How do you solve a problem like Maria?

Seriously. Every time I start to write this, that is how my mind decides to begin. No idea why. I blame my mom.

We open with an ambulance. Pop Question: Want to know how to completely devalue a pay-per-view entitled “Extreme Rules?” How about having a MORE EXTREME match the PPV immediately after? Why have a Last Man Standing at Extreme Rules if you are going to have an Ambulance Match at Payback? You have made the “Extreme” PPV just another name instead of the theme you are trying to build around it. Imagine if The Rock and Cena had a title match at Extreme Rules: Wouldn’t that remove the special quality of Wrestlemania if it could happen at any time?

Ryback says Cena didn’t really defend his title because he had to be carried out of the ring. There was no winner, so they shelve the face and let the heel run their mouth to build some heat. I can’t say I am a fan of this type of match, but there have to be fans of it, right? No? That is what I thought. Anyway, this is how they start pitching the next PPV: With a match that seems really hard to sell to the public in the prime slot.

They capitalized on Fandango being popular online, so now they need you to hate him. He doesn’t need to be bad, he needs to be detestable. So they are having him team with Wade Barrett to take on Jericho and Miz. Fandango doesn’t care about anything other than himself in the match, posing on the ring apron, talking to Summer and then interrupting the match to announce that he will do some dancing. I liked that both faces and heel looked at him, confused. Miz wins with the figure four and then Jericho chases Fandango out of the arena. He runs through he crowd, abandoning Summer. Jericho flirts with her and then gives her a pie face and a laugh as he leaves. It’s a good idea in theory: Guys don’t hate dancing, they don’t care about dancing. They hate dancers. Focus on not liking Fandango, not Dancing with the Stars.

Mark Henry got beat. So who is next in line to battle Sheamus? Titus O’Neal, of course. It’s a battle of Irish names! The announcers make up some excuse about how Titus is Henry’s training partner. Even if this is true, you need to establish it before making it a motivating factor. Otherwise, it just comes off like a convenient lie to make the story work. Sheamus treats him like a $5000 shirt: He’s worn out and then quickly put away. They kept Titus looking somewhat strong, but ultimately you knew that he was going to lose.

Paul Heyman added someone to his roster. Before he came out, I laughed and said to myself “Watch it be Joe Henning. No one has seen him in a while.”

Fuck me and my rotten brain.

He has been re-christened ”Curtis Axel,” which is an awkward name. I get it; you are finally admitting that he has a wrestling pedigree. But.. Why not Axel Curtis? It’s not great, but it is better than the inverse. Joe has apparently been loading up on the good stuff since leaving RAW. The audience booed and then was silent. No one gave a shit. Heyman spun it and did well with his promo, but still: You are trying to sell us the Age of McGillicutty 2.0. Heyman can sell anything. This is a test to that idea.

Who comes out to try and save the bit? HHH. He lost to Brock Lesner and is all badass, threatening a manager and a rookie wrestler. Your front office face, ladies and gentlemen. He came out to beat the crap out of Paul Heyman because he lost to an actual wrestler, so why not rough up the manager. Alex steps in the way and just doesn’t come off like a badass at all. You look at this match up and you just assume HHH is going straight through him. Backstage, you find out that HHH bullied everyone into letting him have the match and he is not medically cleared. There is the message you want to send: “Obeying medical clearances are for pussies who aren’t man enough to fight through the pain.” Be a Star, HHH. Be a Star.

It sounds basic, but if you are going to emphasize stereotypes, then you should play up to them. Thus, the big man should wrestle a “big man” style. If he can pull off a bit of flash, that is fine, but it should be a sparkle, not the actual diamond. Thus, I like how AdR and Big E did their match. Del Rio was fast and played to his advantage. Big E powered out of Del Rio’s attempts at the cross arm breaker. I don’t get why AdR carries a spit bucket to the ring; he isn’t a boxer and he doesn’t get round breaks to use it. IT is just to hit people with, as far as I can tell, and that only works if he is a heel. Anyway, AJ distracts the ref with it and Big E hits a thumb top the eye (YAY CLASSIC HEEL MOVE INSTEAD OF LIKE A DDT OR SOMETHING) and then his finisher for the win. Cheat to win!

AJ then beat Layla. Two new finishers. Only one can win.

Zach Ryder has been Ryback’s rag doll for the past few weeks. You don’t think that a match with someone else would change that, would you? Of course not!! Ryder jobs to Cody Rhodes, but he gets more offense in than he has against Ryback. Then, while selling the Beautiful Disaster kick, Ryback comes out. Rhodes runs and Ryder gets clothes lined and shell-shocked and thrown into the ambulance. Cole even says “Well, Cena is not Ryder” Because fuck you Ryder. Why are you still here anyway? No one invited you to, Zach! Dick. Whatever, you can stay for a bit, but you have to job to whoever we say. Next week, you job to Layla. Pussy.

The Shield are now festooned with titles. They are that rare case where they can keep people interested in six man tags. My personal theory is that it is because they are an actual group, as opposed to a cobbled-together miasma of singles competitors just to have a six man match. Also, they have a gimmick: they overwhelm one person to weaken the opposing group. It was a good match. Kane has really shined in Hell No and I think it is great. In the end, they post Kofi and Rollins hits his “flying knee to the back of the head,” followed by Reigns’ spear to Kane for the win. The Shield stays strong, which is amazing considering the standard push that WWE gives.

So we all got to vote on who Jack Swagger would wrestle. I voted for Khali. I also ask for a cup for water at Subway and then fill it with Sierra Mist because I am a monster, sir! Anyway, they force the vote with Orton and he runs through Swagger because Orton needed a win… having just beat the Big Show at the PPV the night before. Uhh… yeah. So Swagger does the time honored tradition of jobbing to Orton. Orton was injured and they kept Swagger’s offense centered on the legs. But does Orton give up? Not as long as there are things to rape, people. No, as long as there is rape to be done, he will never rest.

Never.

I am assuming the idea is that a victory against HHH is a big deal, no matter how it comes about. But Jesus, I don’t think Axel came off well in that match. HHH was on top of him almost the entire time. The move that stopped HHH? A punch to the head. A regular punch. And technically it didn’t stop him, as he countered with a clothesline and threw Axel back into the ring after. Then, Trips just… can’t… get… into the … ring. It was like the physical form of William Shattner’s vocal pacing. Was this supposed to be the cautionary tale against doing stuff with a concussion? Or was this supposed to get some shine on Joe Hennig? IF so, mission aborted! Holy shit was that some crap. You can’t even let him hit his finisher on the floor to put you out? Jesus, HHH. Give him something.

You winner, via crumpling… Curtis Axel!!

-Ryan