Ryan is in Toronto. Sam is reviewing Raw. Just for one week. Please enjoy.
Let me break this down into a very easy to read format:
Kane as the authority figure. I love it, I love the way he does his promo and this will get people into seeing Kane wrestle again, Kane turning face and Kane going back to his old gimmick. Easy booking and well done.
I almost wrote about how much I hate Dan Bryan beating the Wyatt Family, but fucking shit, Bray Wyatt’s promo may as well have been talking to me about how I feel about working in advertising. This feels like old Kevin Sullivan and that is the highest compliment I can give.
Now that I am talking about WWE for a second, let me take a quick break and share something I’ve been wanting to say.
From this week’s Observer:
“Now, we all expected going in that the Daniel Bryan push was sabotaged by the portrayal of him, and it constantly being reinforced that he’s not a quality headliner, he’s too small, he’s not good looking enough, he’s a B+ player and all that. The idea is that it would make the fans get behind him even more. The first test was SummerSlam, which did the lowest total buys and second lowest North American buys of the modern era. The dynamic of John Cena hand picking Bryan as his opponent, Vince McMahon constantly reinforcing that he’s not a main eventer, combined with the support of Brock Lesnar vs., C.M. Punk, was a swing and a miss according to McMahon. Perhaps people expected to get screwed. Night of Champions was also down.”
Did anyone expect that anything would be any different? We’re not in this business to make money any more.
Plus, and this goes without saying, I wholeheartedly shit all over WWE Network for one very factual reasons, of which I quote from this week’s Figure Four:
Even if they double the number of people who buy for historic footage, that’s only 150,000 to 200,000 subscribers, nowhere near the 1 million to 1.5 million they need to break even or the 2 million to 3 million they need to make serious money. So that leaves PPV buyers. An average North American PPV does between 90,000 and 125,000 buys at $54.95. The argument is that you’ll be able to get those PPVs for only $9.95 of $14.95 per month, so hey, maybe a million people will do so.
That’s right. PPVs, which are sold hard every week, only do 200,000 buys. They need 1.5 million people to pay every single month to break even. Every single month. These are the same people who barely updated their On Demand channel and have cancelled it twice now. Who still pays for it? Assholes like us.
Tons of Funk slowly turning heel? Yes. I like Brodus Clay in the game, but in real life, he had no idea how to take La Magistral. But how can a small guy give it to him? It seemed like an OK idea in back, huh? Let’s give this some time. And every time I see Xavier Woods, I want to share this video:
Sin Cara came back. It’s Hunicio now and the funniest part was former Mistico and Sin Cara checking in on Four Square in Mexico during this match. It’s funny because WHO THE FUCK USES FOUR SQUARE IN 2013? Everyone in WWE can be happy with the slow motion no botching Sin Cara, AAA can be happy to get a new guy for when they run in the US and CMLL will be CMLL and run a a tournament.
John Cena cuts a promo for us to know what the world championship meant. This is the first time the title has ever been unified.
Holy shit, I love the remixed Rhodes family song. I also love that Golddust did a fucking hurricanrana.
This was the best thing I’ve seen on any WWE show:
What didn’t work
CM Punk comes off like a complete whiner. Maybe that’s what this millennial generation sees as someone worth getting behind. But for me, who was raised on babyfaces being tough guys who fought hard and never complained, it is pretty infuriating. He also looks like someone out of the crowd the way he dresses. I’m not saying that he has to be huge and cut and a monster. But he just doesn’t look like anyone until he is in his ring gear. I don’t have an answer on how to fix that.
The Intercontinental match: Big E. Langston was beyond flat on commentary to the point that it made me start to dislike him. No one should have ever liked Ziggler, because that fucker is paying for it now.
Honestly, I didn’t even watch the Divas match. I love TNA and I have limits even.
Bad News Barrett: What the fuck was this? This is something funny to dudes backstage that did not translate at all. AT ALL.
Remember when the Shield meant something? Yeah. That was kind of cool.
I do not give a single shit about Cena vs. Orton. We’ve seen it. We saw it again. Then we watched it. Then we listened. Then we contemplated. Then we reviewed. Then we saw it.
Punk’s fake ass promo about his 3 on 1 match, where he sang, “I Feel Pretty.” I’m sure everyone thought it was real creative. I’m also sure everyone was wrong.
Bad News Barrett was even worse the second time.
Miz. Ryback. Curtis Axle. Kofi. None of this. None of any of it.
Babyface Mark Henry. Come the fuck on. Remember when he got over huge fucking over Cena? Yes. We do, too.
There was a contract signing. You know how much I love those. It ended with a brawl, in which Cena put Orton through a table. Therefore, their issue is solved and we have no reason to watch the PPV. Thank you.
Good bye, WWE. I will now return to the Impact Zone and Arena Mexico,