Noah, Sam and Deek review WWA: The Inception

What is wrong with us?

Have we run out of things to do? To watch? To learn?

Here we are, in a dark room, watching the first WWA PPV on a fucking laptop.

Let’s just do this.

What was the WWA, you may ask?

Wiki: “The World Wrestling All-Stars (WWA) was a professional wrestling promotion founded by Australian concert promoter Andrew McManus in 2001. The promotion was operated by McManus’ International Touring Company. WWA was one of several promotions to come into existence shortly after the closings of Extreme Championship Wrestling (ECW) and World Championship Wrestling (WCW). The company was in existence from October 2001 to May 2003.”

Here’s the short version: did you love Vince Russo WCW? Then you’re both a fucking asshole and going to enjoy this.

The show start with the Australian national anthem, Advance Australia Fair. Some lyrics?

Australians all let us rejoice,
For we are young and free;
We’ve golden soil and wealth for toil;
Our home is girt by sea;
Our land abounds in nature’s gifts
Of beauty rich and rare;
In history’s page, let every stage
Advance Australia Fair.

The girls singing it were in spandex and neon colors. None of them should have been in spandex.

The show starts and people are showing up late like crazy. APT. Aboriginal People’s Time.

Of course, every promotion needs a commissioner, so here comes Bret Hart. We argued whether or not this was pre or post stroke. We looked up that it was pre-stroke, but man. He keeps saying, “my belt” over and over. Seriously, we thought the stroke came later, but we think we’re watching the stroke right now. That’s how bad this is. He then shits all over Austin, the Rock and even Chris Benoit. What a sad, pre-stroke Bret.

Deek: “It seems like Bret is a big fan of the passive voive. I am a stroke, not I am having a stroke, for example.”

Juventud Guerrera vs. Psicosis
Remember back in the day when Jackie Murray brought these dudes to PWX? We couldn’t tell if Juventud had old man skin or was wearing a mesh shirt. Surprise. It’s mesh, with the arms there and no chest, like the way an old man would pull his t-shirt back when he’s cutting the grass.

Noah: “We should just say, “I drink your milkshake,” or there will be blood. Because this show seems like the kind of show where everyone is going to get color.”

And then, Psicosis juiced. This match was like when you first buy a WWE game and just want to use all the weapons. The kids, it seems, liked it, but it’s hard to tell because Jeremy Borash and Jerry Lawler (who is here because his girlfriend got fired and he wanted to show solidarity, but she ended up showing pictures of her blowing one of the Dupps and now she’s married to Kizarny) are doing live commentary over the PA. Also: they brought machines that make fake noise for cheering, which if you don’t have TV and people already bought your tickets, we have no idea why you’d need.

Nathan Jones then shows up in a limo, because WCW had limos.

They don’t have Nitro girls. They have WWA Stunettes. That’s on someone’s resume.

The tournament for the WWA title is a Seven Deadly Sins tournament. That means each match will be a gimmick match, which seems to be a good way to get over the strength of your new title.

Konnan vs. Road Dogg
Both guys talk back back forth and forth on the mic. Konnan also brought the Mexican title with him, which just seems like a belt he made up. He also had a crowbar hidden in his gear the entire match, which amazed every single one of us, because he actually did some spots with a crowbar that big down his pants. It’s all for naught, as the D-O-double G gets the four corners and that’s not the same as doing a real job, brother.

In case you wonder why wrestling sucks now more than before, it’s thinking like that. Gimmick matches were for blow offs and had definite finishes that killed angles off and guys had to come back from them. That’s why they didn’t happen, oh, seven times a show.

Devon Storm vs. Norman Smiley
Noah: “Does he hear voices in his his head? Is that why he screams? Does he have demons?”

Any hardcore match that ends with the guy doing the move getting hurt and the guy taking the pin being the guy who took the move, well, you’re not doing it right.

Disco Inferno has been asking for security all night, so he gets the Fruits in Suits, who are supposed to be the Bananas in Pajamas. Looks. It was Australia in the 2000s. Don’t fucking ask.

Bret Hart opens the WWA Battle Royale to any employee, so Stevie Ray, who up until now had been interviewing people, jumps in the ring. Guess what? Whoever wins this match moves on in the tournament. So an interview girl, Lawler, Jeremy Borash, a cameraman, they all get involved. The Fruits in Suits turn on Disco, but not before he hits the Village People Elbow, which is the People’s Elbow with YMCA in it.

The next match is a Guitar on a Pole match, which would seem to favor Jeff Jarrett, wouldn’t you think? If you said, “I bet Jeff Jarrett kills the local hero, who is three foot taller than him, then also hits the owner of the company with a guitar and goes over clean,” you are obviously clued in to what booking Jeff Jarrett in the 2000s was all about.

Remember when he wore a shirt that said, “Don’t piss me off?” We always preferred this one:
DSCN1562_zpse0f0a107

Road Dogg vs. Lenny/Lodi
Juventud is too hurt from his match, so Road Dogg will take on Lenny and Lodi in this encounter. The storyline of this match was that one team was gay and the Road Dogg was straight and Australia was a prison colony so no one really got the joke.

Buff Bagwell vs. Jeff Jarrett
This is a “Tits, Whips and Buff” match. No, I am not making that up.

Noah: “In Virtual Pro, his fake name should be Biff “The Thing” Bigwell.”

I doubt there is a match that could make me hate pro wrestling as much as this.

At this point, Disco Inferno threw one of the Bananas In Pajamas off a cage. The fact that I wrote this sentence is a testament to the power of this site.

Scott Steiner also showed up.

Jeff Jarrett vs. Road Dogg
I have no idea who won, except that, well, Jeff Jarrett got the belt to no one’s surprise. So you know, if you think his new promotion is going to save wrestling, I would (we would) point you back here to this here PPV. Also: Bret Hart attacked Jeff. Also: Bret Hart no sells Strokes, so this is a natural feud.

This review can’t get any better after that joke.

Want to put yourself through hell? Watch it right here!

PS – I realize the video is down. Trust me. You don’t want to fucking see it.

Noah’s ebay finds: What the fuck is this?

Seriously, this is the weirdest thing ever.

$_57

$_57-2

$_57-1

It’s listed as RARE! WCW TNA Wrestling Champ Sting on Rocket Space Ship Latex Rubber Mask Hat. The listing says, “Acquired at an estate sale is this very rare hard to find WCW & TNA Wrestling Champ Wrester Sting latex rubber hat. I thought it was Alice Cooper but now a huge Alice Cooper fan has informed me that it might be the wrestler Sting. After some research it appears to be Sting and not Alice Cooper. Unable to find another latex hat mask like this at all. Still with some dust on it from the prior owner as I did not clean it because I am not sure of the care instructions for vintage latex rubber. Colors are great, no pealing, cracks, tears, holes, etc… to the colors or the actual latex. Measures about 7 ¼ inches tall and 14 inches long. Because it is so flexible it is difficult to get a complete accurate measurement. The opening is about 7 ½ inches by 10 ¼ inches. Possibly a vintage Don Post Studio mask. My research has not found another one like this. There are no hallmarks as to the maker, age, country or region of origin, etc…”

It’s listed as $250 start, $1250 buy it now.

Seriously. What the hell is this?

RAW is never getting laid. Like… EVER!

I feel like we all got to see a picture of my from 7th grade in lieu of RAW last night. So much comedy material. Where do you begin. It’s like all the jabs and insults just bottleneck up and you just sit there silently. The hair? The glasses? The stupid smile, just telling you that it will be years before he ever touches a boob? It is just all too much.

It was the start of the RAW season. Is that really that big a deal on a show that doesn’t take weeks off or show reruns? Chikara runs as seasons as well, but they take breaks and have stories resolve within said season. At the start of this season, we are in the middle of all of the storylines. That makes you look like a poorly run TV show, not a more legitimate one. I get that someone in marketing realized they could use that as a meaningless buzzword (Corinthian Leather! Free Range!), but it has no gravitas within context of this show.

Chris Jericho and Bray Wyatt are settling their feud tonight in a steel cage, after building to this match by not having them work each other in a few weeks. I think they were in a 5 on 5 on Smackdown? Anyway, they had a cage match so that they could set up the end of the show (or so it felt). Jericho did a snazzy house show dive off the top of the cage. Well, as house show as it can be form 20 feet up. The finish made fuck all for sense. If you are going to snake the win out from under Jericho, then have him get duped, not just be too dumb to roll and fall to the ground. So Jericho has a bad knee and gets tooken (pronounced Took-hen) out by Orton because Randy wanted to. I am fine with using Jericho’s departure to give someone some steam, but I don’t get why it was Orton. It felt very forced.

Appropriate for Randy.

Look, the Miz doesn’t draw. You can add every bell or whistle you want to a 2×4, but a the end of the day all you have is a well-adorned piece of wood. I have stated he could be there many times… but he is not. This is a better use of Sandow than it is of Miz, and that is saying something. Ziggler can’t get him over. Sandow can’t get him over. Clearly staged pictures can’t get him over. To me, the bigger issue is that Miz never gets over on his opponents, he just escapes. IT doesn’t make him a threat at all, it makes him a geek.

Paige and AJ were tagging against it doesn’t matter, which is sad because Nattie should matter. This was all about the title hunter and the title holder tagging and anTAGonizing each other. HAHAHA! See what I did there? Stuck the landing! Anyway, they are still doing that “tension that makes you think they are going to bone” angle, so that gives Punk a reason to tune in.

Cena, the #1 face of the company, told Paul Heyman, a non-wrestling mouthpiece, that he will beat the shit out of him if the champ isn’t here next week (Did it again! Two for two!) He also said he loves being him and he won’t change just to have a title. Decent face promo (and the plot of The Dark Knight,) followed by a curiously heelish promo. Bullying an out of shape, 60 year old man who isn’t a wrestler isn’t very face. I am sure Noah loved it.

That NXT match was great for what it was: an elevator speech about why you should watch NXT. Adrian Neville is an impressive little ball of motion. He is what the WWE wants Matt Cross to be. Sami Zayne is amazing in how he puts together what he does. Kidd has been underutilized for so long; it is good to see him finally get to be a bigger fish, even if it is in a smaller pond. With some time, Tyler Breeze could be a top heel. I think he already does the gimmick better than Miz.

Oh, I forgot. Cesaro got to have a match without being in a match. He watched Sheamus and Rollins have a match and fuck is it hard for me to remember his as Rollins. I want to call him Tyler Black. But anyway, the idea is that Cesaro distracts Sheamus, then gets in and beats on Sheamus and then will have a match with Sheamus. Sheamus hasn’t learned to not get distracted by other people and pays the price this week.

Side note: Everyone in Pittsburgh popped for this -

Fella!
Taken from Grantland

Man, if Jerry Springer can’t calm down feuding fashion model sisters, what hope is there for humanity? The Bellas are still terrible actresses and probably people. They have a brother? Anyway, they tackle Jerry and the brother takes a slap and Stephanie and Jerry get caught smiling and laughing while he is on the mat hurt. They built the shit out of this and who cares about it? Did that put a single ass in a seat or in front of a TV? Besides Dan Bryan, I mean.

The Dust Brothers are great. No two ways around it. I hope they get the straps. I also hope they build another team so they can have someone to work.

Also, I am guessing that the Bunny is building to a big reveal. Any guesses? I hope not Zack Ryder, as I have never seen him do a super kick or splash. I would love for it to be Punk, but he ain’t coming back. I think the WWE has all his stuff on clearance at the moment. It needs to be someone established; an NXT guy would just kill it.

We end with Orton and Reigns having a match that involved Orton being a master of reversals and counters, a multi person run in, weapons, a rushed steel cage, about 5 reversals of fortune and no one remembering that the steel cage had a door until it was convenient. You need to get Reigns in with someone who has some personality so he can learn how to work with a crowd. He won’t get that from Orton.

Maybe the bunny?

-Ryan