What is wrong with us?
Have we run out of things to do? To watch? To learn?
Here we are, in a dark room, watching the first WWA PPV on a fucking laptop.
Let’s just do this.
What was the WWA, you may ask?
Wiki: “The World Wrestling All-Stars (WWA) was a professional wrestling promotion founded by Australian concert promoter Andrew McManus in 2001. The promotion was operated by McManus’ International Touring Company. WWA was one of several promotions to come into existence shortly after the closings of Extreme Championship Wrestling (ECW) and World Championship Wrestling (WCW). The company was in existence from October 2001 to May 2003.”
Here’s the short version: did you love Vince Russo WCW? Then you’re both a fucking asshole and going to enjoy this.
The show start with the Australian national anthem, Advance Australia Fair. Some lyrics?
Australians all let us rejoice,
For we are young and free;
We’ve golden soil and wealth for toil;
Our home is girt by sea;
Our land abounds in nature’s gifts
Of beauty rich and rare;
In history’s page, let every stage
Advance Australia Fair.
The girls singing it were in spandex and neon colors. None of them should have been in spandex.
The show starts and people are showing up late like crazy. APT. Aboriginal People’s Time.
Of course, every promotion needs a commissioner, so here comes Bret Hart. We argued whether or not this was pre or post stroke. We looked up that it was pre-stroke, but man. He keeps saying, “my belt” over and over. Seriously, we thought the stroke came later, but we think we’re watching the stroke right now. That’s how bad this is. He then shits all over Austin, the Rock and even Chris Benoit. What a sad, pre-stroke Bret.
Deek: “It seems like Bret is a big fan of the passive voive. I am a stroke, not I am having a stroke, for example.”
Juventud Guerrera vs. Psicosis
Remember back in the day when Jackie Murray brought these dudes to PWX? We couldn’t tell if Juventud had old man skin or was wearing a mesh shirt. Surprise. It’s mesh, with the arms there and no chest, like the way an old man would pull his t-shirt back when he’s cutting the grass.
Noah: “We should just say, “I drink your milkshake,” or there will be blood. Because this show seems like the kind of show where everyone is going to get color.”
And then, Psicosis juiced. This match was like when you first buy a WWE game and just want to use all the weapons. The kids, it seems, liked it, but it’s hard to tell because Jeremy Borash and Jerry Lawler (who is here because his girlfriend got fired and he wanted to show solidarity, but she ended up showing pictures of her blowing one of the Dupps and now she’s married to Kizarny) are doing live commentary over the PA. Also: they brought machines that make fake noise for cheering, which if you don’t have TV and people already bought your tickets, we have no idea why you’d need.
Nathan Jones then shows up in a limo, because WCW had limos.
They don’t have Nitro girls. They have WWA Stunettes. That’s on someone’s resume.
The tournament for the WWA title is a Seven Deadly Sins tournament. That means each match will be a gimmick match, which seems to be a good way to get over the strength of your new title.
Konnan vs. Road Dogg
Both guys talk back back forth and forth on the mic. Konnan also brought the Mexican title with him, which just seems like a belt he made up. He also had a crowbar hidden in his gear the entire match, which amazed every single one of us, because he actually did some spots with a crowbar that big down his pants. It’s all for naught, as the D-O-double G gets the four corners and that’s not the same as doing a real job, brother.
In case you wonder why wrestling sucks now more than before, it’s thinking like that. Gimmick matches were for blow offs and had definite finishes that killed angles off and guys had to come back from them. That’s why they didn’t happen, oh, seven times a show.
Devon Storm vs. Norman Smiley
Noah: “Does he hear voices in his his head? Is that why he screams? Does he have demons?”
Any hardcore match that ends with the guy doing the move getting hurt and the guy taking the pin being the guy who took the move, well, you’re not doing it right.
Disco Inferno has been asking for security all night, so he gets the Fruits in Suits, who are supposed to be the Bananas in Pajamas. Looks. It was Australia in the 2000s. Don’t fucking ask.
Bret Hart opens the WWA Battle Royale to any employee, so Stevie Ray, who up until now had been interviewing people, jumps in the ring. Guess what? Whoever wins this match moves on in the tournament. So an interview girl, Lawler, Jeremy Borash, a cameraman, they all get involved. The Fruits in Suits turn on Disco, but not before he hits the Village People Elbow, which is the People’s Elbow with YMCA in it.
The next match is a Guitar on a Pole match, which would seem to favor Jeff Jarrett, wouldn’t you think? If you said, “I bet Jeff Jarrett kills the local hero, who is three foot taller than him, then also hits the owner of the company with a guitar and goes over clean,” you are obviously clued in to what booking Jeff Jarrett in the 2000s was all about.
Road Dogg vs. Lenny/Lodi
Juventud is too hurt from his match, so Road Dogg will take on Lenny and Lodi in this encounter. The storyline of this match was that one team was gay and the Road Dogg was straight and Australia was a prison colony so no one really got the joke.
Buff Bagwell vs. Jeff Jarrett
This is a “Tits, Whips and Buff” match. No, I am not making that up.
Noah: “In Virtual Pro, his fake name should be Biff “The Thing” Bigwell.”
I doubt there is a match that could make me hate pro wrestling as much as this.
At this point, Disco Inferno threw one of the Bananas In Pajamas off a cage. The fact that I wrote this sentence is a testament to the power of this site.
Scott Steiner also showed up.
Jeff Jarrett vs. Road Dogg
I have no idea who won, except that, well, Jeff Jarrett got the belt to no one’s surprise. So you know, if you think his new promotion is going to save wrestling, I would (we would) point you back here to this here PPV. Also: Bret Hart attacked Jeff. Also: Bret Hart no sells Strokes, so this is a natural feud.
This review can’t get any better after that joke.
Want to put yourself through hell? Watch it right here!
PS – I realize the video is down. Trust me. You don’t want to fucking see it.