Counting The Lights

Inspired by the Mad Maxine story I posted last night, I did some research into this old cartoon and learned that the voices on the show were not the real wrestlers’ voices. Which is kind of insane, really. But here’s who did do the voices:

Charlie Adler as Rowdy Roddy Piper
Adler is better known as playing Cobra Commander and Starscream from your childhood. He is the dude who invented “once a man.”

Lewis Arquette as Superfly Jimmy Snuka
Lewis’ son David grew up to be a world champion. Other kids grew up to have awesome tits and be trannies.

James Avery as Junkyard Dog
Many years later, his Philadelphia-born nephew would run into some ruffians during recess. His mother would say, “This cannot stand” and send him forthwith to California to live with Mr. Avery and his shape-changing wife.

George DiCenzo as Captain Lou Albano
He was also Hordak, so, you know, you can see how he’d get the part of Captain Lou.

Pat Fraley as Hillbilly Jim
You may also have heard him as Krang and Casey Jones when you were an annoying kid.

Brad Garrett as Hulk Hogan
He went on to be on a few TV shows, right? Including many, many shows that Noah DVRs.

Neil Ross as Mean Gene Okerlund
He’s now the announcer for the Emmys. He was also the voice of Shipwreck on GI Joe.
-Sam

You can find this DVD at http://www.highspots.com/product.asp?id=23835&category=416

Paul London was managed by a space owl this weekend. He dresses in a NASA suit. And he is either doing a great job at acting crazy or is really looney toons. I’ll go with the former. I expected to hate this DVD, but you know…it wasn’t bad. Sure, the dude has his opinions. And I agree with most of them. If you want to hear him hold court with creepy marks, this is for you. If you want to see how fucking creepy Bill Apter is, by all means, order this. But I enjoyed the brief bit of Shane Douglas talking to Paul, as Shane comes off really well here. He’s an intelligent dude beyond the whole “shut the fuck up” Franchise character. Which, of course, I love. But it’s cool to hear him be down to Earth and talk.

Your mileage may vary on Paul London. Me, I enjoyed the 45 minutes of this. It was just long enough. Probably not worth $16, but hey, Highspots didn’t pay me to review this. And I probably found it on a Rapidshare site, right? Right.
-Sam

Man, I feel like the show itself is getting in the way of talking about the show. So, in short form, here is what happened on RAW as far as results go:

Randy Orton beat Wade Barrett
Edge beat The Great Khali
The Miz jawed with Daniel Bryan
Cena beat Gabs
Melina beat Alicia Fox
John Morrison beat Chris Jericho

Now, here is what mattered:

* Wade Barrett Is the only guy in Nexus who can really cut a promo. He has great delivery and confidence when addressing the crown. Everyone else from Nexus sounds like they have been practicing in front of their mirrors. If you do really plan on imploding Nexus as soon as you were thinking, then you need to get everyone either up to speed with promos or with a manager.

* Having Gabriel brag that he hit his Finiser on a bunch of dudes beign a bigger deal than Slater pinning Cena was farcical. A win is always a biger deal than a high spot. Always. Whoever “blocked” that promo is an idiot, pure and simple.

* I am all for making fun of people. I do it on commentarry with IWC. I am on a website that seems to revel in. I fully get that you can use mockery to get people over. However, Making fun of Alicia Fox just seemed… mean? Sexist? Just… off. It didn’t come off funny, which it should have, because calling it the “undefined” title is a pretty big blunder.

* Morrison has effectively retired Jericho so Chris can go on tour with Fozzy and promote his book. That starhip pain looked stiff. Weird promo in the back witht hose two afterward that cracked me up. Lot’s of silence and staring off and a general surreal lack of genuine interraction.

* Miz keeps gettting better witht his work and his promos, but he is just missing that certain “pop.” Bryan’s calm style is actually a pretty good contrast to most people’s promos in the Fed, but he definitely needs some work. His timing seems off with his humor, and he needs just a little more fire when he switches gears, but the whole “I might not be this or that, but I can out-wrestle you” angle was well written and decently delivered. Letting him put Riley in the LaBell lock was a good call and a good way to end the segment.

* Edge beat Khali 3 times. Edge outthinking Khali was a decent idea to get over Edge beign a “thinking” heel, but the idea really got lost by all of the additional booking in the match. I agree with Cole, Khali eliminated himself the second time. However, harping on it just makes you look sophmoric and WCW-esque. Once Lawlor gives the way out that you have to be “eliminated,” you have to let it go. The third loss just seemed lost and stupid. The bit was a good use of Edge and Khali, but the end result just fizzled.

* Speaking of fizzled, Darren Young came back! Yay! And his big revengeful move against his former team leader… was to smile and talk. Just… weak.

* Orton hit 4 RKOs in a row. I get that you want him to be the next SCSA, but booking wise, he just doesn’t read the same. Austin is chaotic good. Orton is a lawful heel. How is it that no one can sake their save vs. RKO? Darren Young should have seen it coming, he was gettign in the ring with Orton. Sheamus and Edge DEFINITELY lost credibility as they should have been smart enough to not get in the ring. EDGE JUST HAD A MATCH ESTABLISHING THAT HE WAS A THINKING HEEL AND SHEAMUS HAD YOUR BELT.At least they didn’t feed him Cena, who he faces next week as a result of this match, maintaining that there is a semblance of face/heel dynamic.

Next week, RAW roulette returns. I heard this year they are doing it Chatroulette style, so expect to see a lot of wang.

-Ryan

I cannot bring myself to actually watch Monday Night RAW these days. Instead, I like to imagine what happens each week. Sometimes these hallucinatory wrestling programs are fairly standard, but lately they have been kind of strange. I bring you a compilation of the most recent saga. I bring you the War Of The Jorts.

09/07/2010

Raw opens back stage, with producers and agents running around half insane. Sheamus is walking around with his belt and he stops Arn Anderson.

Sheamus: Hey fella, what’s all this hubbub about?

Arn: Cena missed his flight, Sheamus. We don’t have a main event for tonight’s show without John.

Sheamus: Look here, fella, I am the WWE World Champion! I will wrestle the main event. Who was his opponent supposed to be?

Arn: No one special, just… Wade Barrett!

Sheamus: No way, fella! I ain’t wrestling that Barrett fella tonight!

Arn: Oh, yes you are! Unless Cena shows up, of course…

Sheamus: Don’t worry, Ole. I’ll be finding that John Cena fella forthwith.

Arn: Forthwith?

Throughout the show, Sheamus is seen calling frantically for John Cena, trying to get him to the arena. When main event time rolls around, Wade Barrett comes to the ring, and the Nexus surround it. Cena’s music hits, but he does not come out. A camera backstage reveals Sheamus leading a guy in a t-shirt and jorts to the ring.

Sheamus: Hurry up, fella! You got a match tonight!

“Cena”: What? I…

Sheamus: Shut up and get out to the ring, fella!

Cena’s music hits again and out comes… some guy in a Cena shirt and jorts, but it is not John Cena. Sheamus pushes him to the ring, grinning all the while. The fake Cena gets in the ring and looks confused. Wade shrugs and then proceeds to annihilate the newcomer. Sheamus is all grins until the Nexus proceed to jump him, too.

Before the show ends, cameras in the back catch Cena walking in and dropping his bag.

Cena: Did I miss anything?

Arn: Nah.

Fade to black.

Can we all take a moment to bask in the greatness that is Alberto del R-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-rio? I’ll also take this moment to bask in my total wrongness, thinking this guy would be around for three weeks then be back in Mexico. I am going to go as far as to say I think this guy may have a world title in his future.

I can’t remember the last time a guy threw himself into a character as thoroughly as del Rio has. He exudes asshole-ness in a way that he wants to be despised. I love that. I chuckle every time the guy gets out of his car and starts smiling at people with that look like, “Can you believe this fucking car, you pieces of shit?” I’m not certain everyone at CTL agrees with this assessment, and that’s OK. It’s my fucking review, damn it. But yeah, del Rio? Awesome, awesome, awesome.

We opened with a huge party for del Rio to celebrate his eradication of that burro Rey Mysterio. His words, not mine. He had champagne, weird finger foods, a piñata. It was gold. Christian interrupted and did some comedy that wasn’t piss annoying (because he knows how not to overdo it, unlike, say, John Cena and Big Show) and set up what looks like a program between the two. I like that idea. Christian is as solid a guy to break in del Rio to WWE’s style as anyone, and their matches are bound to be decent. If they’re not, well, then del Rio could be in some trouble because Christian can have a good match with anyone. But I think it’ll work out fine.

After the Christian promo, Drew McIntyre attacked him from behind. From what I read, McIntyre apparently wiped the fuck out climbing over the dasher boards. I love it. Obviously that was edited out, and since his huge debut, Drew’s stock has fallen faster than BP’s, and he didn’t spill a shitload of oil into the Gulf. He did get into a huge fight with his now-fired wife Tiffany (who owns and controls his penis, we understand), so he’s back in the doghouse. Christian won with a rollup, and Drew was back to just being a dude who’s nailing Tiffany. There has to be tons of those dudes.

The other main angle this week involved the Undertaker/Kane feud that, lucky us, we’ll have to endure through Hell in a Cell. Oh no. Kane cut another wacky promo at the end, going on and fucking on, and it didn’t end until Undertaker arrived to smear shit on the thing. Not literally. This is a PG show after all. Pretty sure he CAN do that when they get to SyFy. But yeah, they announced these two will do battle at Night of Champions, so there you go. You’re paying for this match again. Lucky you.

We also had the next step in the dissolution of the Straight Edge Society. You know, WWE, there should be a hyphen between Straight and Edge. Those modify Society, and … oh fuck it. Big Show took on Luke Gallows and CM Punk, who has a pretty elaborate new chest tattoo design going. Not to be gay and shit, but I looked closely at the work, and it doesn’t seem to be done yet. A lot needs colored in, but that looks like it’s going to take a bitch of a long time. I should know. Gah, that has to hurt. I wouldn’t want to take any chops the week I’d have my chest filled in. Yeow! Anyhow, Gallows tapped to this weird chinlock thing, and Punk gave him the GTS. Not sure how they’ll write Joey Mercury out of this. He has an injury that’ll put him out 6 months. Maybe that’s how they’ll do it. Punk will dismiss him for being a pussy who can’t handle a little surgery.

Other shit! The burial of Matt Hardy, which amuses me to no end, continued. He’s as big a dumb shit as his brother. He goes on the Internet and constantly bitches about how WWE uses him. Dude, seriously, you think that’s helping? Maybe he’s trying to get fired. If so, sure, he’ll go to TNA. Because they’ve done such a smashing job capitalizing on Jeff’s popularity from 2009. I don’t know that another person has catapulted to the realms of insignificance faster than Jeff Hardy. Of course, maybe Matt is a close second. He lost to Cody Rhodes, who’s actually getting better on the stick. The mic, I mean. He blasted poor Matt for being fat and being stuck in ’90s Hot Topic fashion. So true.

There was a women’s match, but I fast forwarded. Oh, did you hear they cut the 6-foot-9 girl already? I mean, TNA passed on her. That’s a good indication she isn’t worth hiring, because TNA will hire anyone. Oh, except for Roderick Strong, who they thought didn’t play to the crowd enough. Wow. Enjoy going out of business, TNA. Not because they didn’t hire Strong. But because they make terrible decisions.

A quick note on NXT. What the fuck was with that finish? Remember the initial Nexus attack when no one was given any prior warning as to what was going to happen nor any concrete instructions? Remember how Daniel Bryan got fired over it? Um, that’s the story, anyway. But I still think the Montreal Screwjob was a work, too. So … WWE learned nothing, then? I mean, Alex Riley attacked that weird black guy. Percy Watson? Seriously, that justified Riley not winning this shit. What a dumb fuck. That was major league dumb-ass shit, worse than TNA, worse than your run-of-the-mill indie, worse than Michael Jackson. I was morbidly excited for the post-NXT 3 attack, when that huge girl would go wild and fucking cripple someone. Now, nothing. Can’t wait to see the ratings for that season, by the way. Unless there’s some lesbian shit going on, no one’s watching. I might not even watch if there was.

OK, we’re all done here. College football begins, and what the hell is better than that? Also, we’re playing the new Stargazer album “A Great Work of Ages.” Really good, perplexing, occult death metal. It’s like Portal, only with the genius not buried under a cloud of thunder. Aussie metal’s basically awesome right now. So sure, why not? Go get yourself a drink.

– Brian

Mick Foley had a cult following of fat kids who loved the way he stood out from the norm and they sang his praises to everyone.

Kevin Smith had a cult following of fat kids who loved the way he stood out from the norm and they sang his praises to everyone.

Mick Foley started as an independent wrestler, making $20 or less a night while having critically acclaimed matches.

Kevin Smith started as an independent filmmaker, making Clerks for $27,575, which was a critically acclaimed movie.

Mick Foley struggled in the mainstream world of WCW, escaping to do more art in ECW.

Kevin Smith struggled with the mainstream making Mallrats, escaping to make the artier Chasing Amy.

Mick Foley is a writer, well-spoken, loves porn and married a much hotter woman than he has any right to be married to.

Kevin Smith is a writer, well-spoken, loves porn and married a much hotter woman than he has any right to be married to.

Mick Foley had a great career, retired, yet came back to WWE several times to diminishing returns.

Kevin Smith had a great career, stopped making movies set in New Jersey, yet came back to those characters to diminishing returns.

Mick Foley has written several books, each less enjoyable than the first, including Tietam Brown, in which the main character’s dad gets naked, drinks beer and lifts weights in front of him all at the same time. I’m not lying.

Kevin Smith has written several comic books, each less enjoyable than the first, including a recent issue of Batman where Batman pissed his pants. I’m not lying.

Mick Foley went to TNA, where they aren’t confident to put him in matches, as he meets more and more critical derision.

Kevin Smith went on to direct Cop Out, a movie so bad his name isn’t even used in the TV commercials as he meets more and more critical derision.

Mick Foley is from New York. Kevin Smith is from nearby New Jersey.

Mick Foley named his son for a cartoon duck. Kevin Smith named his daughter for a cartoon crazy woman.

Mick Foley uses self-deprecating humor about his looks and his growing weight.

Kevin Smith uses self-deprecating humor about his looks and his growing weight, which is growing to the point that he was kicked off a plane.

Mick Foley got so mad about a sign in the crowd at ECW, he cut a famous promo about it.

Kevin Smith was so upset about reviews on IMDB, he made Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back about it.

Mick Foley is often found at comic book conventions, selling his autograph.

Kevin Smith is often found at comic book conventions, selling his autograph.

Mick Foley worked for Vince McMahon, a noted asshole who he nonetheless had a good relationship with.

Kevin Smith worked for Harvey Weinstein, a noted asshole who he nonetheless had a good relationship with.

Sam Panico used to love the work of Mick Foley and Kevin Smith, and has been horribly let down by both of them.

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