1. It’s pretty cool that Jarrett is coming in.
2. Scotty will make a joke that he wants Karen to evaluate his penis.
3. The company can’t even spell the name of the building correctly.
4. Come to the show anyway.
Remember when we discovered proof that the Von Erichs went to Israel
and did shows? Well, they’re still wrestling over there, but on a much smaller scale.
But the Von Erichs weren’t the first, they’ve had wrestling there before. In the 1950’s Rafael Halperin, an Israeli bodybuilder known as “Mr. Israel”, traveled to the U.S. to wrestle for Vince McMahon Sr.. He also refused to lose any matches, treating them as if they were legitimate contests. It was still real to him dammit.
In 1966 Halperin put together a show in his homeland. He wound up starting a near riot at the end of the show when he was attacked by a “Fuad the Terrible, King of the Arabs”. Fuad (actually an Armenian living in Haifa) was nearly lynched, and the police refused to provide security for any more shows, saying Halperin was a provocateur. After that he
had a hard time fining venues for shows.
You can read more about Halperin here:
The Israeli Pro Wrestling Association, founded in 2001, is the top promotion in Israel. According to their Wiki page they draw pretty small crowds of about 100 people, so in that sense they’re not much different than your average American indy promotion.
Gery Roif (who wrestles as Rabbi Swissa) is the man behind the promotion, operating a wrestling school, as well as handing the behind the scenes duties.
Like the Scandinavian promotions, the IPWA has featured some name American wrestlers. They have Nunzio (Little Guido) coming in for their Passover Bash show in April, and Tatanka came there last year. Kevin Von Erich and Bret Hart have also made appearances at the school.
Here is Tatanka vs. Rabbi Swissa:
Next we go to Bolivia, were the women wrestle in dresses and go on after the men.
I’m using an iPad, a Mac and a g pen to write this. Technology.
Gunner starts the show by saying, “I didn’t get into wrestling to be a rice man, I got on to be a champion.” What a fucking idiotic line.
We’re still in the UK. Time distortion, drug side effect. Magnus calls out MVP, who is not the massage and a haircut that you get at Sports Clips, so I want nothing to do with him. I love when guys who aren’t stars carry themselves like stars.
Look, I got three weeks of shit to get out of my system.
This whole show, as always, smacks of Indy. It’s the crowd chanting, a power struggle and not enough time for matches. Why should we boo or cheer when we have nothing to care about?
Lethal Lockdown match being set up. I do not care. I have six hours of this shit to shovel into my fat mark mouth.
I made it eight minutes in before I hit fast forward. MVP gets best up, the Wolves get held back and Gunner runs in. The Wolves finally come out and beat up EC3 two on one because they are babyfaces.
Dixie can’t make Rooooo vs. Magnus as a title match, but Magnus lost to Joe. Now he’s all sad and security kicked him out. And I should care because…
Lockdown is the “most brutal pay per view of the year.” No shit.
Do you like watching dudes walk around? Watch TNA!
Joe promo. This brings out the Bro Mans, who Joe fights three on one, which buries your tag champs, but whatever.
“Can you imagine how the twitter wars between MVP and Dixie will heat up?” No. I can’t.
Jesse has learned how to take some great exaggerated bumps.
Nice finish sequence and Joe just won the tag belts by himself! If by won you mean devalued, then yes, he won them.
Sam Shaw chokes a dude out.
To the back. Storm and Roo talk.
Angle goes into the Hall of Fame next week. Did you rad his Fighting Sport interview?
To the back. Aries. MVP. Held back. Lies. Etc.
Madison vs. Gail in a street fight. Gail used a belt shot and Lei’d Tapa to win. Not for the title, though. Why?
Sam Shaw is stalking Ken Anderson. Yes.
Gunner video talking about what a mark he was. Also, how intense he was. Also, he was a Marine. Also, he never got paid on the indies. Also, hot wife. Also, his dad cried during the promo. “There’s your payoff. A hot dog and a drink.” Oh yeah, I forgot Gunner worked a few shows for my home promotion.
To the back. EC3 and Storm and Gunner.
Rooooo promo. Everyone in TNA had sacrificed and worked hard and never been handed anything.
Bad Bones gets to do a promo, but Sam Shaw attacks Anderson and steals Christy.
Daniels and Kaz vs. The Wolves. Daniels wearing SHIELD tights. A good match that did the best job of getting The Wolves over yet. Really tight finish and good work.
To the back. Sam Shaw is being weird.
Gunner and Magnus had a good match, ending in a surprise when James Storm super kicked Gunner. Nice drama.
Week two starts with Gunner walking in the back.
Joe and MVP started things off. Magnus came out, we have a fight, etc.
They showed The Wolves winning the tag belts in Zema’s backyard. It’s interesting that house shows still matter to TNA, whereas in WWE, this is the story:
“The cruelest thing I can tell a passionate, dedicated smark is that the more he knows the less he matters to WWE. The smark is the one person the company knows will be watching the show every week, no matter what. They’re buying the licensed merchandise to complain about it on podcasts and paying the extra $20 at TV tapings to stand in an autograph line and tell their favorite disrespected mid-carder just how he should be used in the main event. Even at the emptiest of house shows (non-televised events usually packaged as tours) we could spot the dedicated IWC member on hand to record completely meaningless* match results for one of the “insider” news sites.
(*Seriously, most of them meant absolutely nothing. Unless we were promoting an ongoing TV storyline, house show winners and losers were determined at random and on the fly if a title belt wasn’t on the line. No one cared, least of all the talent, yet the next morning we’d read a thousand word analysis on why certain matches were booked to favor a particular wrestler.)”
This comes from this amazing article: http://www.sbnation.com/2014/3/4/5468468/wwe-pro-wrestling-stories-creative
Bro-Mans against Daniels and Kaz against The Wolves with the winning heels getting into the Lethal Lockdown match, well, it’s too soon to have The Wolves job or even outsmarted, so they, of course, got outsmarted.
Doug Williams was back for a minute. But he lost to EC3. So, there you go.
James Storm and Gunner talk about respect and the military and saying thank you, then can’t get over the fact that they can’t quit each other and fight all over fuck. Me? I fast forwarded at the now industry standard rate of 16FF.
TNA is funny because when they do what you want they also do what you don’t want.
I’ve wanted Samoa Joe to get a huge push for awhile. But in his push so far, he obliterated the tag champs and now crushed Bad Bones, who tons of TNA fans voted for online to win their Gut Check challenge. Bird in one hand, bird shit in the other, rub both all over face.
The girls had a street fight. Angle got in the HOF which was really just a backdrop toward setting him up with EC3 next show. Angle’s Fighting Spirit interview was crazy, because to summarize from Figure Four:
“He claims that his issues all started with the aftermath of winning an Olympic Gold Medal with a broken neck at the 1996 Olympic Games because in his mind, he would never be able to match that feeling of achievement in his life and that natural high from competition. He notes that while he had fun and was successful in WWE, it didn’t do anything for him emotionally. He thought that by going to TNA and helping build a small company into a bigger one would be something but it wasn’t anything to him emotionally. Then when he did his recent stint in rehab, he noticed that he wasn’t drinking and doing drugs for his physical pain but more so because he was depressed because he couldn’t match that level of accomplishment. He said he has to learn to just enjoy what he is doing now for a living since he knows he is good at it rather than try to compete with his gold medal because no feeling in the world is ever going to match that plateau for him in his career. He did admit he has a drug and alcohol problem and noted that he could relapse at any time but he doesn’t plan to.”
Sam Shaw quoted Emerson and was really weird and rapey and yeah, he’s feuding with Ken Anderson. So, there you go, as I say.
Willow is still coming.
Anyways, much like The Wolves, it’s still too early for MVP to get outsmarted or do a job. So he did here to a pantsless ref Austin Aries and Roo.
Last week? Yes. Last week of Impact.
Roooo starts off, saying how the company is going to run the Roo way. Perhaps he does not understand how 10% works. Then Austin Aries comes out and bah blah woah woah. Spoiler warning: a new heel team in TNA already can’t get along. This brings out MVP, who announces Jeff Hardy for his team. And then we have a match with everybody in it to determine the Lethal Lockdown advantage. I will just repeat what I said during last week’s show: MVP and The Wolves should neither job or be outsmarted.
Of course, both of these things happened.
I thought Sam Shaw was much bigger than Eric Young. I was wrong. Really, Sam?
Shaw throws a hot coffee in EY’s face, then chokes out Ken Anderson. Creepy Guy 2, Stupid Babyfaces 0, TNA 0, TNA Fans 0.
Kurt Angle got taken out again. So it was on, then it was off, now it’s on, then it’s off. TNA, y’all.
Kenny King is riding an escalator with two hot black women. How this makes me want to watch I’m wrestle is not answered.
There’s a six woman match and Velvet got a clean win on Alpha Female, so can we just pray that this whole angle is over and done with? We can’t? Ah fuck.
More Willow, who debuts at Lockdown. Also, Tigre Uno does. He should debut against Zema, but he isn’t. And Muta is on the show, too, which has never been sold on TV.
But Sam Shaw stalking has!Ken Anderson attacks him and rubs lipstick and a wig all over his face. Being that this was wrestling, it got gay pretty fast.
Roo beat Davey Richards clean. I mean, Davey was hurt, and the heels needed an advantage. Right booking, wrong time. It’s not like they had three months to get ready for the PPV. They did? Oh. OK.
It all ends with a staredown about the main event at Lockdown. Joe gets the choke, people are happy and my dog wants to go outside. See you guys soon.
1. Miz – Never before has someone done so much with so little. I can’t even think about his name without becoming angry to the point of violence. It’s not even X-Pac heat. It’s rage heat.
2. Ken Anderson – Kris hit the nail on the head. He’s like a shittier Mike Sanders, as if that was possible.
3. Eric Young – If you’ve spent more than a minute reading my TNA reviews, you would have learned this by now. I’m sure he’s a great guy. But I don’t want to see him on my TV ever again.
4. Shocker – Seriously, I’m sure he was good at one point. But now, as a giant eyebrowed fishnet chest piece drunk still get put into major angles? Not at all.
5. Randy Orton – He is everything I hate in wrestling in 2014. An emotionless robot sold to you as someone to care about. Can anyone tell me why?
6. Terry Taylor – I have yet to find anything I enjoy about this guy, except when he was the Taylor Made Man. And had the Five Arm. But I was only watching for Dustin’s ex-wife when she was business time.
7. Steve Richards – A copy of a copy. I love when this dude is a hardass. I love when he talks about Obama doing climate change. I love that anyone thinks he means anything to anything ever. He could die saving the universe and I would still hate him with everything I have.
8. Triple H – I have tried to watch him. Tried to appreciate his storytelling. I can’t. I sleep through so much of it. I mean, I can even admit Shawn Michaels is good (I was watching Kobashi at this stage of wrestling, so my apologies for being a fat fucking mark and moving past American entertainment style wrestling). Triple H? He’s smart. Smart doesn’t mean you’re great.
9. Anyone in ROH – All I see is a badly lit ring in an armory or gym, which by all rights, I should love. Instead, I see dudes moving twice as fast as they need to, kicking out of three times as much as they need to and kicking each other four times harder than they need to. THE BUSINESS, BRAH.
10. Pretty much everyone else – Chances are, if you give me someone, I can easily give you a reason to hate them. Like, I have been reading X-Men since I was 10. I can honestly tell you that I hate 99% of the X-Men and wonder at times why I even read the fucking book. I want all hot tubs cold. Hate hate hate.
According to ProWrestling.net, former pro wrestler Buck Zumhofe attempted to flee a Minnesota courtroom after he was found guilty on Wednesday of 12 charges of criminal sexual conduct involving a family member. The report notes Zumhofe was tackled and restrained after he tried to run.