So anyways, Kane…

fake-diesel

If you think WWE sucks now, well, what if I told you they once replaced Razor Ramon with Rick Bogner, once known as Big Titan to about 35 people in the US? And what if I told you Kane was Diesel? And what if I told you that they thought this runs would work? And what if I told you that Jim Ross managed him as a disgruntled ex-employee?

My question to you is: How would the world have been different if fake Diesel actually got over? Who would have been Kane?

WCW Greed 2001

Deek, Noah and I started watching the CMLL Fantasticmania show last night and at some point, we got bored. We decided to look and see what was on WWE Network and we’re so happy we did.

Gentlemen and no ladies, may we present our review of WCW Greed.

This was the final WCW pay per view.

Sam: “You know when you guys talk about remember when wrestling was big and people cared and it was fun? Well, these are the kind of shows that killed it. You’re watching it die right now.”

Throughout the show, someone has a video camera and is recording Buff Bagwell. Funny note: My autocorrect fixes his name to be Buff Bagel.

Jason Jett vs. Kwee Wee
Jason Jett used to wrestle for ECW as EZ Money while also making indy costumes. Kwee Wee was Angry Allen Funk who also got his face funked up by Sonny Saki. Name from the past, huh? Let’s look up Wiki:

On September 27, 2003 at the Baltic Brawl event in Helsinki, Finland, Funk wrestled a tag team match with Mike Sanders against Elix Skipper and Sonny Siaki. During that match, Siaki botched a split-legged moonsault and landed on Funk’s face knee-first. Funk was badly injured, breaking his eardrum, nose and jaw, also cracking his orbital bone. He has had four surgeries to repair the damage and is still 100% deaf in his left ear, but he made an otherwise full recovery.

I would say being deaf is not a full recovery.

He was also Chi Chi in Masked Warriors.

Anyways. This fucking match. This. Fucking. Match.

Deek: “This is a gem.”

Imagine a match where they give opening match guys 18 minutes and one of them decides he’s getting in everything he ever saw on every indy tape. That is to say, this is an indy match that people paid $39.95 for. Jason Jett realizes he may never be on PPV again, so he takes every ill advised bump possible, including missed shoulders into the corner transformed into lances into nowhere. It’s fucking great and terrible in equal measure, the kind of match that I bet veterans in back were flipping the fuck out and screaming over. In essence, what is better than a great match? A horrible one that’s awesomely horrible. It’s what we call the Rule of Jake (Garrett).

Look, just watch this fucking nonsense for yourself.


Jason Jett Vs Kwee Wee WCW GREED by Nochaser78

Elix Skipper & Kid Romeo v. Billy Kidman & Rey Mysterio
Again. This fucking match! This is a hidden near 4 star match. I’m not being an asshole here. It actually has a story, there are some insane moves and the right guys go over. The young upstarts beat the vets clean in a match that the crowd actually enjoys.

Are you wondering why Rey needed all those knee surgeries? I point you to this match.

Sam: “I love how he keeps breaking holds and going to the wrong side of the ring.”

Noah: “Sam, to his defense, the guy is on PPV ten matches into his career and has no idea where the hard cam is.”

I gave this match all this praise and it starts with a fucking power bomb. I don’t care. It was 2001. We did shit like that then, I guess. Also, there is a ridiculous double stage dive by the faces and the finish is perfect and this is exactly what we wanted to watch.


Rey Misterio & Billy Kidman vs… by Eff_5150

Shawn Stasiak vs. Bam Bam Bigelow
At this point, they were trying to make Shawn into Rick Rude. He also had more than three nicknames, which you would think is confusing. He would go on to be fired from WWE for tape recording people in locker rooms and car rides. Bam Bam would go on to do tremendous amounts of drugs, as his eyes and red nose showed us that yes, he also may have done this match coked to the gills. I know I would need to coke to work this one.

Noah: “Alexandra York looks hot.”
Sam: “That’s Stacy Keibler.”
Noah: “You’re going to put that into the review, right?”

Note: Stacy Keibler is the only pro wrestler who can tell you exactly what George Clooney’s dick looks like. Also: her legs are taller than most men’s height.

This was…pure shit. Just pure shit. Bam Bam wore two color tights and a dress shirt. I think that about says it all.

Lance Storm & Mike Awesome v. Konnan & Hugh Morrus
One of these guys thinks he is the moral cop of wrestling. One of these guys is dead. One of these guys looks like your fat neighbor with Konnan’s head and tells Dave that Sombra isn’t that good. Another of these guys fucked up all sorts of people in NXT and for some reason still has a job. This match is exactly as boring and shitty as you think. I went and took a shit during it. Literally? Literally.

Chavo Guerrero Jr. v. Shane Helms
64X FF. We have the technology, thanks to Apple TV.

Sean O’Haire & Chuck Palumbo v. Lex Luger & Buff Bagwell
Look at this:
Sean: Dead/in jail
Chuck: Gay gimmick
Lex: Nearly in jail/killed Elizabeth/nearly died/found God
Buff: Escort (which means gay, get rid of your male power fantasies right now, dudes)

The match itself is why there is no WCW any longer. Also: at some point, Animal is backstage.

Kanyon v. The Cat
Kanyon is dead and gay. The Cat killed Randy the Ram. This match is all sorts of stupid, including women randomly getting involved with no disqualification and some dude named Smooth who shows up at the end and we all marked out for no reason. Smooth is, of course, Ice Train, who would soon team with The Cat to beat Kanyon and, of all people, Road Warrior Joe on Thunder. Yes, WCW should have stood for What the Fuck instead of Woman Crush Wednesday.

Rick Steiner v. Booker T
I’ll be honest. We only watched the finish, in which a disco belted fat Shane Douglas hit Rick with a cast. I can only hope this ended up setting up a match where Rick peed in Shane’s mouth and made him say, “Thank you” and “I love your piss, Sir.”

Dusty & Dustin Rhodes v. Ric Flair & Jeff Jarrett
Throughout the show, they keep updating us on how many burritos Dusty has eaten backstage. At times, 30. At other times, because fuck continuity, it’s 40. This leads us to…

RETURN OF THE EIGHTBALL!
Would you rather eat 40 burritos or 298 pancakes?

DEEK: “I think you could get a different variety and enjoy 40 different burritos, but pancakes are just pancakes.”

SAM: “After awhile, every the syrup would suck.”

This should lead to a spot where Dusty shits himself. As it is, he has gas, so this keeps him from the match, making Dustin take the heat. Instead of Dusty throwing some heat into the toilet. Anyways, Ric Flair wrestles in chinos and a Hawaiian shirt, which is what I want a WWE $25 deluxe figure of right now.

Dusty gives the stink face full of burritos. 30. Or 40. 3 stars. Or 4.

Scott Steiner vs. DDP
We pulled an Andy and shut it off.

-Sam, Deek and Noah

PS – Kris sent this:

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Sam guests on a podcast

I was on Wrestling with Death, a podcast about stories of wrestling.

“You didn’t let that other guy talk and I’ve heard all those stories before,” said my wife.

You may enjoy it just as much!

http://spiderduck.net/wrestlingwithdeath/2015/1/23/episode-44-shirley-doe

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/wrestling-death-spiderduck/id907961904?mt=2

Royal Rumble

First off, hello everyone out there that checks this site every once in awhile hoping that someone writes something. That some time is now.

I’ve seen a lot of people upset about the Royal Rumble. Keep in mind, Vince’s DNA is made of the fact that his father already had Superstar Billy Graham’s loss to Bob Backlund programmed before Superstar even won the belt. The McMahons make a decision, stick with it and say, “fuck you” every time you second guess it. I think if the internet and Twitter had been around in 1984, people would have hated Corporal Kirschner and been vocal about it. Oh, they did and they were? But seriously, this is what they want to present and if you don’t like it, stop buying their dolls and video games and $9.99 a month. It’s the only way they’ll ever get the message.

A lot of people are upset about Dan Bryan going out so soon. Look, Vince McMahon only gets an erection these days based on the collective tears of fat kids, so keep on crying, he’s nearly finished.

Always keep in mind: this is the company that had a Guerrero dress up as a chicken, set up a Steamboat vs. Savage rematch in the Wrestlemania 4 tourney and put Greg Valentine over Steamboat and squashed the Radicals their first week in. Also: the entire Invasion angle. If you’re just hip to the “WWE doesn’t listen to their fans,” that’s like an abusive wife just realizing that her husband has only been hitting her for a few weeks, not a few years. They’ve never listened to their fans, except a few times, and they’ll never forget all the times they did listen to you, WWE Universe.

Other than that, Mr. Lincoln, how did you like getting murdered?

There was a New Day vs. Adam Rose, Tyson Kidd and Cesaro opener that everyone kind of watched. Remember when Cesaro won that Andre trophy? Well, there’s a figure coming out with it if you do care to remember. This match was 6 guys who won’t be here for long and a chance for indy guys to talk about that time they worked for New York, albeit as a Rosebud. During this match I said, “I bet the Rosebuds catch Adam Rose and drop him and catch Kofi instead.” I was pretty much half right. Which more right than I am most of the time.

The Rumble is all about betting, y’all. This year, prop bets galore. This match was 7-3 Cesaro’s team, so everyone did alright.

New Age Outlaws vs. Ascension was a match I missed as I typed up brackets. Why they did that angle Monday where they buried these guys when they were going up here makes me wonder what I always do: Who was the heel? Who was the face? Who the fuck cares? 8-2 Ascension here. Note: When you do a devil/evil gimmick and I don’t give a fuck about you, you’re doing something wrong. Bring back the New Church. Oh, wait, that was TNA. Note: I finally watched the new TNA. Spoiler: TNA is what drove me away from this site. Their new TV? Even worse, if that’s a thing.

Usos vs. Mizdow: We had it 7-3 Usos and this match was pretty much a squash. My wife loves the Miz, as she loves MTV reality shows, and she hates the Mizdow gimmick. I said, “Wrestling fans like it,” to which she just stares at me in the way that silently says, “Sam, wrestling fans are fucking stupid.” She is right.

Bellas vs. Paige/Natalya: They didn’t even get a story started. They just ended. 8-2 Bellas. I asked Noah, “Who do you want to win?” Noah said, “When you bet on the Rumble, always go with your heart.” One of the Bellas fucks John Cena and wears Nikes. So yeah. You know where Noah’s heart was.

Brock Lesnar vs. Seth Rollins vs. John Cena: This match was awesome. One of our friends was there live while we watched her dog, who wears a diaper so he looks like Dennis the Menace’s dog cosplaying as Yokozuna. She said that live, everyone thought Lesnar was really hurt, which took away from the enjoyment of the match. My personal enjoyment was seeing Lesnar play sleeping Misawa, then come in and legit rape Seth Rollins with a german suplex. This felt like a WWE2K15 match, where I’m controlling Lesnar, Ryan is Seth and Noah is Cena and has no idea who Seth Rollins is. I fell asleep after the table spot, but then came in and used all my specials and everyone ended up mad that I won. Except we weren’t and the right guy won for Mania. Not to be a mark, but it’d be hilarious if the Mania main event was a one way squash like that Cena match that should have meant something and didn’t and that’s where all this felt like it went off the rails. At some point, someone is going to post a picture of Seth Rollins and say, “Indy wrestling matters.” Well, Brian won $45 on the prop bets, which is a bigger payoff that most indy guys will make from now until March, so fuck you.

Rumble, my favorite match of the year. The match that has shown me the highs (Demolition fighting, the entire Rumble Flair won, random dudes dying on eliminations) and the lows (everything else plus Drew Carrey). Everyone was off on the first guy, figuring Ziggler would be in it for the entire show, overselling for everyone and generally being fake as fuck, but they were wrong. He came in at #30 and oversold for everyone and was generally fake as fuck.

I asked everyone who would have the magic number. Everyone answered with a number, not understanding that #27 is the magic number. I drew said magic number in our pool. I got Wade Barrett. WWE has obviously given up on the magic number.

Rusev threw out the most people, as he should. He also disappeared at the end and everyone was like, Rusev is the great Russian hope to beat up that Samoan guy we all decided that we hate. Guess what, I hated him in NXT before he was even Roman Reigns, which makes me the fattest, stupidest mark of them all! That said – nope. Rusev got tossed right onto the post show, where he got in a fight with John Cena and asked him if he could have the honor of putting him over on the biggest stage of them all, the Tokyo Dome…err, WrestleMania.

DDP came back. Bubba Ray came back. Yes, a year of TNA where he got one over on Hogan, ran Aces and Eights, came back as a face and here we are, he’s back all covered up and wearing glasses while 1100 mutants who once huddled for warmth in a shitty building all chanted their hearts out. Wrestling matters. Sure it does. Anyways, I like Bubba or Bully or whatever. I enjoyed his little comeback and that is that.

Bray Wyatt tossed a bunch of people. I was kind of hoping his dad would come out when he did the open challenge, but you know. The whole Wyatt Family reunion was sloppy. But he was in awhile and was unceremoniously dumped.

Dan Bryan. You can take the indy out of…actually you can’t. The dude still got a dive in during a battle royal. That’s like doing a submission in a battle royal. Or a giant swing. Yeah, that happened too.

Anyways, Adam had Roman, so he won a lot of money. More than we can legally list without Mike Rotundo getting his giant schnozz into out business.

Did the right guy win? Who can say. The internet has all gotten together and decided that they love Betty White, hate Roman Reigns and enjoy masturbation. They’re not changing their minds. They want Dan Bryan on top. Vince doesn’t, as he has proven for the last year or two.

Noah actually had Dan Bryan’s number and thought, for a moment, that he might win. When he was thrown out, he said, “Now I know how the rest of internet fans have felt.”
-Sam