A few hours before RAW goes to air, Daniel Bryan, set to make his return to RAW, finds out his father died. He says he will take care of business first and will be on RAW. I wondered just how involved he would be. As it turns out, the correct answer was “just enough.”
He came out, obviously struggling to keep his game face on. He Does a YES chant, gets met in the ring by his new wife, and then Stephanie McMahon comes out and tells him that he will get torn apart by Kane. They now refer to Kane as “Demon Kane” to differentiate him from “Corporate Kane,” despite the fact that it is the same man and the only difference is how he acts and what he wears. I am not dictated by my fashion choices (thank god,) I don’t get why Kane is.
Or why he has hair on his mask.
Anyway, Kane hits a bunch of piledrivers on D. Bry and he gets stretchered out with Brie Bella looking mildly bored over his unconscious body. Your husband of 2 weeks gets the awake beaten out of him in front of you (while defending you) and you can’t muster some tears? Thus, they set a match for the PPV and got Daniel Bryan off TV for a week or two.
Without ever mentioning the passing of Bryan’s father, we go on to the IC tournament. Sheamus gets to take on the revitalized Wade Barrett. I guess they are keeping the “Bad News” moniker, which is fine. I was surprised how much I liked this match. I do find it odd when they run through their previous finishing moves to try and get a win. Isn’t there a reason you abandoned them? Anyway, they trade off a few finishers before Barrett interrupts a dive with the Bullhammer for the win. I will say I don’t like that Cole keeps trying to change the names of moves and make them wordier. Not sure if he is doing that or getting fed the lines in his earpiece, but it is the Bullhammer, not the Bad News Bullhammer. Barrett moves on, which surprised me. I didn’t think they would give him the duke over Sheamus for his push. Clearly, I was wrong.
Hornswoggle is now a heel? He is part of 3MB? The fuck have I missed? Shouldn’t they be 3.5MB now? Anyway, it has beena while since they did anything with Midgets, so they have Hornswoggle and El Torito work each other now. Plus they get to throw in regular sized people to add some humor to it all. See, it’s funny because they are so small compared to us normal sized folks! I think there was a winner? I remember them doing the seated senton drop thing? I remember Hornswoggle looking mad.
Evolution is reformed and it comes at the cost of Trips’ voice. He sounds like he auditioned to replace Corpsegrinder in Cannibal Corpse. I didn’t really follow what he was saying. We disappointed our parents by getting beat up? No shit. My dad still addresses all my Christmas gifts to “His Little Faggot.” I think he is trying to be accepting? Anyway, they growl a lot and Shield come out and Evolution runs to the top of the stage, get backup from all of the heels (for some reason?) and cut ANOTHER promo. Really, why would Rusev have their back? Anyway, Evolution shows ass and runs, setting up their 6-man at Extreme Rules.
They finally are pulling the trigger on the Rhodes Brothers feud. It was smart to keep them together through Wrestlemania. I t was dumb to do that and then not have them in a match at Mania, but what do I know? Anyway, they get a match against he tag team champs, fail, and then Cody storms out of the ring. Don’t do a slow turn. If everything is fine next week between Cody and Golddust at the start of next week (or Smackdown,) it just won’t work. It hasn’t worked for years. You put the whiff of the team turning in the air and everyone just waits for it instead of watching the matches. If you are trying to stretch this out, you could have Cody no-show?
Oh yeah, Rybaxel was on commentary and jumped the champs. So that is something to which you can look forward.
Layla is hot. I’d hit it. There was a match, but honestly all my notes say on this match are “Please have a boob pop out” and a bunch of drawings of boners.
Seriously. Just a whole page of boners.
Heyman came out and is doing a promo where he just keeps talking about Brock Lesner beating UT. They had him do it through a commercial. Then his old protégé, RVD, comes out to take on his new protégé, Cesaro, for the IC match. Being that a heel won the other side of the bracket, it seems like this would have to be a face. However, Cesaro has be getting the push and he isn’t entirely heel. Cesaro gets distracted by Zeb Coulter and Jack Swagger and RVD wins the match because he just doesn’t give a fuck. Swagger teases doing a big swing and it never happens, leaving the crowd to want to see it. Despite the confusing heel/face dynamics, it was an ok match. RVD seems to be going through the motions of his spots, but it is TV and not the title match yet. Cesaro and Swagger will meet. RVD and Barrett will meet. Layla’s butthole and my balls should meet.
Sorry. That went too far. Being part Jewish, I can’t delete past Passover. That wouldn’t be, to use a term from my Jewish forefathers, “kvlt.”
Aksana is a moped.
Rusev tosses Sin Cara around like my dog does one of her toys: Easily and with an inherent joy. I like that they are defining him with a slightly different style. I still don’t like the Camel Clutch on him and I miss having his name in Cyrillic. Sin Cara is good fodder for him. Lana was an actress, so I bet she has no idea what life on the road is like. She will end up burned out or catching a case of the pregnant eventually. Enjoy those miniskirts and cruelty while they last.
The overriding message I got from the main event was that the Cenation has turned on John. They voted him into a handicapped match. He looked disheartened. They can’t ever turn him heel. It makes no business sense. Anyway, the Wyatt family beat on him, he gets his superman comeback and then DQ finish to spare him out and out beating three guys at the same time and killing their gimmick. It ends with Cena eating a Sister Abigail (not “The Kiss from Sister Abigail,” Cole) and Bray sitting in the ring getting everyone to half heartedly sign “He’s got the whole world in his hands.” I imagine the WWE wanted it to be thunderingly loud. It wasn’t. Not sure if they tried to sweeten the sound or not, but it didn’t sound as impressive as I assume they were looking for.