Summer Slam notes

Jon Stewart started this all off. And out came Mick Foley. In any other room of wrestling fans, dudes would be losing their shit. In our house, no one gave a shit. No one gave a fuck.

Sheamus vs. Randy Orton
You know when you have to grind and level up a character in a game and keep fighting the same boring guys over and over again? That was this match. Randy Orton is technically proficient and a great worker. He also hasn’t changed in ten years and is on the other side of the Cena paradigm. Cena has at least added new moves and tried to work with and grow new people. Orton took pills strong enough to shut off Great Khali’s legs (true story). Sheamus looks like a fucking moron. Orton still punches the mat and goes to that rapey place. Two dudes, lost in a sea of a rapidly changing world that refuses to change. Sheamus won with two kicks, clean jizzle.

Every tag team ever vs. the rest of the tag teams
For a match that no one should give a shit about, this was nearly everyone’s match of the night. My wife (read that as “mah wahf”) likes New Day because they dress like Destiny’s Child before they were super big. Their dancing at the end and Big E’s ill-advised fall through the ropes and the chance that everyone could die at any moment made this much more entertaining than anything else on the show. Or just about.

Rusev vs. Ziggler
Let me say it right now: I do not give a fuck about Dolph. He oversells, he can’t cut a believable promo and he dresses like the worst parts of the 80s. He’s a cipher, someone I can’t believe in no matter how many times people tell me he’s a great wrestler. Maybe I’m just jealous that he fucked Amy Schumer. No, I’m solid on this. I don’t think much of him. Rusev is now just another dude. And if this was ECW, those girls would have had breasts falling out and whatnot. This whole storyline is a waste and a double count out is an even bigger waste. Fuck this match.

Stephen Amell/Neville vs. Stardust/King Barrett
My dog took a shit during this match. It was black and shiny and almost like a rock. They showed me the finish and it was fine. But my dog shitting was beating this whole show.

Ryback vs. Big Show vs. The Miz
I went and got Mad Mex during this match. It was poor, at best. The order was wrong. Somewhere in here, Ryback won. I wish I could care about this more. I’m sorry, internet people.

Wyatt/Harper vs. Ambrose/Reigns
And another match that you couldn’t pay me to watch. The Shield meant a lot once. But now? Wyatt meant a lot at one time, too. Now?

Cena vs. Rollins
Holy shit, the finish. Jon Stewart was all like, “You fuckers want me to run a debate? I’m gonna shit on my legacy as America’s smartest liberal by doing the professional wrestling business!” And he did. He fucking did. He totally needs to bleed a fucking gusher tonight and cut a fiery promo promising blood in return. Don’t take one eye. Rollins doing the dead lift, Cena doing the stupid ass stunner that will be impossible to do in WWE2K16, all that.

Many ladies wrestle
This whole Divas revolution shit…they should have just reaired the match from NXT. But no, we had this and it was, well, it was what it was.

Owens vs. Cesaro
Noah is the face of the true fan. Never seeing Owens before, he said, “Nice look. Did he go to K-Mart for those shorts?” And that was that. It was a fine match that seemed to go on forever and Owens had to win and at one point Cesaro won that Andre Battle Royale and look at today. Wrestling has passed me by because I had no idea why Cesaro wears headphones to the ring. T-shirt vs. abs? T-shirts fucking win. Fat fuck senton for life.

Undertaker vs. Bork Lazer
The biggest dude with no ears nor neck vs. the oldest dead man ever in a worked MMA contest with a fuck finish after four hours of promising it will all be over soon. Seven suplexes, three F5s, Undertaker passing out backstage, Lesnar pissing blood numerous times, middle fingers and then…fuck. FUCK. SummerFest, night of the fuck finishes and British Bulldog is going to win whether he wants to or not.

The best part was them laughing at each other like assholes. It was way better than Mania, but this time, Undertaker didn’t get knocked out a few second into it.

And there you have it.

On the subject of Hulk Hogan…

Hulk Hogan is a racist.

Yes, shockingly, a 61-year-old man from Southern Florida is a racist, saying racist things as he discussed his daughter’s career and failing marriage while fucking his best friend’s wife on video while said friend watched because he liked being cuckolded.

There’s also the matter of erased material in the tapes that was hidden from the FBI during the investigation, stuff so damaging that Nick Denton, the head of Gawker, said that “There will be a third act which we believe will center on the real story, the additional recordings held by the FBI, the information in them that is Hulk Hogan’s real secret, and irregularities in the records which indicate some sort of cover-up.”

But if you’re a wrestling fan – I should say if you’re the kind of fan who reads this site beyond just being a wrestling fan – you’re not surprised.

I mean, stories for years have circulated about wrestlers like Dick Murdoch being in the KKK. And with a name like Killer Karl Krupp, sure, you can assume some things. After all, this is the industry that gave us Kamala (and Kimala), Saba Simba, Ole Anderson calling Sonny King “boy,” Junkyard Dog not being booked by Louisiana promoters no matter how much money he could make for them and so many more instances.

Want more? Sure. Just watch any Jesse Ventura promo on Tito Santana. Or Roddy Piper calling Mr. T’s fans’ monkeys. Virgil’s whole career. Wrestling itself is based on stereotypes and archetypes and playing those stereotypes against one another, using what we know of those stereotypes to get heat and draw money.

It doesn’t make it right.

The war against Japan ended in 1945, but Japanese heels were still called Mr. and threw salt way into the 1990s. Nazi heels kept wrestling until the 1970s and then turned face. Some of them even had kids who became huge babyfaces. White heels made fun of Mexican fans calling them wetbacks and border jumpers as recently as, well, probably yesterday.

Vince McMahon used the “n” word, too.

These are all defenses that I’ve seen.

But it doesn’t make it right.

The difference: all of these people (well, Murdoch withstanding) were playing characters. Again, it doesn’t make it right. But it was within the context of the strange reality unreality passion play that is wrestling.

I’m not blameless. My first wrestling character was Masahiro Panic, a kid who turned his back on America because he loved Japan so much more. I was told to change this gimmick by a well-known trainer and promoter because, “No one is gonna believe a fat wop like you is Japanese.”

The first show I wrestled on in Japan, I was a heel and the poster for the first show was a giant mushroom cloud with my face over it.

That certainly wasn’t right. Then again, I wasn’t wrestling for the Yakuza and in no position to complain or demand a switch. I could barely speak the language.

Anyways, we got off track. We’re here to talk about Hulk Hogan. Not Terry Bollea, because that person is gone. Hulk has been Hulk for years. This is the same guy who claimed that Elvis used to watch his matches in Memphis, despite the fact that Hogan wrestled there in 1979 and Elvis died (allegedly) in 1977. That he turned down a contract to be in the first UFC, that he was offered the bass position in Metallica, that he missed the Foreman Grill contract by a phone call…

And it’s also the guy that was booked on Arsenio Hall to tell the world he did use steroids and lied, saying he only used them once.

And it’s also the guy who called his son in jail and talked about how they could spin this into something to make money. (And yes, again, I am not blameless, as I have listened to this call so many times I can recite it word for word.) Who said his son’s friend probably deserved to get hurt, to get part of his head cut out and be a near vegetable for life because he made some bad choices, brother.

And it’s also the guy who was fucking his best friend’s wife while his best friend probably was one hand watching and took a break to talk about some really racist – at worst – and ill-advised – at best – things.

As I read Facebook, I see so many people complaining. This person uses the “n” word. This person has, too. And this person can, so why can’t we? Why can’t Hulk?

I’m a white, CIS male that does my best to understand privilege and may not subscribe to political correctness, but certainly subscribes to politeness, and my answer is, no one should say that word. Certainly not a white guy, in bed with his best friend’s wife, while he’s being video taped.

So for WWE, Mattel, 2K games to drop him, of course they have to.

Does he need a Benoit style whitewash out of history? Jury is out there. It’s been a week or so, you know? Iron Sheik routinely says that kind of thing and worse on the reg, but he’s Sheik.

And it doesn’t make it right.

Hulk Hogan was a hero, someone presented to a generation of kids as the best of what America could be. Sure, a lot of that was predetermined outcomes, PEDs and carny manipulation, but there’s nothing like saying that everything someone was told throughout their childhood is a lie to make people question reality.

But what do I know? My hero got knifed in a shower in 1988.