TNA started with two babyfaces (albeit one being a knockout, ODB) beating up one heel. That’s the logic the show started with. Me, being logical? I started with a Bloody Mary that was 7/8 vodka and a oil slick of V8 atop it, floating like a red island of death. Seriously, you could have set this drink on fire. Open stomach, too. Smart.
EC3 has motorcycle noises in his entrance music. He has nothing to do with motorcycles, so I was wondering about this. He had a match with Bobby Lashley, who wrestles like a robot controlling a remote control character that’s playing a video game. The match just ended when EC3 walked out, but then Willow beat the fuck out of him to a nearly ridiculous degree, until EC3 crawled under a ladder (bad luck!) to escape.
Bully Ray is in Nashville. Samoa Joe was all salt. Angelina Love is walking.
EC3 and Magnus are no longer friends. A lot happened TO THE BACK.
James Storm and Gunner aren’t fucking any more. Gunner was doing a promo all about how proud he is about winning last week and being a Marine. Did you know Gunner was a Marine? I wouldn’t, except he brings it up every time you talk to him. I wish someone would just cut him off, like, “Yes, we know.” Anyways, he introduced his dad at ringside and angle alert signs went up and James Storm handcuffed Gunner because it’s hot and their safe word is safe word and he broke a beer bottle over Gunner’s dad’s head. The best part was Storm calling out Papa Gunner for crying on the video the week before, which in my second Bloody Mary state made me positively positive about a TNA segment.
TO THE BACK. Gail Kim says if Tapa can’t beat her, she’s gone. So she can do that?
TO THE BACK. The Bro Mans acted all wacky with Tigre Uno and Sanada, which was actually funny. Zema noted he can speak lucha libre and strong style.
Lei’d Tapa pretty much did a straight job and no one was into it and Dave Meltzer said last week that Gail Kim won some award for one of the world’s hottest women and she’s not even the hottest girl in TNA. Really, Dave? I was drunk, but I liked what I was watching.
TO THE BACK. MVP talked to Willow, who is seriously my favorite wrestler right now, because it’s so bad that it’s become awesome in the midst of all this shit. Seriously, it’s a blackface Jeff Hardy with an umbrella speaking like a mix of The Mighty Boosh and Paul Stanley. He cocks off to MVP, who this week is looking like quite the ineffectual boob.
There was this Beautiful People reunion that was screechy women being screechy, which that’s what they did best before. Also, no Lacey Von Erich, which makes this both better and worse independently.
TO THE BACK. Joe continues his high iodine rampage.
All the drinking made me pass out right around here and I stayed asleep, blissfully embracing the void.
So what I missed was Knux coming back. Yes, in his hometown there was a flood and it ruined the arcade that his family owned. He was met by an old girlfriend and there was this odd sense of mid 1970s meaning movie in this. Seriously, this was some Zabriskie Point shit here. It had nothing to do with a match or seems to lead to anything, but let’s give it the benefit of the doubt. Actually, let’s mock the fuck out of it right now.
Bully Ray and Roooooo fought in Dixie’s office and I fought to see if I could fast forward this any faster.
Finally, with the odds stacked against the heel, the heel still won in the main event, proving that this will always be TNA. MVP is already a geek and has already fucked up and cost Joe the title. Oh TNA. You so cute.
WEEK TWO. LET’S FUCKING GO.
This of course brings out MVP who is all like, “My bad, yo.” Get this: Magnus has a deal where Abyss can only be in matches with him, so he gives Samoa Joe another title match where it’s Abyss and Magnus versus Joe, so essentially he just fucked over Joe again. But no worries, Eric Young says he’ll add himself to the three way for the title and help Joe. Joe reacts to this exactly like I do at home, which is to say that he throws a drink at the TV. No, actually, he does exactly what I want him to do: he kicks the fucking shit out of Eric Young. Yay, Joe. You’re now my second favorite in TNA, which is like being the prettiest girl in a dog fuck video. That is, nice to be recognized, but you wouldn’t tell anyone.
EC3 and Spud spend the show searching for Willow. Hot tip: bring meth.
Anyways, MVP makes Abyss/Magnus vs The Wolves, who win by submission and clean as fuck, because hey, why not. I mean, who would do the job that would make sense? Who do you protect? Why even have the match?
The best part is that Abyss takes the belt, so two weeks in and they prove the TNA rule: NO ONE LIKES ANYONE FUCKER.
The screechy girls come out and screech and this all leads to a match with Angelina Love vs. Madison Rayne. Here’s my prediction: Velvet Sky turns heel because Vince Russo and women are bitches and wrestling is like that.
Let me do this quick: Bully Ray. Roo. Not a match. A fight. Tables. Stupid babyface. And scene.
That Angelina Love match happens, which proves that holy shit, not a single girl in this match can wrestle in a way that comes off like a fight. It’s more that predetermined, it’s so fake that it looks predestined.
You know all those Kenny King videos? Where they made him seem like a big deal? Yeah, well, MVP didn’t. Everyone came off like a fucking geek here, which is, well, TNA.
Samoa Joe and Eric Young fight with the finish being Joe chokes him out but has his shoulders are down. Joe still wins, but the referees discuss this and it’s like, you had to fucking protect Eric Young of all people by making Joe look like a geek? Joe does the choke every match and he’s too stupid to keep his shoulders off the mat? Who does this push? Who does this help? Who is going to care? Is World 1 coming back with Eric Young and Magnus in jackets? Who other than me is going to get that joke?
Remember when everyone was sick of Roo and Storm? Now they will be sick of Gunner and Storm. Also: Gunner’s finisher is called the Hanger 18. It’s an F5. Special CTL no-prize to whomever writes the best joke.
The end? Willow came out of the woods and beat dudes up with plastic skeletons and an umbrella. 300 constellations.
WEEK THREE BEGINS NOW.
The show started with Willow and Bully Ray against EC3 and Roooo, who not only beat the faces, they put Bully through three tables. It was like he was going to another territory or some shit. Where was Willow during that? Who the fuck knows!
Kenny King arrived on a golf cart. There you go.
Later, he fucked with MVP. I cared about as much as you can imagine.
Mr. Anderson is walking. Walk walk walk. This all led to a straight jacket match with Sam Shaw. To say this was a bad match would be a disservice to bad matches. It made no sense. The finish came out of nowhere. No one cared about anyone. Basically, if you needed a match that is the sum total of TNA, this would be that match.
TO THE BACK. Beautiful People. EY. TNA stars of the past.
Sanada and Tigre Uno were supposed to have the first of a best of three series. Why? Who knows. And who cares, because he comes Kenny King for his third segment tonight. What does it say when a guy is all over TV and doesn’t even have a match, then bumps two guys a segment so that he can do an angle with an authority figure? It says you’re watching TNA, that’s what the fuck it says.
Then, those dudes had a match and it was rushed and they need someone to explain who they are and why they’re working and them having a mini-feud should mean something at the end of a story, but this is TNA so you just say, “Huh.”
Let’s do a quick move through the next segments: Brittany is a new girl and she wants to team with Madison. Abyss wears a suit and Magnus is already convinced dude is going to fuck him over, then Eric Young, then Samoa Joe. MVP, the Wolves, the Bros. And there you have it.
So let me try and explain: Knux’s family sold arcade games and there was a flood and now an entire town is fucked over and they need their video games. Is this a new TV show? No, it’s a wrestling storyline. Where does it go? Who the fuck knows. It gets a ton of time on TV and it just seems very much in the searching for Stan Hansen with Black Bart side of wrestling, which is really saying something.
The women had something that even charitably could not be called a match. Heel Velvet Sky is no different than face Velvet Sky. Everyone moved in slow motion, like a fistfight on Adam West y Burt Ward Batman. This was also noticable in the earlier main event guys run-in pull-apart. Everyone is working light and weirdly timed, or maybe the camera is too close or maybe no one gives a fuck. Maybe all of the above and a little of column a, a little of column b. Yes, that was a y between West and Ward. I like to imagine the original Batman show as a lucha romp.
MVP and Kenny King, in his fourth segment, had an exhibition match as Vince Russo masturbated furiously and slack jawed from the sideline. This wasn’t a match and this was supposed to be just dudes working together to do moves, UNLIKE EVERY MATCH EVER ON IMPACT, when MVP, the face, got mad and punched Kenny King, who might be the heel. Is every other match real?
TO THE BACK. EC3. Magnus. Do you care?
Kenny King made his fifth appearance on the show, with a TO THE BACK pull-apart.
There was a 4 way, Abyss thought about winning the belt and then helped Magnus to win. And next week, Dixie Carter is back. That is what we call a ratings draw. No we don’t. There is also no we, it’s just me sitting here writing about wrestling when I should be doing my real job.
Dixie Carter is here. They were also classy and had a remembrance of Warrior at the beginning.
Eric Young is Dan Bryan, so he won a Royal Rumble to get a title shot at the PPV. Then, he called TNA creative team member Christy Hemme into the ring with a request for MVP, who would now be making his second appearance on the show. He hurt his arm, completely unlike Wrestlemania with Dan Bryan and still wants a match tonight, which will feature no run-ins.
TO THE BACK. Spud let Dixie down. The Knockouts have a match, which will also be a number one contenders match.
Angelina won that, so…yeah. She really looks like a transvestite. I mean, OK, it’s shitty of me to say, but she really more and more is looking like something from a Joey Silvera movie.
Two TOO THE BACK segments with MVP? That takes him up to four show appearances. He and Dixie have heat. The Bro-Mans have a match with the Wolves and Robbie isn’t there, so Zema will fill in. If you think that he’s still there and will fuck the finish, then yes, you are right and that’s exactly what happened, so again, MVP and the Wolves are morons. Morons aren’t the kind of thing fans get behind to cheer or pay to see.
Oh yeah. Dixie and Magnus also had a segment.
Christy and Anderson tried to get Sam Shaw into a mental hospital. He escaped. This segment went on as long and as badly as you would dream that it would. Why are they feuding? Will Christy end up turning on Anderson? Why am I still watching Impact?
Willow did a promo which was my favorite thing on the show because he has embraced that nothing here makes sense. Also, I love that he just walks away before finishes. It’s like the entire character is a meta comment on nothing in TNA making any sense.
Eric Young won the belt with a piledriver, telling everyone throughout the show that he had been in TNA forever and worked hard and deserved it. You know tenure and hard work doesn’t always mean that you deserve the top spot. Also, does anyone but me remember when Eric Young turned heel and started the World 1 group, they made such a huge deal of him using a piledriver, the move that every wrestler has agreed is forbidden because it can really hurt people. Well, he used it here and everyone celebrated and yay and wow, Eric Young is an actual world champion now. I can’t really imagine anything else TNA can do to make me hate it more than I do now, but I am certain that they will find a way.