Summerslam Results

During the show, Andy was running our Twitter feed. I’d like to apologize to anyone who read it and tried to divine some measure of sense. Particularly this:

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Come the fuck on, Andy. You’ve had Totinos.

Anyways: Who the fuck did Cesaro piss off? And who did RVD make happy? That said – good match, if you like matches based around doing the same spot multiple times. Cesaro at Mania > Cesaro at Summer Slam. So there you go.

Dolph Ziggler beat the Miz, which does not matter at all.

The rest of us played WWE2K14 all day, which meant we heard the same commentary over and over. Of course, that led to this:

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You know that no matter what system that game is on, there’s still going to be fuck ups like that. It’s like Madden. I completely expect the Instant Replay to never show the right plays and for fuck calls to happen when you get up by 2. Not that I ever do.

Bray Wyatt’s entrance was fucking awesome. Ryan was showing us Mick Foley’s daughter throughout this, who pretty much grew up without a dad, so, you know that seems like a good bet. Anyways, this match was better than it started and by the end was pretty good. Also, at this point, ham barbecue.

Rusev beat Swagger, but I was walking Angelo, so we missed the finish. I am sorry my dog poops, wrestling blog readers.

Paige beat AJ Lee in a match where no one could figure out who the face or heel was. That said, it was a girl who looks like a skinny, gawker Sarah Silverman versus a pale, curvy British girl and they crawled all over one another and tore out each other’s hair extensions, so 18 stars.

Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose channeled the UWF Snuka vs. Cactus Jack lumberjack match, and by that, I mean that they forgot what a lumberjack was about and stayed out of the ring. #wallofflesh. That said, this match was fucking awesome. Like, super super awesome. It had all sorts of non subtle and subtle things and we were all quite pleased with it. And ate more ham barbecue. And fed some to the dog. It was a good night.

If you didn’t see the Bella Sisters feuding out of the Stephanie match, then you don’t watch wrestling. All women are horrible people who will fuck you over because that’s what women do. And because wrestling.

It was all capped off by John Cena basically being raped in front of a live crowd. Give it to Cena – no ego and he took an ass beating and did more than you’d expect a guy losing to do.

Summerslam was pretty fucking good. I have to admit it.
-Sam