Jon Stewart started this all off. And out came Mick Foley. In any other room of wrestling fans, dudes would be losing their shit. In our house, no one gave a shit. No one gave a fuck.
Sheamus vs. Randy Orton
You know when you have to grind and level up a character in a game and keep fighting the same boring guys over and over again? That was this match. Randy Orton is technically proficient and a great worker. He also hasn’t changed in ten years and is on the other side of the Cena paradigm. Cena has at least added new moves and tried to work with and grow new people. Orton took pills strong enough to shut off Great Khali’s legs (true story). Sheamus looks like a fucking moron. Orton still punches the mat and goes to that rapey place. Two dudes, lost in a sea of a rapidly changing world that refuses to change. Sheamus won with two kicks, clean jizzle.
Every tag team ever vs. the rest of the tag teams
For a match that no one should give a shit about, this was nearly everyone’s match of the night. My wife (read that as “mah wahf”) likes New Day because they dress like Destiny’s Child before they were super big. Their dancing at the end and Big E’s ill-advised fall through the ropes and the chance that everyone could die at any moment made this much more entertaining than anything else on the show. Or just about.
Rusev vs. Ziggler
Let me say it right now: I do not give a fuck about Dolph. He oversells, he can’t cut a believable promo and he dresses like the worst parts of the 80s. He’s a cipher, someone I can’t believe in no matter how many times people tell me he’s a great wrestler. Maybe I’m just jealous that he fucked Amy Schumer. No, I’m solid on this. I don’t think much of him. Rusev is now just another dude. And if this was ECW, those girls would have had breasts falling out and whatnot. This whole storyline is a waste and a double count out is an even bigger waste. Fuck this match.
Stephen Amell/Neville vs. Stardust/King Barrett
My dog took a shit during this match. It was black and shiny and almost like a rock. They showed me the finish and it was fine. But my dog shitting was beating this whole show.
Ryback vs. Big Show vs. The Miz
I went and got Mad Mex during this match. It was poor, at best. The order was wrong. Somewhere in here, Ryback won. I wish I could care about this more. I’m sorry, internet people.
Wyatt/Harper vs. Ambrose/Reigns
And another match that you couldn’t pay me to watch. The Shield meant a lot once. But now? Wyatt meant a lot at one time, too. Now?
Cena vs. Rollins
Holy shit, the finish. Jon Stewart was all like, “You fuckers want me to run a debate? I’m gonna shit on my legacy as America’s smartest liberal by doing the professional wrestling business!” And he did. He fucking did. He totally needs to bleed a fucking gusher tonight and cut a fiery promo promising blood in return. Don’t take one eye. Rollins doing the dead lift, Cena doing the stupid ass stunner that will be impossible to do in WWE2K16, all that.
Many ladies wrestle
This whole Divas revolution shit…they should have just reaired the match from NXT. But no, we had this and it was, well, it was what it was.
Owens vs. Cesaro
Noah is the face of the true fan. Never seeing Owens before, he said, “Nice look. Did he go to K-Mart for those shorts?” And that was that. It was a fine match that seemed to go on forever and Owens had to win and at one point Cesaro won that Andre Battle Royale and look at today. Wrestling has passed me by because I had no idea why Cesaro wears headphones to the ring. T-shirt vs. abs? T-shirts fucking win. Fat fuck senton for life.
Undertaker vs. Bork Lazer
The biggest dude with no ears nor neck vs. the oldest dead man ever in a worked MMA contest with a fuck finish after four hours of promising it will all be over soon. Seven suplexes, three F5s, Undertaker passing out backstage, Lesnar pissing blood numerous times, middle fingers and then…fuck. FUCK. SummerFest, night of the fuck finishes and British Bulldog is going to win whether he wants to or not.
The best part was them laughing at each other like assholes. It was way better than Mania, but this time, Undertaker didn’t get knocked out a few second into it.
And there you have it.