 6 player controlled guys.

That’s all.

They all have the same moves and one or two special moves each. That’s all they have.

The graphics are 2D.

The translation is awful.

But fuck everything, this game overcomes its limits and influences me to this day.

I mean, if you ever watch me wrestle, watch when I cheat. I totally sell it like The Amazon. He is such a big influence on me. 

Growing up, Noah had his army: King Slender, Starman and Fighter Hayabusa. I had Kin Korn Karn, Amazon and Giant Panther. Panther had left Noah’s army and turned heel and Hayabusa had turned face. But man, King Slender is an A button masher of death and hate. Amazon didn’t stand a chance. And Kin Korn? Let’s go with fucking jobber for the win, Alex. I’m sorry. What is a fucking jobber? 

Pro Wrestling is the bastard child of Nintendo. It never was rereleased for Game Boy and fucking Ice fucking Climber was. None of the characters showed up in Mario fighting games. Every single NES game Nintendo made is in Animal Crossing…but no Pro Wrestling. Amazon is in one of the Wario games in a cameo. That’s about it.

With the new Wii Punch-Out!, I dream of a cartoony Pro Wrestling with no licensed characters. Just the originals and a few new ones. I can dream. People love this game. Just look at this rad poster I found online:

prowrestling

I will end this with something I never saw in my childhood: a victorious Giant Panther. Fucking Noah.

a_winner_is_you_1024

- Sam

The best things ever made.

In this new feature, we will opine on some of the best things ever made about wrestling. Mostly, these will be pictures of Tommy Rich bleeding like his face is a vagina and he’s been grumpy for a week.

Kerry and Michael

This cover is perhaps my favorite picture ever taken in wrestling. Back before Kerry was dead and Michael Hayes was calling Mark Henry the n-word, they were both fucking awesome. Finally, these hated enemies came together. This picture totally shows the dichotomy of these two new partners. It makes me so happy inside.

Kamala Hogan cover

I first saw this cover at the Valley View in Sharon, PA. If you don’t know about Valley View, man…before Wal-Mart and Target, there was Valley View, which was open later than everywhere else…and let me just post this:

Valley View was a forerunner of the big-box retail center. It opened in 1959 and carried a wide variety of merchandise ranging from home-and-garden supplies, automotive, hardware, furniture and clothing — along with a wide variety of widgets and gizmos and a lunch counter where short-order staples and homemade milkshakes could be ordered.

They also had a huge aisle filled with magazines. While my parents shopped, Noah and I would go look at toys, then sit and read comic books. We’d always end up with at least one PWI or wrestling magazine. 

My Dad

This is written by the same guy who wrote “Heaven Need a Champion.” I want this record more than I want to have violent sex with Joanna Angel.

I would assume Chris would know that Fritz can really kick someone’s ass. Kind of like if you set a fire in the Hart house, you can be assured that you will be throw down the steps.

Just. Wow. 

According to the WWE Legends of Soul, wrestling has never been racist. This poster does not exist.

Von Erich Game

When Dollar General first opened in our hometown, they had this game. It’s great. It’s one of the best board game versions of pro wrestling. We loved it so much that we created additional characters for almost every wrestler in the world. We then created feuds, built angles and had supercards. This behavior would not even stop in college, as Noah and I played the WWF role playing game and created a Pittsburgh based fed with El Gato, Ese Burrito (an even more racist Razor Ramon), The Cardinal, The Iron Bishop (those dudes came to the ring with an altar boy and passed around for collections, then put communion in defeated guy’s mouths like DiBiase used to put money in people’s lips), and best of all, John Cigna from KDKA was the main announcer. We had no money when Noah was in college, so we would live off of 40s, ramen, The Box (DA BOX DA BOX DA BOX) and the WWF role playing game. 

Ah, man, I feel all wistful.

- Sam