Noah’s ebay finds: What the fuck is this?

Seriously, this is the weirdest thing ever.

$_57

$_57-2

$_57-1

It’s listed as RARE! WCW TNA Wrestling Champ Sting on Rocket Space Ship Latex Rubber Mask Hat. The listing says, “Acquired at an estate sale is this very rare hard to find WCW & TNA Wrestling Champ Wrester Sting latex rubber hat. I thought it was Alice Cooper but now a huge Alice Cooper fan has informed me that it might be the wrestler Sting. After some research it appears to be Sting and not Alice Cooper. Unable to find another latex hat mask like this at all. Still with some dust on it from the prior owner as I did not clean it because I am not sure of the care instructions for vintage latex rubber. Colors are great, no pealing, cracks, tears, holes, etc… to the colors or the actual latex. Measures about 7 ¼ inches tall and 14 inches long. Because it is so flexible it is difficult to get a complete accurate measurement. The opening is about 7 ½ inches by 10 ¼ inches. Possibly a vintage Don Post Studio mask. My research has not found another one like this. There are no hallmarks as to the maker, age, country or region of origin, etc…”

It’s listed as $250 start, $1250 buy it now.

Seriously. What the hell is this?

RAW is never getting laid. Like… EVER!

I feel like we all got to see a picture of my from 7th grade in lieu of RAW last night. So much comedy material. Where do you begin. It’s like all the jabs and insults just bottleneck up and you just sit there silently. The hair? The glasses? The stupid smile, just telling you that it will be years before he ever touches a boob? It is just all too much.

It was the start of the RAW season. Is that really that big a deal on a show that doesn’t take weeks off or show reruns? Chikara runs as seasons as well, but they take breaks and have stories resolve within said season. At the start of this season, we are in the middle of all of the storylines. That makes you look like a poorly run TV show, not a more legitimate one. I get that someone in marketing realized they could use that as a meaningless buzzword (Corinthian Leather! Free Range!), but it has no gravitas within context of this show.

Chris Jericho and Bray Wyatt are settling their feud tonight in a steel cage, after building to this match by not having them work each other in a few weeks. I think they were in a 5 on 5 on Smackdown? Anyway, they had a cage match so that they could set up the end of the show (or so it felt). Jericho did a snazzy house show dive off the top of the cage. Well, as house show as it can be form 20 feet up. The finish made fuck all for sense. If you are going to snake the win out from under Jericho, then have him get duped, not just be too dumb to roll and fall to the ground. So Jericho has a bad knee and gets tooken (pronounced Took-hen) out by Orton because Randy wanted to. I am fine with using Jericho’s departure to give someone some steam, but I don’t get why it was Orton. It felt very forced.

Appropriate for Randy.

Look, the Miz doesn’t draw. You can add every bell or whistle you want to a 2×4, but a the end of the day all you have is a well-adorned piece of wood. I have stated he could be there many times… but he is not. This is a better use of Sandow than it is of Miz, and that is saying something. Ziggler can’t get him over. Sandow can’t get him over. Clearly staged pictures can’t get him over. To me, the bigger issue is that Miz never gets over on his opponents, he just escapes. IT doesn’t make him a threat at all, it makes him a geek.

Paige and AJ were tagging against it doesn’t matter, which is sad because Nattie should matter. This was all about the title hunter and the title holder tagging and anTAGonizing each other. HAHAHA! See what I did there? Stuck the landing! Anyway, they are still doing that “tension that makes you think they are going to bone” angle, so that gives Punk a reason to tune in.

Cena, the #1 face of the company, told Paul Heyman, a non-wrestling mouthpiece, that he will beat the shit out of him if the champ isn’t here next week (Did it again! Two for two!) He also said he loves being him and he won’t change just to have a title. Decent face promo (and the plot of The Dark Knight,) followed by a curiously heelish promo. Bullying an out of shape, 60 year old man who isn’t a wrestler isn’t very face. I am sure Noah loved it.

That NXT match was great for what it was: an elevator speech about why you should watch NXT. Adrian Neville is an impressive little ball of motion. He is what the WWE wants Matt Cross to be. Sami Zayne is amazing in how he puts together what he does. Kidd has been underutilized for so long; it is good to see him finally get to be a bigger fish, even if it is in a smaller pond. With some time, Tyler Breeze could be a top heel. I think he already does the gimmick better than Miz.

Oh, I forgot. Cesaro got to have a match without being in a match. He watched Sheamus and Rollins have a match and fuck is it hard for me to remember his as Rollins. I want to call him Tyler Black. But anyway, the idea is that Cesaro distracts Sheamus, then gets in and beats on Sheamus and then will have a match with Sheamus. Sheamus hasn’t learned to not get distracted by other people and pays the price this week.

Side note: Everyone in Pittsburgh popped for this -

Fella!
Taken from Grantland

Man, if Jerry Springer can’t calm down feuding fashion model sisters, what hope is there for humanity? The Bellas are still terrible actresses and probably people. They have a brother? Anyway, they tackle Jerry and the brother takes a slap and Stephanie and Jerry get caught smiling and laughing while he is on the mat hurt. They built the shit out of this and who cares about it? Did that put a single ass in a seat or in front of a TV? Besides Dan Bryan, I mean.

The Dust Brothers are great. No two ways around it. I hope they get the straps. I also hope they build another team so they can have someone to work.

Also, I am guessing that the Bunny is building to a big reveal. Any guesses? I hope not Zack Ryder, as I have never seen him do a super kick or splash. I would love for it to be Punk, but he ain’t coming back. I think the WWE has all his stuff on clearance at the moment. It needs to be someone established; an NXT guy would just kill it.

We end with Orton and Reigns having a match that involved Orton being a master of reversals and counters, a multi person run in, weapons, a rushed steel cage, about 5 reversals of fortune and no one remembering that the steel cage had a door until it was convenient. You need to get Reigns in with someone who has some personality so he can learn how to work with a crowd. He won’t get that from Orton.

Maybe the bunny?

-Ryan

Summerslam Results

During the show, Andy was running our Twitter feed. I’d like to apologize to anyone who read it and tried to divine some measure of sense. Particularly this:

Screen Shot 2014-08-19 at 11.51.34 AM

Come the fuck on, Andy. You’ve had Totinos.

Anyways: Who the fuck did Cesaro piss off? And who did RVD make happy? That said – good match, if you like matches based around doing the same spot multiple times. Cesaro at Mania > Cesaro at Summer Slam. So there you go.

Dolph Ziggler beat the Miz, which does not matter at all.

The rest of us played WWE2K14 all day, which meant we heard the same commentary over and over. Of course, that led to this:

Screen Shot 2014-08-19 at 11.54.00 AM

You know that no matter what system that game is on, there’s still going to be fuck ups like that. It’s like Madden. I completely expect the Instant Replay to never show the right plays and for fuck calls to happen when you get up by 2. Not that I ever do.

Bray Wyatt’s entrance was fucking awesome. Ryan was showing us Mick Foley’s daughter throughout this, who pretty much grew up without a dad, so, you know that seems like a good bet. Anyways, this match was better than it started and by the end was pretty good. Also, at this point, ham barbecue.

Rusev beat Swagger, but I was walking Angelo, so we missed the finish. I am sorry my dog poops, wrestling blog readers.

Paige beat AJ Lee in a match where no one could figure out who the face or heel was. That said, it was a girl who looks like a skinny, gawker Sarah Silverman versus a pale, curvy British girl and they crawled all over one another and tore out each other’s hair extensions, so 18 stars.

Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose channeled the UWF Snuka vs. Cactus Jack lumberjack match, and by that, I mean that they forgot what a lumberjack was about and stayed out of the ring. #wallofflesh. That said, this match was fucking awesome. Like, super super awesome. It had all sorts of non subtle and subtle things and we were all quite pleased with it. And ate more ham barbecue. And fed some to the dog. It was a good night.

If you didn’t see the Bella Sisters feuding out of the Stephanie match, then you don’t watch wrestling. All women are horrible people who will fuck you over because that’s what women do. And because wrestling.

It was all capped off by John Cena basically being raped in front of a live crowd. Give it to Cena – no ego and he took an ass beating and did more than you’d expect a guy losing to do.

Summerslam was pretty fucking good. I have to admit it.
-Sam