A MONTH OF IMPACT!

TNA started with two babyfaces (albeit one being a knockout, ODB) beating up one heel. That’s the logic the show started with. Me, being logical? I started with a Bloody Mary that was 7/8 vodka and a oil slick of V8 atop it, floating like a red island of death. Seriously, you could have set this drink on fire. Open stomach, too. Smart.

EC3 has motorcycle noises in his entrance music. He has nothing to do with motorcycles, so I was wondering about this. He had a match with Bobby Lashley, who wrestles like a robot controlling a remote control character that’s playing a video game. The match just ended when EC3 walked out, but then Willow beat the fuck out of him to a nearly ridiculous degree, until EC3 crawled under a ladder (bad luck!) to escape.

Bully Ray is in Nashville. Samoa Joe was all salt. Angelina Love is walking.

EC3 and Magnus are no longer friends. A lot happened TO THE BACK.

James Storm and Gunner aren’t fucking any more. Gunner was doing a promo all about how proud he is about winning last week and being a Marine. Did you know Gunner was a Marine? I wouldn’t, except he brings it up every time you talk to him. I wish someone would just cut him off, like, “Yes, we know.” Anyways, he introduced his dad at ringside and angle alert signs went up and James Storm handcuffed Gunner because it’s hot and their safe word is safe word and he broke a beer bottle over Gunner’s dad’s head. The best part was Storm calling out Papa Gunner for crying on the video the week before, which in my second Bloody Mary state made me positively positive about a TNA segment.

TO THE BACK. Gail Kim says if Tapa can’t beat her, she’s gone. So she can do that?

TO THE BACK. The Bro Mans acted all wacky with Tigre Uno and Sanada, which was actually funny. Zema noted he can speak lucha libre and strong style.

Lei’d Tapa pretty much did a straight job and no one was into it and Dave Meltzer said last week that Gail Kim won some award for one of the world’s hottest women and she’s not even the hottest girl in TNA. Really, Dave? I was drunk, but I liked what I was watching.

TO THE BACK. MVP talked to Willow, who is seriously my favorite wrestler right now, because it’s so bad that it’s become awesome in the midst of all this shit. Seriously, it’s a blackface Jeff Hardy with an umbrella speaking like a mix of The Mighty Boosh and Paul Stanley. He cocks off to MVP, who this week is looking like quite the ineffectual boob.

There was this Beautiful People reunion that was screechy women being screechy, which that’s what they did best before. Also, no Lacey Von Erich, which makes this both better and worse independently.

TO THE BACK. Joe continues his high iodine rampage.

All the drinking made me pass out right around here and I stayed asleep, blissfully embracing the void.

So what I missed was Knux coming back. Yes, in his hometown there was a flood and it ruined the arcade that his family owned. He was met by an old girlfriend and there was this odd sense of mid 1970s meaning movie in this. Seriously, this was some Zabriskie Point shit here. It had nothing to do with a match or seems to lead to anything, but let’s give it the benefit of the doubt. Actually, let’s mock the fuck out of it right now.

Bully Ray and Roooooo fought in Dixie’s office and I fought to see if I could fast forward this any faster.

Finally, with the odds stacked against the heel, the heel still won in the main event, proving that this will always be TNA. MVP is already a geek and has already fucked up and cost Joe the title. Oh TNA. You so cute.

WEEK TWO. LET’S FUCKING GO.

This of course brings out MVP who is all like, “My bad, yo.” Get this: Magnus has a deal where Abyss can only be in matches with him, so he gives Samoa Joe another title match where it’s Abyss and Magnus versus Joe, so essentially he just fucked over Joe again. But no worries, Eric Young says he’ll add himself to the three way for the title and help Joe. Joe reacts to this exactly like I do at home, which is to say that he throws a drink at the TV. No, actually, he does exactly what I want him to do: he kicks the fucking shit out of Eric Young. Yay, Joe. You’re now my second favorite in TNA, which is like being the prettiest girl in a dog fuck video. That is, nice to be recognized, but you wouldn’t tell anyone.

EC3 and Spud spend the show searching for Willow. Hot tip: bring meth.

Anyways, MVP makes Abyss/Magnus vs The Wolves, who win by submission and clean as fuck, because hey, why not. I mean, who would do the job that would make sense? Who do you protect? Why even have the match?

The best part is that Abyss takes the belt, so two weeks in and they prove the TNA rule: NO ONE LIKES ANYONE FUCKER.

The screechy girls come out and screech and this all leads to a match with Angelina Love vs. Madison Rayne. Here’s my prediction: Velvet Sky turns heel because Vince Russo and women are bitches and wrestling is like that.

Let me do this quick: Bully Ray. Roo. Not a match. A fight. Tables. Stupid babyface. And scene.

That Angelina Love match happens, which proves that holy shit, not a single girl in this match can wrestle in a way that comes off like a fight. It’s more that predetermined, it’s so fake that it looks predestined.

You know all those Kenny King videos? Where they made him seem like a big deal? Yeah, well, MVP didn’t. Everyone came off like a fucking geek here, which is, well, TNA.

Samoa Joe and Eric Young fight with the finish being Joe chokes him out but has his shoulders are down. Joe still wins, but the referees discuss this and it’s like, you had to fucking protect Eric Young of all people by making Joe look like a geek? Joe does the choke every match and he’s too stupid to keep his shoulders off the mat? Who does this push? Who does this help? Who is going to care? Is World 1 coming back with Eric Young and Magnus in jackets? Who other than me is going to get that joke?

Remember when everyone was sick of Roo and Storm? Now they will be sick of Gunner and Storm. Also: Gunner’s finisher is called the Hanger 18. It’s an F5. Special CTL no-prize to whomever writes the best joke.

The end? Willow came out of the woods and beat dudes up with plastic skeletons and an umbrella. 300 constellations.

WEEK THREE BEGINS NOW.

The show started with Willow and Bully Ray against EC3 and Roooo, who not only beat the faces, they put Bully through three tables. It was like he was going to another territory or some shit. Where was Willow during that? Who the fuck knows!

Kenny King arrived on a golf cart. There you go.

Later, he fucked with MVP. I cared about as much as you can imagine.

Mr. Anderson is walking. Walk walk walk. This all led to a straight jacket match with Sam Shaw. To say this was a bad match would be a disservice to bad matches. It made no sense. The finish came out of nowhere. No one cared about anyone. Basically, if you needed a match that is the sum total of TNA, this would be that match.

TO THE BACK. Beautiful People. EY. TNA stars of the past.

Sanada and Tigre Uno were supposed to have the first of a best of three series. Why? Who knows. And who cares, because he comes Kenny King for his third segment tonight. What does it say when a guy is all over TV and doesn’t even have a match, then bumps two guys a segment so that he can do an angle with an authority figure? It says you’re watching TNA, that’s what the fuck it says.

Then, those dudes had a match and it was rushed and they need someone to explain who they are and why they’re working and them having a mini-feud should mean something at the end of a story, but this is TNA so you just say, “Huh.”

Let’s do a quick move through the next segments: Brittany is a new girl and she wants to team with Madison. Abyss wears a suit and Magnus is already convinced dude is going to fuck him over, then Eric Young, then Samoa Joe. MVP, the Wolves, the Bros. And there you have it.

So let me try and explain: Knux’s family sold arcade games and there was a flood and now an entire town is fucked over and they need their video games. Is this a new TV show? No, it’s a wrestling storyline. Where does it go? Who the fuck knows. It gets a ton of time on TV and it just seems very much in the searching for Stan Hansen with Black Bart side of wrestling, which is really saying something.

The women had something that even charitably could not be called a match. Heel Velvet Sky is no different than face Velvet Sky. Everyone moved in slow motion, like a fistfight on Adam West y Burt Ward Batman. This was also noticable in the earlier main event guys run-in pull-apart. Everyone is working light and weirdly timed, or maybe the camera is too close or maybe no one gives a fuck. Maybe all of the above and a little of column a, a little of column b. Yes, that was a y between West and Ward. I like to imagine the original Batman show as a lucha romp.

MVP and Kenny King, in his fourth segment, had an exhibition match as Vince Russo masturbated furiously and slack jawed from the sideline. This wasn’t a match and this was supposed to be just dudes working together to do moves, UNLIKE EVERY MATCH EVER ON IMPACT, when MVP, the face, got mad and punched Kenny King, who might be the heel. Is every other match real?

TO THE BACK. EC3. Magnus. Do you care?

Kenny King made his fifth appearance on the show, with a TO THE BACK pull-apart.

There was a 4 way, Abyss thought about winning the belt and then helped Magnus to win. And next week, Dixie Carter is back. That is what we call a ratings draw. No we don’t. There is also no we, it’s just me sitting here writing about wrestling when I should be doing my real job.

WEEK FOUR.

Dixie Carter is here. They were also classy and had a remembrance of Warrior at the beginning.

Eric Young is Dan Bryan, so he won a Royal Rumble to get a title shot at the PPV. Then, he called TNA creative team member Christy Hemme into the ring with a request for MVP, who would now be making his second appearance on the show. He hurt his arm, completely unlike Wrestlemania with Dan Bryan and still wants a match tonight, which will feature no run-ins.

TO THE BACK. Spud let Dixie down. The Knockouts have a match, which will also be a number one contenders match.

Angelina won that, so…yeah. She really looks like a transvestite. I mean, OK, it’s shitty of me to say, but she really more and more is looking like something from a Joey Silvera movie.

Two TOO THE BACK segments with MVP? That takes him up to four show appearances. He and Dixie have heat. The Bro-Mans have a match with the Wolves and Robbie isn’t there, so Zema will fill in. If you think that he’s still there and will fuck the finish, then yes, you are right and that’s exactly what happened, so again, MVP and the Wolves are morons. Morons aren’t the kind of thing fans get behind to cheer or pay to see.

Oh yeah. Dixie and Magnus also had a segment.

Christy and Anderson tried to get Sam Shaw into a mental hospital. He escaped. This segment went on as long and as badly as you would dream that it would. Why are they feuding? Will Christy end up turning on Anderson? Why am I still watching Impact?

Willow did a promo which was my favorite thing on the show because he has embraced that nothing here makes sense. Also, I love that he just walks away before finishes. It’s like the entire character is a meta comment on nothing in TNA making any sense.

Eric Young won the belt with a piledriver, telling everyone throughout the show that he had been in TNA forever and worked hard and deserved it. You know tenure and hard work doesn’t always mean that you deserve the top spot. Also, does anyone but me remember when Eric Young turned heel and started the World 1 group, they made such a huge deal of him using a piledriver, the move that every wrestler has agreed is forbidden because it can really hurt people. Well, he used it here and everyone celebrated and yay and wow, Eric Young is an actual world champion now. I can’t really imagine anything else TNA can do to make me hate it more than I do now, but I am certain that they will find a way.
-Sam

Smackdown: I put my back down

Don’t sell a loss as anything other than what it is: a loss. I get that the value of a win is non-existent in today’s WWE Universe. When the Undertaker has to challenge the guy he beat for a rematch at Wrestlemania, the value of said “wins” got unpegged from the global currency market. Don’t try and sell me that Bray Wyatt is good with losing. While he can rant and rave about what he learned, he shouldn’t be happy EVEN if he is insane. He goes on about how he realized what extremes he will have to go through to beat Cena. Amazing that he realized this with Extreme Rules being the next PPV or whatever nomenclature they are going with. So Wrestlemania settled nothing and Cena beat the new guy? Sounds about right.

Cesaro is looking to spin the Big Show. Well, the crowd is looking to see Cesaro spin the Big Show. Cesaro is probably just looking for a cup of coffee. So Show is face, which means Cesaro is heel? But then before the people can get what they want, Swagger attacks Cesaro and the DQ win goes to the very European European. So Cesaro is a face? But then after Big Show takes out Swagger , Cesaro hits the Neutralizer on Big Show. Sooooo… heel? IS that where we landed on this?

Rybaxel took on Los Matadores so that the concession stands could get some action. It is kinda sad, because I don’t think either team is bad. I like Axel a lot more in this team than I ever did while he was a Paul Heyman guy. And Ryback is batshit crazy, which is really entertaining. And there is nothing wrong with the Colons. Heh heh heh heh heh. Colon. But neither team is treated as anything interesting, so they get buried on the card and no one cares. I did like Axel’s finish. The counter into the neckbreaker into the cutter looked a lot better there than when he does it slowly.

Rob Van Dog is back! He is chasing his squeaky toy and having fun. He leaps off the couch and onto Damien Sandow with a defiant SQUEAK! and gets the win! RVD looks a little pudgier than I recall in years past. Someone needs to lay off the milkbones when he gets really high.

Barrett is getting his week of push before becoming a jobber again. He gets to defeat Kofi. He wins with the Bullhammer as a counter tot eh Trouble in Paradise, but it looked like he completely whiffed on it. When they showed the replays, they went with the behind view so it didn’t look like a botch. That is the difference between WWE and TNA: WWE takes advantage of their taped status if they need to. With TNA, they will show you the miss again and again while Mike Tenay talks about how important it is and Taz snickers.

Oh Crap. I forgot. Hogan. He was on Smackdown posing with Daniel Bryan. He got to do the pose down and get some shine off of Hulkamania’s spotlight. Hogan has been more useful in the 2 weeks he has been in the WWE than in the 4 years he was in TNA. He doesn’t need to be an authority figure or a worker. Use Hogan as the pop machine he is and have him get people over. Let him spray his Hulkamaina like Faygo at an ICP show and just get the crowd sticky with his training, prayers and vitamins.

Too far?

So Fandango dumps Summer Rae by twitter? And there is no interference by Summer Rae? Looks like Lita is off on her own as Papi Chulo gets Layla as the new arm candy. I know this made Brian love Fandango. Well, it made him love Smackdown more than before… and that was non-existent. So now … some? Layla looks good. Fandango picks up a win because of his new protégé. Weird that they wouldn’t just do the breakup on TV so it would make sense and get added to a storyline instead of being treated as errata, but what do I know?

Dan Bryan gets to team with the Usos and take on Kane-olution. Things of course break down because Kano-olution is only interested in one thing: The gold and the women. Ok, two tings. The Gold. The Women… and revenge. The THREE THINGS that Kane-volution are interested in are The Gold, The womens, the revenge… and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.

Sorry, got off track there. Anyway, beatings occur. The faces act all face and bump around for the heels. Before Batista/Orton can put Bryan through the announcer table, the Shield show up and take it to the Dave and Randy. I kinda lost track of Kane at the end of this. He showed up at the end with a chair and ate a Baisiku knee as he went to attack the Shield. Before that… chair store, I guess?

-Ryan

RAW: Ice is back with a brand new invention

Ladies and Gentlemen, Noah fucking hates wrestling more now than at any point in his life. Dan Bryan is at the top of the company. Ultimate Warrior is on a slab. Paul Heyman is still being used by the fed. Por Qua married the Miz. It is just a shit time for Noah, so be nice to him.

Dan Bryan comes out and feeds the egos of the wrestling fans. He somewhat sells his shoulder, but he should have just held both straps in one hand. Sorry, off track there. THEY are why he got there. They are why he stole the Yes chant from Diego Sanchez. They are why he is at the top of the game! Because of … speak of the Game and he shall appear. HHH comes out and says he is getting a title shot tonight and he can because it’s his show. Really good heel work. Didn’t need to bury anyone else, didn’t put himself over. Just acted like an asshole and left.

Bray Wyatt should have won at Mania. His loss to Cena didn’t really make sense. He wasn’t big enough to have it matter if Cena won over him. You can have the announcers put him over all you want on RAW, but having him lose on the PPVs undermines the threat that he should be. He and the fam took on Cena, Sheamus and Big E. Two guys without titles and one with. So guess who does the job? Yep. IC title, much like the Ultimate Warrior who once wore you, your fate is to be buried. Big E does the jizzob and the Wyatt family gets a win over Cena and Sheamus that feels infinitely less important than the Mania match the night before.

Santino and Emma beat Fandango. Clearly, they don’t give a shit about Fandango at this point. They need him as an excuse to have Summer Rae in front of the cameras. He is the Esse Rios to Summer Rae’s Lita. Emma goes over with the Muta lock. Did anyone see the Muta sign in the audience? There was also a guy with cut out heads of Missing Link and Kamala. New Orleans loves them some face paint.

The streak is dead. Paul Heyman was his usual great self at rubbing that in to everybody. While I wasn’t going to talk about Mania in this, I feel I need to touch on one thing. I don’t care that the streak ended. I am all for it. UT is from the time when you went out on your back. I don’t care that Brock ended it. I think it could have helped other people a lot more than a part time free agent type guy, but it could work for them. What bothers me is that UT dropped the streak in a half star snorefest that acted like UT had never had a previous mania match to compare this to. Any of his last 5 mania appearances were easily better than this match (and I HATED his matches with Hunter.)

But that trigger has been pulled, and Heyman will make sure the WWE gets a ton of use out of it.

The rest of Evolution is pissed. They both have legitimate reasons to feel that they should get the first title shot. I actually like the booking for that. It creates a little drama. Orton and Batista’s pity fuck is to have a shot at the tag titles. Predictable, they just storm the match and lay waste to the Usos and don’t give a shit about the DQ. So will they be teaming now? Because if Evolution is reforming in some capacity, that kind of kills the sturm und drang of the rightful heir to the title drama that was just happening.

Rob Van Dog! He is back, all happy and tail wagging. Rob Van Dog loves you unconditionally. He loves you so much, he jobs out Damien Sandow for you! Rob wants some pets and feels that he should have a better place on the card, but he is happy with this for now. ROB VAN DOG! THE WHOLE BARKING SHOW!

Wade Barrett now wrestles as Bad News Barrett, and he was over as FUCK at the Superdome. Seriously, thre crowd loved him running rough shod over Rey. I thought this was actually a pretty good match. Rey busted out a trick or two that he hasn’t done in a while. I really liked the sliding splash and taking the Bull Hammer from the turnbuckle. Welcome back, Wade! Expect Barrett to be jobbing soon at a RAW near you!

Rusev has arrived. Lana’s Russian sounds American. I do like that they put his name is Cyrillic. He brutalized Zack Ryder is a squash. Tossed him pillar to post. Then, the mighty Bulgarian brute locks in a submission associated with Russian athletes, the Bear Hu… the Camel Clutch? How the fuck did that get past the agents? He should be doing something brutal and powerful, not Sheiky’s finisher. Something high impact. I know, I know, a bear hug isn’t high impact and Bulgaria isn’t Russia. But it would fit his character better on multiple levels. My personal choice would be a low buckle bomb. Let the dude hit the middle or lower buckle and sell it like it knocked him out.

The Warrior got to say good bye. He looked like hell. He looked like hell at the HoF and Mania. At Mania he reached for his chest a few times and it looked weird to me, but he acted like he was touched by the applause. Don’t do cocaine and steroids. Really.

So AJ came out, used all of Punk’s lines, and then got her title taken away by a rookie on her first match on WWE TV. What message job? Punk sleeps with the Ultimaniacs. My only real problem with that was the shitty Page Turner she hit for the win. She botched the finish. Frankly, she barely delivered he lines on her promo. She sounded as scripted as humanly possible. I hope she picks up her game, because AJ was a lot better at making the title seem important that Page seems to be.

They finally break up the Real Americans. Cesaro wins a statue that seems pretty cheap and painted gold. Hogan introduces him and then runs, which should tell you there will be some action, as Hogan will shatter like Meryl Streep in “Death Becomes Her” if he gets in too heavy a breeze, let alone an errant fist or, got forbid, have to bump. Cesaro leaves the confines of Zeb Coulter and becomes a Paul Heyman guy, giving Heyman a reason to be around now that Brock won’t be seen for a while. So who is the face here? Heyman, despite the positive reactions, is a heel, right? As is Zeb. And Cesaro. And Swagger. So who is the bad guy here? Logic would dictate Swagger and Zeb, but then does that turn Heyman face for this? Can he be a tweener advocate? Anyway, Swagger jumps Cesaro and breaks the cheap statue. They then have a match that ends in count out, which is how it should have needed. I think these two can have a great match. I also like Heyman holding the Andre statue like a baby doll at ringside.

Did anyone catch that to warn Cesaro that Swagger was going to do the running Vader Bomb, he yelled “NOW IS THE TIME!!” at Cesaro? I popped.

Trips tried to steal the belt. Holy shit, what a great heel move. How the hell does making sense find it’s way into WWE booking. He has the rest of Evolution beat down Dan Bryan, THEN has the ref ring the bell. This summons the Shield, who were meeting with the authority earlier. I guess the Authority doesn’t watch the product? They didn’t know that the Shield weren’t so heel anymore? Well, they attack first, so HHH gets a DQ win, but the Attitude era gets run out of the ring by two former ROH champions. I didn’t think I would like a face Shield, but I do. This means they will decide to do the breakup angle now. But the Shield is a good foil for the heel management group to work against.

We end with Bryan hitting a Baisiku Knee on Trips, and it looked solid. Maybe HHH knows how to bump better than other heels in the WWE. I know it can beat John Cena. Ask Noah.

Just not this week. Cut him some slack.

- Ryan

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I hate this so much. ROH didn’t create excellence. You know who did? These guys, who busted their asses night in, night out, for years. ROH at best paid them under $100 for putting their health, lives and necks on the line and now, like anyone in the indies, they’re bragging that they knew them when. Danielson was in wrestling for years before ROH even existed. ROH wasn’t in the car when these dudes drove around the country, killing themselves and having no lives to make it to the next level. ROH wasn’t in the gym with them every day, lifting and working out. Fuck the cult that indy promotions engender. I love wrestling, I love these guys’ work, but come the fuck on. Creating excellence? I’ve seen the lighting on your TV. Maybe work on that before you brag some more.
-Sam

WrestleMania review

This was the first streaming PPV. It’s also supposedly the first Mania of the “Reality Era.” I hate when people break down eras, because it’s like, when does the golden age or silver age begin? Whatever. Let’s not put things into buckets, let’s enjoy them for what they are.

We gathered at Noah’s house for the first ever streaming PPV. As amazingly museum awesome as Noah’s house is, it has super weak streaming internet, so we old school hooked up a cable, 50 feet of cable, so everyone could trip over it all night long, all night, feel good, feel good.

The pre-show had a tag team match where everyone got their shit in. It was good, if you have a short attention span and are ready for a million moves at 5 PM knowing you will be watching 6 hours more wrestling. You know, all day yesterday, I saw workers posting on Facebook that this is our Super Bowl, you have to respect today, how it’s everyone’s goal. Why don’t we stop with the generalizations? You know when my Super Bowl is? The Super Bowl, dude. It’s fake fighting that ruins lives and costs $80 to watch ($60 for six months of streaming). I don’t know. I came into this WrestleMania mad negative. Are you even the least bit surprised?

There used to be this rule about not killing heat in wrestling, but fuck that, because Hogan, Stone Cold and The Rock all came out before the first real match and spent 20 minutes making fun of Hulk Hogan. Anyone that has watched TNA (me) in the last 2 years (me alone) realizes that Hulk Hogan and a live mic are not best friends. Yet, here we were, with him saying the wrong building name and everyone calling him on it. Everyone loved all of this and it was awesome and wow, it was way too early on the show to get all this out of people.

Dan Bryan beat Triple H in a match that people seemed to like. Me, I was walking Ang during most of it. That’s my test of a match. If I can walk my dog, come back and the match is still going on and the heat is still medium, I didn’t miss anything. Post-match, the man who used to fuck Chyna went buckfutter and attacked Dan Bryan’s arm and Stephanie had on the worst outfit ever. She looked like the shittiest Chippendale’s cosplayer of all time.

The Shield killed the New Age Outlaws and Giant Pete Rose. Really, Dave said, “I expect to see The Shield back again later in the show. Don’t know it, but it would seem there’s a reason to rush through that.” Maybe the same dude that told him out CM Punk coming back gave him a hint.

Meanwhile, TO THE BACK, where Slam City was being played by Sgt. Slaughter, Hacksaw Jim Duggan and a wizened Ricky Steamboat while Danny Davis and his giant tattoo officiated. Ted DiBiase then bought the whole thing and laughed, which is funny, because he overpaid for it. You can get the same toys for cheap at Toys R Us. You don’t have to buy them backstage for a higher price. Financial decisions like these are why Ted has to do comic book shows to make money and kill his gimmick in public. All I know is, I don’t have to pay Donald Trump $25 for a fucking Polaroid. PS: Ron Simmons.

The Andre the Giant battle royal was pretty much a battle royal, albeit one where Kofi decided to break his ankle. The dude has a baby now. Maybe that’s more reason to die. There were no surprises, except, well, Cesaro hulking the fuck out and throwing out the Big Show and messing up everyone who was betting. We were more like, “Fuck, now he has to carry that statue in his luggage. Good thing he’s strong.” Major points to Rey for his Obey gear. Oh, and for Fandango dancing on the apron, because that shit was hilarious.

John Cena didn’t have to win, but he did, and there you go. The match was boring at best and the Wyatt Family is cool, but this was what happens, I guess. It was around this point that a rambling food discussion ensured that was never fully explained or resolved.

The legends all came out and Howard said that Lita looked fat. If so, I wonder what planet of emaciated CARE children he comes from. Also, Warrior got old, but guess what: we all get old.

What a segue, huh?

Undertaker and Brock had a 45 minute match that felt like 19 eons. Seriously, there were times where I felt like Altered States in the tank and became a caveman. This thing went on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and it just kept on going on and on. Anyways, no one gave Brock a chance, no one was paying attention and somewhere in there, he won and it was like when Ivan Koloff beat Bruno in that everyone went silent and the end of the movie when you realize the monster is just some guy in a suit with the zipper showing. That is to say, it was sad. Dudes on Facebook went off about Taker never passing the torch or how this was an honor to get the win or how Brock didn’t deserve this. I’m sure some people think this is a chance to fuck over CM Punk, because he didn’t get the win last year. To be fair, I think Undertake blew himself up making all those caskets and didn’t properly prepare for the match. Regardless, there are so many pictures of dudes losing their shit that we were in stitches.

http://tapemachinesarerolling.tumblr.com/post/81950991268/fans-at-wrestlemania-xxx-react-to-the-end-of-the

Those dudes made my night.

The Divas came out and had what can charitably be called a clusterfuck. AJ won, the two Bellas are not twins any more and lady dives. Some dudes thought Natalya looked hot, I’m sure. I wasn’t in that camp.

Piper shook hands with Mr. T. Paul Orndorff looked like a cattle baron. Hulk Hogan has never learned how to say Paul’s last name. Mean Gene has lived with someone else’s internal organs for a long time.

Dan Bryan won in a match against Drax the Destroyer and Randy Orton. Randy’s back and a TV monitor were the highlights of this. Kids: throw the monitors into the crowd like Brock did if you want to do it right. This was the right finish and the kids were happy.

Overall, Mania made me sad. It always does. It reminds me how out of touch I am with wrestling, as I am bored senseless with matches only to come back and see Really Dave give them over four stars. Or maybe I just don’t like anything. That’s probably true. It’s the anticipation into letdown feeling that always leaves me feeling ennui.
-Sam